Disappointing Experience, Please help me work through this...

Don Plumley · Don Plumley's Garage

It seems to be the new American Way - buy what you want but can't afford; ask for help for what you need but can't buy.

I think it is personal pride/shame. I'd sell all my/our possessions to make sure my family had what they needed before I asked for any help. I agree with you that this is truly disappointing.

BlueSideUp · 12:43 AM

I would feel the same way about it. I would hope as you did that the TV was a gift. If the family is representing themselves as needy then the TV is a symbol of deception.

Although one thing to consider is that the family may not have always been needy. Certainly people right now are having their lives literally crumble around them. If the TV was something that helped my kids be happy I would do what I could to keep it around. Maybe it's flawed logic but that could be the situation.

KFC911 · 01-30-2009, 01:29 AM

I'm sure there are plenty of needy families out there who don't have "misplaced priorities" (which I suspect is what your your last two have). Is there any way to locate one via "word of mouth", etc. where you can do a bit of due dilligence before bestowing your generosity upon them? I can understand parents wanting to make their kids happy, but crass materialism under dire circumstances isn't a path I would choose. "Living within one's means" may be one of the most valuable lessons my parents' taught me. Good luck!

azasadny · azasadny's Garage

Wayne,
Read "Atlas Shrugged", it will help you understand why you feel the way you do. We help others through our church, but I realize that most of these people are in the situation they're in because of bad choices they have made.

azasadny · azasadny's Garage

Wayne,
I know you're a very busy man, but take the time to read the book and you'll come away with a much better understanding of what we're going through and the root causes. Thanks again for providing this forum and for helping us keep our cars on the road!

Dixie · Dixie's Garage

Quote:

So, he trouble is, now for the 2nd year in a row, both of these families have had bigger TVs than we have in our house.

The simple solution is to go buy a big honkin' TV. But you know that's not the real issue.

Think of it this way. Everyone has the ingrained need to have something special, perhaps a touch extravagant. For them, it's a big ol' TV. (after all, TV is a pretty cheap entertainment.) For others, it's a 959.

Let it go, "forgive me of my debts, as I also forgive my debtors."

Tim Hancock · 01-30-2009, 03:58 AM

This is one of the reasons I have been so disgusted lately. For many months now, I have to listen some whining about how bad life has been for the middle and lower class when in reality, these people have been doing much better than life as I remember it growing up in the 70's/80's. Many in our society seem to be be unaware of what true poverty is anymore.

Jim Richards · 01-30-2009, 04:05 AM

Wayne, go find a different way to do charitable work. I'd feel a bit funny about working with families like you've described and would start a different tradition immediately. I know you'd like to use this as a vehicle to impress positive values and provide good experiences for your kids, but, this clearly sends the wrong message.

I've been in the habit of contributing sandwich materials and helping make sandwiches at one of the local "soup kitchens" for distribution to the local homeless. I also give a lot of money to this cause. I don't give money to sidewalk beggars, especially since I've seen them "commuting" on the bus to get to their favorite spot for their daily begging "job."

TGTIW · 01-30-2009, 04:09 AM

I would suggest directing your charity towards animals. They at least are truly deserving.

Jim Richards · 01-30-2009, 04:15 AM

yep, good point.

cgarr · cgarr's Garage

We feed hundreds through our local community kitchen here and often see many local collage kids come in for a free lunch along with the homeless, yea this used to bother me, figuring that those kids just want to save some money for their big parties, but looking at them along with all the homeless eating there I would guess many may be volunteering their own time in the future to help others. I can't change the way I service others by trying to determine each persons true needs.

Big Ed · 01-30-2009, 04:35 AM

Wayne, you are trying to do something good and hopefully you can find a way to do so to help a family who is in greater need.

I'm a real estate broker, and a good portion of my work is investment rental properties (both as an agent and as an owner/manager). The most shocking thing I have come to realize about tenants who receive rental subsidies (Section 8 or the like) is that they all have TVs bigger than mine. They also never seem to run out of cash for cigarettes, beer and take out pizza.

Now of course, they don't *all* live like that, it is an exaggeration...but in my experience we're talking a good 50% or more. And what's the story with all the able bodied people on Social Security disability? I swear to God, I run into so many young and seemingly able-bodied people who are "disabled" it is sickening. I'm sure some of them have legitimate disabilities, but there's no way they are all permanently disabled such that there is no job they could perform. It's patent crap.

I don't know how to fix the situation, but it certainly needs fixing. I do believe in social safety nets for the truly needy, I just think the system is so fraught with abuse that it is ridiculous.

VroomGrrl · 01-30-2009, 04:36 AM

Wayne,

I applaud you and your family for making charitable giving a part of your family celebration of Christmas. I think for the past years, and resolving your feelings about those two families - I'd say let it go. Your hearts were in the right place, and if you believe somebody somewhere is keeping track of these things, your kindness did not go unnoticed. Even if it did not have the impact you hoped on a truly needy family.

But for future years, perhaps you could find a different organization whose holiday match-up program touches families who are more needy than the ones you've found so far, and which as a result, makes for a more satisfying charitable giving experience for your family.

Shaun @ Tru6 · 01-30-2009, 05:10 AM

If you got them a computer this year, what's to say someone equally generous didn't get them a big TV last year?

Jim Richards · 01-30-2009, 05:12 AM

Don't be cheap, get 'em a Porsche.

Porsche-O-Phile · Porsche-O-Phile's Garage

I think I might actually have a smaller TV than you.

We have an old 27" CRT television. I barely use it anyway. I believe we bought it in 2000 and that was only to replace my old one that finally died (I'd had it all through college - it didn't even have a remote control, you had to get up and turn the dials in order to tune your channel!)

The Gaijin · 01-30-2009, 05:17 AM

If you let people disappoint you - it will happen all the time. ALL classes, education levels, professional credentials - whatever. Just got to go with the flow...

Rick Lee · Rick Lee's Garage

This exact same thing happened to my wife, except her boss coerced her into donating her own money for it and she suspects all the families they took stuff to were illegals. She said none of them looked poor in the least and only some of the kids could speak any English at all. Her boss made her whole team do it and each one had to kick in a few hundred $$ of their own money.

cgarr · cgarr's Garage

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jim Richards

Don't be cheap, get 'em a Porsche.

Yea, that's a good one! All my neighbors think I am rich because I drive a Porsche

Danimal16 · 01-30-2009, 05:26 AM

Wayne,

I would propose that we list some other charities. I know there are food banks that always need help with little things, food kitchens that prepare meals, USO volunteer duty (I like these guys), helping out at some type of homeless shelter , I really don't know all the answers but I bet others on this board could start a list a mile long.