How To Drive In Los Angeles

[scottmandue]

***Just got this in the email, sorry if it is a re-post but it is pretty funny if you live here... or not!***


HOW TO DRIVE IN LOS ANGELES

1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name:

It is L. A.

2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00 p.m. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

3 The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On the 105 or 110, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered 'Wussy.'

4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. L. A. has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a 4-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second However, in Malibu , SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.

5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.

6 Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.

7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in all of L. A. and Orange counties. Detour barrels are moved around for your entertainment pleasure during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.

8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, barrels, cones, celebs, rubber-neckers, shredded tires, cell-phoners, deer and other road kill, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.

9. Map Quest does not work here -- none of the roads are where they say they are or go where they say they do and all the freeway off and on ramps are moved each night.

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been 'accidentally activated'

11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55- 65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be 'flipped off' accordingly. if you return the flip, you'll be shot.

12. Do not try to estimate travel time -- just leave Monday afternoon for Tuesday appointments, by noon Thursday for Friday and right after church on Sunday for anything on Monday morning.

[Rikao4]

13. A Car traveling the posted speed limit & using proper signals is sure to contain
'a wanted person'

14. The guy being chased by 20 police cars..will crash, then be arrested ,do TV interview and still beat you home.

[daepp]

My 16 y.o. daughter has had her license for about a month. She received no training in rush hour traffic - can you believe that.

For the first time yesterday I had her drive in heavy stop and go traffic eastbound on the 210 outside of el lay. It was very nerve racking for the both of us. I even had to explain the "don't put your blinker on too soon" lesson, as well as the fine art of getting across 4 lanes of traffic to get into and out of the diamond lane without getting rammed or missing your exit.

Oh, and don't forget, you have to look over your shoulder and forward at the same time.

[teenerted1]

15. if any posibility of rain occurs, stay home and watch the news. there will be 24/7 coverage of "STORM WATCH 200_"!!!!!!!!!!....it's not like you were going to be able to get to work anyway

[Porsche-O-Phile]

16. Get a job within 3 miles of home. Do all your shopping/errands within 3 miles of home. When it comes to driving in this region, "JUST SAY 'NO'!"

[BeyGon]

I noticed that my LA driving skills made me fit right in while driving through Mexico and Central America, except the horn part, you will use your horn every possible chance.

[Joeaksa]

Originally Posted by BeyGon

I noticed that my LA driving skills made me fit right in while driving through Mexico and Central America, except the horn part, you will use your horn every possible chance.

Ditto. It was good training for Rome, Cairo and Mexico City for me as well.

[campbellcj]

this is way off-base...evening rush hour now extends to 9:30 or so

[sammyg2]

Originally Posted by campbellcj

this is way off-base...evening rush hour now extends to 9:30 or so

Except on May 1st, No real rush hour on that day

[Noah930]

Chr!st, scott. Driving in LA is a walk in the park compared to the behavior that goes on in Boston.

[Dan in Pasadena]

Another couple not-so-tongue-in-cheek rules:

Rule #1 NEVER signal a lane change; particularly in rush hour traffic. All it does is reveal your plan to the cars in the lane you are attempting to enter whereupon they will speed up or slow down to thwart your attempt.

Rule #2 NEVER respect the solid double lines segregating car pool lanes from regular lanes unless police are present. Why? They don't deserve it! Caltrans doesn't even put exits to the HOV lane corresponding to the major exits most motorists need to take and if they do? They put the exit so close to the exit that in typical L.A. traffic you have essentially ZERO chance to get over to the right lane to exit without being hit. Why? Refer to rule #1 above!

[Moses]

Originally Posted by Noah930

Chr!st, scott. Driving in LA is a walk in the park compared to the behavior that goes on in Boston.

I lived in New York for 5 years and most of my life in California. NOTHING touched the insanity they call "driving" in Boston. Nothing.

[cgarr]

Is it really that BAD?? I consider it a traffic jam if we have to slow to 50 here!

[livi]

You guys should try the traffic in Sanaa City, Yemen.

[Porsche-O-Phile]

Hell, I learned to drive in Boston (grew up there - assuming of course you consider me "grown up". . .)

Yes, Boston is insane. However I will share the following observations:

1. Boston drivers, while completely crazy, do adhere to an unwritten code. If you're there long enough, you'll figure it out enough to survive (maybe) and learn what is expected.

2. Florida had the absolute WORST drivers I've ever seen. Not because of the aggressiveness (like Boston), but because it's so unpredictable. When you get 300-year-old bluehairs, immigrants who probably never drove anything other than a horse, camel or tractor in their home countries, inattentive cell phone yapper types, white trash/redneck types who "live a quarter mile at a time" and think it's their god-given right to swerve, cut people off, etc. because in their own mind they're NASCAR drivers, the overly-timid tourists who are clueless, the deadbeat drunk loser/fly-by-nighter types, etc. it makes for the scariest experience on the roadway I've ever seen. I swear you take your life in your hands every time you go to the grocery store down there. In the four years I lived in Florida, I was involved in three accidents, one of them resulting in my pride-and-joy at the time (a beautifully maintained Mustang GT 5.0L) being totalled. I consider myself lucky to have only been involved in three such accidents when I lived down there. I look back and wonder seriously how I wasn't hit at least twice that number of times. By comparison I've only ever had one accident in the other 17 non-Florida years of my driving career, plus the incident where my 951 caught fire, which could have happened anywhere. Draw your own conclusions. FL is NOT a good place to drive.

3. The biggest problem in CA isn't that the drivers are particularly aggressive, or rude. It's that they are absolutely stupid. And there are way, way, WAY too many of them. I think most people automatically lose about 80 I.Q. points the minute they get in their cars. And of course the fact that the roads are so congested and overcrowded doesn't help. We need a good plague or earthquake to kill off about 60% of the population. Maybe 70%. Then the "road load" would be about where it should be and you might be able to drive 10 miles in under two hours. For the time being, I just avoid any trip that puts me more than about 3-5 miles from home. Ever. And I don't go to L.A. Ever. If I have ANY say whatsoever in it. I hate driving there THAT much. If the entire city were swallowed by a black hole tomorrow, I really wouldn't miss it.

[m21sniper]

So why do all you dumbasses live in LA then?

Is it the low taxes?

[Zeke]

Originally Posted by m21sniper

So why do all you dumbasses live in LA then?

Is it the low taxes?

You're such a sweetheart, you know that?

I left, moved to first a town with under 25k population, then one with just over that. They won't let one in their little society where everyone knows everyone else.

There's one of the reasons: anonymity.

I supervised detailed finish carpentry on restorations and custom homes. I made 1/3 what I make here, but health ins and a qt. of milk were the same price as here. Sure, the rent was lower, but that didn't make up the extreme difference. I know now why so many people have bad teeth in many other "cheaper, less crowded" states. And drive rattle trap cars.

Consider that reason 2.

Energy. Yes, New York City is famous for it and I guess it can be addicting. LA is not far behind. It doesn't take long to meet up with someone that has a brain and some useful information stored in it. I thought mine was going to shrivel up and die in those small towns.

That could be reason 3 and I'll stop there.

However, that isn't to say SoCal couldn't use an extreme makeover. We just keep electing movie stars as governators and nothing gets done. LB has a former CEO of a major power company as the new mayor. There may be help on the way.

[Dan in Pasadena]

To a degree, I agree with Jeff's assessment that epople lose IQ points just by driving here. My observation is that they all turn into Lemmings. HUge slow downs and backups because the road curves. Nothing wrong, no accidetn, it just curves and you can't see ahead for a full mile and people slow so the next lane slows, and pretty soon youve got THOUSANDS of cars slowing for NO reason! Idiocy. The other thing I notice is everyone seems ot think their particular destination is so muc hmore impoartant than eveyone else's.

I work for Metro's construction Division. I can tell you for certain that we had a 30 year plan supposedly already agreed to by the Fed's for their portion when I hired in 17 years ago. Oh the Fed's DID buy into it and make assurances of their funding support...then they didn't come through. The Metro Red line would already be through the Wilshire Corridor to nearly Santa Monica and what is now the Orange Line dedicated busway would be light rail. The Metro Green line would connect to LAX already and the Gold line would be to Claremont. Instead all those are currently on the drawing board.

After my current project I will be on the widening of the 405 through the Cahuenga Pass. That is costing more than the Gold Line Eastside Extension that includes 2 miles of tunnels and 6 miles of surface light rail. The 405 widening is 10 miles but thats a friggin ROAD bed. NO systems works, no communicaions or traction power. It ought to be relatively cheap but that some high priced real estate up there. And when its done it will be beyond capacity the day it opens.

[Zeke]

Dan, that's weird because you can see better on a slight curve or coming down a very slight hill.

Man, it's big time trouble when the sun is right at the horizon. People hit their brakes instead of just driving steadily and gradually slowing.

[stevepaa]

I only drive down there to see my daughter in Orange once in a while. It is nuts how people slow for no good reason.

And then you get the guys who exit and come on back at the return. Duh. They are the ones causing the backup in the right lane.