Someone do Ian a favour and forward the link to this thread to his son.

What a trainwreck. That wedding picture says it all. Marry a woman who thinks in pictograms and live happily ever after. Yeah, right.

If you are not going to up and give them the boot, charge rent, set aside the money and use it to help them make down payment on starter home.

Your son is in for a rough ride. Does he understand "whipped"? Because she's going to leave a mark...[/QUOTE]


My thoughts exactly.....adding run quickly young man.
LMAO

Might have already left the marks...

A very hard spot to be in. I won't offer any advice, but... just letting ya know, I feel your pain. I went through the same type of deal here. Hang in there! Tony.

Have times changed in the past 20 years?

I love my parents to death, we have a great relationship, I still see them all the time, but I never would have insulted them by moving back into my bedroom after graduating college.

And not only him, but his WIFE?!? How does he do that and not feel like a total douche?

In China it's very common for the children to stay at home after marrying isn't it? If so, to her, it would seem perfectly normal.

Is that true? I know in many asian cultures it is common for the parents to move in with one of their kid's families, esp. when the parents get older. While I've not been to China, I know a lot of Asian families, and I've never seen a kid get married and still live at home.

Maybe it's a Canadian thing. Here in AMERICA no self-respecting man would be able to go out and tell people that he and his wife are living in his bedroom at mommy and daddy's house. A real man would go homeless before doing that.

Don't they have any self-respect and desire to be on their own?

Cripes, my wife and I got married >10 years ago while I was on summer break in grad school and have been on our own since. I wouldn't even think of moving back under her parents' (or mine's) roof. Ever. Unless the world got nuked and we had literally nowhere else to go. I'd find it demoralizing and frankly I'd be embarrassed.

I can understand a temporary arrangement (maybe) in tough times, but that's not what's going on here. The whole thing about marriage is it's supposed to be about being all for one another - and that includes getting out on your own and not living out of mommy & daddy's basement.

Sorry, but I doubt I could look at myself in the morning if I took advantage of my family like that.

Meat head and Gloria did it in All in the Family. But yeah, he was a skeevy hippy punk.

LOL.

I really am not sure what Chinese culture is. I gotta be honest.

Oh, it’s not a Canadian thing but it is it is very common in Chinese culture. My wife & I both left home as early as possible. I was married & owned a house by the time I was 20. My wife was out before she was 18. I agree with all that it is inconceivable to us that they would WANT to live here. We thought that it would be for 3 months or so until she got a job. But other than some cash jobs (the Canadian Chinese way) & a 3 month Price Waterhouse contract, nothing has been forthcoming. She is also studying to pass some analyst designation that ensures a golden career (yeah right). He went from barely scraping through high school to barely being accepted into a local college. We refused to consider sending him away to college because we knew that he would only party & never graduate. 12 – 19 was a very rough ride in this house & our mantra was – keep him at home, in school & get him a modest education. He was capable of more but not willing. Not a bad kid but extremely willful & very intelligent but totally, absolutely ‘head in the clouds’ – just like much of the rest of his ‘entitlement’ generation. A couple of his best friends graduated from college or university & then went back for more because they couldn’t face the prospect of working. And their parents subsidize it. We told him to forget it.

Realistically, his salary wouldn’t cover rent unless it’s the basement apartment variety because Toronto ain’t cheap. He has a nice nest egg for DP from some small inheritances & we’re happy that he is isn’t pissing that away & still saving more. Did I mention that he also drives my car (the BMW) as his daily? We offered more cash as a no-interest loan as a kick start, but that has come off the table for the time being.

Her father (mid-high level Chinese gov’t) bought her a condo in Beijing ($250K) as an enticement to get them to stay/move there & it’s rent covers the carrying costs but no more. She has to spend 3 years of the next 5 in Canada to qualify as a landed immigrant but we know that she really wants to move to Hong Kong or Shanghai. After all, EVERYTHING is cheaper & better there. This threat was dangled by her at least once that we know of. In China, she could get a $40K job (junior financial analyst at Morgan Stanley, Price Waterhouse etc) that would easily mean a 60 hour week, which is her generation’s expectation in the land of the booming masses. His prospects in China (since he doesn’t speak Mandarin) would not be great although her father & her uncle said that they could pull strings & get him something, which would put them under the father’s thumb - a scary long term prospect imho. I could tell you the story about 2 AM the eve of the wedding in Handan & threatening to call out the Chinese army . . . her mother saved the day.

One note about Canadian immigration: as her sponsor, he is financial responsible for her for 3 years. Absolutely with no questions asked in our government’s eyes. Many Chinese women marry Canadian money just to get here. She has a girlfriend that is going down this path. We don’t think that this is her plan but . . .

At this point, we’re thinking of an August 1 start for rent to light the fire. That will be her 1 year anniversary of being a room monkey . . .

Thanks for the suggestions & sympathy guys. There is no easy solution. We just want them to be happy & healthy & living on their own like my 2 kids & all of their cousins . . .

Ian

Dottore: I like you idea about fwding this thread . . .

Good Luck.

Ian,
Yellow fever can be very hard. I know because my wife is Korean and I am sure that at times I have acted stupidly, but fortunately I was well into my thirties when we married and had been out of my folks house for many years. We did not exactly keep our wedding a secret from the family but about a week afterwards her uncle (her father died a few years ago) found out he hopped in his plane and flew over for a surprise visit.
There was a knock on the door late at night and when I answered it there was a very well dressed older Korean man on the porch with four very large (and oviously well armed) young Korean men standing around him. I stepped aside getting ready for I don't know what would happen when my wife walked up and saw the man standing there. She dropped straight down with her hands over her head and I started reacting. It was not very pretty and damn near got very ugly.
But all that said I would not trade her for anything, and the family has seen that i mean to protect their daughter and love her the best I can. Make sure your boy isn't being duped but kick that a$$ out on the street. whether they find the jobs they think they deserve or not, the way to happiness for them (and you) will not be found with them in the back room. All it takes is one stray sound in the middle of the night to have everyone walking around funny the next day. Yep, that yellow fever is a killer...

IMO a 23 year old living at home under the circumstances you describe needs to be shown the door asap, no ifs, ands, or buts, and let the chips fall where they may. He needs to become an "adult", and he'd be better off finding out "sooner" rather than "later" if this "pretend marriage" is going to work...and that's what it is from my perspective as long as they are not supporting themselves and living in a fantasy world. I realize you're probably "caught in the middle"...good luck!

That aptly describes my situation. His mother (my wife) lives in fear that he will slam the door forever if we force the issue. He slammed the door on his natural father at 15 & hasn't spoken to him since. We suspect it was over a small inheritance that ***** for brains (his natural father) blew during a bankruptcy. At 15, $10K was his freedom & ***** for brains had not protected it & he has been all welfare ever since so payback was never an option.

And don't get me wrong, the couple do seem to be in love, but you are right, they are living in a fantasy world that is our's, not there's. I just try to keep the peace & keep my wife sane, which has not been easy task.

Ian

23...going on 22,
Mom's worried 'precious' might cry, and not send Mother's day cards.
Daycare operation is what you have.

Rika

I think they should move to China. Seriously. He'll learn Mandarin quickly, and it is a true land of opportunity, at least for the next decade or two. I would predict two possible outcomes:

1. He'll suck it up, engage living there and thrive.
2. He'll hate it, crumble, and bail on her, China, and the marriage.

Either way he'll "grow up." But at 23 with the opportunity to move to Shanghai and the wife's family willing to pull some strings. Why not? It isn't like he's leaving a "dream career" over here. Might be just the thing for him.

Cute couple...

Simple solution: Declare that you and wifey have decided to become nudists in the privacy of your home. Come home every night and buck off immediately. They'll move in short order.:D

Living in fear of your children is no way to live. When he does grow up, he will realize that the "tough love" was for the best and establish an adult relationship with you and your wife. It may take a few years. Both of you need to tough it out.

BTW...I don't recall seeing it addressed, but how does your wife feel? That may be the controlling factor because if she wants him there, you'll lose this battle.