All puns intended
 

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar..
The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'


3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says:

'A beer please, and one for the road.'


6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
'Does this taste funny to you ?'


7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.'
'Is it common ?'
'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'
'I don't believe you,' says Dolly.
'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

10.. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.


12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ?
A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft.
It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to Disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off.
'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.'
The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.'
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,
he suffered from bad breath.
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Would these translate well into another language, say german?
Jim

LOL, Isa! Thanks! :)

Isa,

Best darn post of the week!

Makes me laugh EVERY TIME. :D:D:D

Isa,
Thanks, I needed that.:D

Here's another:

A dog walks into a saloon with his leg in a sling and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"!

After my week I needed a laugh, thank you.

You are a Card, What a Joker, You should be Dealt with. :)

Or how about the lyrics from a song that is nothing but one continuous pun, it is really punny.... Thank you, I will be here all week...

It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year
I was driving in downtown Atlantis
My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray, and it was
overheating
So I pulled into a Shell station
They said I'd blown a seal
I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, okay
pal?"

While they were doing that I walked over to a place called the oyster
bar -- a real dive
But I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins
I said, "Hi, Gil!!!"
You hafta yell, he's hard of herring

CHORUS:
Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Wet dream...

Gil was also down on his luck
Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water
I gullied up to the sandbar
He poured the usual
Rusty snail, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred
With a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side -- heavy on the
mako
I slipped him a fin -- on porpoise
I was feeling good
I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids -- for the
halibut

Well, the place was crowded
We were packed in like sardines
They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal --
what sole
Tommy was rockin' the place with a very popular tuna -- "Salmon Chanted
Evening"
And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers
Probably there to see the bass player

One of them was this cute little yellowtail
And she's giving ME the eye
So I figure, this is my chance for a little fun
You know -- a piece of Pisces

But she said things I just couldn't fathom
She was too deep, and seemed to be under a lot of pressure
Boy, could she drink
She drank like a... she drank A LOT...
I said, "What's your sign?"
She said, "Aquarium"
I said, "GREAT!!! Let's get tanked!"

CHORUS

I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait
I said, "C'mon baby, it'll only take a few minnows"
She threw me that same old line
"Not tonight -- I got a haddock"

And she wasn't kiddin' either, 'cuz in came the biggest, meanest looking
haddock I'd ever seen come down the pike
He was covered with mussels
He came over to me, he said, "Listen shrimp -- don't you come trolling
around here"
What a crab
This guy was steamed -- I could see the anchor in his eyes

I turned to him, I said, "Abalone -- You're just being shellfish"
Well, I knew it was going to be trouble, and so did Gil, 'cuz he was
already on the phone to the cods
The haddock hits me with a sucker punch
I catch him with a left hook
He eels over
It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck
, flat as a mackerel
Kelpless

I said, "Forget the cods, Gil, this guy's gonna need a sturgeon"
Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend
She came over to me, she said, "Hey big boy, you're really a game fish"
"What's your name?"
I said, "Marlin"

CHORUS

Well from then on, we had a whale of a time
I took her to dinner
I took her to dance
I bought her a bouquet of flounders
And then I went home with her
And what did I get for my trouble?
A case of the clams

CHORUS
CHORUS/FADE

What song is that?

It is called "Wet Dreams" and is by Kip Adotta I think is cam out in the early 80's. If you google
"Kip Adotta Wet Dreams Lyrics" I think you can find a site to play it.

Sorry it is "Wet Dream" no s

I saw an out of control car hit an unmanned toll-gate booth at a turnpike entrance, smashing it to jonesereens - I meen smithereens and causing an electrical smithout - I mean brownout.

A truckload of workers arrived in a flash and, in minutes, stuck all the pieces back together with some kinda white gunk in buckets.

Amazed, I had to go ask the foreman "What is that amazing stuff?"

He answered "Toll-gate booth paste".

Snow tires.

Very typical of the era. Think Norm Crosby.

And....

"Cinderella" by Jack Ross, 1962

"
Here is a tale to make your cresh fleep.
It`ll give you poose gimples.
It`s a story for fee bolk and biggle toe peep.
That`s wee folk and bigger people too.
It`s a story about Cinderella who lived in a big hark douse
with her mean old mepstother and her two sisty uglers.
And they made Cinderella do all the worty dirk,
while they sat around cheating ocolates and magging ridazines.

And one day when Cinderella was in the kitchen, flopping the moor,
the two sisty uglers came in and said Guess what?.
The prandsome hince is frowing a bancy thress drall
and we`re invited. It`s too bad that you can`t go.
So Cinderella went back into the kitchen with ears in her teyes.
And she was just about to chicassee a fricken,
when suddenly there was a linding blash of flight
and standing beside her was a feautiful bairy.

And Cinderella said Who are you and what do you want?.
And the feautiful bairy said Well I`m your mairy fodgother.

And Cinderella said Well may I go to the ball?.
And the fairy said Well that`s quite a wish but she said Okay.
So she waved her magic wand and instantly Cinderella was transfomed
into a bavishing reauty. She had a long white gatin sown and a
necklace of pubies and rearls.
And on her feet were two tiny sass glippers.

And the fairy said Now you may go, but you must promise to be
mome by hidnight. And Cinderella said Okay.
So she was off and soon she cast to the came-le.
That`s came to the castle. And Cinderella jumped out and the
first poo teople she ran into were the two sisty uglers..
And she was so beautiful, they didn`t even cinderize Recognella.
So they introduced her to the prandsome hince and he said May I
dav this hance? He said You`re so beautiful you remind me of
Beeping Sleauty.

He was just about to ask for her mare in handage, when suddenly
the strock clarted to trike swelve and Cinderella ban from the rall.
But as she did one of the sass glippers flipped from her soot.
The prandsome hince picked it up and said Now all I have to do
is find the woman whose soot this flipper sits and I`ll know
whom I`ve lallen in fove. So the next day he went from house to
house. And you can`t turn that around! And soon he came to the
cin where House-derella lived and he docked on the knoor.

And who should come to the door but the two sisty uglers, and
he says I`m looking for the woman who`s soot this flipper sits.
Well of course their beet were too fig. But then it was
Cinderella`s turn and guess what? The flipper pitted serfectly!
They were married and happed livilly ever after and that`s the
end of the story of Cinderella"

Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "You know how to drive this thing?"

Two guys walked into a bar. You'd have thought the second one would have noticed and ducked......

My great grandfather's favorite trick was walking down the street and turning into a saloon.

Or....was his favorite trick down the street at his saloon?

Or...was his favorite trick turning into a saloon to try to escape the horny old goat?

Oh ha ha, very punny.

Isa I really like that kind of joke. Best laugh in a long time. I'm trying to tell some to my girlfriend but i keep laughing too much. All the best for 2009 too :)

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?

It was in tents.