When words fail...

dentist90 · dentist90's Garage

How does one respond to their 24 yr old son, who is dying from cancer, when he says "I don't want to die. I'm scared."

Fortunately it is not my son, but the child of my very good friend and assistant at work. He was diagnosed with an ocular tumour when he was 14. After much anxiety and ambivalence they decided to remove his affected eye. It was a sage decision as it turned out to be melanoma.

After 8 yrs of follow up the oncologists suggested he start "making plans for the rest of his life" as there was no hint of metastasis. At 10 yrs, this March, he noticed some tenderness in his abdomen that was eventually diagnosed as metastatic melanoma involving his liver. Conventional chemo has been ineffective and the cancer has now spread to his pelvis and spine. His father now has to help bathe his 24 yr old son and it is breaking his heart.

What can one say to a young man, engaged to be married this summer, who is facing his imminent, painful demise? What can one say to his parents, dear friends, who have to watch their terrified son struggle and die?

Macroni · Macroni's Garage

Do not know. You can only support and listen as they process their feelings. I am not religious so words are especially difficult for me here. It is sad to be taken so very young. My sister has cancer it has become part of all our family lives.

HardDrive · 07-04-2008, 06:36 PM

My wife watches little children die. She is anesthesiologist that specializes in pediatric pain. She gets the oncology kids. Ultimately, our clumsy human words don't express the mountains and oceans of emotion that people are going through at a time like this.

All one can say is the truth.

They can tell their son that they are proud of him. They can tell him that they are glad to have him in the world. They can tell him that death is natural. They can tell him that being afraid and angry is ok.

Its hard to give advice. People vary to much. Some are very matter of fact about death. Others don't speak of it, and fear it like an ever present demon in the room. They have to listen to their heart, and speak honestly, and say the things they need to say before he dies.

dentist90 · dentist90's Garage

I wish I had some type of religious faith as well. The prospect of going to a 'better' place might be comforting. The reality is that unfair situations like this have most of my friends of faith scratching their head. They still believe in God, but they have no explanation for why something like this should happen.

I realize that my question is rhetorical, that there is no way to ease the anguish these people are going through. Death is the one thing that we must all face alone. I can't imagine trying to rationalize this at 24 years of age. I don't want this to happen, but I am powerless over this injustice.

This family is blessed to have had their son for the time they have, but that just doesn't seem comforting right now.

Pazuzu · 07-04-2008, 07:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dentist90

How does one respond to their 24 yr old son, who is dying from cancer, when he says "I don't want to die. I'm scared."

What can one say to a young man, engaged to be married this summer, who is facing his imminent, painful demise? What can one say to his parents, dear friends, who have to watch their terrified son struggle and die?

You tell him the same thing you would tell anyone who is afraid that it's time to die...

"Don't".

That's all it takes, because in that word is a WORLD of meaning. Ultimately, our job here is to not die, and we must make it earn us. Whether that is taking any money left over and traveling the world, or putting yourself on TV to become a spokesperson, or finding the one and only doctor on the planet that can possible help you...one way or the other, we have a single solitary job when it comes down to it...flip Death the bird and make him fight for what he thinks is his.

Racerbvd · Racerbvd's Garage

I don't think that there is anything that you can say, all you can do is hold them very tightly.

speeder · speeder's Garage

That's a tough one, about as tough as it gets. All I can think of is that if it was my family member I would spend every possible moment with them so that they were unequivocally aware that they were not alone and never will be as long as I had any say in it.

Sometimes life sucks, and this is one of those times. There is no deeper philosophy to it, just part of life. I'm very sorry to hear it, stay close to your friend. Your post shows that you are a caring person.

m21sniper · 07-04-2008, 11:45 PM

"I know son, i am too. I don't want you to die either."

What the hell else can you say?

livi · 07-05-2008, 12:53 AM

I have only my professional experience and as such I see kids like this regularly. As a private relative I no more experience than the next guy, fortunately.

My only general opinion, one that is based on how all the kids I have known threw the years with malignant disease wanted me to act, is that they want to be treated and related to completely normal. No pity, no sorrow, no talk about the disease. Focus on what you would have talked about with any person.

They do not want to be the 'poor, dying kid', but any kid.

Porsche_monkey · 07-05-2008, 04:56 AM

This is a worthwhile investment. Eventually we all need it.

http://www.amazon.com/I-Dont-Know-What-Say/dp/1550130927/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1215262309&sr=1-1

azasadny · azasadny's Garage

Very tough, I can't even imagine what it would be like. Just be honest and open, say what's on your heart and let your family/friends know how much you love them and will miss them...