2007 Darwin Awards are In

[Porsche-O-Phile]

THINNING THE HERD" 2007


Eighth Place: In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate while trying to retrieve his car keys.

Seventh Place: A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker -- who often bragged he was "totally-zoned when he ran" -- accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily workout.

Sixth Place: While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8-foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a local hospital.

Fifth Place: Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.

Fourth Place: Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four cartridges into his mouth and pull the trigger.

Third Place: After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H & J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up, and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from seven different weapons. No one else was hurt.

HONORABLE MENTION: Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to create some excitement. Apparently they failed to notice the window was closed.

RUNNER UP: Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.

AND THE 2007 WINNER IS...
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn , Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of a animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes, before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the beast suddenly unloaded. The she er force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that once again proves..."**** happens!"

[sammyg2]

I recognize at least three of those as having been around for several years.
They are still funny though.

[Seric]

To bad Darwin isn't hiring, what a fun job that would be.

[Don Plumley]

Here it is from the official site:

> THE DARWIN AWARDS - January 2008

Announcing the new, the beloved, the 2007 DARWIN AWARD WINNERS!

" Named in honor of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution,
the Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool
by accidentally removing themselves from it. "

This was the year of the Squashed Darwin Award Winner. THREE
independent groups of people attempted to remove the supports
from beneath a barn, a water tower, and a heavy factory roof.
In all cases, the structures collapsed without their aptly-named
supports. Duh! This year brought us 16 jaw-droppping nominees,
not counting new nominees for previous years and Near Misses
(AKA Honorable Mentions) which I will cover in the next ish.

Enjoy the stories of the winners... and be glad you're not one!

~ Wendy

THE 2007 DARWIN AWARD WINNERS WERE SELECTED FROM 17 NOMINEES:
========================================
What Goes Up Must Come Down (8976 votes) 80%
The Enema Within (4252 votes) 80%
Support Group (3728 votes) 78%
Weight Lift (2191 votes) 78%
Stop. Look. Listen. (1763 votes) 77%
Beer for Bears (2225 votes) 76%
Mole Hunt (5366 votes) 75%
A Prop-er Job (4431 votes) 74%
Oil Tank Trampoline (5737 votes) 74%
Cow-ard (38 votes) 72%
Barn Demolition (3336 votes) 71%
Superior Momentum (2112 votes) 71%
Elephants Press Back (1249 votes) 71%
Electronic Fireworks (3620 votes) 70%
Fatal a-Traction (52 votes) 68%
The Laptop Still Works! (1172 votes) 57%
Fatal Foaming Action (1443 votes) 49%
========================================
http://DarwinAwards.com/darwin/darwin2007.html

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RUNNER UP # FIVE:
THE LAPTOP STILL WORKS (Confirmed True by Darwin)

"Driving is not a time to be practicing your multitasking skills,"
remarked CHP spokesman Tom Marshall, commenting on a 29-year-old
computer tutor's decision to drive along Highway 99 in California
while working on his laptop. He drifted over the center line, and
was killed by oncoming traffic. CHP officers found Oscar's computer
still running, plugged into the Honda Accord's cigarette lighter.

REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-12.html

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RUNNER UP # FOUR:
SUPERIOR MOMENTUM (Confirmed True by Darwin)

June 2007, Illinois | Two Valparaiso men tested their reflexes by
playing "chicken" with a train. Which man could stay on the rail
the longest in the path of an oncoming train? At the stroke of
midnight, the contest was decided. The winner, aptly named
Patrick Stiff, lost his life. The train continued on,
as the conductor was unaware that it had hit anyone.

REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-07.html

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RUNNER UP # THREE:

BARN DEMOLITION (Unconfirmed by Darwin)

January 2007, West Virginia) Three friends set out to dismantle
a dilapidated barn one bracing winter afternoon. Speaking of
bracing... One industrious man fired up his chainsaw and ripped
through a crucial support post. Carrying the weight of a full
barn roof, those wooden support beams were all that stood between
the demolition worker and structural collapse. It was all fun
and games until the roof, sans support, succumbed to the pull
of gravity and flattened the man with the chainsaw. As a
consolation prize, the deceased was indeed successful at
demolishing the barn.

(Darwin notes, this story is unconfirmed, but no disputes have
come to my attention, as usually happens with bogus stories.)

REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-02.html

Addendum: This was the year of the Squashed Darwin Award Winner.
Two other groups of people attempted to remove the supports from
beneath a water tower, and a heavy factory roof. In both cases,
the structure collapsed without their aptly-named supports. Duh!

REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-09.html
--------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+
RUNNER UP # TWO:
MOLE HUNT (Confirmed True by Darwin)

January 2007, East Germany | One man's extraordinary effort to
eradicate a mole from his property resulted in a victory for the
mole. The metal rods he pounded into the ground and connected to
a high-voltage power line, electrified the very ground the man
stood upon. He was found dead at his holiday property on the
Baltic Sea. Police had to trip the main circuit breaker before
venturing onto the property.

REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-01.html

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RUNNER UP # ONE:
WHAT GOES UP MUST COME DOWN (Confirmed Double Darwin Award)

June 2007, South Carolina | A passing cabbie found a 21 year-old
deceased couple laying naked in the road an hour before sunrise.
Authorities were baffled. There were no witnesses, no trace of
clothing, and no wrecked vehicles present. But investigators
eventually found a clue high on the roof of a nearby building:
two sets of neatly folded clothes. Safe sex takes on a whole new
meaning when you are perched on the edge of a pyramid-shaped
metal roof. "It appears as if [they] accidentally fell off the
roof," Sgt. McCants said.

REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-05.html
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AND THE 2007 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS...

THE ENEMA WITHIN (Confirmed True by Darwin)

May 2004, Texas | Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary
alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor... well,
rectally. His wife said he was "addicted to enemas" and often
used alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation.
And tonight, Michael was in for one hell of a party.

Two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid ounces,
right up the old address!

When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or
pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed
out) the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be
absorbed. The next morning, Michael was dead.

The 58-year-old did a pretty good job of embalming himself.
Toxicology reports measured his blood alcohol level as 0.47%.

In order to qualify for a Darwin Award, a person must remove
himself from the gene pool via an "astounding misapplication
of judgment." Three litres of sherry up the butt can only be
described as astounding. Unsurprisingly, his neighbors said
they were surprised to learn of the incident.

REFERENCES: http://darwinawards.com/darwin/darwin2007-13.html