Tools explanation of uses

[Zef]

*Drill Press:* A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
sheet metal and bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly painted
component which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could
get to it.

*Wire wheel:* Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. It will also remove
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the same
amount of time it takes you to say "Oh Crap"

*Electric Hand Drill:* Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until they melt.

*Skill Saw:* A portable cutting tool used to make lumber too short to
use in your wood wings job.

*Pliers:* Used to round off aircraft bolt heads. Sometimes also used
in the creation of blood blisters.

*Belt Sander: * An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
blemishes into major refinishing jobs.

*Hacksaw:* One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future aircraft becomes.

*Vise Grips:* Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads, If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer
intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

*Oxyacetylene Torch:* Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a wheel
bearing outer race.

*Table Saw:* A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood
projectiles for testing wall integrity. Especially feared if you are
building in the family room.

*Hydraulic Floor Jack:* Used for lowering your aircraft to the ground
after you have installed your new brake pads, trapping the jack handle
tightly under the wing.

*Band Saw: * A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
homebuilders to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more
easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line
instead of the outside edge.

*Two ton engine hoist:* A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength
of everything you forgot to disconnect.

*Phillips Screwdriver:* Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids or for opening old-style paper and tin oil cans and splashing
contents on your shirt; but can sometimes be used as the name implies,
to strip out Phillips screw heads.

*Straight Screwdriver:* A tool for opening paint cans, Sometimes used
to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
butchering your palms.

*Pry bar:* A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that expensive
clip or bracket you needed to free up remove in order to replace a 50
cent part.

*Hose cutter:* A tool used to make hoses too short.

*Hammer:* Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

*Utility Knife:* Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
on contents such as seats, aircraft dataplates, liquids in plastic
bottles, aircraft documents, rare aviation magazines, refund checks,
and any rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work
clothes, but only while in use.

Damn-it-tool: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage
while yelling DAMN-IT at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,
the next tool that you will need to finish your current project

[dhoward]

Just spit a diet Coke everywhere.

[Zeke]

* MIG Welder* Used for depositing worms and bird droppings on otherwise perfectly good sheet metal. Also good for blowing holes in same. Handy for starting fires in the interior of the car and elsewhere in the area. If you like sand in your eyes, this is the tool of choice, just close your eyes while still facing the direction of the rays and it will do the rest. Has very nice "frying bacon" sound to make you hungry.

[Jim Bremner]

"tool"

someone who belives that comunist dictator is a good thing...unless he has to live as a subject under said dictator.

[imcarthur]

Yes. this list could go on & on . . .

*Side Cutters* A handy electrical tool used to produce sparks & a totally electrifying experience while cutting through live wires.

Ian

[Zef]

Originally Posted by Jim Bremner

"tool"

someone who belives that comunist dictator is a good thing...unless he has to live as a subject under said dictator.

This thread is about tool *********....

[imcarthur]

Well Syl, I guess what that poster doesn't realize is that the biggest tool is sometimes the one looking back at you from the mirror.

Ian

[Z-man]

I believe the first post of this thread was written by Peter Egan in one of his "Side Glances" editorials in Road and Track a few years back.

Mr. Egan is my favorite writer in the automotive world - his wit and practical knowledge of all things related to cars is perfect.

-Z

[Overpaid Slacker]

+1
He had a compilation years ago about all of the ways to make sure your race car goes slower (such as leaving a tennis ball in one of your velocity stacks).

Funny, funny guy I'd like to buy a beer.

JP

[sammyg2]

Here's some more, probably fromn the same author:


Whitworth Sockets
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16" or 1/2" socket you’ve been searching for the last 15 minutes.

Hydraulic Floor Jack
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

8' Douglas Fir 2x4
Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.

Tweezers
A tool for removing wood splinters.

Phone
Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

Snap-On Gasket Scraper
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog poop off your boot.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn’t use anyway.

Craftsman ˝"x16" Screwdriver
A large prybar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

Aviation Metal Snips
See hacksaw.

Trouble Light
The home mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin,” which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm Howitzer shells were used during the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

Air Compressor
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last over-tightened 58 years ago by someone at ERCO and neatly rounds off their heads.


Mechanic’s Knife
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.

Dammit Tool
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling “Damn it!” at the top of your lungs. It is also the next tool that you will need.

Expletive
A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every deficiency in foresight.