My buddy got caught cheating, justifiable, or is he a dirtbag??
 

So my good buddy , got caught with another woman last week. I think he actually got caught in the act so there is no denying what went on.
They are not married, but they do have a kid together. They have been together for 13 some years now. They seem to get along really well, we hang out with them quite a bit, and I really do think they have a pretty good relationship.
But he has been complaining that he never gets any nookie. He told me a while back that he has had sex less than 5 times in the last two years. He told me that when the opportunity ( with the other woman ) presented itself, he could not resist. He said that after the kid came, all shenanigans in the bedroom came to a screeching halt.
While I feel bad for her, I cant help to think that if you are not taking of your man, you should not be all that surprised when he looks elsewhere .
Me and my lady had a long discussion about this last night, and of course she thinks he is scum for what he did, but I cant help to defend him a little bit.
What do you guys think??

dirtbag IMHO

Five times in two years ain't right. Hard to tell from your description if the lack-o-nookie is his doing, or hers....most likely, he's not even sure. So, will only vote "present" on this one. Not enough info, and you will never know the whole story regardless.

If he is getting that little action over a 2 year period, I would assume there is some underlying issue, although (IMHO) that does not excuse his actions.

dirtbag

I was married to a woman who was frigid. It would go months. I never cheated. But man was it tempting. He should have found out what the problem was before going somewhere else. But to make a clear call we would need pictures of both women.

I think you made a big mistake by not agreeing with her. How was it sleeping on the couch last night? :)

Sure he made a mistake, but obviously there are issues that need to be addressed in that relationship. Hopefully for him this will serve as a catalyst to make that happen. His biggest mistake though was letting the problem go unresolved for 5 years!

I need to see pics of both women to accurately judge this matter.

So his relationship was crap, and now it's really really crap.

There is a lot more to this that you know. I am in the same boat, just add 12 years to the relationship and 5 more to the coldness.
Where as I have never cheated, I can tell you, that, it is very very hard to say no when the opportunity presents itself.
You will never know the reasons for your friends actions, and he won't be able to put them into the words to explain how he feels.
Like others have said, there is more going on here than just the lack of the horizontal mambo. And like the others have said, we should have pics. (that was a joke on my part)
I don't judge people so I would say your friend is just that, your friend.

He took the path of least resistance.

He did not confront the "real" issues with the common law wife...so took the easy way out...and went with someone that could waken his dormant sensual side.

I feel bad for all three really. He is not a dirt bag...just typical of someone that wanted the easy way out.

Yasin

The thought of banging the same ole' bag for the next 50 years is what keeps me single. ALL of my married friends have the same mutual complaint (no sex, especially after kids). Some of them cheat (or want to).

The day they stop making new poon is the day I'll get married.

I have always thought men are only as faithful as their options. You have to control your options.

Not a dirt bag, but maybe a cry for help from his SO.

Sex for men is a basic need, just like water.

He should have left first....but he had every right to chase the strange pussy....

This sounds like your friend is looking for attention.
And this is how to get it, let yourself get caught doing something that you should not be doing unless it is one of the ground rules and been previously discussed and agreed on.

Though your friend is now out of integrity with himself and his SO, there are more than a few underlying problems with this relationship.
If he has waited for 5 years to do something about his lack of, then he has truly been getting all that he has been asking for.
These actions are common ways for people to make changes in a relationship when talking isnt one of the ways that they can use to resolve conflict.

The woman thats not taking care of her man must have reasons and the man thats not getting any must also have had a part in causing the shut down from the woman`s nourishment

Less than 5 times in two years? Something is really, really wrong and that needs to be addressed.

There are 24 hours in a day. Take off 9 for sleeping and personal hygiene, leaves 15. Leaves 15. Full time work? Between commute and work, that's at least 10. Now you have 5. Hope the baby sleeps through the night... Our daughter didn't until she was nearly 3.

Add house work and child duties and you're less than zero... Every day. Forget about putting your feet up for a few hours and watching a movie, cracking open a beer, messing around with a hobby. Before we even get into any hormonal changes, the absolute lack of time has effectively quashed everything that resembles a sex drive.

This is a painful truth. No one ever wants to admit this, but sex "shortages" are often a time management issue. One partner manages to have spare time. The other does not. The one with the time has the same exact sex drive and the opportunity to found another outlet. The other has sacraficed the time for sex, for time with the baby or other duties.

If your wife loves and is attracted to you, and YOU want more sex. Then give HER more time. And baby, you'd better eat your wheaties when she has more time.

angela

This is a great analysis. The way to approach his problem would have been:

- Serious attempt to fix the issues in current relationship (all the way up to counseling)
- If it is a "no-go": end the current relationship.
- Look for new woman.

Saying "I don't get any, so it is okay to sleep around" is a very weak argument.

Stupid question: Why aren't they married?

George

If they were together for 13 years and he had not offered to marrry her...then she should have gotten the clue. She is just a temporary sex partner/friend with benefits...and when the benefits dry up/do not meet standards...

Too bad there was a child involved.

Sorry, dirtbag.

First of all, bringing a child into a relationship when you aren't even able to commit to a marriage is a bit suspect.

Putting that aside, cheating is never justifiable. If you can't deal with the relationship, end it like a man and move on.