What Do You Say To A Dying Man?

Dan in Pasadena · Dan in Pasadena's Garage

All the threads about Ted Kennedy and subsequent closure of at least one of them got me thinking of posting a thread on the same subject that hits close to home. I debated doing it, but here goes:

My Uncle has a brain tumor and has opted not to have surgery. He just turned 80 and he opted for radiation for awhile but now has stopped that. The prognosis is death.

He is my 83 year old mother's next youngest sibling. He once worked along side my dad as a laborer. My dad was a brick mason in the days when there were still "brick" masons. My uncle and he worked side by side for many years and then on weekends on side jobs. Without question, he was the strongest man I've ever personally met. Akin to the prisoner Michael Clark Duncan played in "The Green Mile", but shorter. Now he is honestly, a shell of that man.

He doesn't really WANT visitors at all except close family members, a group which I fall into. I don't want to be one of those people that tell him, "..you're gonna be fine..." He knows he will not. I dont want to break into tears either. What have you guys that have dealt with this done or said?

m21sniper · 05-20-2008, 03:17 PM

A beloved uncle is much different than the 'other guy' who is dying.

If i was in your shoes, what i would try and talk about, is memories. Days you spent together. Laughs you had. Don't discuss the future, but rather, focus on the past.

9dreizig · 05-20-2008, 03:20 PM

I don't want to hijack this thread , but I've got a friend ( not a great one but a former co-worker and a really nice guy) who is dying of pancreatic cancer.. I am going to try to see him next week.. I have no idea what I'll say to him. The guy is only 41...
So I guess the question really is, what do you say to anyone who's time is near ?

Superman · 05-20-2008, 03:22 PM

Tell him you've never met anyone in your life as strong as him. Ask him to tell stories. What's the stupidest thing he ever saw your dad do? What's the closest he ever came to death, before today? Who is the best bricklayer he ever saw? How many bricks is the most that two layers can place in a day? (I happen to know that two good Plasterers can use up a pile of sand (ingredient in plaster) in one day that measures in double-digit tons, and then play basketball that afternoon). You might get some good stories, and he'd be happy telling them.

Ask him if he's scared. Ask him if he knows you love him. Don't tell him stuff. Ask.

scottmandue · 05-20-2008, 03:28 PM

Great post Super...

I have nothing to add to that.

My Dad is out of the hospital and doing well but it was pretty scary (83 and in for esophagus cancer) visiting him was tough.

Hang in there Dan.

Dan in Pasadena · Dan in Pasadena's Garage

Thanks guys, especially Sniper even though I have taken a few shots at your comments today. I am unhappy with the sentiments you expressed in some of the threads today but I suspect you are a lot softer, more feeling person than perhaps is reflected in those comments.

Supe, your suggestions are well taken. I'll make sure he hears that he is loved and remembered.

There's no hijacking of this thread. I'm certainly not the only guy that knows people or has family going through tough times. The Kennedy thing jut got me thinking about his family and then my family. We are all sort of waiting for the shoe to drop. Crass way of putting it, but its kinda true. I think I am reminded today to live each to the fullest. We all have a date on our score card somewhere.

peppy · 05-20-2008, 03:41 PM

Odd how this comes up today. I buried one of my best friends yesterday. He had lung cancer. I had talked to him one time the week before last, and he sounded in good spirits. We lost him in less than three weeks after he was diagnosed.

Do not put off seeing friends and loved ones.

Tobra · Tobra's Garage

Very insightful Superman.

The man certainly has something to say, and doubtless of more gravity than what is yapped about here. He is being confronted with the end of his journey.

If he is in the hospital, bring him something he can't get there, menudo, home made tamales, pie or whatever, hospital food (and everything else about them)pretty much sucks, trust me. Get his ass out of there quick as you can. Every single person I have known facing their mortality seems to enjoy hanging with little kids, don't know why.

KFC911 · 05-20-2008, 04:15 PM

I'll be thinking of you Dan, and you too Peppy (and everyone facing this). I don't have anything to add after these excellent suggestions (I have no personal experience in this arena), but I think just your being there will mean a great deal. My ex g/f works in hospice, and honestly, I don't know how folks deal with situations like this...it simply tears me apart to think about it, but I learned enough from her to realize that dying is just as natural as living. Be well guys...

lm6y · 05-20-2008, 04:51 PM

There's a lot of wisdom in this thread. The only thing I can add is, don't let the 800 lb gorilla in the room.

Confront it head on, he might not be afraid, or he might be terrified. Ask him which it is. Let him get all of it off his chest. Hopefully that will let him go in peace.

Jims5543 · 05-20-2008, 04:57 PM

I just went through this. My wifes grandfather passed away, I have known the man 20 years and I have grown very close to him. I was probably closer to him than any of my grandfathers.

We knew for a year he was going to die, he refused to have a heart valve operation he needed in order to live. At the same time his general health was slipping day to day quality of life was going downhill fast.

We almost lost him twice prior, 2 episodes of congestive heart failure, stints in the hospital once on life support and in a coma for 3 days.

We made a point of seeing him as much as possible, many weekend trips 50 miles away to his house, many many times we sat in the living room or the kitchen table as he told stories about growing up in Brooklyn, New York, about the war, about his life, what he saw what he did the people he met.

I remember fondly one Saturday, I loaded up the Weber Grill in the FJ and we shot up there for a impromptu grilling session, we stopped at the Italian market and bought a bunch of sausage, peppers, Italian bread, salad and wine. It made his day and it was reported to us he talked about that for weeks. It made us happy to know we could make him so happy.

Many times he turned to me when we were alone and confided in me that he just wanted to die, every minute of every day he was in pain, he was beginning to deteriorate to the point where he could not take care of himself and for a proud old school Italian man this was hell on earth.

2 weeks before he passed away we shot up on a Sunday to see him, he had just had a bad fight with his wife and sent her to their daughter house, he was sitting in the living room, in his chair, alone, in the dark, in the middle of the day, no TV, no radio. Just sitting there waiting to die. I wondered inside if that was to be the night.

He made it through mothers day, his son grilled for him that day too knowing how much he enjoyed it. His son was at his side when he passed at 4:00 Monday morning and administered the morphine to help him fade away easy.

I got a text message while on vacation in the Bahamas at 5 in the morning and my immediate though was, he finally rests in peace, he got what he needed. I was/am sad and will miss the guy but I am glad I got to spend a lot of time with him learning so much from him. He was as sharp as a tack right up to his last day.

Spend as much time with your uncle, do not ignore the elephant in the room, you both know its there, just enjoy your last days with him as much as possible and talk to him often. Keep him company when he wants it and accept whats coming. I do not know what kind of shape he is in but if he is anything like my wifes grandfather resting in peace may be a welcome thing.

rfuerst911sc · 05-20-2008, 05:16 PM

We don't prepare very well for these tough times, as a general rule we don't want to deal with death. So when we are in these situations we struggle with what to do. I've lost both my parents and it was rough both times. Just being with them,holding their hands and letting them know we loved them helped all involved. Every situation is different. If you have a local hospice they can be a great asset during these tough times. I would suggest you don't hold back on where your emotions take you, please don't be in a position where you ask yourself " why didn't i ?" if that makes sense. Stay strong and good luck.

mikester · 05-20-2008, 05:19 PM

I don't understand why you can't say he is going to be fine? If you have faith (any faith) and with your feelings toward him are as you say they are - it is sometihng I think you should be able to say comfortably - but that is just me.

Recently we had a family friend die of Pancreatic cancer as well, he was the load master in my Dad's flight crew for many years. Responsible for saving many lives including my Dad's - I have no problem with saying that I am sure he is fine now. It was sad to be sure and I don't think your tears are something to be ashamed of.

Dottore · 05-20-2008, 05:45 PM

All good advice.

I agree with the business of asking questions. I also agree with the business of asking how the person feels about death. I think many people are too polite to raise this question, and in my experience it is the one issue people really want to - and need to - talk about when they are dying. They need to unburden themselves about this.

I had this conversation once with my cousin and once with my best friend. They're the hardest conversations I ever had - particularly since I'm not a religious man and do not have a lot of solace to offer. But I think in each case the very fact that the subject was addressed squarely and not politely ignored meant the world to these people.

p911dad · p911dad's Garage

Dan, there is some great advice here, and from people who have been close to the deaths of people they love. Everyone has to die, that is part of life, and everyone knows it, at least after you get past 18. I think most folks past the middle have at least thought about their eventual demise. When it is time and the person is aware of his or her time of passing, they have a lot of time to reflect on the past, and will spend a lot of time alone thinking about it, unless the pain or drugs mask that process. It is good to be with that person if you can and I know how stressful that is to do, I have done it several times. Think of the good times, the great things that person has done, their contributions to the family, how important they are. How loved he is and how much he will be remembered! He knows the end is near in this case. As an uncle, just think of all he must have done for you! My uncles were pretty cool. Guys from a different age. Guys that were soldiers, pilots and boxers and family men too As a child you were probably in their focus for many years. Love 'em and respect 'em.
If you or the family has any photos, bring those, that can spur conversation and some needed laughs or memories. It doesn't have to be sad, in fact that is a drag on the time. He sounds like a man that has done things and been places, ask him for stories about his best times, and then remember them to pass them on. Good luck to you and your uncle. Glenn

Rot 911 · 05-20-2008, 06:32 PM

It all comes down to talking to him. Just talk.

Too bad the 356 guy didn't stick around to read this thread. He would have a whole different opinion of the OT gang.

DavidI · 05-20-2008, 06:33 PM

My grandfather died about 10 years ago at the age of 93. I asked him to write an autobiography. He wrote about 10 pages detailing his successes and failures. He was a double Phd who immigrated into this country from Mexico. Every year on his birthday, I pull out the pages (which I had laminated and bound) and read them. He was a great man.

What I told him that meant the most to him was simple....I love you.

David

Tyson Schmidt · 05-20-2008, 06:36 PM

Well this is a timely thread.

My dad (stepdad technically, but he raised me since I was 5.) has lung cancer. He won the first round, then got a brain tumor. They removed that successfully, but the lung cancer is back.

So I'm going back to Seattle next week to spend time with him before it's too late. I hope to take him salmon fishing, which is something we used to do as a family all the time when I was a kid.

I'll definitely take Superman's advice, and ask a lot of questions.

rouxroux · 05-20-2008, 06:37 PM

I had a Great-Uncle who was a WW I vet and lived into his 90's (still marched in Veteran's day parades in uniform up in his 80's). I sat down and had great long talks with him which I taped. He was such an inspiration.

JeremyD · JeremyD's Garage

Tell him you love him, tell him how much he's meant to your life - ask him what he's most proud of - ask him what career moves he thought helped him the most - what he'd like to be remembered for - talk to him about his strongest memories - and make sure those live on with you - that's the best way to honor the man.