What are you and your spouse/SO's arguing style?
 

How do you and spouse/SO argue/settle disputes? What do you argue about? How do you resolve seemingly impossible impasses?

Need a little serious insight here, guys...:(

Oh Due, You always post the best discussion threads!

Marriage is just like life, you really don't know what you're in for until the chips are down, the red flags raised, etc. Nobody likes disputes, disagreements or arguments, but you certainly do find out what kind of person you're mixed up with in the situations.

I listen very carefully during these times, this will open a window to the persons sole like no other.

I council my youngsters to make sure this platform is discussed and discussed and it's likely a good point to be sure you have an argument or disagreement before entering into anything too serious? I've seen countless examples of that, in both business and relationships.

Our number one rule..... NO "D" Word. Ever! We married for a lifetime and that's what it's gonna be baby. No backdoor. We've stayed true to the rule all these years and we're cruising good.

My wife and I are A and C personalities; usually everyone that knows me gets along with me as long as we're doing it my way; ha. That leads to arguments. Today our arguments are more "Moods" and we know each other too well to let it turn into anything. Wife will coax me to do something fun if I'm getting stressed about something etc.

When we did argue, she could get very pissed at me. She has a way of taking everything personal, but I think I have a way of delivering everything personal? No pushing, hitting, etc. Raised voices, ticked off attitudes, etc. Try and stay away from the 'hot buttons'.

I can bring my wife to a rage if I refer to her as my mother. not good, try not to go there?

Good luck, hope all is well on the home front pal.

I just "circle the wagons", hunker down and get silent........Sooner or later, the storm passes...

Can't say this is a good tactic at all, just works for me. I avoid conflict; but can only be pushed so far.......

cleaning up problems:
(numbered, but not in necessarily an order)

1. Apologize
2. Try to see their point
3. Speak in their language. There are 3 types of people - Visual, Audio, Kinestetic.
ie, 3 types of responses.
I see what you are saying.
I hear what you are saying.
I can come to grips with that.

So, if you try to "paint" a "picture" and they just can't "see" what you are talking about then you should maybe "sound" it out for them.

4. LISTEN
5. pull the macho card out of your pocket -
Recently, I pull the "I'm a guy" routine (ahem, night time activity) and I make sure that she realizes that I give in to her "thingys" too. However, she hates when I pul the guy routine but I need to remind her every so often because she'll try to pull the girl routine on me (ie, you should be and act just like my female friends). Nope ... no go on that!

6. cool off time -- sometimes trying to not to go to bed with issues on the table is NOT the right thing to do. Go for a drive, go to sleep, HOWEVER, make sure that the point is made that you will be more willing to LISTEN once you have cooled down. Anger makes you say things that you normally wouldn't.

7. flowers :D
8. negotiate - hey, is working with women any different than working with a difficult contract?
9. stay clear of that time of the month ;)

As for arguments:
I'm a pretty easy going guy. Not much really gets my fluff up. However, when I try to get some fluffing ... and she pulls the "I'm sleepy" routine. I am not pretty. Then all the other pent up garbage seems to spill out. IF I'm getting su'm, I'm willing to overlook other minor stuff.


Watch out for precedents:
If you allow something without a fight 1 time, only 1 time, yes only 1 time; the precedent will be set and they can always use that against you.

AND as we all know:
Men will never be able to understand women. Heck, they probably don't even understand themselves!

lolo, don't listen to me ;) I've been divorced once already!


I'm sure Rob will have some good stuff too!

LOL, Rob...saw you were logged in and made a personal bet that you would respond first.

lolo, Rob did already beat me here !!!! ahhahaha

I bet that my #3 tends to cause a lot of problems for people. We are speaking the same language (ie, English) but not really in the same language.

stonewalling is good for the moment but can cause much more problems down the line (ie, look for a partner that will listen)

I do agree with Rob that communication is really, really important. However, in the heat of the moment stupid things are always said. :(

lolo, when buying a car. Everybody hammers for more info.

Would you mind "generically" posting a "hypothetical" type of conversation between you two?
I have a feeling that will help us figure out the mechanics.

Ha, ha. I'll PM you my mailing address for half the take on that bet.

Mrs. Due is your Queen, you are her King.
You married her because you loved her and you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her. That was the easy part. It's work from there and if you meant it, then put in the work.

I meant it when I married my wife and I love her far too much to ever let her down. She's my secret weapon in life. Now, we have lived a very different life from most today; more traditional to 60's family values. My wife has been a stay at home mom, she's also been my business partner in most things. During the years when money was tight, I paid her $2000/month on the first of every month; that was her money for groceries, gas and kids. She never had to ask me for it, it was ALWAYS there, my first priority. After that I could do as I pleased, she was happy.

Later in life, we (ha, ME) made an agreement; when I took some of our cash to buy something personal or stupid, she would get an equal amount to do with what she wanted. My first 911 actually cost me $40,000! She mostly spends her play money on others, but its hers to do with what she wants. When I told her that I was buying a second 911, she said, "Oh, how much is that?" then..... "oh goody, I get my new kitchen, OH! and new appliances" Such is life. I'm having a hard time getting the Ferrari into the stable though?

Today, and for about the last couple years, we have no budget. We said screw it; we've been on a budget all our lives and one day I told my wife, no more budgets. If you want something, just go get it. So my secret, when people ask, "How do you keep your wife so happy?", my answer, "I give her money" ;)

My point is Due, you love your wife and life's too short, so go love her. Worship her and treat her with all the respect and kindness that she deserves. She is your Queen.

I dunno, Sapporo.

Jim,
Thanks for sharing the heartfelt post. That takes guts buddy.

I think you are right, there is more to it than the spill on the hardwood. There is a "respect" issue missing there somewhere? You need to bring that back in line; I know because I've been on your wifes side of the fence.

Understand that marriage is meant to be built on a foundation of love and comittment. Two people meet, they date, they get married, THEN they have sex, kids, live life, etc. That's the normal way things go down to build a proper foundation.

Introduce divorce, step kids, previous sexual partners, life before scenarios and the foundation has a crack or two, perhaps its even sunk in spots. Now there is no way you're gonna be able to build that building called a relationship without the repercussions of that foundation popping up from time to time. Creekin and a Crackin.

So, you met your wife, fell in love, she met you, fell in love. All of lifes experiences brought you to that point where you both were prepared to be in love with each other. Without the previous experiences, perhaps it wouldn't of went down? Those previous experiences are actually a blessing to you both; BUT not if they're thought about, discussed or re-lived from time to time. Gotta put that behind you and so does she.

One thing about the foundation; you're the man. You gotta be the man buddy. When it comes to you and her, you're the man. We've talked about the step kids before and I think you're getting comfortable with your role there. But with the Mrs., that's a whole different story.

As I posted before, maybe the male lion needs to get up from his nap; let out a loud roar and then lay down and go back to sleep? Can't let people dis you buddy, especially the love of your life. I think you're on the right track, there's something deeper to the situation; but WHAT? Could be anything, your foundation is not the best? You might just have to patch it up as best you can and stay focused on your goal, life, happily ever after?

Cheers,

Thanks, Rob.

She's jacking you up about parking your 911 in the garage of her dream home that YOU paid for?!? Never, never, never will that happen in my lifetime, married or no.

Subscribing to remind me, every time it's updated, why not getting married was the right choice.

I felt much the same way, usually being looked down upon by her I felt.
Unfortunately, we never did really settle our disputes and arguments. She held onto grudges for years, never let anything off her back, and eventually strayed, blaming me.
Ultimately, it led to our demise. :(

Class "A"s dont like the feeling of being taken for granted.
Happens to me all the time; I'll bust my balls for ya, but don't take me for granted.

I don't know Jim, sounds bad to me?
She just got back from taking the girls on a cruise! OH yeah, I guess that didn't go too well for her though?

My wife says you and her need a holiday together? She always says that though, I wonder if it's a hint? ya think?

Keep us posted, maybe it'll be better tomorrow?

Great book by Gary Smalley; "If he only knew". I highly recommend it!
that's the guy version, buy the women version too; "For better or best"

Explains that womens lives are like one giant room and mens are like many rooms. We can put something in the storage room and never deal with it again; a women has it all out in the open, always being reminded of it.

Jim,
all you've ever wanted in your life is the love and respect of a beautiful women.
simple. make it happen buddy.
edit: oh and at this point in your life; it's not just any women, it's "this" women ;)

oh oh ... seems like we got a similar thingy going on.

Step kids (my case kid) -- the all forbidden subject. I get nailed for all kinds of little things and when I slightly off handedly refer to that I'm not only one doing wrong. wham-oooooooooh!

I'm gonna go with Rob on this one, don't get dis'd. That is wrong.
However, you might have to have a little sit down with the wifey.

- Try to take her for dinner.
- Prep her with some good ol' primer -- You are going to ask a question, want her side of the story, and that you will answer with your thoughts in a day or two. You got have some time before you prepare the estimate.
- Ask point blank -- "What is going on? I seem to be missing something." or something else along those lines.
- Listen (lolo, don't lawyer her, or even comment about yourself. Let her go on, go on, go on, and go on like the energizer bunny)


Just keep to your guns that you are here today, willing to listen and will need time to sort and think things out.

She more than likely will try to get you to admit, answer and or do what she wants. Hey, most women I know are like that in some form or another.

Like Rob said stick your guns -- You will answer after you've had some time to think it out.

A lion isn't just about messy kills but being able to control his harem. Control comes in different forms and I'm sure Rob is talking about the type of being firm yet understanding.

I lost my marriage because I wasn't able to maintain my own respect, the respect I command from the woman I loved and my own pride and confidence. I am not saying to be a dick or some dumb red neck.

IF I haven't confused some other post with some of yours, I wonder if your wife is worried, thinking about something that is going on with her daughters (that she hasn't mentioned to you ...) and that is spilling over into the world that you share with her.

I just have that funny feeling that this is more about her world than you ... however, the lawyer routine isn't helping much it seems.

Hey Sapp;
Good to have you back buddy! I'm riding shotgun with you on this one; you picked up on Jim's situation very quickly. Great advise.

Jim will prevail because he really does care, maybe a wee bit of trying too hard. If I was in your shoes Jim, I'd be finding out and thinking about what it's gonna take to get my wife to retire? It's a tough sluggin' battle, but once they trust you enough to be the provider they can open themselves up into a whole new world...... the world of freedom.

Happy wife, Happy Life.

I guess the most succinct analysis thusfar is that type A's don't like to feel taken or taken advantage of. Rightly or wrongly, I think this feeling is a major source of my frustration.

POOF!!!! All my troubles gone. Thanks for letting me rant.

Dueller, out.

Yup! Been there and done that to myself many times!

sometimes my wife would reply, "I have no idea what you are talking about?"

Cheers..... get some sleep 'ol man.

Thanks Rob :D
It's good to be back :)

???? what's up with the poof ????
I hope that it's a good one though ....

What's up with this A/B/C stuff ? gotta link?
Is there some kind of interpretation guide for A's to talk to B's and such?

Ah Due, he's a lawyer. Deliberates until decision time, then POOF onto next case. Ha, ha.
I think he figured out most of his problems with his wife were self induced?

Personality Tree is a good book. Type personalities defined in many different ways.
A, B, C and D types. Opposites attract, etc.
A- Lion; Choleric: Leader, bossy, stubborn
B- Beaver, Melancholy: Neat, organised, manager
C - Golden Retriever, ?can't remember the tech term; I think its Pragmatic?: People pleaser
D - Otter; Sanguin: Have fun, funny, joking, enjoy life, center of attention
From the top of my head buddy.....

That probably rings a bell for ya?

Here's a link that explains the A,B,C,D types.

LINK

Ha, ha; I gotta laugh when I read this stuff; it's so me!

I remember the first time I learned this; I thought, that sucks:
I'm text book type A, always have been ;)

Pretty interesting stuff really.

Rut Rho.....

What is going on with the girls now?

Some of you guys have WAY more experience than I (never married, but recently ended a "good" 7-9 year relationship), but I'll offer my perspective without disagreeing with anything that's been posted. Relationships are HARD, and it takes two working together to make it "work". Unfortunately, if "either" chooses not to do so, it will ultimately fail imo. You guys with long term marriages are lucky, in the fact that both of you have obviously worked at it over the years, didn't "sweat the small stuff", and let bygones be bygones. Sometimes, even when all the "warning signs" are there (and I'm not talking infidelity), no matter what you do, the SO has "issues with the relationship", and there's simply not a damn thing one can do about it. That's not just my experience, but also comes from observing a few friends' 25+ year, seemingly happy marriages for years fail. Kudos to all of you who have (and have a SO) who's figured it out...you are lucky indeed.

I get my lawyer to send her lawyer a letter.

Nada. I've successfully withdrawn from allowing children to be an issue. Whatever mom says goes and I just enjoy them without giving my $.02. THAT has worked out very well for me.

It is very difficult to look as critically at your own personality as you would at your spouses. Real easy to see their problems in dispute resolution (stubborn, won't listen, clams up - whatever) but terribly hard to see your own. Each of us brings our own style to the dispute and frankly, it may not be a particularly desirable style...

For me, I have to stop and think about how I am acting. Is what I'm doing contributing to a resolution, an acceptance, or to an angry stalemate? Whatever I'm doing, if it's counter-productive, well, I need to stop doing it. I don't need to stop it because I'm losing the argument, I need to stop it because it is a failure to reach an acceptable conclusion. Losing an argument is not the big loss, losing the acceptable conclusion is the big loss. That was pretty tough to get through my hard Irish head. It's like winning the battle only to find out you lost the entire war.

Early on, Steve and I made a few ground rules for our arguments. Actually, I made them and much to my surprise he agreed. We are both products of divorced homes and that factored into the agreement that we made.
1. No nasty name calling (bellowing and stomping is OK)
2. No giving up (e.g. moving out, divorce, etc).
3. Always the truth.
4. Love each other even when we're furious with each other.

When it looks like one of those four is going to be broken, somebody needs to go for a walk. Or in my case, a bike ride, and it's usually me, so a bike ride it is. Clear the head, calm down a bunch. Then put on my big girl panties and deal with the issue.

angela

this is a hot potato topic between my wife and i. i grew up with an absolutely evil sister. she tomented me mentally as well as physically. i had to be strong to fight "the troll". we are marginal friends now.

fast forward to present time, and now i am married. my wife is the complete opposite of pretty much any other female family member in my life. our first several arguments, i went for the throat. pure instincts my friends....pure survival instincts. i hurt my wife. she knew the source of my fury, and calmly discussed it with me. she calls it, "being the middle child". OOOO-KKKKAY. either way, unacceptable behavior. she doenst deserve it. my wife wont argue. she gets silent to simmer alone. once calm she discusses issues. the silent treatment used to piss me off. now i just do the same thing she does. eff it.

NOW i just hope i dont get soft the next time my sister attacks.. i hope instincts dont suffer from atrophy.

D..you seem have it all..including fights....
You slay and battle dragons all day..
come home and the Lady of the manor wants a piece off you as well....
so if she's feeling froggy..
just take off your threads..right there..now..
before long your both laughing again...:D

me../ our rules..
no carpetbagging..
don't bring last weeks/ last yrs boobo to this party..

choose your words CAREFULLY..
we are a team..we fight the world..not each other...
realized long ago..
if not for her...I should be dead,in prison, or on the Post Office wall.


Rika

My wife suffers from Premenstrual dysphoric disorder, which is basically PMS on roids. Medication is the difference between pissed off & full on rage. I am no jewel, I have more than a fair share of character flaws & easily contribute more than 50% to any given conflict. We are both very stubborn people, which doesn't make matters any better.

The number one thing is that separation, let alone divorce is never an option or discussed. We try to keep in mind what is best for our 5 year old son. We went to a marriage shrink before we married to help set some ground rules & again a few years later when things were getting hairy. This helped, I learned that when she is angry, I need to leave her alone for however long it takes, (sometimes 3 days) to cool off. I always wanted resolution NOW, it doesn't work like that for her.

I can see when her irritability starts to come on & give her a wide berth. After 3 or 4 days of the onslaught, I bite back & let her know I've had enough & she needs to leave me alone. Sometime we'll barely speak for up to few days after, until her "mood" passes. I am certainly not one to give advice about marriage. I'm just giving my example of conflict resolution for my situation. I knew what I was getting into when I married her. Her virtues far outweigh the negatives. I try to look at my part in conflict & apologize when it's apparent that I'm being an A-hole.

Schrup

You'd better describe some of these virtues of which you speak...Wow!

Our 'arguments' are infrequent.

I think the way that arguments are treated in your household as a child help formulate the way you approach these as adults. In my house, an argument was never won, but rather resulted in a lot of stomping about, walking out of the room, and then a few weeks of passive-aggressive behavior. I learned that it did not fly with my wife. An argument needs to be rectified before bedtime. If things get heated to the point where normally I would walk out, she will just get super sad, which makes me feel like absolute dog crap, which is why I've pretty much stopped letting things escalate. She's probably been a really good influence on me. The only thing she had to learn from me was that on occasion, she needs to let me walk out just to calm down and get my bearings. She's learned to allow that, and I've learned to return with a clear head and get resolution.

We truly argue very rarely. Less and less with each year I think.

I don't know how you guys handle relationships with so much/so intense arguing. My wife and I almost never even raise our voices, seriously I could count the times on my fingers in 18 years. I know I couldn't handle it, so kudos to you guys. Yea yea I know, arguments are healthy :D

Honest, loyal, great mother, healthy, stable, hard working, motivated, compassionate, sane, no sexual hang ups.

My last girlfriend was beautiful, but insane. After a string of failed relationships, I made a list of the traits in a women that were most important to me. She had everyone of them. I guess I'm jaded, but in my experience, you have to pick your poison, nobody is perfect, especially me. I can accept a partner who can be Jekyll/Hyde mean, but not one who is less than honest, unfaithful, lazy, selfish, crazy, or has sexual problems.

Same here. My wife is as good natured as they come and deals with my immaturity quite well.

Bingo :D

Mine 'secretly' logs in to see what I've been up to online, so I'm not going to be able to participate here.... sorry.

Jus kidding hun.