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A Condensed Version of History

A Condensed Version of History

For those that don't know about history...... here is a condensed version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:

1. The invention of beer, and

2. The invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.

These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals

2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just st ayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B BQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbol ized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.......

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to piss them off....

Byron, all your (rainbow-colored) chest pounding posts make me wonder if we're dealing with the Larry Craig of PPOT. We know from previous posts of yours that you were medically unfit to serve in the military. Why the bravado? Are you just compensating here? I hope I'm wrong.

Whew! Glad I'm a Conservative.

..... OK, where's the coffee pot, I definately will need a refill........
(adlibed from Nostatic :) ah, the coffee part; I'm not sure he's a Conservative?)

Oh, Look Ma! Another Dine and Dash thread.:rolleyes:

Quote:

Originally Posted by frogger (Post 3643319)

I have many friends who have/are serving this country proudly, one of them forwarded this to me, I laughed & posted it. As a business owner, I also see a lot of what is written here.

As a Republican, I am always wary of those that make the most (conservative) noise. Too many closet cases out there.

There are NO Liberals serving in the armed forces.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DARISC (Post 3643466)

There are NO Liberals serving in the armed forces.

You are correct, they aren't serving:p

My best friend in college, who I met in the College Republicans campaigning for Reagan, joined the Navy as the most conservative right winger possible and emerged as a liberal. He got a masters in public administration and went to work for the state of New Mexico and was last seen supporting Bill Richardson. I never let him forget he's the only person i've ever heard of who became a Democrat after joining the military. He was in subs, too, so it's not like he had some wussey job.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MRM (Post 3643478)

joined the Navy as the most conservative right winger possible and emerged as a liberal....

Sewer pipe sailors are a special breed; intelligent, thoughtful and brave. I know several who became fire fighters when they got out - another special breed. Two outstanding characteristics of both professions are their dedication to knowing what they are about and looking out for the other guy.

Do you know why your best friend took a left turn away from conservatism?

A liberal is someone who has great plans to cure society....with my money.

I; as a liberal of course, didn't read what Byron posted. I only saw the title "A Condensed Version of History", I saw who posted it and I immediately wondered how that title would somehow be made into a bash of liberals....and gee, guess what? I guess I have "...that ESPN or something".

When do the threads titles which include the invented terminology like "Conservitards" and so on begin? Oh, that's right....we're the ones that DON'T think we have it all figured out for everyone. They are the ones that do. Happy Holidays, Mis Amigos!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dan in Pasadena (Post 3643552)

I; as a liberal of course, didn't read what Byron posted.

Of course you didn't read it, but as a liberal, you know what it says.:p

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hugh R (Post 3643544)

A liberal is someone who has great plans to cure society....with my money.

Why that strikes me as just as cut & dried and simplified as saying "A Conservative is someone who has worked hard for what they have and don't want the boat rocked because "I've got mine and screw those who think I'm going to spend a dime of it to try to fix what they see as problems in our society"".

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hugh R (Post 3643567)

Of course you didn't read it, but as a liberal, you know what it says.:p

Hugh, I as a liberal (as a hispanic, as a Califonian...uh er...don't you guys use the expression "Mexifornian"?) I can't read it because its not in Spanish!

C'mon...you're only getting off a few cheap shots when you could be getting off so many more. C'mon, gotta give it the old "conserv-it-try!.

(Byron will be along any second with a juvenile cartoon and a rant-riff.

I've got a case of Bud Light in my kitchen and I have no idea who I'm going to give it to. But one thing is for sure. I'm sure not going to drink it. It's SnowCap season. And after that, I'll return to Inversion. And I don't eat raw fish but do like my steaks rare. And so perhaps I'm a liberal conservative. Or a conservative liberal. Or a Liberative. Or a Conservetal.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hugh R (Post 3643544)

A liberal is someone who has great plans to cure society....with my money.

Yea!
Just about covers it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DARISC (Post 3643569)

"I've got mine and screw those who think I'm going to spend a dime of it to try to fix what they see as problems in our society"".

By Jove, I think he's got it!!

DARISC, let's parse your statement. "I got mine" translation, I worked hard and saved for it. "Screw those who think I'm going to spend a dime of it to try to fix what THEY see as problems in our society" Translation. "They" meaning someone other than me (the guy with the money) "see" their perception of problems.

Yeah, you got it exactly. Someone who wants to use my money to solve that they see as problems in society, mind you my money, not their money.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Racerbvd (Post 3643288)

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B BQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

So then the guy who invented the fire for the BBQ is an independent?