Why does personal change have to be so hard?

[rusnak]

you'll meet some good people in your spiritual travels. You know you found the genuine article if they don't try to persuade you to change your mind but accept you and your views as they are. I got a lot out of watching Joseph Campbell and The Power of Myth.

Harddrive, if someone did something in the past that was not ok, then you are justified in feeling angry about it. But it won't get anyone anywhere to carry anger around. At some point, when you have a SUPPORTIVE network (I can't stress this enough), get your feelings out in the open. Identify how this makes you feel "you did this to me and this is how it made me feel". Then and only after you have done this, and it will be painful, you must forgive. You can't forgive until you do the identification or it is only burying the pain. The key is to release the pain, and to forgive. Don't try to change that person. Accept him or her as he or she is, and let it go.

[johnco]

pain and anger can be good at times.. sometimes it's the only way I know I'm still alive

[HardDrive]

Originally Posted by rusnak

Harddrive, if someone did something in the past that was not ok, then you are justified in feeling angry about it. But it won't get anyone anywhere to carry anger around. At some point, when you have a SUPPORTIVE network (I can't stress this enough), get your feelings out in the open. Identify how this makes you feel "you did this to me and this is how it made me feel". Then and only after you have done this, and it will be painful, you must forgive. You can't forgive until you do the identification or it is only burying the pain. The key is to release the pain, and to forgive. Don't try to change that person. Accept him or her as he or she is, and let it go.

I think I'm a bit past what you talking about. I had to take ownership of these issue long ago. The only problem this person poses for me now is that they are still out there, operating in the same manner. I suppose I feel sad more than angry. A wasted life really (theirs, no mine). A brilliant person with personality disorders that made them into a near criminal.

No, I am trying to change just the day to day dynamics of how I treat others. My wife is aware of what I am trying to do and she is supportive, and trying to change herself. We can both be extremely agressive, and at times nasty people. We don't abide foolishness. We didn't get to where we are being nice.

But the birth of our child made us both step back. I used to shout at my daughter, then just feel horrible about it. To see how deeply it affected her....it was a mirror. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I don't want to be that person, and I don't want my daughter living growing up with that.

So I started to work on changing. And its working. But habituated behavior one has had their entire life is tough to change.

[nostatic]

yin and yang. Can't have one without the other. Everything is relative.

I'm tellin' ya...get some Pema and start reading...

[Pazuzu]

Originally Posted by rusnak

What I can tell you is this: Buddhists are taught to live in the moment, to make the best of each day AT THAT MOMENT, and not to sacrifice happiness for what may be or what could have been.

First off, PLEASE do not take this the wrong way, nor personally.

I consider myself to be, mostly, a Taoist. I'm not however, just as no one should be able to label themselves...but I digress.

I understand Buddhism as being a philosophy to deal with the inherent pain and suffering of Life, and Taoism as being a philosophy that if you are part of Life, there is no pain and suffering...there is an interesting parable concerning a Hindu, a Buddhist, and a Taoist, and their interaction over a vat of vinegar...

I found it interesting that what you said melds with my understanding completely, and I wonder about you impression of that. If you don't understand, I can explain...I hope (I'll be sober then, and it might not be so obvious, even to me )

Again...PURELY interested in the "let's talk about something interesting and esoteric" vein, NOT anything else

[alf]

HD, try the Art of Happiness by the Dalai Lama. Great read.

For those that believe that one could not change, i disagree.

You could change if you want to, look around what is constant? You change every moment physically, you loose cells make new ones, use energy eat food. I wonder if there is a study somewhere that figures out how long your current set of matter that makes your physical stays the same. I reckon it is not as long as many would believe.

Your personality is not much different. It all starts with thought. Thought -> Action -> Habbit -> Character -> Destiny.

If you think you could not change then your destiny is already set. Is it?

[rusnak]

children will mirror what they see. It may be hard to change old habits, but it will be even harder for your child to overcome the bad things that you teach her. There was another scene from a movie that I like "The Bruce Lee Story" In it, a young Bruce Lee was growing up in Hong Kong. His father says that a parent must confront his demons or he will pass them along to his children (meaning that the demon will live on in that child).

Paz, I doubt that I will become anything like a saint or buddha. I borrow pieces of too many religions and use what works for me. One thing I particularly disagree with is that you must completely agree with what someone is trying to teach you or you will be damned for eternity. There is good everywhere, and not everyone agrees on matters of faith, but that does not negate the good.

[svandamme]

Originally Posted by cab83_750

How do I manage pain? I attempt to control my environment (especially I choose the people I have around me). I do not hang around people that are:
1. 'angry at the world'
2. Never smile.
3. Cannot comprehend jokes.
4. backstabbers.
5. non-appreciative.
6. free-loader.
7. know-it-all
8. parasites

+1

i do exactly that, even wrote off my own mother in the process
and boy did that take a load off, and i've grown in many ways since

fact is , not all problems are fixable
not all situations can be compromised with
compromise should only ever be temporary or the compromising will eat you up inside...

There are enough folks in the world, so canning those who require permanent compromise only makes room for those who don't need it...

[Superman]

They say anything you do for 21 consecutive days is now a new habit.

[HardDrive]

Originally Posted by rusnak

There Is Good Everywhere, And Not Everyone Agrees On Matters Of Faith, But That Does Not Negate The Good.

+1

[rusnak]

Wow did I write that?

I'm re-opening this topic because I am buying the Pema Chodron book to send to an ex-girlfriend who is struggling big time with personal inner demons. She's in a bad place mentally and emotionally, and I have been giving her situation a lot of thought and attention and effort lately. I guess she turned to me because I'm the only person in her life who she has really trusted and respected.

I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe I'll come back later and say it was dumb, but I have concluded that she needs a cocktail of spiritual approaches to handle her problems and lack of faith in other people, and sense of self worth. I can't see getting back together with her because I am not going to get sucked down the whirlpool of negative emtions. All I know tells me to let negative emotions go, to have faith in the goodness of human nature, and to avoid negative or loser people like the plauge.

I sent her a book by Max Lucado, a Christian author and minister, titled, "Travelling Light", which has some very good advice about letting go of anxiety and problems.

Anyway, this is a bit OT from OT, but I couldn't think of a better place to post it.

Thanks for the recommendation, Nostatic!