A Post That Needed it's Own Thread

[Mule]

Every reason to vote for Obama. Posted by Red Baron on another thread.


# Every now and then, Obama opens his eyes and the world springs into existence.

# Socks worn by Obama are used for climbing walls in Spiderman movies.

# "Obama" is the very first word in the English language to be a verb, adjective, noun, pronoun, adverb, interjection, superlative and pronad. (Pronad is a new category made specifically for the word "Obama" so its power can be fully realized).

# When Obama squints dreamily into the distance, he can see next week's lottery winning numbers. But he never plays because that would mean poverty of ambition.

# A microphone into which Obama has spoken, heals asbestos-related disorders and colorectal cancer by direct application.

# Every time Obama talks about change, a baby diaper becomes clean and a homeless person's cup fills up with nickels.

# Every time Obama talks about "hope," coma patients regain consciousness and chant "We are the ones we've been waiting for."

# Obama's famous stare once converted 15 Islamic fundamentalists into secular progressives, all of whom are currently employed by Countrywide Home Loans.

# Obama's real mother was young John Kerry who reproduces asexually when coming into contact with foreign Marxists.

# Obama often says "uh" in his speeches in order to irritate Bill O'Rilley who hangs onto his every word.

# Obama always overpays his taxes because he believes that the government will find a better use for his money than he ever could.

# When Obama rids the world of nuclear weapons, the red button in his office will control the thermostats in American homes.

# After a hearty meal Obama has been known to send off a tiny ripple of hope. This tiny ripple of hope in Chicago can cause change throughout the world.

# When Obama relaxes at home with his family he switches to a British accent.

# Monica Lewinsky owns "I Barack for Obama" bumper sticker.

# Everything Obama touches begins to vote Democrat.

# More dead people voted for Obama than for any other Democrat candidate in the history of Chicago politics.

# The tingle that crawled up Chris Matthews' leg has taken control of his brain and is reporting a full preparedness to take over the world.

# Obama can make things disappear just like David Copperfield can, but he hates taking things away from the community.

# The US Postal Service published Obama's resume on a new first class stamp.

# In the movies, Obama's part is played by Robert Redford.

# Obama can inflate a hot air balloon in one blow. He does it for the children.

# Obama used to spell his name as Ubama but changed it to avoid confusion with Usama bin Laden.

# When Obama fixes his gaze on the clouds, he is reading his next great line from the big teleprompter in the sky, which is unseen to ordinary humans.

# Obama wrote "Stairway to Heaven" and many other songs popular among the downtrodden.

# Obama's love for the downtrodden heats up the planet's atmosphere by 5.8 degrees Fahrenheit, while his loathing of George W. Bush cools it down by the same amount. That's why the scientists have been unable to detect any significant variations in average global temperatures.

# The main point of Al Gore's book "Earth in the Balance" is that a disastrous climate change can be averted if we all help keep Obama emotionally balanced.

# Scientists discovered that a constant repetition of the words "hope" and "change" increases the size of penis in male patients by up to three inches.

# Any sentence containing the name "Obama" and ending in a question mark has been determined to be racist. The only exceptions are rhetorical sentences such as "Is there any way that Obama could be more perfect?"

# Obama smokes so you don't have to.

# Obama's cigarettes have been registered at the EPA as a renewable power source contributing 5,000 Megawatts of electricity to the national power grid every time he takes a draw.

# The "smoke" that comes out of Obama's mouth contains rare gases that help replenish the ozone layer and neutralize the industrial pollution.

# Obama once downed a Fox News satellite simply by clicking on a universal TV remote in his living room. Obama then reprogrammed the remaining satellites to broadcast reruns of Keith Olbermann's show, thus expanding the consciousness of the average American TV viewer and raising awareness by 19%.

# When Obama speaks about universal healthcare, the risk of cardiovascular diseases decreases by 58 percent, and the risk of cancer decreases by 60 percent.

# Obama knows that his healthcare plan is going to work because he personally tested it in a leper colony, where he healed everyone by shaking hands and kissing babies.

# In Portland, Oregon, Obama fed a multitude of 75 thousand with five government subsidy forms and two rolls of red tape.

[Red Baron]

My fellow Americans:
As your future President I want to thank my supporters, for your mindless support of me, despite my complete lack of any legislative achievement, my pastor's relations with Louis Farrakhan and Libyan dictator Moamar Quadafi, or my blatantly leftist voting record while I present myself as some sort of bi-partisan agent of change.
I also like how my supporters claim my youthful drug use and criminal behavior somehow qualifies me for the Presidency after 8 years of claiming Bush's youthful drinking disqualifies him. Your hypocrisy is a beacon of hope shining over a sea of political posing.
I would also like to thank the Kennedy's for coming out in support of me. There's a lot of glamour behind the Kennedy name, even though JFK started the Vietnam War, his brother Robert illegally wiretapped Martin Luther King, Jr. and Teddy is believed by many to have killed a female employee with whom he was having an extra marital affair and who was pregnant with his child. And I'm not going anywhere near the cousins, both literally and figuratively. And I'd like to thank Oprah Winfrey for her support. Her love of meaningless empty platitudes will be the force that propels me to the White House.
Americans should vote for me, not because of my lack of experience or achievement, but because I make people feel good. Voting for me causes some white folk to feel relieved of their imagined, racist guilt. I say things that sound meaningful, but don't really mean anything because Americans are tired of things having meaning. If things have meaning, then that means you have to think about them.
Americans are tired of thinking. It's time to shut down the brain, and open up the heart. So when you go to vote, remember don't think, just do. And do it for me.
Thank You.
Barack Hussein Obama, Jr.