May be single again soon

[jhynesrockmtn]

This group seems to be interested and helpful with relationship difficulties. Dueller's posts about his relationship have been a good cautionary tale for me. I think I've lost my patience with someone I thought I was going to marry. Ugh. I'll call her K.

Short version. I've been divorced for a few years. Met K or actually re met K who I'd been introduced to shortly after my divorce through a mutual friend. The following year the stars aligned, we reconnected and quickly fell into a great relationship. I have two great kids, both in college and doing well. One is 20, the other 18. She has an 11 year old son.

The one issue that has come up about every 3 months is her criticizing how I relate to and/or parent my children. Mind you, two in college, one on an ROTC sholarship, the other a junior doing a double major while working 16-20 hours a week paying her own way as much as possible. Right now, the only thing coming out of her college fund is tuition and books. She earns her own food and incidentals while saving a few thousand a year. They are both good people finding their way in the world. She's had issues with how I've parented, or I should say how their Mom and I have parented them over the last couple of years. To me it's been stupid small stuff. Kid wants a different car, I help him with it. Daughter gets lonely at times. She thinks she needs to be more independant. She lives on her own. At most it's daily phone calls. It's not like she stays with us. She came and borrowed my two labs who she grew up with for a few nights. That set off the speech about how she needs to learn to be comfortable alone.

My attitude has been that the kids have two involved and caring parents who despite being divorced get along well, talk often about how the kids are doing (less over time) and are thankful that they are where they are in life. Smaller issues don't pop up on our radar. K has no idea what teenagers can be like or get involved with.

I'm 47 and don't have the patience for this crap. I don't want or need the typical marriage situation or family life to feel fullfilled. The more this comes up the more I just want some time alone. I can only imagine the discussions if one of my kids were to ever have a real problem.

Is it possible to find a woman who's rationale, willing to take me as I am, doesn't need to mother my kids or opine frequently about their parenting? Someone who is just happy I'm happy, fit, financially in decent shape and don't look like Joseph Merrick, Rodney Dangerfield or Kyle Busch?



Is there any reason to actually get married even if you do find the right woman?

Why haven't I learned yet that people don't change?

[MotoSook]

I'm 39 with kids and a good career. If I ever found myself without a wife, I'd probably never remarry. I'd enjoy raising the kids and then doing what ever pleases me. If a good women comes along I'd spend time with her, but I would never marry her. What's the point if you don't plan to start another family. Being officially married doesn't make for a better relationship.

[McLovin]

Originally Posted by jhynesrockmtn

Short version. I've been divorced for a few years. . . I have two great kids, both in college and doing well. One is 20, the other 18. She has an 11 year old son.

Is there any reason to actually get married even if you do find the right woman?

That's a long post, I've taken out all the unnecessary stuff.

The first paragraph gives all the facts needed. The answer to the second is either (1) no, or (2) no, hell no. (Given that she has an 11 year old kid already, the answer is pref. #2).

Seriously, you've already been married, divorced, raised a family and sent them on their way. Why would you ever want to get remarried??? If you find the "right woman," great, live with her the rest of your life, is she's truly the "right woman" that should be no problem. But there's just no reason to get married at your age and stage in life.

[Superman]

IT doesn't sound like a monumental problem. I mean, it's not like the wedding is scheduled for Saturday. You sound a bit like me in the sense that you don't feel terribly desperate or lonely or insecure. You're single, and that appears to be working for you. This lady friend....is not your wife. Bang her like a screen door and if her parenting advice is not welcome, tell her you're just fine with your current approach and don't need a coach. If she has a problem with your time and efforts toward your children, don't make her problem into your problem.

I know all this sounds trite and I'm not suggesting your concerns are unfounded. Quite the opposite. Stress is not as fun as it used to be, and there are people who should not be a source.

[Zeke]

Jerry, this is a simple one. Your SO is having problems with the time you spend with your kids. She wants more time for her, which is probably a good thing. Whether you can do that or otherwise appease her, is another question.

But take it at that level for a short while and see if I'm on the mark. If so, make a plan. Outright, spoken plans don't work too well. You need to be clever.

[nostatic]

I've been with my g/f for 3 years now. She is very mellow and patient, and doesn't give me any crap about my parenting. She will occasionally offer her opinion if asked, and she gladly helps out but doesn't view herself as a "mom."

There are some sane women out there - but you have to have some clarity to attract them. Took me a long time to figure that out. I went very slow with this relationship, and made my boundaries quite clear. We're going to get a place together next summer, and one of the key topics of conversation is how each of us is going to get enough "alone" time.

The only reason to put up with someone else's crap is if you want to put up with someone else's crap. If you just say, "no" and are a reasonable person, then they will either respect that (and life is good) or they'll leave (and life is good). But you have to be willing/able to be happy alone.

[Hugh R]

I'm 56 and have two good grownup kids, IF something ever happened to my wife, I can't imagine why I'd get married again. I don't see an upside.

[stomachmonkey]

My father was married a whole bunch of times, we are talking more than a couple or even a few.

The only relationship that lasted was the last one who he did not marry.

She had a young daughter from a previous marriage that she needed a good home for and my father needed someone to take care of his house and him.

They both got what they needed from the relationship and it lasted 15 years till he passed.

Me personally, same boat as Soukus and same sentiment.

[Moses]

Originally Posted by jhynesrockmtn

Daughter gets lonely at times. She thinks she needs to be more independant. She lives on her own. At most it's daily phone calls. It's not like she stays with us. She came and borrowed my two labs who she grew up with for a few nights. That set off the speech about how she needs to learn to be comfortable alone.

Are you kidding?

This is a disaster. It's the FRIKKING TITANIC. Run away.

She's is jealous of the nurturing you do as a father. You have good kids who love you. A woman who is emotionally healthy will respect and embrace that. This relationship is toxic. Show her the door. It's gonna get worse.

[Zeke]

I thought the OP's question was more about his relationship than the question of marriage. He only mentions marriage once and that was in reference to basic relationships.

Now, what he doesn't say is how she feels about marriage. It seems most women place a higher value on being married than actually being in the relationship.

[Rick Lee]

I love my wife dearly and we have no plans for kids. We just enjoy doing our own thing too much. If I ever lost her, I'd not remarry. No way could I find another someone as easy going as my wife. I'd be bad (again).

[McLovin]

Originally Posted by milt

I thought the OP's question was more about his relationship than the question of marriage. He only mentions marriage once and that was in reference to basic relationships.

He asked a fairly direct question:

Originally Posted by jhynesrockmtn

Is there any reason to actually get married even if you do find the right woman?

[john70t]

Originally Posted by Moses

Are you kidding?

This is a disaster. It's the FRIKKING TITANIC. Run away.

She's is jealous of the nurturing you do as a father. You have good kids who love you. A woman who is emotionally healthy will respect and embrace that. This relationship is toxic. Show her the door. It's gonna get worse.

This.

The possesive serpent peeked out it's ugly head. Ooops. It will only grow bigger with feeding.

[Zeke]

Originally Posted by McLovin

He asked a fairly direct question:

"more about...."

People get stuck on marriage as if it has to do with anything. It does on legal matters, if that's the answer he's looking for.

[flatbutt]

I've always felt that marriage is for building a future together. My kids were 6 and 4 when we divorced. I put all of my energy into them. I didn't have a social life but I didn't care. I did some dating but most of them b1tched about my focus being to much on my kids and not enough on them. So to the curb they went.

Now I'm 58, very settled and single. I don't mind having a woman in my life but...in my house not so much.

[attamz]

Originally Posted by Moses

Are you kidding?

This is a disaster. It's the FRIKKING TITANIC. Run away.

She's is jealous of the nurturing you do as a father. You have good kids who love you. A woman who is emotionally healthy will respect and embrace that. This relationship is toxic. Show her the door. It's gonna get worse.

Couldn't have said it better myself

[on2wheels52]

"Every woman should marry ... and no man."
— Benjamin Disraeli

However, it does work out well occasionally.
Jim

[imcarthur]

Originally Posted by on2wheels52

However, it does work out well occasionally.
Jim

Yes, it does.

Ian

[Rot 911]

What I got out of this was you have two great kids that love you and you love them. And you have a SO that is jealous.

[gassy]

Next will be pressure for you to spend more time with her kid. Ya know, be a dad to him like you are to your own. If this hasn't started yet, it will.