Relationship and Emotional Dysfunction
 

I just placed some counseling advice in another thread and I have no business doing so. I am an idiot. This post is going to be about relationships and my dysfunction, so if you're not into that I suggest the "back" button. I'm just expressing myself I guess. Nobody really needs to read this.

Like many men, I am not self-aware. I have no better idea how I feel than someone looking at me. Seriously. Several times in recent years I have noticed my cheek is wet...then noticed my eye was leaking and, wondering about the cause of that, discovered I had a SPLITTING headache. That is how self-aware I am.

I have virtually no memory of my childhood. I think something happened, or didn't happen, at that time that continues to strangle me. I put on a great facade. Everyone thinks I am charming, intelligent (well, except the folks on PARF), handsome, effective, blah blah. I can barely concentrate through my ongoing depression enough to make it to meetings on time.

I fell madly in something (love, infatuation, whatever....) in my early twenties and made a decision that this was the One. We married and had two beautiful children. My relationship with this woman was like oil and water. Except for the beautiful children, we should never have met, let alone got married. The power struggle went on another 23 years and ended in divorce.

I am struggling to offer a short, to-the-point story here rather than a novel.

I had entered into that relationship with my heart, against all logic and advice. When it ended, I vowed to heal (I was verbally and emotionally abused....seriously) and I also vowed to never make another romantic decision with my heart. If I were going to enter into another relationship, it would be a rational decision. That vow has come back to haunt me now.

Couple of years ago I meet a woman. I did not fall in love and was not infatuated. But she was infatuated with me. We continued to see each other. I sort of "went along" with this while she increasingly regarded the relationship as committed, exclusive, etc. This has been going on nearly three years now. We do not live together. We live nearly an hour apart. But...we see each other a couple times per week.

That's all over now. Long story. Mostly, it is over because I didn't want it to go on. Why didn't I want it to go on? Because I never had infatuation feelings. My vow was apparently somewhat meaningless. If I could make a romantic decision with my head, I would commit to be with this woman. She is a leggy, slender redhead. Nice face.....52 years old and no lines whatsoever. Attractive, though she almost never wear makeup. Hard-working. Positive attitude. Patience of a saint. Absolutely 100% trustworthy. Frugal. Creative. Likes blues music. Interests and values similar to mine. Resourceful. She has all the greatest qualities a mate could have....in spades. Just a truly remarkable, wonderful woman. And now, I have to live with the knowledge that I've wasted her time and crushed her feelings. I am a ****head.

And why do I lack the ability to commit to that relationship? Because I'm imagining there is something else. I am imagining that my heart will tell me when commitment is the right thing to do. Infatuation, or whatever......

In the back of my mind I am wondering if perhaps I could get my sch!t together, find the hurt little boy I left behind, learn to like myself, develop the capacity to love others, and then reconnect with this woman when I've gained some sense and some capacity for that. Trouble is......she'll be gone by that time.

On the one hand, I am worried this is one of the greatest mistakes of my life (and quite frankly, that's saying something). On the other hand, perhaps (and this seems true) I simply do not have the capacity, the ability, the emotional centeredness, to make a commitment.

I kinda hope nobody reads this. I'm not sure there is an answer and just needed to "journal." If somebody reads this and would like to scold me, bring it on and lay it thick. I deserve it.

Bro, life never really makes sense or gets easy. These decisions never become anything other than labored and confusing. All you can do is stumble your way through life on a daily basis the best you can, and take faith in the fact that you won't have to suffer for very long, because death comes for all of us eventually. Don't worry about is this the right thing, is this the wrong thing, blah, blah, blah. Cause you could make every decision the right one, and be responsible in every way, and you'll still end up just as dead as what others perceive to be a stupid, fk up, me first guy who lives for today and ignores tomorrow.

I think what i'm saying is, don't sweat the small stuff. Have fun. As much as you can...because none of us will be here for very long.

PS: To me an intimate relationship with a woman you see 2-3 times a week is absolutely ideal.

PSS: I do NOT have it "all figured out," however, i have learned that by simply not worrying and fretting over everything or tying to over-analyze things that my life is a hell of a lot more pleasant.

Supe, what you had was a best friend. Too bad the love wasn't there.

I kinda did it backwards from you. I married the "smart choice" using my head, rather than my heart. It lasted 8 years and, you guessed it, divorce.

So don't feel bad, man. All is fair in love and war, and you made the right non-commitment on the second gal. Some guys in your situation would have married her and ended up getting divorce #2 down the road.

Soup, you're not alone. Some high-level background on my 'quest for self-awareness':

Last year, right around this time, some medical issues came to a head. I'm like any other guy, don't go to the doctor unless I feel I am going to die - or worse, not be able to perform sexually. While I wasn't fearing death, there was a persistent condition that wouldn't go away. Test after test - six months of scans, probes, and biopsies, until finally had to deal with general anasthesia for the first time in my 35 years. Couldn't have been better news - a gigantic, benign salivary cyst that, due to the weird positioning in my neck- was near-impossible to diagnose. No malignancy, plus a sexy new scar to show off. Disco. Surgical scar? No no, that's a memory of a knife fight in Juarez, where I was defending my woman's honor against 20 carteleros.

Putting it all together afterward, I realized that I had been scared scheissless about the whole affair. Never could express it or even feel it - I just noticed, in hindsight, some really weird-ass behaviors and tendencies that manifested during the six months of testing.

Well fast forward to November, I've got a completely new, and completely different "something" in my throat again. MRI tomorrow morning. Fk'ing great.

Once again - I'm not processing the emotions. They're there somewhere, though - the same weird behavior I finally recognized from last year, is rearing it's head again, and in spades. We are some seriously screwed up, dysfunctional creatures.

What am I trying to say? Beats me. Uh...I mean, yes, you are a ****head. But I think you're getting on top of things by at least realizing that fact. That means you can work past it/through it.

This woman, wonderful as she is, isn't the 'one'. You know that, and sad as it is, you can't change it. Is there another woman out there that will give you that emotional response. Maybe not. But if there is, I'm willing to bet you'll be able to recognize it and process it.

The depression is priority #1, relationships are #2. It would be a real misfortune if she were the one but you can't see it.

hang in there sup, many lights came on in my head with what you wrote. being alone plays tricks on my mind, my mind says i am happier alone, my heart not so much.

t

That's exactly right. And true love requires extreme vulnerability. Jim's not ready for that... Understandably.

Right woman, wrong time.

There's nothing wrong with you, Jim. Nothing at all.

You and I must absolutely share a few beers together before this journey ends.

Thanks, guys. I appreciate the feedback. I see the wisdom in it, too. Very helpful.

Dave. Dave Dave Dave. Bro. We've got to get in touch with ourselves. We've got to find out what's going on in there. 'Cuz you know as well as I do that the feeling of blissful ignorance gets shattered from time to time when the Demon decides to be HEARD. Perhaps this is not making sense, but I just have these crushing emotional experiences every several years or so, and it's coming from inside. Something wants out. You get that too?

I'll drink to that.

BTW Moses, just in the interest of a progress report, remember that granddaughter with gastroskesis? She is the most beautiful creature in the world. If you PM me an email address, I'll forward a pic.

Jim

Nope. Probably haven't felt a real emotion in 10+ years. Other than my daughter being born, but that's been pure joy to date. Agreed though, not at all healthy.

Lights went off for me as well. But, I ask myself almost the opposite question re: my marriage--did I fall in love with the passionate side and ignore my big head? Have I made a choice from the heart to the detriment of other needs and desires? Are we just too different in what we think a healthy marriage should be?

I don't have answers...hell, I can't even figure out what the questions are sometimes.

Maybe Snipe has it figured out....an attitude my brother seems to embrace. Be like a dog...eat when you're hungry, drink when you're thirsty, fuch when you're horny....don't try to analyze or overthink things so much.

This is a ticking time bomb, Dave. Right now, as folks can see or at least imagine, I am having some emotional agony. It's painful, but I'm managing. A few years ago I had another emotional experience to deal with and I was not so lucky. I was not hospitalized, but it took several doctors and some pretty regulated drugs to get the tapes to stop playing in my head. I was truly a mess. I am fearful right now of a relapse of that. I think I'll be okay, but it's just another shot across my bow. I'm not going to ignore this one. I'm going to pursue this numbness problem before it rises up and smites me, or another innocent bystander, again.

I totally agree. And if we don't analyze things (relationships included) to death we might actually enjoy them.

I found that once the emotions shut down life became easier to deal with. Not giving a crap can be a blessing.
I used alcohol to numb myself, and after I had quit drinking, I had no desire to feel anything.
Not that any of that helps ya in any way, but I kinda know what you mean.

Been there, first half story very similar.
I really think that the depression plays a huge deal in all of this, sort of a mini-suicide kind of thing. Need to get a handle on your own self confidence and thought process before you try to figure the relationship thing out.

Don't deny yourself pleasure-roll with it. So you screwed up once-doesn't mean you're doomed forever.

Heh, it is funny. Some of my close friends tell me that they consider me their 'rock'. As in, I'm always the same old Dave, nothing gets me down, I'm always smiling and persevering. This I take as the highest compliment, as I am humbled by the opportunity to be of service to my friends. Nonetheless, it seems like there might be a lesson there, somewhere.

I almost feel like I'd let everybody down if I had a meltdown. :D

This thread is about you though - don't let me highjack. The Dave abides. Coming from a fellow dysfunctional guy, I don't think you lost an opportunity here. If anything, you stayed too long and perhaps missed other opportunities. My crystal-ball prediction - when the right woman comes along, she will elicit that emotional response within you. The challenge for you will be to learn from your experiences in approaching it...yet without overthinking it. That seems to be when we are our own worst enemies. Over-analyzing.

Had a girlfriend, can't even remember which anymore, that would regularly blow up at my tendency to overanalyze. Guilty as charged....

bingo

I've been thinking about this a lot recently. Married twice, divorced twice, dated a number of women since the last divorce over the past 5 years. Still get along great with ex wife #2 as we have to parent the boy. But she is a great intellectual match. Smart, funny, tall, attractive, makes good money. But lack of a real physical relationship and some issues over not speaking up for things proved to be too much in the end. After that I fell in love a number of times, but each time it didn't work and finally I sorted out part of the issue. I was in love with the *idea* of being madly in love. I felt that it had to be head-over-heels or nothing. And when you combine that with a fear of being alone, bad choices get made.

Fast forward to a little over two years ago. I meet a woman who is a good fit, I start my usual pattern, then *she* wigs out due to an ex. I backed off and finally retrenched my position. At that point I vowed to date more than one person and not utter the "L" word for at least the next 6 months. I did just that, seeing a couple of different people, and the one who wigged out re-entered the scene. At this point she had done her retrenching as well. We began dating again but I went way slow, still seeing other people. Finally after about 6 months I stopped seeing anyone else. Uttered the "L" word but didn't go beyond that and was very clear about being "one day at a time", "enjoy the moment" and not making any long-term commitments.

Fast forward to today, we're still together. She wants to move in, but I've held off so far. Why? Well, part of it is because I actually like having time to myself. Plus I want to go slow dealing with the issues around my son. But I'm also not in that maniacal "oh, gotta have her, she'll leave if I don't move heaven and earth for her" mind set. I love her a lot, and love spending time with her. She is a great intellectual and physical match. But I'm not maniacally "madly in love" with her. And to be honest, I think that actually might be the best thing for long term prospects. There is something seductive about the burning passion, but I have found the downsides outweigh the positive. The rush just isn't worth the mistakes.

ymmv. And we may move in together this summer. I'll have to see how I feel tomorrow :p

Supe / Dave / Others,

You need help. No joking here. You need professional help. Some kind of Head Doc or therapist. I am not up on the different varieties and there are a few.

I really mean it. A good therapist can open those doors and make the color come back to life.

Good luck all of you. You can do it.

Larry