We need to go see a marriage councilor.

We are in the middle of some ugly business at the moment :(

Christ, I get so angry at times, and I can say the worst things. In my family, fights were fights. There were no rules, and going for the throat was expected. We saw and heard some terrible things as children.

nice insight Rob, very good advice. in it for the long haul.

remember 2 words: YES DEAR and all is well.

20 years here. we dont argue that much. although the biggest was not too long ago. she went and bought a $2000 vacuum cleaner AFTER i told her not to. even though that was last year, i am still trying to get over it. i did not talk to her over a week. i have NEVER been that mad at her.


one thing that helps is to hug each other at least once a day. when we go to sleep, we are usually holding hands.

church was a big part in saving our marriage back in the late 90's.

I have some horrific memories of my childhood. My dad had a hair-trigger, uncontrolled temper and I avoided him at all costs. When he was drinking, it was friggin' nuts. My motivation was to not be like him and it worked out pretty good. Fortunately, he has really turned it around and we spend a lot of time together now.

Good luck with your issues and don't stop trying to make things better.

I skimmed this thread.

When we were newlyweds trying to adjust to one another we made a really cool rule. All arguments (at home in private) we to be done in the nude.

The arguments never lasted long and ended up with a roll in the hey.

Once the kids came along this rule was tossed out the window but the arguments were so far and few between it was a non-issue. (the rolls in the hey were still there though so all was good)

Now after 20 years if she has to vent on me I just let her have her say, then discuss it once she has cooled down, we know each other too well now and usually if something it bothering us we just let the other one know. She is actually the passionate hothead, which means there is a lot of good that comes with the bad, I let her blow off her steam, then once that is done we find a resolution. We have always been able to resolve our problems without much debate, there is a lot of give and take from both of us.

No privacy, no trust.....oh well :p

My dad was the same way which is a huge part of why I will not engage my wife in an argument. I can count the times in the last 20 years I have come unhinged. THREE.

2 were in the 1st year, none were after the 5th year. Now its not even a consideration. There is no problem in this world big enough to loose control over, none.

nothing good comes from fighting, except makup sex:D

when we would "fight" or have a discussion, yelling was not allowed and we did not do in front of our daughter. i guess i am the calm one, i have to be. early on i made the statement that we talk to our friends better than we talk to each other, i think that sank in, to both of us, and so we make an effort to be civil about disagreements.
i got mad at her about the store (read need leagal help) and so i called up my brother and yelled at him. i new she was feeling bad and had low self esteem about it and my yelling at her would not make things better.
my uncle made a statement to me a long time ago. he said phil does not say anything good about his wife (or something like that). but it really made me think.
and to this day, before i say something or do something, i think, will this make things any better or will any good come from this. if not, dont say it.
you and your wife should support each other, not try to take each other down. you are the head of the family, if it means biting your tongue to change the rules of fighting, then do it, she may catch on.

some statements or a bad choice of words..
can hurt as deeply as slap or punch...
say your sorry all you want..
they cannot be taken back..

Rika

i like jims idea, think ill start an argument when i get home

Kudos to you Paul.
No wonder you're such a great father and husband!

Two things:
1. Preventative measures
2. Understanding your mate

I'm impressed. http://forums.pelicanparts.com/support/smileys/wat6.gif

I've always placed alot of merit on how one treats their SO.
The way I see it, you choose your spouse, it's a reflection of you and it's one of the biggest decisions you'll ever make in your life. I got some great advise from a very successful man years and years ago; before I was married; it took ahold of me. He said, "Rob, you are going to be very successful if you choose the right wife." I realized that "I" needed a wife that would support my drive and efforts. She always has and I love her for it.

Kudos to you guys with the long relationship, a tremendous show of character imo.

Gary Smalley uses an analogy in his book/videos:

Wife says something to hubby that is hurtful; he drops a feather.
Hubby says something to wife that is hurtful; he drops a rock.

Everytime I check my pockets, nothing but rocks?

I received an email this morning from a blog a subscribe to (highly recommended)

http://artofmanliness.com/

written by the Author of "Hold on to your N.U.TS" a relationship book for men.

My wife and I get into the occasional fight about silly stuff, it usually gets blown out of proportion, I am slowly realizing that there are much better ways of de-fusing the fights than what usually happens (shouting and resentment).

I thought the author had some really great tips/tools...Here they are:


Tool #1: Silence The Little Boy

Most of us have a little boy in us. He’s the one who didn’t get the love, attention, guidance, mothering, fathering or discipline he should have gotten - or thinks he should have gotten - when he was a boy. He’s also the real, wounded little boy who was abused and who never received the help he needed to heal and to grow up to be a healthy man. As a result, males in our society grow up without having a clear understanding of themselves as men, and they continue to act like needy little boys. Quit stomping your feet through life and in your relationships. To have a successful long-term relationship and to feel like a successful man, you’ve got to silence the little boy.

Tool #2: Express But Don’t Defend Your Feelings

Rather than discussing your feelings, you simply need to communicate them. When you learn to express your feelings without defending them, you’ll be giving your woman what she needs, strengthening your relationship, and feeling much more like the best man you can be. And when you express without defending with everyone else in your life, you’ll become a man others can count on and respect. Expressing your feelings also helps you avoid the anger, stress, resentment, depression, and a host of other unhealthy emotional and physical outcomes that come with stuffing them.

Tool #3: Cooperate Without Compromising Your N.U.T.s

Men get angry and resentful when they agree to something that compromises who they are, what they stand for. Men who have developed their N.U.T.s-non-negotiable, unalterable terms, have no problem cooperating as long as they’re not asked to compromise what’s important, their non-negotiable, unalterable terms. Men who have not developed their N.U.T.s are likely to not cooperate at all because they live in constant fear of being compromised-they feel they must defend themselves. But when a man use this Tool, he can show up as the man he wants to be in his relationships at home, at work and in his community.

Tool #4: Run The Sex And Romance Departments

You had lots of sex at the beginning of your relationship because you romanced her and made her feel special. Now you want to have a vital sex life but you’re too lazy for the romance? As most married men know, that won’t work. It’s your job to run the sex and romance departments. And when you do a good job, you’ll both get what you want. Fear of rejection is probably the most popular reason why men shy aware from this duty. But once you learn the Tools and have a clear vision of the relationship you want to have, you’ll be surprised how much power you have to re-ignite the passion in your woman and in your relationship.

Tool #5: Be The Rock

One of the most important things your woman needs from you is to know that, no matter how she feels, no matter how angry, scared, sad, uncomfortable or frustrated she is, no matter how she acts or what words come out of her mouth, you will still be there when she’s done. She wants to be able to be who she is and know she doesn’t have to be responsible-in those challenging times-for the way her behavior may affect you. If she has that freedom, and you don’t run away, get defensive, try to fix her or her problem, or make it about you and argue, you will be much more the man she needs. You’ll be the rock!

Tool #6: Don’t Argue

Abandon your need to be right. Don’t argue with her. Have you realized that when it comes to arguing with your woman, when you lose, you lose, and when you win, you really lose? There is nothing to be gained from arguing that will, in any way, benefit you individually or as a couple. But you continue to do it. It may even feel, sometimes, as if it’s out of your control. It’s not. When you stop arguing, you’ll see a remarkable change in ALL of you relationships. When a man owns his N.U.T.s, there’s simply no reason to argue about anything with anyone.

Tool #7: Listen

Your woman needs to have someone who will listen to her, care about her, offer her a shoulder to cry on, be there to complain to and laugh with, and to support her. You’re it! Developing this skill-and learning why it’s a challenge for you-will transform your relationships! And when you improve your ability to listen to her, you’ll find listening to be an asset in ALL of you relationships.

Tool #8: Develop Trusting Relationships With Men

Women are terrific. But they can’t-and aren’t supposed to-satisfy our every need. That’s why we need men in our lives. And not just buddies to drink, watch sports or B.S. with. You need trusting relationships with men who will go the distance with you, challenge you when you’re in pain but denying it, who will hold you accountable to your commitments to be a better husband and father, men who will risk their relationships with you in order to be honest, so you’ll do the same for them. These relationships, this support, will help you make amazing changes in your life and in your relationships.

therapy.... plenty of therapy.... It makes expensive sex .....very expensive sex

Great post Dan, thanks!

1. Get mad but don't say anything, not wanting to rock the boat

2. Slowly get bitter over the whole thing

3. Eventually say something but get a bunch of "you should have..." in response

4. Wave white flag

5. Get divorced

Hey, go with what you know...

Jim's nude arguing is probably the greatest suggestion I have ever heard. Seriously- it puts everything into perspective. Boobs.

Yeah, but then it's 2 against 1.