Co-worker with "gender identity" issues - how do I handle this?
 

I work in a relatively small architectural office (approx. 10 people) and have a co-worker who has been battling with "gender identity" issues for some time. She is biologically female but for whatever reason, sees herself as a guy. As such, she's been looking into "transgender" options for some time. She claims she's been grappling with this her entire life and it's not just a rash decision.

Well, in the last couple of weeks she's decided it's time to take the first steps towards abandoning her female persona. She cut her hair very guy-looking now, wears male clothing and is now legally pursuing her name to a name that is clearly male (she has a name currently that is quite clearly female - no option to have one of them "either-or" names).

How do I deal with this in a professional setting? I have to have her potentially deal with clients, consultants, etc. but they all know her by her female name and obviously some of them might be quite shocked by this transformation. Especially if she pursues the surgery options to physically complete the transformation, which she's planning on doing (yes, she knows it'll be long, painful and require hormone injections for life and all that - I'm not getting involved with her decision - I'm making the assumption that she knows what she's getting into).

Anyway, have any of you had to deal with something like this in a workplace setting? How in the heck do I deal with it? Personally I think the whole thing is nuts and indicative of some serious underlying psychological problem, but it's not my place to be judgemental (not to mention the potential liability issues). As such, I need to know the "correct" professional way to deal with this.

Any advice?

wow...i wouldnt do a thing. i think you open up more liability issues even worrying about it. if she is cool with it, wtf? roll with it.

The choice is her's to make and his alone. Maybe start calling her by just his last name from now on to ease transistion. Better yet, ask her how he would like to handle the situation.

Is it a company, or a circus act? Of course, it is a company.

I would fire her. You certainly don't need that kind of grief, and neither do your other employees. If i was an employee there, and she didn't go, odds are, i would.

Shrug.

I'm glad I don't live in California anymore.

Encourage her to go work for the City of San Francisco, since they now cover those medical treatments on insurance.

Post-it note on the forehead with whatever name it is using for that day! Just fooling.

Are you kidding me, let the individual deal with it.

Maybe you could try to persuade her that it's ok to be a girl?
Take one for the team?
The ol' college try?
Give her your own version of home injection?


Sorry...

There's a great quote from "Chasing Amy", that would be very inappropriate about now.

Can't fire (this isn't my company so it's ultimately not my decision to make - all I could do is recommend it).

Even if it were my call, she's a good worker and doing such a thing would REALLY open you up to potential lawsuits. Technically CA is an "at will" state so I suppose you could terminate someone without cause, but it wouldn't take a particularly savvy or good attorney to put two and two together and make a legal case about it anyway.

Although I don't "get it" and think the whole thing is ridiculous, I want to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she knows what's best for her. Again - it's not my place or intention to be judgmental in the workplace (even though I think she's flaky as a creme puff) but I obviously have to reconcile this with other contact individuals in the course of day-to-day business.

Very strange situation. I try to keep everything at work, work (professional), but this one has me thrown for a loop. It's so bizarre and not something I understand or can relate to. Don't want to say/do the wrong thing, but obviously it has an impact on our business. . .

This weekend I saw the movie Trans America. Not something I usually would see but we were at the cabin and the other couple we were there with rtented it. It is very moving in way and instructive to your situation. First, imagine how difficult life must be for a person living in such pain that they decide to change their gender. That's some serious pain.

Have some compassion for someone in that much distress. Call him/her whatever he/she asks you to and treat him/her whatever gender he/she wants to be. I've had to do it with clients, and it's pretty freaky at first, but after you've done it, it seems old hat. It's like dealing with someone who's blind: the kindest thing you can do to them is treat them like you don't notice anything different about them. After you've done it for one day you won't even notice anymore. If she's a good worker, who cares what she looks like.

I would first find out if gender dysphoria is a disability for which reasonable accommodation is required under California State law. It isn't in Washington, but CA has traditionally been more progressive.

Jeff, sometimes you can't help but be judgemental. It is our nature to pre-judge somethings. This is downright weird and I agree she has some problems. What can you do? I would not go on record in any way about this, since you'll be part of the lawsuit, when it happens.

I'll repeat my first statement: I am glad I no longer live in California (or New York, for that matter).

Be supportive but don't get too involved.

FWIW, I'm pretty sure CA protects discrimination based on sexual orientation and sexual identity. Again, if she's a good worker, why do you care?

I work with a few people like you describe, both types (effeminate guys and masculine gals), don't know if any are having the "plumbing reworked". It's just business as usual and you roll with it.

I'm sure it's something she/he has spent considerable time contemplating, I don't think anyone would want to subject themselves to ridicule and being treated as a freak if they weren't convinced of their beliefs. Call her whatever she wants to be called and treat her/him like you would any "new" employee.

Aren't you just an employee? Don't do anything to "handle" it, it's not your business, just do your job.

Sometimes it's good to not be the owner of the company. This is one of them.

Just start calling her/him "Pat" and be done with it;)

Pics please.

Also- did you hit it before?

ask her if you can be her pre and post-op support coach.

Please don't! Jeff, I just have one thing to say: Texas :)

Yea, I think it's weird but want to let her do her own thing. She's obviously got issues and I don't want to make them worse by making the situation any weirder than it is.

I end up in a lot of de facto managerial situations by virtue of the fact that I'm one of the more experienced people in here. I just want to know how you'd handle her attending client/job meetings, should I correct people when they refer to her by her "old" name? Let her deal with it? It's just weird and I don't want to do anything that would (1) get me or the firm in trouble or (2) make her situation any more difficult than it obviously is (I'm sure it's not easy to "go public" with a change like that).

This one time, I'm glad I'm not the guy with his name on the door. My boss has to be even more confused than I am. . . At least I can kind of distance myself from it to an extent. He can't.

Yeah, tell it what Davy Crockett said when he left Tennesee!

you can freak out your buddies pretty good :

"see that guy over there? Would you believe that I once.........."

I wonder if your clients will be a shocked as you think. If they liked her work before, they probably will like it still. After all, you, she, and they are all in California where gender mobility is not exactly unknown. And the architectural profession is pretty well populated with gay people, so transgendering isn't a stretch.

You should do absolutely nothing about "this". Be non-judgmental, be professional and friendly as usual, and remember that this is not your problem, if indeed it turns out to be a problem at all. Let her correct any mis-naming, etc.

Note that workplace discrimination or harassment based on gender or sexual preference is illegal in California. I would think that changing gender is encompassed in that protection. Restricting her opportunity to interact with clients or work on projects based on her gender change is probably illegal.

Anyway, why do you care? This seems like something that is a personal matter for her. It doesn't show that she has psychological issues, any more than being gay means that someone has such issues. Let her deal with it.

Hypothetically, suppose your office has a client who is so offended by this that he stops doing business with you. So be it. At one time, there were probably white people who refused to patronize establishments that employed black people (maybe there still are). That didn't make those businesses free to discriminate against their black employees.

"gender mobility," lol.

as I read your post I looked over to your sig and noticed 'Cali' and thought, 'yeah, that sounds like Cali'.

I don't there is anything to discuss, who someone wants to sleep with, what gender or plant they think that are or want to be from, none of it has anything to do with work... don't go there.

How many guys can you go drink beer with that can actually tell you what chicks are looking for?

It's the guy that start changing in to a women that I would give some distance to.

Female to Male no big deal. May have some good automotive repair tips for you.

Here's a gal I worked with on a film about 10 years ago (Art Dept., not music related). Hard worker, no BS, and just a normal person. I'd take her over a slacker, deadbeat (believe me, I've worked with them) any day. http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1209434138.jpg

My girlfriend and I rent out a small bungalow that we rehabbed about 4 years ago...our tenants are a lesbian couple and one of them is in the middle of becoming male. I like to think of myself as fairly open minded...but it's pretty f#cked up. She asked that we call her Jimmy from now on.

I knew something was amiss about a year ago when she started looking like Wes Welker.

Just pay the rent on time, that's all we ask.

I think you should leave it alone and do the best you can to be cool. However, if it affects her/his performance at work, you have every right to confront her/him about it, and say why. She/he surely knows that not everyone will be able to handle it.

If your name isn't on the door I would just let it go. Defacto manager does not an official manager make.

head down.

Jeff,

Seriously, you are bothered by this. Is this affecting your work?

I worked alongside a lady like this MANY years ago before the L word was so cool.

She shaved, wore a man haircut, dressed like a man and carried on like a man. The cool part, and I am unsure you have the same deal here, was she/he had a great sense of humor about his/her gender issue.

If I had to see her put her index finger and thumb 1 inch apart and say this is whats wrong with all the men that work here, they think this is 6 inches! I would have cried it was its favorite joke.

I bantered back and forth with her/him/it all the time never once was it insulted.


We never had a complaint from one client it was REALLY good at what it did and clients like its efficiency.

If your coworker is a good worker where is the problem?


Its not my cup of tea but who am I to judge or worry if someone is going to be ruffled by it. That is their problem.

I guess I don't understand why some one is allowed to bring this heavy of a personal issue into the workplace. It is very clearly disruptive, putting all of their coworkers on pins an needles. It just has to affect productivity. Let's get real; I don't care how "progressive" you think you are, unless you are immersed in or comfortable with the transvestite culture before this happens in your office, it will make you more than just a bit uncomfortable. It will affect your ability to work affectively with this person. And it's not because you are "uptight" or because you should be more "accepting"; it's because it's just plain ******* weird. This person needs help, and sure as hell not in the form of a sex change.

Thanks for all the tips guys. I'm going to just keep doing what I'm doing - just refer to her by whatever name she wants. I also notice in re-reading myself here that I keep referring to her as "her". I suppose at some point I'll have to ask if she prefers that or if she really wants me to refer to her as "him". It doesn't really matter to me either way, but I'm not going to go out of my way to select her for "high visibility" client-interaction type projects.

Our organization is pretty flat being a small office. There are 10 people. My boss (the owner/founder) and everyone else. No formal structure other than that. As such I need to not get overly concerned about it I think, but as a senior guy there, I do need to look out for the best interest of the firm and its reputation.

I hate to say this, but the bottom line is I don't see any way to avoid having this impact her career development. This is something our office (and I personally) take very seriously - I want to mentor these guys and help them where I can and see them develop professionally. I don't WANT to hold her back but unfortunately she's boxing herself into a corner. There are some situations I simply can't put her in now because it would be "too weird". We need to represent ourselves as a professional organization that is completely and totally focused on our clients' needs - when clients become aware of this kind of thing, it's easy to understand that they might perceive us as being kind of a "circus" or "drama club" or that there are too many personal issues in the office to allow us to give them total focus (which is what they pay us for). As such, I hate to say it, but I simply CAN'T put her in certain situations now. She's kind of relegating herself to always be a "behind-the-scenes" kind of draftsperson type, not a leader/director with a lot of exposure/interaction with clients. Maybe to new ones (ones that have never known her by anything than her "new" identity), dunno. These really ARE the kinds of decisions I get faced with a lot.

Like I said, I'm glad my name isn't the one on the door, but by virtue of my experience level/position/salary I really DO need to look out for the reputation/image of our firm. I see that as part of my professional duties and part of my job, and it's one of the things I'm being paid for. I get paid for that.

I'm mostly worried about her identifying a pattern "down the road" of being "held back" and questioning it. Obviously I won't go out of my way to hold her back in her career growth, but I'm certainly not going to compromise our office's reputation by putting her in situations where a client might walk away asking themselves, "what kind of f*cking outfit is this?" If/when clients ever start asking questions like that, or perceiving you as anything other than totally, 100% about service to them and their needs, you're sunk.

Bottom line is the work needs to come first and speak for itself. The superfluous stuff can't be allowed to get in the way. I think she's smart enough to know that, but the nature of this situation is that it DOES get in the way. It's not a simple case of someone going through a bitter divorce or personal problem or simply deciding they're gay and "coming out". Something like that is less visible in the workplace and easier to relegate to the realm of "personal life". It's inappropriate for people to parade their personal/love lives in front of the office regardless of homo/hetero/whatever, so a situation like that would be far easier to deal with and it's much clearer what's expected behavior. This is a bit different - it has very clear, overt and in-your-face consequences that can't just be ignored or downplayed because it just doesn't come up in the course of a professional work day. This does.

I also have to realistically look at this - in the next year or two, I WILL likely be the guy with his name on the door (I'm taking steps to go out into practice on my own). These are the kinds of issues I might potentially have to face someday and I need to ask myself "if I WERE the guy writing the checks, how would I handle this?" I need to think this way in order to get to that next step, that's why I'm curious about the opinions of folks here. Honestly, if it were my company, my gut instinct would be to immediately terminate the person, although obviously there are some serious legal ramifications to that and it would have to be done as part of a long, drawn-out, documented thing to build a case that it wasn't being done out of retribution - but IMHO I'd ABSOLUTELY have to cut such drama out of my office. I (personally) see this kind of thing as potentially very cancerous and dangerous to client service and as such, the way I've always been taught is "if you have doubts about someone, get rid of them". How to accomplish that in this sort of particular case without saying something that could implicate myself is another issue though. . .

Anyway, thanks for the input.

Agree and it seems like this is bothering you more than it is her. Let her alone and get back to work.

Jeff,

Whilst I don't know the exact details of this person and how she/he fits into the overall scheme of things, nor whether or not she/he is a real drama queen about this... your approach in the last post is possibly the worst possible one to have as an architect.

You (as an architect) are being paid to deliver a project for the Client. In order to do so you need a team who can do the work and who you can trust.

So ask yourself... does this person do the work correctly? and can you trust them to do so..?

If the answer is yes to either or both of these you have the potential to do your job. If the answer is no then regardless of your 'gut' feelings then they are going to need additional training/ support or their job needs to change or you need to get rid of them.

If you are trying to build a team, within your current office or as your own boss you need to be able to trust your team and they need to be able to trust you. That trust is earnt.. everyday. The moment it is lost or remains unearnt you are going to lose out and you will not be able to do your job and hence Clients are going to walk away. Clients need to trust you...and you need to trust your team. If as part of that operation you have to introduce the Client to a trusted member of the team then that this their position..a trsuted memeber of the team who cna do the job...

If this person is able to do the job in a correct, trustworthy and professional manner then they should be allowed to get on with it.. they need to face 'their clients' and explain what is going on...some may be surprised but they will by and large be more concerned about the service they are getting, if it dips then they will be concerned, but that applies to every one in the team regardless.

But and this is a big, very big get out of jail card... the treatment itself may give rise to a fall off in job performance. If this occurs then you can treat this in the usual manner...even if it means letting them go in the end.

You, as a senior person in the team need to have a conversation with the owner and founder and establish how 'you' as a company are going to deal with this issue. Then you need to have a conversation with this person to find out what is actualy going on.. timescales, treatments and how it will affect his/ her attendance and abilities....then refine the company's position to reflect that additional information. In such a small team trust is the most important element..fire her/ him and you will lose some of the others as well..if not in person then in spirit..and that will affect you ability to support your Clients far more than the original event.

Architects are know for being able to do very good professional work and yet be 'odd' at the same time.

The issue thus appears more to be your attitude to this person's choices...and you need to ask yourself the hard questions.. do you still trust this person to do the job correctly and professionnally in spite of the obvious underlying issues they have?

I'd say you do not and that is the basic conflict as you see it. As I said before, if you do have a defacto Senior role you will need to deal with this and be part of the company's approach, but you must be clear as to whether or not your views are personal judgements (what we are paid for) or actual 'company' positions...

(BTW I lead a team of a dozen freaks, weirdoes, odd bods, pregnant women, youngsters etc within our office and deal with the other 250 for career development... our Clients range from individuals for whom we are doing a new home to hard nose commercial developers whose only interest is that extra 0.1% profit..and by and large they will accept those who can do the job in a professional and trustworthy manner. Conversely if they cannot do the job or are untrsutworthy Clients can and have asked us to remove people from the team...just a different view..)

That is an interesting perspective. Thanks for that.

If our client base were perhaps a bit more "artsy" I'd completely agree with you, but our client base is overwhelmingly corporate/commercial. They don't hire us to do high design - they hire use to get them Permits and manage construction.

That said, we have done some higher-end design-intensive work in the past. For that kind of client who wants their design team to be as much artists as managers I'd completely agree with you.

Thanks for the insight. In thinking about this more perhaps it's not as big a deal as I thought originally - I just am leery of this becoming corrosive to client relations and/or saying or doing something wrong and ending up in a lawsuit over it.

Jeff, I do construction litigation for a living. Trust me, you clients won't care. They only care about getting their project done well, on timeand under budget. They don't care if it was a blue monkey or a woman with gender issues that got them there. In fact, next time someone questions you about him/her, look them in the eyes and say "I thought you wanted the best working on your project." They won't mention it again.