what to do?

[Dottore]

So my father has been quite ill for some time, and passed away a week ago.

During the past few months he has been increasingly weak, so I hired a full time Filipino caregiver to help my mother look after him, as I had to be out of town from time to time. This caregiver was with my parents for two months, and I hired her on the recommendation of a friend in my parents church. (She's a member of their church and has been for some time—so they trusted her.).

Long story short, now that my father is gone, my brother and I, as executors, have been going through his things, and it seems to us that much of his stuff has been pilfered. For example he had an enormous collection of silver dollars at one point, and this is gone. Neither of us have seen this in a number of years, but we know how much energy my father put into this hobby and are pretty sure he didn't sell the collection. Besides, he didn't need the money.

The same is true for his watches, and cameras and pens. He collected these things all of his life, and had some wonderful pieces, but now they are almost all gone.

Our gut tells us this could only have been the caregiver. (My parents live in a very secure high-rise building). But we have zero proof. And there is always the possibility that he gave these things away in the months before he died—though we all find that unlikely. These were all things that he loved.

My brother wants to get the police involved. I'm saying let it go. I mean if the caregiver actually pilfered these things they will have been fenced long ago. And if we are wrong about this, she would get into a lot of difficulty as I suspect there are some past irregularities in her immigration status. (though not for the time she was with my parents.)

So although we're both pretty sure it was her, I think we should just leave this alone. I see nothing to be gained by it—the stuff is gone—and a lot of potential harm if we are wrong.

What say you?

[bell]

Imo.....theives should be caught and prosecuted, especially the ones who are trusted in that situation.
I would pay a visit to your local sherif, and explaine.
They can do some fingerprinting in the areas where things were kept.....if they are not of the immediate family it kinda answers your question and you could move forward then.....
If she did actually do that (we don't know yet) she should be made an example of....this stuff just turns my stomach.........

[kaisen]

Sorry to hear about your father. My respects.

[Drdogface]

Also let me offer my sympathies to you and your Mom.

Very same thing happened to my Dad due to a caregiver...incl silver coins. He had boxes of them. We had no proof either and actually didn't discover them lost until some time later.

If she has immigration issues then I'd look into it. This kind of thing is incredibly common...theft by caregivers. I agree, contact law enforcement and see if they can help. You might also find out if others who have used her have lost stuff to. Hard to prove and damn shameful.

[Racerbvd]

Sorry for you loss, the only thing worse than a thief is one that takes advantage of the elderly I say go with Bell's idea, or you can bluff her letting her know that she was caught on Nanny cam and you will give her a chance to make it right before going to the police.

Again,
Sorry for your loss....

[HardDrive]

I am sorry for your loss.

Perhaps his friends/associates would know if he parted with them?

[pwd72s]

Sorry for the loss of your father. Bell's advice seems sound to me.

[livi]

Sorry for your loss and the predicament you are now facing. I would perhaps weight in how your father felt about this person. Did he appreciate and like here? Was she a positive factor during his last period in life? If so, I would be more ready to let it go. If she did good toward your father, thats more important than stuff.

[Seahawk]

My condolences for your loss, Dottore.

Have you talked to your Mom?

[Chocaholic]

Originally Posted by Seahawk

My condolences for your loss, Dottore.

Have you talked to your Mom?

This seems the obvious question. If he gave away or sold off his belongings, it seems she would know.

In any case...they are just "things". Granted, they meant a lot to him and are of sentimental value to you and your siblings, but they are just things. Certainly not the kind of things you would sell to make money...so I have to agree with you. Let it go. You have no proof and no evidence, and no realistic hope of getting them back anyway. But, you have your memories and those can't be stolen by anyone.

Sorry for your loss.

[Dottore]

Originally Posted by Seahawk

My condolences for your loss, Dottore.

Have you talked to your Mom?

Yes of course. She has no idea. She never took much of an interest in the various things he was collecting. He has a large office/library with tons of built in cupboards full of stuff.

I'm convinced the potential downside of getting the police involved is at this point greater than the upside. My brother is from LA, and I think his inclination to involve the police also reflects the different expectations that he has about police involvement in a situation of this sort.

Here the police will not get involved absent some clear evidence of a crime, and even then they will be reluctant to get involved because they refer to this kind of thing as a "victimless crime" since (from their perspective) it is an insurance matter. But if they do get involved, and the Filipina was innocent, she could potentially have her life ruined by such an investigation.

[imcarthur]

Sorry to hear about your father, Dottore. I went through similar with my mother 5 years ago but was fortunate to find a trustworthy housekeeper - and I was quite generous afterwards because of her help.

I agree with your assessment that short of actual evidence, more harm than good is likely to come of it. How would your mother cope with the police & possible court appearance - if it ever came to that?

Ian

[Seahawk]

Just touching all the bases, my friend...I figured you had and was interested in her opinion as well as yours.

Originally Posted by Dottore

Yes of course. She has no idea. She never took much of an interest in the various things he was collecting. He has a large office/library with tons of built in cupboards full of stuff.

I am leaning Ian's way, frankly, because it jibes with your first assessment...attempting to regain material loss (especially without clear evidence) is rarely worth the emotional cost.

You'll do the right thing because you think and ponder and work through options. I respect your opinions and I bet your Father was proud of you and your siblings...again, my condolences and I wish you and your family the best possible in this time.

Originally Posted by imcarthur

I agree with your assessment that short of actual evidence, more harm than good is likely to come of it. How would your mother cope with the police & possible court appearance - if it ever came to that?

Ian

[s_morrison57]

Sorry for your loss and I want to mention that I hate people that take advantage when put in a position of trust. Have you talked to the people that recomended her, other people that she has worked for, have they had similar things happen to them. You will probably recover none of your Dad's stuff from her as i have found in my past experience's that people from
3rd world countries are excellent thieves, they have been stealing to survive and been doing it for generations so Its ok, they think different, they resent you because you hired them to do a job for cheaper than you would pay a Canadian nurse/caregiver, evan if they said what they wanted for pay, it would be low so you would hire them so they could steal. A bad day at work for these people is a day they can't take anything. I don't mean to sound jaded but its just my experiances with people from third world countries. Have you tried checking the local coin dealers or pawn shops for some of your dads stuff?

[Looking_for_911]

Sorry for your loss.....hope all goes well for you and your family.

[stomachmonkey]

Don't have much to offer but my condolences.

[island911]

It would be horrible to falsely accuse any hospice type people.

I say let whomever is interested in discretely figuring out where this stuff may have gone, do so.

Let it go.

Sorry for you loss. BTDT a few years ago w/ my dad.

[DARISC]

My condolences to you and your family, Mark.

I agree with you; leave it alone - and try your best to forget about it lest memories of your father's life and passing be sullied by the base act of another.

However, there is the question: What do you believe your father would want you to do?

[Shaun @ Tru6]

My condolences for losing your father. I appreciate your desire to leave it alone and agree in terms of getting authorities involved. It sounds like you have some acceptance and closure, but perhaps your brother does not and needs something more.

In a non-confrontational way, I would ask the caregiver to come in and ask her is she knows of your father giving away these precious things in the last few months or perhaps she may know their whereabouts. Her reaction will most likely give you and especially your brother the information you need to put this to rest. Again, this isn't about an inquisition but rather needing her help in locating these treasures.

[Dottore]

Thanks everyone for the kind words.

We have decided to let this go, for the simple reason that we cannot be sure that my father (who was always a very generous man) didn't give all this stuff away to some of his many friends in the last year or so of his life. We find this unlikely somehow because of how attached he was to these things all of his life, but of course strange things can happen when you realize that you are on that long last ride.

We just don't want to take the chance of completely buggering up this girls life without any evidence that she was involved.

Thanks all though for your input.