Who pays for the wedding?

[Rick Lee]

I'm 35 and getting married for the first time this fall. I've been engaged before and the wedding planning really drove some wedges between my folks and me. My mom wanted to invite a whole slew of people I had never even heard of and even a few I flat out hated. But they were paying for it, so I didn't make a stink. The China part of the wedding was gonna be covered by my then-fiance's filthy rich dad. Money was no object. But my mom even wanted the whole family to go to that one too, which would have made the Griswald's look like seasoned travelers. Anyway, that engagement broke off and so nothing happened.

Fast forward three years and my mom asked me last week if I was planning to invite my dad and her to MY wedding. Sounded to me like it was all on me. My lady just wants to go to the courthouse and then hit a bar afterwards - very low-maint. Maybe I can swing a wedding at the track or a local Porsche garage. This fiance is not filthy rich and sees no point feeding the wedding industry racket with money we either don't have or could better use elsewhere. But having no wedding at all is pretty much eloping and won't make my folks any happier than the last time around What to do?

[nostatic]

you pay, then you pay.

then you pay again.

[Jim Richards]

At 35, it's all yous!

[TerryBPP]

Brides parents pay for the actual wedding, Grooms parents pay for the rehersal dinner and honeymoon. My fiance has a really good wedding etiquette book. I'll get the name an pm you.

[Rick Lee]

Oh, just a minute ago, I got an email from mom asking how my planning was coming along and stating, "You do know that your father and I will help you out with expenses, don't you?" Whew! That's nice. Now, the goal is to see how to do all this without ruffling feathers like last time. I'm thinking of some of the huge dim sum places around here. I hear they're $300-$400 per table of 10 with everything included. I would also like a destination wedding to thin the herd of attendees. I don't need any presents. I just don't want any debt either.

[Rick Lee]

Originally posted by TerryBPP
Brides parents pay for the actual wedding, Grooms parents pay for the rehersal dinner and honeymoon. My fiance has a really good wedding etiquette book. I'll get the name an pm you.

Thanks, but etiquetee has nothing to do with this one. My fiance's folks would be very lucky to even get visas to come to the US for the wedding, so I doubt they're gonna be paying for it. And I would never ever want a wedding big enough to require a rehearsal.

[fastpat]

Originally posted by Jim Richards
At 35, it's all yous!

Yep, my wife and I funded it all, and I won't reveal how much that was, but it was a lot. The main expense was the reception which was catered at $65.00 per person if memory serves, but they did a very good job. I invited a lot of folks I worked with, and my wife did the same. Family was limited to immediate members (including my uncle and aunt), who were NOT authorized to invite anyone at all. I think we had between 65-85 people there, or a bit more. One thing that I did, which worked very well, was buy a 15 gallon keg of locally brewed beer, which I drank in lieu of champagne as did others.

It was a great time, the wedding was over in 15 minutes, the reception lasted for two hours or more. Music was provided by a string ensemble, worked well too.

[the]

IMO, i'd keep it as small and as cheap as possible. the wedding industry is such a racket. terrible.

I think the whole wedding thing needs to be redone. I think the big wedding ceremony should be done five years AFTER the day of marriage. When you get married, it's just signing a piece of paper. If the couple is still going strong after 5 years, THEN the big event.

That'd save 60% of people getting married a lot of time, money and headache.

[stevepaa]

I think when you are young, in your 20's , the wedding has more to do with your parents' final accomplishment than perhaps you realized. Now that you have been on your own and have flown by your self quite well, it is more of your wedding now. I suspect the number will be thinned just because of your age and decreased familial contacts.


I think that you could quite nicely say that presents are not needed and that a persons presence is all you are looking for.


Good luck.

[gr8fl4porsche]

The wedding is for your future wife - not your parents.
Just make sure she is happy.

[Joeaksa]

Rick,

I hear that they have done these things before in a town out West called Las Vegas.

Dammit, do what YOU guys want to do and stop worrying about having a shindig for the rest of the family. If "mom and dad" want to come to Vegas then fine but it sure sounds like this party is for them and not you and your bride.

Do what you guys want to do and enjoy life. If you do it in Az or Vegas let me know and will try to attend!

Joe

[imcarthur]

Keep it small & pay for it yourself. Tell your parents to give you a check for the money they would spend on a big wedding & use it for a downpayment on a house.

Ian

[Rick Lee]

I wanted to hire a Beatles tribute band for the last one. Still might.

[notfarnow]

First thing's first... congrats!

I paid 100% for our wedding, and that avoided the kind of haggling over guests, protocol and ettiquette that you described. We got to plan the day exactly how WE wanted it, which was casual and relaxed. "No ties allowed, but please bring your dogs." Mind you, we had an outdoor wedding at my wife's family cottage, so that kept costs really low and allowed us to splurge on liquor & food.

Before we told people we were getting married, we planned the whole ceremony... right down to appetizers and who stands where when. That way when people started innundating us with "oh you need to do such and such like so and so did at their wedding" we just said, "Thanks for the suggestion, but it's already been planned".

By keeping it small and manageable we really enjoyed the whole day, as well as the planning.

[jriera]

We got married in Singapore (we where living there, just a handful of coworkers) then we had two 'receptions' one in Spain and one (well more than one there) in China, we requested no gifts but rather money, we break even.

Do it for you and the bride, you will not make everyone happy (live /deal with it).

[Rick Lee]

Jake, you're my hero. That's how I want to do it, except I don't even want to deal with that much planning. I doubt my folks would hand me a check if they had no control over the planning. I am on my second house and I really can't think of a single thing I'd ask for as a wedding gift. Asking for money really turns me off and though I could use it, I really don't look like I could. I have all the household appliances, tools and furnishings I could ever need. I really hate this stuff.

[Porsche-O-Phile]

EVERYONE ends up paying in one way or another. . .

[cstreit]

Simple answer here... We didn't ask, they didn't offer. We paid for everything and therefore every decision was ours.

[azasadny]

Congrats! My wife and I married 20 years ago when we were both 25 and it was the 1st for both of us. Beth's parents paid for about 60% of the wedding, my best-friend's parents (like parents to me) paid for about 10% and we paid the remainder (about 30%). We paid for the photographer and the band and the bar. It was a very cordial arrangement and it worked out well as I'm sure your wedding will!

[notfarnow]

Originally posted by Rick Lee
Jake, you're my hero. That's how I want to do it, except I don't even want to deal with that much planning. I doubt my folks would hand me a check if they had no control over the planning. I am on my second house and I really can't think of a single thing I'd ask for as a wedding gift. Asking for money really turns me off and though I could use it, I really don't look like I could. I have all the household appliances, tools and furnishings I could ever need. I really hate this stuff.

1) If you keep things relatively casual, there isn't all that much planning. Honestly, plan the kind of day you and your bride want. If it gets more complicated than you are comfortable with, how are you supposed to enjoy it? 30 minutes after the ceremony, we had ~30 people out in the river going for a swim. Not hard to plan that.

2) If you don't want gifts, don't take them. We were in the same spot as you; had a house and had everything we wanted. It's not like we were 18 and just starting out, plus I am fussy and like to pick my stuff out anyway. We told people that we would not be accepting gifts. Any gifts, cash or otherwise, would be going to local charities. If someone felt the need to give a gift, they were encouraged to make a donation to one of three charities.

My point is that if you're paying, it's only as complicated and expensive as you want it to be.