A question for Stepfathers...advice needed

[Dueller]

Any stepdad goes in knowing he is below the stepkids as a priority with the wife in the big scheme of things. This is understandable and something you must accept. Yet the spouse seems to want you there when you agree on handling issues that arise but becomes defensive when don't see eye to eye of discipline, etc. And mothers become very defensive at times when you are unjustly critical or skeptical in mom's eyes.

So how do you handle it?. If you defer despite registering your disagreement, your accused of not wanting to accept responsibility. Sometimes you actually or indirectly communicate that "Fine...they're not my kids...you deal with it." Then you're really in the dog house for not being supportive.

I didn't really have much of a problem with my stepson...we have a great relationship and mother deferred to me on many issues. But with the dtr's I find myself sometimes being challenged or even blamed for things when mom sides with the girls.

Where/how do you draw the line?.

[dhoward]

You can't. It's lose-lose as far I as can go.
I have a really good relationship with my wife's 14 year-old-son.
They will yell at one another for 1/2 hour at a time.
I very seldom have to raise my voice to him.
If I don't back her up, even when she's clearly in the wrong, I am an ******* for not supporting her.
I just take my lumps and move on. Even when I feel I'm doing the right thing.

[dhoward]

Oops. Spelled areshole wrong...

[KFC911]

No advice, but I wish you the best in working through this...it's got to be tough. Damned if you do, damned if you don't...and just plain 'ole damn . Good luck Dueller.

[Overpaid Slacker]

I've got to echo Keith....

What I would do, is say to the mom, straight up, that she can either stop insisting on making your involvement a lose/lose situation or let you off the hook entirely.

Her "rock and hard place" feelings vis-a-vis her kids do not justify putting you in an even more dire lose/lose situation --> she's not going to give up on her kids, but could give up on you if she can't be reasonable about the untenability of your position.

JP

[Dueller]

You know, I don't wanna be so trivial as to reduce it to a money thing, but I recently sold my cool bachelor's pad that was cramped but adequate for us and dropped a quarter mil on a new larger house to make us more comfortable in the year or two before they're all off to college. Think I get any kudos for that move?

I dunno...maybe I'm just having a pity party

[imcarthur]

Originally Posted by KC911

Damned if you do, damned if you don't...and just plain 'ole damn.

That about sums it up. You will always lose when the mother instinct kicks in. Just back down & bear it. The most infuriating is when you make a negative decision that they don't like & they run to mommy & get a positive one. There is nothing you can do.

Ian

[Dueller]

Originally Posted by imcarthur

That about sums it up. You will always lose when the mother instinct kicks in. Just back down & bear it. The most infuriating is when you make a negative decision that they don't like & they run to mommy & get a positive one. There is nothing you can do.

Ian

I have to admit that USUALLY I am in the right. And there have been a number of situations where my instincts were correct but I deferred to mom. Then when it goes off in the ditch and it turns out I was right, I get lambasted for gloating...

Something I guess I need to work on, I s'pose.

[Groesbeck Hurricane]

MANY moons ago when the earth was young I dated a lady who was a bit older than me (most of the ones I dated were) for a long period of time. Her young (5-6) son was a bit out of control. About three months into it she lost it and yelled for me to deal with it. He was like, yeah, right, my dad will take care of you. I told him the spanking was coming, I bent him over my knee, and struck him one good one. Kid was so shocked he didn't know what to do!! Dad tried to say something later but I was a good head taller and just as big. He did not push it and left well enough alone. Kid was great after that!!!

You both just have to find a way to work it out. Something you can BOTH live with. I would not say it is impossible, but you both have to agree to it and deal with the children as if they were yours all along. It helps if the ex is on board as well.

[Overpaid Slacker]

Money is not a trivial issue in relationships; especially where there is a disparity of income and expectation.

There's nothing wrong with feeling that your choosing to absorb the cost of her life (read: kids) should be appreciated, and if she can't reciprocate monetarily, at least she should acknowledge that you're putting yourself out and cut your some slack on other fronts. If there is no "other front" on which she can accommodate your feelings or compromise, then she's a liability all around.

JP

[Moses]

Marriage. You can be right or you can be happy. Your choice.

[stomachmonkey]

Ground Rules.

There are rules for the house, not individuals. Individual rules come about when the house rules are ignored.

You and the wife need to establish house rules first because the house belongs to all of you.

You and the wife need to understand that if they were NOT your stepkids that the two of you would still disagree from time to time.

My wife and I try to present a united front and have one position with the kids.

Sometimes we disagree and I put the brakes on the current conversation, we go to another room and discuss and then come back to the kids.

Nothing wrong with "go to your room until your mother and I have decided how we will handle this"

[Rikao4]

it's about the party ,
you want, or feel the need to 'punish' them for what transpired.
Mom, while pissed..it's lah lah

go fishing with your son,
Rika

[notfarnow]

I have nothing valuable to contribute, but I'd just like to say that if I could, I'd buy a beer for every every stepmom/dad out there. Tough work, and not a lot of "thanks" for it.

My step dad missed the "cute" years, and got us just in time to have 3 petulant, beligerant arseholes. The love and patience he showed us was remarkeable. The marriage didn't last, but he still has full points in my book.

3 cheers for all the stepdads out there, take a bow

[dhoward]

Originally Posted by Dueller

I have to admit that USUALLY I am in the right. And there have been a number of situations where my instincts were correct but I deferred to mom. Then when it goes off in the ditch and it turns out I was right, I get lambasted for gloating...

Something I guess I need to work on, I s'pose.

I've gotten WAY past the gloat. I don't even mention that I was right all along. She knows it. No point in pushing her nose in it.
One circumstance where we may differ, My wife is disabled and has been unable to spend a lot time with her son the way she wants to. So I have deep-rooted guilt issues to deal with too.

Thanks.
I'm going for a cocktail now....

[M.D. Holloway]

You can not win. I repeat, you can not win. Heck son, you can't break even! The best you can hope for is not to piss them off too much. Here is the suggestion I give our Son at least once a week - maybe someday it will sink in.

"Don't say a word when Mom starts going off on you."

I bet the problem is that the girls prolly don't listen to you or disregard what you ask them to do. Best learn to live with it. The boy you can work on man-2-man but those princesses - firgitaboutit!

Just give a sympathetic look and tell her you love her. Let Momma han'l it.

[Tim Hancock]

Originally Posted by LubeMaster77

You can not win. I repeat, you can not win. Heck son, you can't break even! The best you can hope for is not to piss them off too much.

Just give a sympathetic look and tell her you love her. Let Momma han'l it.

About where I have ended up with my step daughters (one in college & one a senoir in HS). Truth be told, as time goes on, it seems to get easier and easier to just let momma deal with most decisions concerning the girls.... The only issue I still maintain control over, is the daughter's car situation, but I worry that too may go titts up on me at some point .

[Brorag]

snap out of it!
--if mom's happy, everybody is happy. if mom's not happy, nobody's happy
--that's the reason guys look the way we do when we're old
--buck up and be miserable with the rest of us
--the good this is we get to die first..................

[dhoward]

Originally Posted by LubeMaster77

Snipped....Here is the suggestion I give our Son at least once a week - maybe someday it will sink in.

"Don't say a word when Mom starts going off on you."

Snipped.

10-4.
I am constantly telling the boy "If you would just keep yer yap shut, it would be over soon. But nooooo......you gotta keep tryin' to defend yourself!"

Admit you're an ungrateful little turd so we can all get on with our lives!

[Rikao4]

best to have a Lawyer present when dealing with the mother, or the evil ones..
[[
Rika