uRGENT hELP / ADVISE NEEDED

afterburn 549 · 01-10-2008, 07:00 PM

Step daughter, - At 1st thought this was ez cure , Bujt I am over my head,, she eats, vomits, hides food, seems ez,- learn more .Shop lifts ,.. knows no boundries, consumed with weight loss, talks a little about suicides, (not much) went to a fat camp last summer lost lots of weight...
Lies about every thing, skips school, steels her brothers drug for ADD .
To me after much thought she reacts to everthing like a heroine addict, I plug one hole and the next weaker link blows...At 1 st I thought this was a discipline problem.......know I am convinced it is a addiction problem masked by many things. HELP
I am sure she needs a help house of sorts, she is 16 yrs old
thanx
you thoughts or ideas ? please ...........r

stomachmonkey · 01-10-2008, 07:03 PM

She needs immediate professional psych counseling.

afterburn 549 · 01-10-2008, 07:18 PM

I (we) live N. Of Seattle ...we have done counciling for ever, Need more in put
I am willing to send her where it will do her the most good... I am convinced that a once a week office visit will do nothing........

HardDrive · 01-10-2008, 07:26 PM

How long have you been her step dad?

afterburn 549 · 01-10-2008, 07:38 PM

Not very long...........about a year...but this has all been going on for a long time ..long be for me.
I truly belive this problem will distroy her by her 25 B.day
She dose not sleep, walks the floor at night ,, sneaks food..(thats a small porblem hiding the tip of the old ice burg)
I think she feels unloved or some problem that needs to be worked out...Her mother is on board with me here - we are not trying to wisk her off or out of here ...just do the right thing

slodave · slodave's Garage

Intervention?

Don Plumley · Don Plumley's Garage

I'm sorry for your and your step daughter's problems. Is she over/under 18? Suggest you speak with the psych you've been using and ask about residential treatment programs. Maybe something hard like outward bound or similar?

RoninLB · 01-10-2008, 09:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by afterburn 549

you thoughts or ideas ? please ...........r

I read an article that said the "drive" or passion in that personality has to be diverted into another road if it's destructive. Also that reeducation that only attempts to restrict it without the remapping is worthless beyond a short time.

Just think where she could be if she wrote music with that passion.

911Rob · 911Rob's Garage

Sorry to hear about your troubles afterburn.

It sound like you have your hands full, but you are willing to do the right thing and be a good parent; good for you!

I've always believed that a child is the product of their environment. How has this girl been raised? At this age the slightest things can be the biggest problems to a child. Things like "Sally said this" or "Joe did that". Very trivial things can be huge matters for teenagers. All you can do is to make her environment the best that it can be.

Of course she must know that you and your wife love her.

Make ALL of the adult decisions for her; some step kids can be downloaded with adult challenges that they can't handle. Let her know that you love her and that you're there to make the decisions and she is under your protection.

Smaller schools and communities are often better as there is more accountability among the kids and the less populare ones fit in easier. She could be under alot of peer pressures?

Working with and through some of her friends parents can help to? Often the parents of your daughters friends will know about the situation than you. Kids are more apt to talk to their parents about their friends than themselves. Let everyone know that you love her and you're trying to help. Human nature usually leads to kids/parents wanting to help in these situations.

Work with her, communicate and let her know how much you love and care for her. You may need to restrict some of her activities and socializing until you see some better results in her behaviour.

The weight thing is brought on my society. Less TV and teen mags is a definate; but make your house a healthy house too. Good eating habits focusing on nutrition and activities. Lead by example. Provide lots of food for her, but make it all good and nutritional. Make grabbing a healthy snack easy and get rid of all the crappy food from your kitchen. Take a family walk and talk as much as possible.

My two cents......... hoping something might help. I feel for you man!
Good Luck,

BTW.... a sig should tell your name?

Sonic dB · Sonic dB's Garage

you said that she has been your step daughter for a short time...
how is your relationship with her... are you friends? do you guys talk?
being the new guy is always a little bit hard... maybe it would help
if you could show her that you can talk with her without being judgemental
at all...kids appreciate when adults dont show judgement to them...

how is her relationship with her mom? where is her father?
what was her prior relationship with her father?

the counciling is important...but do it as a family and dont push it on her

good luck it is great that you care...

Sapporo Guy · 01-11-2008, 01:23 AM

Dude, you're being an awesome father (step-father) for trying to be there for her!

Is there a doc here? I imagine that we're just helping folks so ... we can't be clinically correct ...

Lot of great advice here and really probably can't pitch in much more than to agree with the idea of being her friend but yet adult figure.

(errr, I'm into something similar but the boy is only 12 and not the step-father yet but ... most likely on the way to be).

Lot's of background questions that need to filled to help more:

Look at it from her point. You're a guy boinking her mother.
You come into the family unit as the new father.
Did she agree to you? Did she resist? Or did she just say "ahh, WTF, why not?"

What's her school life like?
Her friends?

What does the mother know about this and the possible reasons?
Pissed off about the divorce? (I hope not the father's death)

How's the mother-daughter relationship?

You really need to find the source of why or possibly why this all started.

I like the advice that you should reassure her that you love her but ... she'll probably be thinking of you just saying that to keep the mother happy.

quoting Sonic dB

Quote:

if you could show her that you can talk with her without being judgemental
at all...kids appreciate when adults dont show judgement to them...

I think this is great! Don't forget to reassure her 1,000 times that you will not punish her being honest, you just want to hear her side.

I wonder if locking her down is really that good at the moment. She probably just resents you both for doing that to her. Would you want to be dragged off to see a shrink? WTF, would a shrink know? Remember to see things from her viewpoint.

Maybe, asking her "why?" might be a good start. Listening and understanding should get you lots of good miles out this situation.

Sounds by her eating habits that she also has a chemical imbalance. which is why I think Rob911 comment

Quote:

Provide lots of food for her, but make it all good and nutritional.

is really good.

I did something really dangerous at a high school I work at: I was chatting with girl who was a suicide addict. Wrist cutter (almost 3 times a week). I just said bluntly to her, "if you're gonna do it, do it right and don't cause clean up problems when you check out! Because it is messy and your parents will have to clean up!" Dammm, the faces on the other teachers were in shock. They couldn't believe I just told a student to "off" herself.

Yes, this was risky. And I have no credentials at all to do consoling and what not.

However, she cruised in the guidance room about month later and proudly declared that she has decided to kick the habit and live life. I got lucky. But maybe it was the shock that I put it in black and white to her that no other adult had the balls to do. Maybe, she wanted to be told that she was wrong and wanted to be listened to without the "oh, you poor child" routine.

I don't know if this story helps but ... maybe there is a nugget in there that could be useful.

Thank you for being a true father!

Rot 911 · 01-11-2008, 05:30 AM

The combination of all these problems are indicative of a need for some serious intervention. I would suggest a good in-patient program. I really can't imagine you and your wife being able to handle her problems by yourselves.

bivenator · 01-11-2008, 05:57 AM

I work in a mental health field. The symptoms described sound like bi-polar/manic depressive. Is she on any psych meds? There is a clinic in Newport Beach CA (The Amen Clinic) that could prove to be helpful. The doc I work for here in Houston was affiliated with them at one time. I have seen many success stories come from the treatment that we provide and would feel confident recommending the Amen Clinic.
Amen Clinic is not a religious affliliation but was named for the founder, Dr Amen. I don't know the website but here is the site for my work. brainwavesnic.com
We are similar in treatment approach. Best of luck in getting the help that is needed for your daughter. She already has a great foundation by having two parents who care.
Scott

Moneyguy1 · 01-11-2008, 06:04 AM

Scott gives good advice. Having had a first wife who was bi-polar (your stepdaugher's actions sound very familiar), there came a point where I could no longer deal with it and help from the outside was necessary. I may sound like a broken recoed, but remember the "Three C's": You didn't cause the probelm, you can't control the roblem, and you can't cure the problem. I would suggest help for you and your wife as well. You require support too.

Jeff Higgins · 01-11-2008, 06:30 AM

Bring her down to the XXX for breakfast tomorrow. We'll give her a full evaluation, develop a treatment program, and have her straightened out and flying right in just a couple of visits. Promise.

In all seriousness, I can't imagine what I would do in your situation. You've received some good advice here. Sounds like time for some serious, professional help. Good luck.

afterburn 549 · 01-11-2008, 06:59 AM

Forgot to mention a couple of things , she is on adderall (for ADD) and lexapro (depression) , eats and purges alot.
She has been to counseling on and off since about 4 years old because of her being...stuburn hard to deal with.
She is no way retarded if that is the right word, does well in class when the mood is right.
I have tumbled to the fact that she needs profesional service around the clock for a while. "Where" is the Question. I see one place is mentioned (Amen clinic ) (will call).
I have strived to be her friend...she has a habit of not letting adult type people into her problems and life - gets explosive or shuts down. ( which ever works best for her for the moment )
We have had some success latlely and do tell- I /We love her; I do not expect her to think of me as her dad (He is alive and well and I / we keep him in the loop as much as possible)
Like said b4, her present course of tragectory...she is real likely to end up where she is headed..early grave
I see more drugs in the proverbial mail (that she will take later to solve her problems in the future ) She Loves her Adderall cause it supresses her appetite. Recent pee test indicated adderall as the only drug in her system. 2 years a go she was doing alot of pot.
This is not good.
Thanks for all the advice so far.
I know there is no EZ fix.
Most importantly, we need to find a place ASAP to send her.

tcar · 01-11-2008, 07:08 AM

Where is her father in all this?

HardDrive · 01-11-2008, 07:18 AM

This all sounds like attention seeking behavior. She could certainly use a consult with psychologist, but a few family sessions might be in order as well.

Just my 2 cents.

I come from a divorced home. My sister was about here age when the divorce happend.

Think this though. You are a 16 year old girl. There are tons of presures on you already. In this midst of this, your parents get a divorce, and you suddenly have a new 'dad' in the house. Even if everything has been reasonably amicable, this kid has been on a rough road.

My parent sent my sister to The Hyde School out in Maine. From what I remember it is expensive, but they take a rather brutal 'cut through the BS' approach that brings about change. My sister attended the Bath, Maine campus. It helped her, and it helped the family.

http://www.hyde.edu

bivenator · 01-11-2008, 07:45 AM

Do call the Amen clinic. If your child has been misdiagnosed with ADD, the adderall can exacerbate/aggravate other undiagnosed disorders. The lexapro for depression may not be doing much good if a bipolar/manic diagnosis is more appropriate.
Regards,
Scott

afterburn 549 · 01-11-2008, 07:46 AM

It is hard to give advise to turnup...If she dose not like the advise ..from her own mother or me ( or a situation) she might walk right through you and out the door and stay where ever she pleases....for a couple of days!!..Some of her MOMs friends have said this is "normal" teen age behavior. I say B.S. !!
She has in her possion condems and some kind of end it all after "the night" abortion pill. ( I am sure she stole )
For awhile I thought I was nuts all that was going on here not seeing the forest through the tree thing.
Mom has been brought up to speed and now sees the "forest " -that all this can not be tolerated..
I know, I cant chain her in her room..and you can not force anyone to change their thinking....but she is youg enough that with the "right " program she might have a chance still,,not end up ..on the street.