Jeremy Clarkson on Scoobie Roos...
 

Jeremy Clarkson
There are many ways to tell if someone is a bit thick. You can sit them in a room and ask them to push various bits of plastic into a wooden box. Or you can ask them to describe a cloud. Or you can carefully measure the distance between their eyes, the height of their forehead or the length of their arms.

But there’s another, easier way of establishing whether someone is two spanners short of a tool box. Just ask them this simple question: “Are you wearing a Subaru rally jacket?” Because if they are, you will need to speak more slowly.

I’ll let you into a little secret. Each week, when Top Gear is on air, we prepare two scripts. One is a polysyllabic orgy of complex thoughts on the meaning of human happiness. And the other is full of words such as “tits” and “arse”. Choosing which one eventually gets used depends on how many audience members turn up in Subaru Imprezas.

No, really. If the audience is largely in tweed and Viyella, you can make them laugh with oblique references to Dickens and the iniquities of colonialism in 19th century Calcutta. If it’s a forest of Subaru baseball caps out there, we stick to genitals and spend the day skidding around the studio on banana skins.

Of course, there are intelligent Subaru drivers, but for the majority of them, there are only eight letters in the alphabet. WRX STIR and B.

I think the problem may be this. A Subaru Impreza is seen by the rallying fraternity as the golden-wheeled wonder boy. It was a Subaru that took Richard Burns to his world championship, and a Subaru with which Colin McRae became synonymous. Subarus are to rallying, then, what Ferrari is to Formula One.

And rallying, I’m afraid, is a sport for the terminally gormless. You stand there, on a frozen Welsh hillside, not knowing whether to drink the soup you’ve made or pour it into your wellingtons. And the evening is enlivened only when a pair of extremely noisy headlights whizz by, hurling a million bits of gravel into your face. The only good news about this is that your face is so chuffing cold you can’t feel the blood tricking out of all the open wounds.

What’s more, you do not know what sort of car the headlights were attached to. You do not know who was driving. And you do not know whether they were travelling faster than the previous set of headlights that spewed stones into your iced-up cheeks.

Rallying is the only sport on God’s earth where you watch the event live but do not know who’s won until long after you’ve got home and had a bath to remove all the mud that became stuck to you when you fell over in a Welsh wood at three in the morning.

The only possible reason for being there is to see someone called Stig Stigsson crash. Except you won’t, of course, because the rally is thousands of miles long and the chances of there being a prang right where you’re standing is remote. And even if you are lucky, you won’t actually see the impact because you’ll have been blinded by grit thrown into your eyes by Stig Magnesstig’s Citroën.

Of course, there is another way of going rallying, and that’s to take part. This is very simple. You buy a car that costs thousands of pounds. You then have that car tweaked and prepared, which costs even more. And then you drive it at incredibly high speed into a tree.

Show me someone who has a Subaru then and I’ll show you someone who thinks rallying is fun. And that means we’re almost certainly talking about a person who breathes through his mouth and has short legs, no forehead and one, possibly lacerated, eye.

Strangely, however, Subaru Imprezas have always been rather intelligent cars. They were so much more quiet and refined than alternatives from Ford and Mitsubishi. You got the impression that an Impreza would know how to hold a knife and fork. And whether to have its cheese before its pudding.

Whereas an Evo, you suspected, would goose your wife, eat with its mouth open and vomit into the sugar bowl during the coffee and mints. A Ford Escort Cosworth, meanwhile, would stab you just to get an electric ankle bracelet and an Asbo.

And now into the mix comes the new Subaru Impreza. I drove the WRX model recently and was terribly underwhelmed. It was too ugly, too soft, equipped like an Eskimo’s khazi and about as exciting as Tuesday. The car you see in the picture this morning, however, is what we’ve really all been waiting for. The STi version. The one with the flared wheelarches, four exhausts and almost 300 horsepowers.

First things first. The looks. And I’m sorry but I’m still not sold. The standard car looks like a lightly melted Rover 25. With its flared aches, this looks like a lightly melted Rover 25 with bingo wings.

Then there’s the interior. As is customary, the STi badge on the dash is pink and I’m afraid it really doesn’t go with the orange dials or the green indicator lights. It’s like a four-year-old has been let loose in there with a box of felt-tip pens.

Still, the vibrant colouring does at least take your mind off the fact that this is a £25,000 car that comes with fewer toys than an Ethiopian birthday boy. You know if a car maker is in trouble when, in its own brochure, it says the car is fitted as standard with locking wheel nuts and pneumatic bonnet struts. This is code for saying, “Sat nav’s extra.”

But of course the most important question is how the STi drives. And the answer is: provided you are the sort of person who can set the timer on a 1989 video recorder . . . it depends.

You see, down by your left elbow there’s a small panel featuring a number of buttons and acronyms that you won’t find in any other car. First of all, you choose what sort of throttle response you’d like. Then you choose from six settings how much power you’d like to go to the front wheels and how much to the back.

Or you can go for the auto setting, which unlocks the centre differential, sending most of the torque to the rear, or the Auto +, which sends it to the front. And now we get to the three-way vehicle dynamics control system, which turns the traction control system on, off or very off.

I have no doubt that on a track, when nothing is coming the other way and you can go beyond the limits, you will be able to spend many happy hours fiddling about, choosing exactly how you’d like to hit a tree. But you know what? On the road, even if you drive quite quickly, you can do whatever you like with any of these settings and it makes not a blind bit of difference.

I suspect the control panel is primarily designed as a talking point at Subaru owners’ club meetings. In the same way that the button that turns the traction control off in your car is something you mention to colleagues when giving them a lift. But you’d never actually use it.

Honestly? The only time I ever deactivate a car’s traction control is when I’m driving past a camera on Top Gear. On the road? Never. And so it goes with the STi. I pushed and prodded all the various buttons and, having realised they weren’t making much difference, put everything in auto and left them alone.

In this mode, the STi is demonstrably better than the WRX. Harder, more taut and noticeably faster. There’s still understeer, in any setting, which was always a tiresome characteristic of the old car. But there is something new. The flat-four strum is gone. The new 2.5 litre engine just sounds boring and I must therefore recommend you opt for the Prodrive sports exhaust to liven it up a bit.

So even though Subarus are probably the most reliable cars made – they make Hondas look like South American dictatorships – the new STi doesn’t look or sound good, it isn’t equipped very well and it doesn’t excite like its bingo wings and four tailpipes suggest it will. Put simply, I did not enjoy driving it.

I think therefore you may have to be a bit dim to buy one. If you’re a Subaru fan with a full range of Subaru clothing in your wardrobe, you’ll probably love it.

Even though I find Clarkson to be an extremely funny guy, I must admit that he does make me laugh.

the brit version of busting on NASCAR.

to me that comments about rally racing are further proof that the man is an ass. maybe he's just pissed about not being able to have aussie slaves and so busts on a tradition they too seem to embrace.

Too funny!! My neighbor got a Silver one a couple of weeks ago. Pre ordered it and everything. They are pricey though, around $38 grand. Yikes.

Not just LOL, but actually LAUGH OUT LOUD...

Ever watched a rally? He's absolutely correct.

I'm also worried that he might be right about the new STI. Impreza's have never been about looks, but they have been about cheap thrills. A guy driving an STI probably is a real car guy, because the cars homely looks aren't there to impress, it doesn't have a fancy nameplate, it just drives faster and better than the next guys. In general the Impreza lineup has been softened this time around. Still, if the new hatchback makes it more competitive in the WRC, I'll be happy with that.

I've been to the Rally of the Tall Pines in Bancroft a couple of times, and while I always enjoy it, I do appreciate that its not a great spectacle, in so far as that most of what happens is out of sight, but then I don't see all the thrills at an F1 race, or an ALMS race either. And I could go to an oval to watch more of the race, but then it isn't at all interesting to me. What rally drivers do never fails to astonish me.

How does a hatchback make the STi more competitive?

Anyone that gets mad at Clarkson does not understand him. He's about 90% tounge-in-cheek, 10% serious. The guy is here to entertain, you have to roll with it and laugh along. When it comes to that, the man is a master. If you want pure information, watch 5th Gear.

I used to be an STi fan, but the new one is $10k too expensive and not nearly fast enough. Cool cars, but it's not THAT special. Plus, the new one is FUGLY.

Maybe I'm just a bit perverse but I like spectating at rallys, fresh air, normally great scenery and fast cars on a mix of surfaces. Yes I admit just by standing there you can't tell who's leading but really that's no big deal.

I like Clarkson he is very amusing but I think my passion for cars and his really car from polar opposites. For one he hates the film Le Mans, calls it dull and pointless, odd guy!

anyone have this on video? youtube?

That was hilarious! Thanks for that - I've needed something to laugh about lately.

http://media.techeblog.com/images/subaru_wrx_1.jpg

For almost $40k?! No thanks.

Bingo. Need any proof of this, check out his rants about how much he hates Porsches but then watch the road tests where he praises their ability.

$38k and it's a "car that comes with fewer toys than an Ethiopian birthday boy"??

No thanks. For that I'm happy to have my 964, a ton of $$ left over, and a far cooler car. I've been on the track with the old ones. Fast enough in the right hands, no doubt. I've been passed by them, and I've passed them.

Rallying stopped being watchable when Group B was banned

in the old days, they made more noise, were scarier, crashed more often, killed more drivers, killed more spectators

it just ain't what it used to be

Considering you could almost pick up a BMW 335i, I'd say Subaru is out of their league. For the same money you could have an Infiniti G35/G37, Lexus IS, MB C-class, Cadillac CTS and a host of others. Hell, you can have a RWD Pontiac G8 with 360 HP and a 6-speed for $30k.

The last WRX stood for cheap speed, but they seem to be moving in a new direction. Even worse, this much more expensive STi doesn't even go any faster than the old one. BUT, it does feature more acronyms!

True enough... after DVRing the show he is on at first I was a little offended but then I realized he is a comedian and the attitude is part of the act. Once you get over that he is pretty funny.

I am also WRC fan but don't take what he is saying too seriously.

Brilliant!

According to Best Motoring, it's actually quite a bit faster than the old one. The new EVO on the other hand is slower than the old one, and slower than the old sti around there circuit.

Found the link:
http://www.autoblog.com/2008/01/09/video-battle-royale-between-new-and-old-evos-imprezas/
Also i believe the base price of the new STI is 35k.

I should have written, not MUCH faster. If I recall the article I read, I think it was C&D, it was quicker than the old STi, but not dramatically so. I think the power is about the same, but peaks earlier. All the new gizmos help it go around the track quicker though.

It starts a bit under $35k, but the BBS wheels are $2k, BBS & navigation are $3800. My guess is, most will at least have the BBS option. Still too much, in my opinion. I'd rather have a Mazdaspeed 3 for much less money.

Petter Solberg was partially responsible for the push that took the STI from a sedan to a hatchback. The hatchback has a lower polar moment of inertia then the sedan, which improves its handling around a rally stage. If you look at the current crop of WRC cars, you will see that all the competitive cars are hatchbacks. Probably the reason why Mitsubishi still hasn't gone back in as a full WRC car, they want to keep the sedan layout for the EVO.

In defence of the STI (and since I'm disappointed, its not a vigorous defence) $35k buys you a 320hp AWD machine with a lot of performance features. Where else could you get that? EVO is heavier, less powerful and slower, Audi is heavier, less powerful, slower and more expensive, VW R32, same story, can you get a 335i with X-drive? Is X-drive even a proper AWD (I don't know, maybe someone can enlighten me).

The thing I respect about the STI is that Subaru spent their time and money on performance, and decided to forgo luxuries and styling for speed. As a guy interested in performance, I can respect that. Too many "fast" cars today are luxo-barges. 500bhp is great, but not if the car weighs north of 4000lbs. Too few manufacturers are building genuine performance cars, too much luxury weight, too many flappy paddle gearboxes.

The Subaru set here in the US is vastly different to that in the UK, as Clarkson describes. I think the man is a genius. Clarkson for Prime Minister!

Cheers,

Paul.

http://www.bmw135i.net/images/Canada...01_640x480.jpg
I'll take the 300 HP, 3300 lb, RWD, manual transmission BMW 135i. Modern 2002? Yes please. Oh yeah, and it starts at $35k.

Not AWD, but since when is AWD a requirement for a sports car? Nothing against AWD, but unless you plan to rally it, not exactly a requirement.

This is a Buick Lucerne. It also costs about $35k nicely equipped. It has a nice gushy automatic transmission. Who needs a stick shift? Let's post more pictures of $35k cars that can't hold an STI's shorts.
http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1201014339.jpg

How so? 135i should do 0-60 in under 5 seconds, based on the 5 second time that the heavier 335i puts down. Factory sport suspension, LSD, lighter weight, faster, I'll bet it will beat an STi around the track as well. All with an interior that doesn't look like it was plucked from a Kia.

I've always like the WRX and STi, my only point is it's too damn much.

+1

At the end of the day, you are driving a nearly $40k subaru

The STI's drivetrain sophistication is the big difference. Even my old '04 STI was just extraordinary in how it put the power down in corners. A 2WD car--even with LSD and all sorts of electronic aids--just can't come close to the hand-of-God feel of an STI. With the common 50 or 100 extra ft-lbs of torque that can be easily added to an STI or x35i, the difference will be even more profound.

Shame that Jeremy is such a doddering old man that he couldn't be bothered.

He is right about one thing. I cringe whenever I see some faux gangsta in his knit cap slouched down in an STI. Of course I see the same thing in half the M3s around here, too, so it's certainly not just a Subaru thing.

honestly, where is the 'genius' in this? he makes a joke and then tells you why it's funny? if it's genius you want to experience go listen to Eddie Izzard. THAT man has a brain in his head and he doesn't need to leave a trail of hints to the punchline.

Puh-leez! I've seen as many STis in my rear view mirror as the windshield of my "2WD" 964. I like STis and they are fast cars, but let's keep a grip on reality.

Imo - Suburu as a whole, now shares your skewed vision of what the STi is. The reality is, it's a pumped up econobox that now costs as much as what it was trying to keep up with, thus negating it's value. Furthermore, it's an insult to compare the 135i to the STi let alone a Buick. Are you really that removed from objective automotive analysis? I thought Clarkson was kidding about you Suby types but........:)

I'm with you OWP! However, I'm going to be on the list for the first Tii that sees these parts. Rest assured, it will have more STis behind it than my 964. It is one sweet ride.

http://img515.imageshack.us/img515/6...riestiidi8.jpg

The only thing better would be if Porsche built a back-to-basics, simple version of the Cayman to compete with the 135i. That would be sublime.

w/ a targa roof.

Your post is a combination of stereotypes and ignorance.

Torsional rigidity? Advantage Subaru.

Crash safety? Advantage Subaru.

Drivetrain? HUGE advantage Subaru.

Brakes? BMWs have always had awful brakes, and the STI's are on a level with Porsche's.

Engine? Subaru won engine of the year for the STI engine. BMW won it for the 35i engine.

Cushy, luxo plastics? BMW wins for sure.

Inverted panels and weird creases? BMW has the lead, but the new STI is closing the gap.

Ability to bias the underinformed? BMW does have a good grip on that one.

Yeah he's a funny guy.... LOL there for sure!

But then there's the dark side of his humour from the following episode in case you haven't seen:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DExG0qNsIM4

I can't even imagine where you come up with that. :confused: Stereotype? Uhhhh.....do you mean against Suburu? Japanese? Rally? STi crowd? Blacks? Please specify because you lost me.

Ignorant? Can't say I agree. While I don't own a STi, I have a LOT of friends that do. I've driven them on street and track. As mentioned earlier - I like them. I've run with them in my 911 on the track. I've seen STis at their limit, and I've felt STis at their limit. Oddly enough, most of this occured at BMW (the marque you seem to detest) driver's schools. Some at PCA events. So your assertion that I'm ignorant simply shows that you do not know how to objectively argue, let alone objectively assess cars. You wear your bias on your sleeve. No doubt some name calling is next on your agenda.

Speaking of objective assessment, I question the validity of your statements. Where did you find crash analysis on the new Suby? How about the new 1 series? Tell us all you know in one sentence (which seems fitting) about the torsional rigidity of the new 1 series. Tell me about the brakes- what kind are they? fact is, if you knew anything about the new Tii that is coming out, you would recognize it for what it is, incomparable to the Suburu.

Now if you want to talk Mustangs and Suburus.....well, then you're on to something.

Ok I'll bite!

Torsional rigidity? Advantage Subaru. = Are you sure? Do you have the figures to back this up?

Crash safety? Advantage Subaru. = Ditto ?

Drivetrain? HUGE advantage Subaru. =Well yes and no, the BMWs will be lighter, the engine sits further back and 4wd no matter how good it is will only ever give you improved traction out of bends and maybe a little more stability under braking. Actual cornering speed isn't improved by 4x4.

Brakes? BMWs have always had awful brakes, and the STI's are on a level with Porsche's. = Historically true but is it now the case?

Engine? Subaru won engine of the year for the STI engine. BMW won it for the 35i engine.

Cushy, luxo plastics? BMW wins for sure.= yup!

Inverted panels and weird creases? BMW has the lead, but the new STI is closing the gap. = Not going to argue this one!

Just to clarify some miss information, the new STI is built on it's own designed chassis that according to subaru is much stiffer than the normal impreza "econobox" chassis as per an autoblog article i read a while ago. Continue BMW circle jerk ;) Oh and the STI is 3350 lbs i believe.

This wasn't a BMW "circlejerk" until someone compared the BMW to a Buick. Opinions vary, but it's amusing to hear such insults from a STi owner because the STi, while a very nice car, is built on an econobox platform. Thank you for clarifying that it's a very stiff econobox platform - but it's still a box. Why is this bad? Only because it costs too much money now and diverges from the original product philosophy - a very fast, capable car at a reasonable (but never cheap) price. That is what made the STi such a cool car. Now it's too damn much money imo.

As far as the BMW 1 series, after reading up on it a bit (the latest Roundel) I think it falls in the same catagory as the STi in two respects - it's too expensive and it's too heavy. Therefore, I retract my earlier assertion that I would buy it for the same money as the STi because it appears that is not an option. (see 135i thread if you're interested)

You may think I was being derisive when I made a Mustang STi comparison earlier. Not so. In fact, right now the Mustang might be a real bargain with the weak dollar and dealer discounting. I'm not crazy about the looks and I've never sat in one, let alone driven one. I have seen them on the track. They are very fast. Lots of HP for the $$.

You think a Mazda 3 and an STi are comparable cars?

I can tell you from direct experience that the only area where a (non/lightly modded) 964 exceeds a non modded WrX (and not an STi) is in its long legs. The Porsche will go much faster at the top end. The fastest Ive seen on a WRX in 217kmh (radar checked on a proving bowl during a, err, rally) and the 964 will eat that. Else, the Wrx is the equal of the 964. Till it rains ofcourse.

STis will eat 964s them for breakfast, albeit they are (still I think) elctroniclly limited to around 200kmh.

I have both a 964 and a WRX and have driven them both in various forms of comepetive motorsport. If you are going faster than STis on the track, it because of you, holding all else equal.