Underage drinking....How do you handle it with your teens?
 

In our community underage drinking is rampant. What suprises me is that many parents tolerate it and even allow their kids (15, 16, 17 y.o.'s) to drink in front of them...the rationale being they'd rather have them drinkink at home as opposed to being out and about. While I understand their reasoning its a total bullchit copout if you ask me.

In turn, many kids get the self-serving perception that it must be OK if so and so's parents allow it.

Under our state law 18 and older can drink privately and publicly if they're in the presence of a parent or guardian. We have let our 18 y.o. make this choice but as of now he's not the least bit interested. On the other hand I'm dealing with twin 16 y.o. daughters whose friends are all drinking and fail to see any problem with it.

So how do you other parents deal with it?

Underage drinking is at the top of my "Dad's Biggest Fear" list, mainly because I did so much of it.

The best tool is awareness and action...I have been quietly working my two about the risk. The nub is that my parents did the same but were less active...I will be a lot more proactive than my parents.

Involvement is worth the risk. I look back and cringe.

I can't imaging having to deal with this as a parent. I didn't really get into drinking until I went to be an exchange student in Germany when I was 16. But I didn't need or have a car there, so it was no problem. Once I got back here, I had turned 17 and got my license the first Monday I was back in the US. I never drank and drove in those days, but I'm sure my folks worried about it. The drinking age in the US is a joke and encourages abuse. That's one of the few things Europe does a lot better than we do - drink first, then learn how to drive CORRECTLY, then get a license.

I think you both have it right.

Letting underage kids drink - that's an outrageous copout.

Involvement, awareness and action, that's what gets it done. I never understand when i hear these stories about alcoholic teens and the parents that claim to not have known. Can these parents not see/smell/observe at all? Or do they not bother to do so. It'd be very hard for a kid to come home at 11 at night after doing any significant drinking, and get that by any parent who isn't totally clueless.

lock her in her room until she's 25, then throw her out and change the locks. It doesn't matter what else you do. You'll end up gray, tired, and a nervous wreck. :D

Yep!
 

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Seahawk
Underage drinking is at the top of my "Dad's Biggest Fear" list, mainly because I did so much of it.

The best tool is awareness and action...I have been quietly working my two about the risk. The nub is that my parents did the same but were less active...I will be a lot more proactive than my parents.

Involvement is worth the risk. I look back and cringe. [/QUOTE
+1 here!

Neither of my teen daughters drink, but I feel the laws are just getting ridiculous. The law was 18 for beer when I was a teen and is now 21. The the BAC has been lowered also in our state. I do not drink much, but the whole MADD thing has started to turn society against all drinking much the way smokers are now nearly viewed as criminals.

Don't get me wrong, I am all for punishing those who hurt others by driving while stone drunk.

As long as these are your kids only and you are not an alcoholic, I think it is entirely good to have a beer or a glass of wine with your family at dinner. It teaches kids about drinking responsibly.

IMO this is a great teaching moment. You can single handily make drinking uncool and at the same time teach moderation and responsibility to your underage teenagers.

Do not do this with their friends, you will have a legal problem and those kids aren't your responsibility.

As a kid in Germany I drank non-alcholic beer regularly with dinner.

Around 12-13 I was allowed one glass of real beer.

When I was here in the states as a teen I never understood the fascination with scoring beer or drinking. It was never taboo for me.

Think I might do the same with my kids. Or maybe not, still have 5-6 years to worry about it.

if you keep the booze away from them then we can all pull up LOTS of youtube videos of drunken teens b/c once they go away to school IT WILL HAPPEN. you want them to learn/experiment then??

i'd rather have them start w/ wine at dinnertime and let them see for themselves what a buzz feels like. if they like it, then they like it. so what? they're gonna like it later on too. but at least under your supervision they can learn how much is enough for them to get that way.

i'm certain many alcohol poisonings, binges, er visits, and even deaths can be avoided w/ supervised exposure.

it's not like it's crack and there is a good chance they'll never touch it. they WILL drink. how and when they learn what's it all about is up to the parents.

if all you do is avoid it, it's no wonder they behave like a dog that just broke off its leash when they become freshmen...

edit: +1 what s-monkey said about taking away the taboo 'big deal' aspect of it.

Exactly right. Awareness and action is the way to go.
It was also on my 'Dads Greatest Fears' list, but even so things do go awry, we had 1 close call but happily he's a sensible boy and learned after his 1 and only lesson.

So as long as they are just a little buzzed it's no big deal?

I think that's the problem. It doesn't take much alcohol to impair your ability to function at 100%. When driving a car you need to be at 100% (most folks should probably be at 120%). Consequently, it only makes sense that you shouldn't drink and drive.

I don't see how anyone rational and intelligent can conclude otherwise.

I also think this needs to get strict because drunk driving and the results of it are rampant. I don't have any personal experience with loss due to drunk driving other than having driven when I shouldn't a few times when I was younger and being lucky to have not gotten caught.

I always tried to know where my daughter was & talked to parents if she was staying overnight. If she came home drunk (only happened once) she got grounded for 2 weeks. I talked to her often concerning the perils of drugs & alcohol. I ask her to call me before ever accepting a ride from a person that had been drinking. I said I would come get her, no questions asked (yeah right). After she started driving, I let her know that if I caught her driving impaired, she wouldn't be driving any longer.

She came over for dinner last Father's Day & we had a long talk about all the stuff she did while she was living with me. She's 19 years old now. She told me that all the stuff I was suspicious of, I was right. She told me about spending the night at friends & the parents allowing them to drink, after I had spoke with them. She had a relative (on her mom's side) that she would go to & bong out all night. I got to hear about her near DWIs & the real story about how she trashed the car I gave her for her 16th birthday.

It was a revealing evening, but the bottom line is, I did the best I could & put the fear of my wrath in her. You can't stop a kid from drinking if they're hell bent on doing it, but you can inform them, love them, & lower the boom if they do.

When I was a kid, it was still legal to drive in TX with a beer in your hand. When I moved to NJ, every single family in our neighborhood was a recent transplant from TX and a lot of them drove with a drink in their hands in NJ. I don't see a problem with having a beer while you drive, as long as you're not drunk. I see legal and deadly stuff every day behind the wheel, mostly cell phone chatters and women putting on make up. I've even seen a guy eating a bowl of cereal while driving a pick up truck. I fear this stuff far more than someone who has a beer or two in them. Yet, that stuff is totally legal.

.08 is Ohio's limit now (it used to be .1) . I do not think it should be illegal to have one drink at a bar on an empty stomach and not be able to drive home.

I might be sometimes considered irrational, but I do not consider myself stupid. Just for the record I also hate smoking laws (I do not smoke), mandatory seatbelt and helmet laws (I wear my seat belts and helmets), car seat laws, 21 yr old vs 18 year old drinking laws etc etc.

Of course if one is just a "little buzzed" it's no big deal. "Little buzzed" being defined as being below the state limit, which is always very low.

Lots of things impair your ability to function at 100%, but we do it all the time. If we didn't drive while at less than 100%, well. . . at least we'd solve our traffic problems.

Talking on the phone or even to a passsenger impairs your ability to drive at 100%. So does driving after only getting 4 hours of sleep the night before. Or driving while upset about something. All of that is much worse/more impaired than a guy driving an hour after he had a beer with dinner.

teach them about hangovers

* sure you can have a drink! i'll show you a couple of awesome drinks! gotta learn with the proper stuff, none of that cheap crap

then present them with some red wine, followed by some coctails ( caipirinha's are excellent for this purpose ), and to top it of Duvel or 2 , all this , preferably on an empty stomach..

guaranteed monster hangover the morning after
then it's just a matter of , vacuum cleaning, drilling holes in things, blender in full effect , loud music, the works

make sure there is no aspirine or whatever in the house
no energy drinks, or other hangover cures

Interesting (and suprising) responses.

In my situation, my 18 y.o. stepson has made the decision for himself not to drink. In fact he's made a cottage industry for himself getting paid to be the DD for his buds.

The twin 16 y.o. stepdtrs are another matter. While I'm sure they don't drink and drive, its apparent that they are using alcohol on occasion. It stems largely from their peers, almost all of whom use alcohol. And these are mostly kids from their church fer chrissakes.

Aside from the obvious problems with teen drinking, one of my bigger concerns is the fact that alcoholism/addiction runs in both of their parents' family...disconcerting if you believe the propensity for addiction/abuse has genetic roots.

While I have a number of resources to monitor their behavior, its difficult to deal with when parents of other kids allow all kids to drink in their homes, some even going so far as to cover for them. I have a real problem with that.

FWIW, some of the wildest stuff I ever did was on a church "retreat".

lmao stijn. i especially like the addition of noisemakers into the mix.

one particular hangover that i had will stay with me for the rest of my life. i had to endure an entire morning in a car without a/c, in front seat, while dad was driving, with the sun beating down on me through the windshield. longest 3hrs of my life

almost lost it few times on that drive... so add 'heat' and 'movement' to the list of stijn's noisemakers :D

True dat:D

I lost my virginity on a baptist teen retreat:cool:

Although I have no suggestions about prevention, I would suggest that you offer a safe place to Sober up in the event that they find themselves unexpectedly drunk.
Even go so far as to be there for a ride, with judgment reserved for some future time.
The biggest concern for us was their safe, uncompromised return home.
I would not and did not condone their drinking but made it clear that home was the safest place on the planet if they succumbed to the temptation to over indulge. Leave the car and call, we come and get you.
This may seem like enabling but home safe was my wife and my primary concern.
I found it an excellent time to point out the evils of alcohol when holding a towel while my son drove the "Buick". Gacked, hurled you get what I mean.

Very well stated...

On the prevention angle, more about pot than drinking, you should have seen the look on my daughters face when I told her I smoked pot.

Admitting I was also once a kid, and pointing out that there is NO way that I will miss the "signs" of their youth has been interesting.

As others have stated before, in all likelyhood your kids are going to drink- illegal or not. What we did worked for us, my daughter graduated from college last weekend, my son 2years before. First- make sure they know that home is safe. You will come and get them, no questions asked, if they call. Anytime, anyplace. I actually never got a call from my kids- but I did have a couple of their friends call. I picked them up, called their parents and they safely sobered up at our house. We did allow drinking- the summer between highschool and college. Rules were- parents needed to know they were here- I called. Car keys were turned in, and I blocked our driveway with my car- no way out till morning. They could have a couple of beers, shoot some pool and watch the tube- no big deal. We felt we would rather them drind in a controlled environment than experiment somewhere else.
It worked for us, but each group of kids and each situation is different.
Gary

I think the problem is that I don't know anyone that would have a drink along for a long ride that probably hadn't had 3 or 4 before the drive. Most folks that I've met don't have "just one" of anything.

Not to mention, when you start drinking and your judgement is affected you think "I'm perfectly fine to drive." Unfortunately the more you drink the more sure you are that you are fine to drive.

The average Joe doesn't have the will power, intelligence, or judgement to know when they are fine and when they are not.

Also, I suspect that a 200# guy on an empty stomach can have a beer and drive and probably not quite blow the limit. 150#, probably not, 110# girl, definitely not.

As far as the kids drinking thing. I think that all you can do is teach them and show them what they should do, be as diligent as possible, and hope for the best.

I have a stepson and daughter. Right now the son is 23 and the daughter is 22. The son has been a handful. He's had all sort of issues that we are in the process of putting behind us.

The daughter, I'm certain has drank and probably even tried a thing or two stronger, but doesn't like that stuff and has never been in trouble. She's ultra responsible, always works, good grades in school.

They both grew up the same place and are only about a 1/2 year different in age.

He's been expensive and difficult, she's been cheap and a dream.

Anything that doesn't kill you or them only makes you both stronger, right? That's what I keep telling myself.

Underage drinking is a univeral problem. As a parent you need to be a role model and a parent, not a friend. As a role model and a parent you should not allow or encourage drinking at your table because any teen will see that as your approval for them to drink. Remember one major thing here, these are children in the eyes of the law and your peers, and you are responsible for their welfare. We have had numerous sad cases of parents getting busted for allowing drinking by teens in their homes or properties and the charge is "endangering the welfare of a child" The newspapers love the story line. Your kids have plenty of time to learn to drink or not after they are of legal age. This is not a subject to get soft on. It can have very tragic results, and just because you and I made it through late adolescence with beers in our hands doesn't mean your kids will.

Keeping kids away from alcohol is about as realistic as keeping them away from sex. You can do/say whatever you want but in the end most kids will try it and most will probably like it. Like Seahawk I look back at my youth and cringe - amazed I survived all those close calls...

With a 10 yr old son and a 7 yr old daughter I'm on board to guide them to responsible drinking and if that fails (cause it will) that home is always safe. No questions asked.

Edit - that last paragraph is worded strangely. I meant to say I have kids and I am prepared to guide them about drinking WHEN they reach an acceptable age. 16 sounds about right to me but I won't be comfortable with them having a glass of wine at dinner till 18 or there abouts. It depends on how they mature and they are too young to tell at this point.

Oh and my daughter is not having sex until a year after I have passed on - subject to my consent of course :)

My 14 y/o is allowed to have a glass of wine with dinner, he rarely likes it. (good!) He does, however like beer.

My plan is much like many here. I am not going to stop him from drinking, but I can make sure he has a safe alternative to driving drunk. I will always be willing to come get him and take him home with out any penalty anytime he has done any drinking.

I started when I was 15 years old and I would be a foolish bastard if I though I was going to stop him. Of course, the drinking age was 18 then but non the less I was drinking underage.

Oh, and add another for bad influence from church people. I was being fed beers by guys older than me from my church that my parents wanted me to hang around with because they thought they would be positive influences on me.

At least they had good taste, I was introduced to beer via Moosehead and Lowenbrau.

No matter what you do, they're going to go off to college and learn what it's about. Same with sex. No matter what you do. Accept it. Arm them with knowledge that they'll have your support and guidance whenever they need it. I guess that's all one can really do.

One of my favorite expressions is, "Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement". Sometimes, you need to let people make the bad calls and suffer a bit for them (obviously having your kids die in a DUI crash or get pregnant isn't really in play as an option here, but you need to make them understand/worry about it so they get the benefit of the 'bad judgement' lessons).

To avoid this problem? Don't have kids. What? The planet doesn't have enough people? I fell in love with, then married a single mom (divorced) with one kid. She, the kid, was really cute, bright, and easy to deal with. So, I adopted her. Then puberty hit. I heard "You're not my dad!" often. My "freedom day" (apologies to Bruce Springsteen) was when she, the kid, left home. This kid is now an adult. I maintain as little contact as possible. I don't give a french kiss how much or where she drinks, or screws. I only cared before she left home, when I was legally liable to her screw ups. After then, we helped her out in order to help her avoid bankruptcy during her first divorce. Her second? She's on her own. She's an adult now, and doesn't need our advice. Or so she says....

Don't have kids!!! They are just ungrateful little bastards!!!

Easy big guy..
Therapy is quite often helpful in resolving anger issues resulting from rejection and feelings of inadequacy.
Good luck in dealing with it.

I don't particularly want kids either and I'm only angry during my morning commute to work;). WAY, way too many people have kids who should not have them. Not saying anyone on this thread is an unfit parent. But you should really want kids for your own reasons and not because your folks want grandkids or because you think it's expected.

The only good reason I can think of to have kids is to (hopefully) offset the hellspawn that's being created by the lowest dregs of society. If we do nothing, we relegate our future to the offspring of illegal aliens, trailer trash and ghetto rats, since they seem to be the only ones breeding.

Another potential upside is that our society continues to "reverse-evolve" in this manner, it takes comparatively less effort to look like a genius or to be an exceptional person. . . :)

Really, really bad reason.

You need to see the movie "Idiocracy"

I'm dealing with things just fine these days, Jim. It was when she was a teenager that I could have used the therapy. ;) Today? She's a 37 year old twice married RN...able to take care of herself. So, I guess Cindy & I did something right. I figure any parent whose kid(s) stay out of jail and hold down legit jobs did okay. :D

It is human nature ( in fact the nature of all living things) to reproduce and ego that causes us to want to produce "mini me".
If you learn the words to use when your wife says "I want a baby" and your reply is "no!", write a book and let the rest of us know.
My guess is your book will include subjects like The joys of sleeping alone, custody, alimony and community property.

It is human nature ( in fact the nature of all living things) to reproduce and ego that causes us to want to produce "mini me".
If you learn the words to use when your wife says "I want a baby" and your reply is "no!", write a book and let the rest of us know.
My guess is your book will include chapters like The joys of sleeping alone, Custody, Alimony and Community property.

One thought on the drinking in relation to sex comment. Responsible drinking is not getting drunk, Responsible dating is not having sex.

I don't care what you say, that's the rule in my house.