Needs some advice - roommate/friend

[WolfeMacleod]

Back in September I moved a friend of mine up from San Franscisco. He was wanting to move back to Seattle, I was needing a roomate to help with bills, rent, etc, because business was (and still is) painfully slow.
The agreement was for him to pay $500/mo. Out tof the $1870 total rent. A steal.
It's now March, and he's still not working. And the bills are piling up.

About two months ago, he supposedly got hired at Greenpeace as a recruiter...you know, those people who bug you to join and stuff. Well, after about two weeks or so, he confessed that he wasn't working. They coulnd't complete the hire becasue he'd lost his social and birth cert during the move...no proof of eligibility to work. He freaked out and went on a drinking binge for a bit and then came clean. He's doing AA now.
So he got his papers replaced, and then said they completed the hire. BUT... orientation kept being pushed back because the person in charge was sick or out of the office for one reason or another. This happened for a solid month. He DID get dressed up several times and take off in the morning, only to return with that excuse... It's plausible...but for a whole month?

Now, my friend and I go back to 1995....and I don't want it to come to kicking his butt to the curb. He's one of my best friends. But, he's what, $3000 behind on his rent now? He does do stuff around the house when I ask him to. But usually, it's a 3/4-assed job.

I know he's having a few problems with depression... which makes it even more difficult for me to make a tough decision.

I say he should take anything he can get untill he can find something better. He's got some skills. He was a CNA for quite a while, but let his certification lapse. $800 to re-certify. His last job he worked as fire-extinguisher refill/testing tech or soemthing like that. He's a competent musician...


How long is too long? He's pushing my limit right now, but.. if he leaves, I probably don't collect. If he works, I collect.

If he works and I don't collect any $ on his first paycheck, the choice is clear....

[Tishabet]

You just learned a $3,000 lesson; boot to the curb, and if he's really your friend your friendship will continue. That might not be the most popular thing for me to say, but I have been there and done that... and we are still friends.

[Rick Lee]

If you need the money, I'd toss him today and get another roommate. This guy will never pay you.

[M.D. Holloway]

Sounds like he is going through the motions but has no interest or intent on busting into something close to a job. Tough call. Friends are important. With all due respect, he sounds like he is taking advantage of you - problem is, how do you stop it? Not sure how close you guys are but I do know that many of my friends would be all sorts of into my shyt if I tried anything like this and I into theirs. Maybe its time for a guy-2-guy sitdown and come to Jesus meet'n?

[WolfeMacleod]

Originally Posted by Rick Lee

If you need the money, I'd toss him today and get another roommate. This guy will never pay you.

My girlfriend and her nephew are planning on moving in in July... so he's out then anyways most likely.

In related news, I printed out and left an application for a job at a local movie theater on his desk last night. Think he's getting ready to go turn it in now...

[Superman]

Leopards don't change their spots. Alcoholics are the world's most accomplished liars. At a minimum, your conversations with this friend need to be un-gentle. Be impossible to misinterpret.

[911Rob]

If he's a buddy, then rough it out until July; just tell him how disappointed you are and stay on top of it. I'll agree with most here though, like Superman said especially; so beware.

Your budget should include nothing from this guy; ever.
Hope you can be a positive influence on him and focus on the solution, not the problem

[RWebb]

"Hey - we've been friends for a long time and I value that. But you know my own finances aren't the greatest right now and I need money right now. You are gonna have to find another place to live."

Then put a time limit on it. Maybe 2 days, maybe 3. Do NOT change the time limit. Put his stuff out on the curb if you have to. Be sure to call a locksmith to change the locks.

Continue to help him once he's out - buy him a [root] beer, lunch. Talk to him, pass him some contact info for therapy, etc.

But you have to get him out. It'll be good for him - eventually.

[svandamme]

when i do any kind of deal involving a friend, i will run the numbers, to the cent, and make sure they add up....I'll throw any kind of error correctin percentage, their way...


That's my commitment, to my friend.

Any kind of failure on my friends behalf, ill give the benefit of the doubt once , twice, and the third time, i'll just eat my loss, and bail from whatever agreement i had.

If possible, i'll still consider him my friend, who's on notice. And i will still offer advice if i have any to give.
If he on the other hand no longer wants to be my friend, cause i bailed...
So be it. I can live with myself, he needs to live with himself...

[911Rob]

My wife and I have a rule when helping friends; and we've helped alot. Figure out what it's gonna cost and then ask yourself would you give them that money. If yes, then do it and ask for nothing in return. Nothing. If not, then dont do it.

When I tell them my answer, I tell them this above. Its been working for us. Most times its no now though.

[TechnoViking]

Friends don't take advantage of each other. He's taking advantage of you.

[Looking_for_911]

Originally Posted by 911Rob

My wife and I have a rule when helping friends; and we've helped alot. Figure out what it's gonna cost and then ask yourself would you give them that money. If yes, then do it and ask for nothing in return. Nothing. If not, then dont do it.

When I tell them my answer, I tell them this above. Its been working for us. Most times its no now though.

This is very close to what a friend told me several years back. I had hit a rough spot when my marriage was ending and was in a financial pinch. I was telling my friend about it all and causally - and quite ashamedly - asked if he could possibly "loan" me some funds.
He said, "No. I can't loan you anything; I can and will give you the money." I argued that I insisted I meant a loan but he'd hear none of it. He told me, "If you can't afford to Give someone something never Loan them anything."
Some of the best advice I ever got. And we are still very good friends today. He has refused my repayment every time I have offered it. And he knows if he ever needs anything.....

[teenerted1]

wow six months with no paying rent...Marc lasted 7 days till i was sick of his *****. i knew him long enough to know better. we had a talk... the next day he was out the door. if i had known what would happen a few months later i think i still would have done the same thing. i might have even given him less leaway.

[Dueller]

****Deep breath***** Wolfie, while you obviously are a good person and a great friend to this guy, you are big time enabling. He hasn't had to fend for himself, feed himself, provide for his own shelter, etc...just go on a binge when he wants to and have a soft, free place to land ...an alcoholic's wet dream.

If you care about this friend its time to get honest and tough. He ain't gonna like it. He's gonna blame you for renegging on the deal...he's gonna play the victim. AND ABSOLUTELY NONE OF IT IS YOUR FAULT. Other than your enabling....I know you mean well and you're trying to be supportive, but in so doing you're hurting his recovery more than helping. Its something you cannot fix...only he can.

You'll know when he's well into recovery when he comes and sincerely apologizes for taking advantage of your kindness (one of the 12 steps). Even if he quits drinking and doesn't come to this realization, he's nothing more than a dry drunk.

[WolfeMacleod]

Originally Posted by Dueller

****Deep breath***** Wolfie, while you obviously are a good person and a great friend to this guy, you are big time enabling. .....Even if he quits drinking and doesn't come to this realization, he's nothing more than a dry drunk.

He hasn't been drinking lately, and I'm very happy for that. I realize I'm enabling... and it's going to have to stop soon. He did go out today to put in that application...at least that's what I'm told.

Ted... I worry about him going the way of Marc.

In other related news, he's no longer munching down my food. His mother, a minister, came to stay for a bit while on sabbatical. She DID offer to pay quite a bit to stay here, and I accepted. He's been eating the food she bought lately. She's in and out, so not here much. Should be going back home by the end of the month.
I took the heat down to 45 degrees earlier this week atfer a couple VERY high bills. Luckily I like it on the colder side, but my GF being from Las Vegas is freezing...

[Gogar]

+1million what everyone said.


In six months, you have TAUGHT him that it's okay not to pay rent.

Now he will NEVER pay you rent.

And he is NEVER going to pay you the back rent.

So put an end to it, for your own health and happiness. Not your problem.

[Rick Lee]

The problem with letting anyone live with you is that they will then legally establish residency and you won't be able to kick them out, even for non-payment of rent or otherwise bad behavior.

[look 171]

I grew up with a guy like that. Always needed money and finally got into some bad stuff with an older woman, a 45-50 year old, this was when we were in our mid 20s. Drugs and booze is bad news. I bail him out many a times until we were in our early 30's. Gave him a job with my construction co just to make ends meet only never to be seen for months as soon as he has a few bucks in his pocket. He was the brother I never had. Now, I don't even talk to him anymore and do not care.

[BGCarrera32]

Originally Posted by WolfeMacleod

... he supposedly got hired at Greenpeace as a recruiter...

And would have been immediately ejected from my residence.

[Rick Lee]

Originally Posted by BGCarrera32

And would have been immediately ejected from my residence.

I was gonna write this too and forgot.