Tatoos and teens...forgiveness vs. permission...as stepdad should I even get a vote?
 

I hate to get on here and whine about the role as stepdad...as I've done so many times before. But bear with me..perhaps one last time (hopefully).

I discovered last night that one of my twin 17 y.o. stepdtrs got a tatoo....several months ago. This was something that was specifically forbidden by mom when stepdtr wanted to do it. So she did it any way. And what pizzes me off is that mom learned of it from her immediately but mom concealed it from me because she knew I would be angry and insist on some consequence for her defiance/disrespect of mom.

Mom's reaction was one of anger at the child but let it go with "You'll have to live with it...that's punishment enough." NADA...nothing else. No consequences.

I don't know what makes me angrier...the tat, the defiance or no knowing what's going on in my own household.

FWIW the tatoo reads "Only GOD can judge me" on her azz. She explained it to mom that she was going thru a difficult time when everyone was judging her and therefore wanted to memorialize her spriritual convictions. Mom bought it. What BS!!!!

I swear my wife isd seriously dysfunctional when it comes to her daughters.

Not your kid, you lose no matter what.

i hate tats.

Not sure your role in this though - depends on the precedent and what mom says. If you're more in the background then you just have to let it go.

The bigger issue is how this will affect your relationship with your wife. The kids will (hopefully) be out of the house soon. The wife won't be.

Dueller, as frustrating as it might be. Unfortunately you have absolutely no say.

+9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 999999999999999999

And it never will change. And you still get to pick up the bills.

http://nomarriage.com/

Memorializing her spiritual convictions on her butt? That's got to make the non-beliving crowd howl in laughter. Sorry, no disrespect to your family, Dueller...just to the idea.

Tru dat, nostat....perhaps I'm overreacting but I am constantly put in aa position where her children are being defended at the expense of our relationship. I'm getting to the point of getting rid of all of them.

Bro your best bet is to just roll your eyes and say "whatever."

Hopefully she'll get out of the house at 18, and you won't have to worry about her craziness so much after that.

you lost the battle over the designated driver tale,
so this will be no different.

I would have said let her read some 'views' on her new stamp..
no need to worry about GOD judging her....
Men will do it for him, and she won't like what they assume.
best you can hope for is that they leave soon.

As for your lady..that's who you need to talk with..
who know's what else you don't know about.
Rika

None taken....I'm with you on the assessment.:mad:

yeah...I don't think this is about the tat for you - it's about the relationship/dynamic with your wife.

Better sort that stuff out. It can go downhill quickly (ask me how I know).

The mother will always lie for the daughter and vice versa.

Is it legal for a tattoo studio to do tattoos on someone under 18 where you live?

It is not legal in Illinois.

I'm the mother of a very tattooed daughter. She got the first at 14, I saw it when she was 15. The art gallery has kept growing over the years. She was clever enough as a teen to NOT mention it to me beforehand. I think your wife's reaction was the wisest, I think your position is much harder, because of their age and your stepdad status I would suggest saying how you feel, WITHOUT GOING OVER THE TOP, and backing up the position your wife took. I'd also talk to your wife about how to react when the next tattoo appears.:eek: ;) As an aside my tattooed biker chick daughter went berserk when her lawyer boyfriend tattooed her name on his arm, he had it removed very quickly afterwards.

How does the saying go? Something about mountains and mole hills.. She's 17, this is the point in life where you have to let them make their own mistakes. Trying to punish this one into her head is not going to work. Your wife did the right thing. If there is a step dad dynamic in the house that lets you off the hook for some of the parenting responsibilities consider it a blessing.

I don't think Dueller's wife did the right thing...

Sure, letting the kid live with the consequences of her actions is fine, but she should have told him what was going on and what her decision was.

Thank you for the mother's perspective, Isa.

I've sat here and thought about what my core issue is and have come up with two things: 1) I consider it a sign of disrespect for her mother who specifically said "No, once you're 18 you can if you wish but I still don't approve."

and 2) I hate the fact that I'm expected to be dad for all the heavy lifting but find they are repeatedly concealing things from me that I subsequently discover. I consider much of their behaviour as lying by ommission. To that end, I react maturely and calmly when I'm in the loop...e.g., when I (not their mother) discovered they were becoming sexually active I immediately discussed with their mother and arranged for BC without going ballistic.

Dueller, as in the past, this is a losing battle for you. You need to learn to just ignore what happens between mom and daughters. If asked for an opinion, just stay neutral.

Having adopted Cindy's daughter from an earlier marriage, I concur. You seem to always lose.

Now to the tat...bad move, she will regret it in the future...

Discussing tattoos with beloved offspring and a couple of her friends a few years ago I was told that "if the tattoo god speaks to you, you have to listen". I think that means if a teen wants a tattoo they will get it, parental disapproval may be a plus for some.
I agree with you on the lying by ommission, but have you considered that it's a sign of their esteem for you, especially the stepdaughters? If they didn't rate you they wouldn't bother.

I think that was a compliment;)

Actually we do have a positive relationship in general. And I do realize in the big scheme of things this, too, will pass. I have dealt with a number of more serious issues very candidly with them: leasbian relationships, sex, underage drinking, lying and sneaking off to an out of town college for the weekend, etc. And my wife and I do discuss things privately and I recognize that she has the final say when we disagree. So for me the wife's deception by ommission bumfuzzles me. May be an indicator of deeper problems.

But then again I overthink schit.

Not your kid, let it go. Plus, it's not like she's 12. She's almost 18. 18 is a grown up, getting a tattoo is a grown up thing, so she obviously feels she is a grown up. Things like buying food, paying rent, making a car payment, etc. are also grown up things, I assume she knows and is planning on being a grown up for those purposes, too.

I don't think you have much to say about the 'tat" but I sure as hell would bring to her attention that she disrespected her mother by getting it anyway and see if her mother would support you on some consequences of that part of the behavior.

Either way, you are in a pretty s----- situation. Would have been nice if your wife had gotten you involved from the start.

Tatoos? Lesbian relationships?

Damn man....

Tell us some more about the lesbian relationships. :D

Isa,
they have NO respect for D,
he's too write the check's..& STFU.
sorry D, I see them treating you like a Mushroom..keep in the dark & feed merde.


Rika

Never said my life was boring:eek:

"Only god can judge me" ????

Of all the awful ideas . . . . .

Rest easy, Dueller. The regret will be punishment enough. I hope it's not the one with the possible modeling career, because an awful tattoo will squash that idea real quick.

SPOT ON OLD BEAN. Brilliant retort for Dueller. I can see it now "Wait, so this was so important to you, you thought you'd put it on your butt? Where you can't see it?" "What will you do for an encore?"

Who you callin' old? :eek:

post tattooass pic, let us judge

As you know, as a step-father you are often just a talking head in the corner that nobody pays much attention to. They all listen & then do what they want. Fighting it will only give you an ulcer.

At my end, we have the Room Monkeys (wife's son & Chinese bride) still in residence. I make noises & bring up the issues & everybody gets upset for a while & nothing changes ultimately.

That's life as a step-father.

Ian

Tat = automatic 20 I.Q. point deduction. Pretty much universally...

Then again, maybe you could "pay her back" by getting one that says "I love my disobedient, lying stepdaughter". :)

If this were a Japanese tv soap opera, first he'd sleep with his daughter, then get the tatoo, then have a knife fight with the lesbian girlfriend.

I'm just sayin...

For all you demotivated stepdads out there, I'd just like to note that my stepfather was very influential and a real positive role model. We fought a lot, and I think I drove him nuts, but I guess that's what being a father is all about. He and my mom split up when I was 18, but I still see him now and then and respect him immensely.

3 cheers for all the step-parents out there!

I'm having issues with my own 18yo step-son. About a year ago he wanted a tattoo. After we repeatedly said no, he decided to get a tongue stud without asking us - I'd rather he had a tattoo, but the stud was removable. His mother (my wife) told him to stay at his dads until the stud was removed. He stayed at his dads and with friends for several months. When he finally came over to see us, we didn't make a big fuss over the tongue stud - it disappeared shortly after - not because of anything we did or said, I think it just got old. In hind sight, it would have been better to wait it out rather than making a bid deal of it.

He now spends most of his time at his dads house or friends - we rarely see him. Be careful about the battles you choose to fight.

He will call when he needs / want's something that 'Dad' is not helping with.
they always do....
Rika

Exactly. My stepson hasn't seen or talked with his father in 8 years. His choice.

Ian

Her mom should tell her daughter, "Well, God judged you. He told ME, because I'M YOUR MOTHER!, that He doesn't like it, or the fact that you defied your mother. He told me to take you to have it REMOVED! Now, you may disobey you're mother, but your mumsey sure isn't going to disobey God!"

She better do it before 18 comes up though.

The Hell's Angels believe that anything with their logo on it is their property. If you are thrown out of the club, they will take back their property--including any tattoos. They have been known to use a hot clothing iron to reclaim their property.