a sober thought...

[Dottore]

For the past month or so I’ve been in and out of hospitals, doctor’s offices and labs of various kinds with my father, who’s dying of cancer. He’s 87 and has led a full life. He’s had the cancer for a while, but a month or so ago he had a small stroke which changed him overnight from a dynamic, energetic and intelligent man to a guy just waiting to die.

He was a devout Christian most of his life, but spent the last 20 years or so getting deeper and deeper into Buddhism. He is the “guru” in his large circle of friends; the “go to” guy for advice of all kinds. He was gregarious, widely-read, funny as hell and sharp as a tack.

In fact he was the most “together” guy that most of us knew, and all of us had always imagined that when it was time for him to leave the party he would do so with equanimity and grace.

It’s fascinating to me, and more than a little sad, that this is not the case. In recent weeks he has become bitter about disappointments he has suffered and opportunities he has missed—which I assumed had long been forgotten.

He studiously avoided conflicts with my mother all of his life—because he preferred harmony to strife—but now that there is no longer any reason to be polite he is frequently very cutting and cruel in his remarks to her.

I took him aside the other day and asked him what he was feeling. What was making him so angry so late in the day.

He thought about that a long while and finally said: “I made too many compromises. I didn’t risk enough. I didn’t follow my heart enough. I was always the nice guy. I wasn’t honest enough with myself. And now I realize what a waste of a life this was.”

I assured him he was being too hard on himself, but still, it was one of the very saddest comments I have ever heard.

A buddy of mine often says, “The only thing you definitely won’t regret on your deathbed are the hours you didn’t spend in the office. And the only thing you definitely will regret on your deathbed are the women you didn’t feck.”

Sorta sums it up.

I thought I’d share this deep wisdom with you.

[Amail]

Wow.

Strokes are weird things. It can affect more than just your right or left side control - it can alter your personality.

I hope that isn't the case here, and that instead he is hitting out at his debilitating condition. If he's "just" bitter about what is happening to him, it's vital to get him to understand what a positive influence he's been for so many others.

I think everyone harbors regrets, whether verbalized or not, about something meaningful in their life. The trick is to weigh that against the things you don't regret and come away feeling you're at the better end of it.

Not long ago I remember thinking I didn't risk enough. So, I risked. Unfortunately for me, it has been a terrible ordeal and I fervently wish I had not risked.

I balance that against what my relationship with my family means to me, and to them. How there is this goofy, lovable spark in my corner of the world because of what me and my family are. And how my kids and grandkids all have a bit of me in them. My outlook, my beliefs, my attitude.

I think the most good you can do as a human being is to enrich the lives of the people you encounter. It sounds to me he is a sterling man, and has lived a very useful life. Your task is to make sure he understands this.

Good luck.

[Laneco]

No life is ever wasted that raises a son like you.

angela

[azasadny]

I'm very sorry your father feels this way and I will pray for him (and you). My grandfather went through all of this several years ago and he got through the "process" just fine and eventually died a "good death" and was satisfied with his life. He had some bad days, but he really cheered up whenever he visited with his grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

[mikester]

I friend of mine had a stroke a few years ago - he was well into his 60s at the time. Prior to the stroke I won't say he was a saint but he was much more gentle with his words and interactions with people.

He was a pretty nice guy but still, being an old guy who didn't hold back sometimes he said things that people didn't take well (me included).

After the stroke every conversation was like this. It got to the point where I really couldn't stand to be around him much because he was so abrasive and cruel. He still try to do the things that he did normally and was generally successful - most people were very forgiving of his new personality based on long friendships. I tried to be as well but over time and through general circumstances (my kids being born) I spent less and less time doing the things we did together.

My grandfather in his later 80s himself appears to have had a few mild strokes over the last year. More and more he's loosing the person he was, he too has shown much more anger and frustration. I think that may be a result of the impairment - ease to frustration and the willingness to tolerate less.

Strokes are lame.

I can see having regrets in my life when looking back on it but I hope that those who are close to me will remind me about what I have to be proud of and distract me from those regrets.

[Seahawk]

I sincerely hope that what your Father felt was an aberration, a transient emotion as he works through the scenes of his well led life.

I second Angela's post and wish you and your Father wisdom and strength.

[imcarthur]

I am going through this with my 56 year old brother. In his case, he really has flushed it. I took him in last week because he can't live alone anymore. A long story but he too has gotten nasty & said "I wasted it". He has weeks to live.

My mother alienated all of her friends in the last year of her life. She even heckled me when I was giving a tribute speech at a memorial after my father's death.

Yeah, I have seen bitter.

Ian

[widgeon13]

your father is most likely experiencing the "five stages of grief". Sorry to hear this but it is very normal.

I thought life was supposed to become more simple as we age but instead it becomes more complex. Dealing with elderly parents is much more difficult than raising a child in my mind but is some ways they are very similar.

I know where you're coming from.

[RoninLB]

Originally Posted by Amail

Strokes are weird things. It can affect more than just your right or left side control - it can alter your personality.

Originally Posted by mikester

After the stroke every conversation was like this. It got to the point where I really couldn't stand to be around him much because he was so abrasive and cruel.

Strokes are lame.

Strokes are mini brain damage. Females deal with it easier than males.

Nothing to be happy about when your world has been cut to pieces. Not enough emotional control left to put your thought in context to those around you. Not enough concentration to overcome the anxiety. Nothing anyone can do to you so why give a $hitt about anything else you do while waiting to be planted. Nothing to fear 'cause what's the worst that can happen?

the only thing family and friends can do is be patient, never interrupt or criticize, wait for him to focus on something/anything and be ready to assist that focus.


and help yourself neutralize routine "guilt" when a loved one passes by loving him all the more while you still have time



only my take

[RPKESQ]

Just as you will remember your Father at his best, he needs to be reminded of his past greatness. I always take the time to thank my parents for the love and wisdom they have instilled in me. What I have acheived is all due to their input and support. Make sure he knows this. Speak plainly.

You cannot do this enough IMO.

When the clock is ticking faster and faster, it all looks dark. Don't hold it against him.

[The Gaijin]

It is tough getting old. Tougher on us males I think..

[svandamme]

My grandfather was 82, he was a little light in the head in the last years,literally lightened up a bit ( he had tough memories about WW2, and force laborer in Dresden, never spoke much about it, recycled everything, not wasting things), he had become softer, but forgetful but he was vital, he still did his daily walks around town, took grandma around who wasn't as strong physically as he was.. He even still drove his car.

Then one day, after he had done grocery run in his car, came home, sat in his lazyboy style seat... And then grandma noticed that he wasn't responding anymore... he went to the hospital, stroke, never woke up again...Brain swelling, coma, went out like a candle while i held his hand...

Doc says he never noticed a thing of what happened. And if he did at all notice anything, he didn't suffer one bit.

Another man was in the hospital at the same time as he was, same deal.. our family and his family were both there 24/7 to be there for our grandpa's... The other guy pulled through, but was pretty much deaf dumb and blind afterwards...


It sounds harsh to say, but if you get a stroke, hope that the first one is a heavy one, or hardly a stroke at all... This is one thing where the middle way is the worst thing to have.

[Looking_for_911]

He thought about that a long while and finally said: “I made too many compromises. I didn’t risk enough. I didn’t follow my heart enough. I was always the nice guy. I wasn’t honest enough with myself. And now I realize what a waste of a life this was.”

Without realizing it he gave you - as well as all of us - most excellent advice. Turn around what he said a bit and that would be a great way to actually Live life.
Follow your heart. Be nice. Be honest with oneself. Take risks. Don't compromise...except when absolutely necessary. To me he was telling you how to live your life.
Good luck and God bless!

[m21sniper]

Originally Posted by Dottore

A buddy of mine often says, “The only thing you definitely won’t regret on your deathbed are the hours you didn’t spend in the office. And the only thing you definitely will regret on your deathbed are the women you didn’t feck.”

Sorta sums it up.

I thought I’d share this deep wisdom with you.

I live my life by this motto.

[lane912]

+1 +1

quote de dottore

a buddy of mine often says, “the only thing you definitely won’t regret on your deathbed are the hours you didn’t spend in the office. And the only thing you definitely will regret on your deathbed are the women you didn’t feck.”



sorta sums it up.



i thought i’d share this deep wisdom with you.

i live my life by this motto.

[12own911]

As a stroke survivor I can understand where your father is coming from... a stroke can alter or turn off your ability to censor yourself. It's like it just goes away. You can no longer censor... you can try but it is very hard work to do... more so then you would think. Since I was under 40 when I had my stroke I have been taught to try to censor but it is still very difficult. For your dad it may be impossible to relearn to censor. Just tell everyone to not take what he says personally... he really does not mean to speak what he knows will hurt.

[Dottore]

Originally Posted by RoninLB

Nothing to be happy about when your world has been cut to pieces. Not enough emotional control left to put your thought in context to those around you. Not enough concentration to overcome the anxiety. Nothing anyone can do to you so why give a $hitt about anything else you do while waiting to be planted. Nothing to fear 'cause what's the worst that can happen?

the only thing family and friends can do is be patient, never interrupt or criticize, wait for him to focus on something/anything and be ready to assist that focus.

Thanks everyone for the various helpful insights and comments. These were very much appreciated.

The above quote nails it for me.

I also came across a great book a few days ago that I now consider a "must read" for friends and family of stroke victims.

It's called "A Stroke of Insight" and is written by brain specialist who herself suffered a massive stroke and an early age, worked very hard to recover from it, and then proceeded to write a book about her experience.

This book is currently a bestseller and available everywhere, and it's a very quick read. But after having read it you will have a much better understanding of how the stroke victim feels, and be able to deal with them much more appropriately and effectively.

I can't recommend this book highly enough.