Divorce strategies....bringing an unrealistic STBX to the table
 

BTW....STBX= Soon to be ex


OK guys...I know I'm the resident barrister here, but I can always learn something from other's experiences, personal and professional.

Tell me about some of your tactics, both legal and otherwise, that finally got the STBX to the negotiating table.

I thought she wanted out. She should be happy to move forward. Do you both have lawyers? For mine we just used a single attorney as arbitrator and called it good. She was reasonable and I didn't fight anything so it was pretty smooth. Thankfully I can't speak to a contentious divorce. That said, I have friends who have gone through that, and from my vantage point the pissing match was never one-sided. Any "unreasonable demand" from one side was usually met with a tit-for-tat response and the lawyers made more money. I'd rather walk away from everything to get out easy and clean and just start over but that's me. Being on the moral high ground of what is "right" really isn't of much use when you've given most of your money to a couple of attorneys for the pleasure of that honor. imho, ymmv.

Seriously, consider giving up anything and everything to get is over and done with soon and move on with your life, exception being Alimony. That was my line.

I did agree to a VERY LIMITED amount and called it Alimony so I could write it off. But it was $300/mth for 2 years. Basically I agreed to continue making her car payment for 2 years.

What do you want out of it? Is there any material thing you want? Main thing is to do what it takes to get it over with smooth and move on. Fighting over stuff ends up costing you more in the end in Lawyer fees...

Oh yeah, filing and getting her serverd is usually what gets them to start negotiating...Work it through the lawyers. Now is not the time to try to be friendly. You can get that later, after the paper work is done.

I feel your pain. Can't tell you how many times I have been unable to get the opposing party to the table until just before trial. So that is what I do. Call the case up for a law day and tell the judge you can't make any progress on settlement and ask for the earliest trial setting you can get. Some people can't face reality until it is shoved in their face.

My past situation...........she wanted all the $$$+assets+401k, etc. I researched state law concerning what she was entitled to based on no kids together and length of time married. I calmly told her this is what she's entilted to whether we go to court or not.

She refused........so I said fine....................................... I'll wait it out. Go ahead and hire an attorney but Va state law says this %. You'll waste a lot of YOUR $$$ fighting for more than what's due.

After much legal posturing.......she listened to her attorney and settled for what I was willing to give her in the first place

Tell her she won a free 8 hour spa day, give her the address to the spa (which is really your office). BTW - let her know that a complimentary high-colonic is about to occur!

Mine wanted my 401K, pension, 1/2 of house we didn't own, etc. When I went after HER 401K and she found that I could, she started negotiating in good faith.

I also decided to hire a Bull-Dyke. I figured it would be better in court to be the only man than to be 2 men vs. two poor helpless women.

My ex thought I was having an affair with my lawyer. My lawyer laughed SO HARD when she heard that! Seriously not happening, from either side.

I guess it we really need to understand the problem you're facing. Do you both have lawyers?

well having witnessed your pain & follies from afar..
I believe she should be paying YOU...
she has a biz/bar..
kids are not yours..
the other guy died leaving the kids taken care off..
if she believes you to be going after her stuff..
she may settle quickly..
you did mention her lawyer is a newbie..

Rika

I paid for two attorneys to fight things out to the tune of $68,000. If I was to do it over again, we would have the mother of all garage sales - there would be no assets left and we would split the money. Here you go - now get the f out of my life.

Jim...me too. What is the sticking point?

Find the cost of freedom (CSNY) and drive that bus, brother.

What Paul said. I think you know that the goal is to "get 'er done." The healing begins at the first cocktail after the last document filing.

And they say O.J. was a bad guy.
Go figure.

She (or her lawyer) may have a strategy of drawing this out in hopes of finding something to attack you with... hiring a photographer to take seemingly-compromising photos, phone records, whatever.

The sooner the legal process gets started, the better. I would file the petition now, and deal with the negotiating later.

I believe the question was how to get the STBX to the negotiating table with reason.

I'd fight offense with offense. Take her down (or at least make it look like you're willing).

Jim, I don't have anything useful to ad except that I hope all of this is behind you soon and you can move on with your life.

Speaking from experience: The only way to ensure this goes really smoothly is if she is in love with someone else and wants out fast........In my case (26 yrs ago), it was her boss......A dentist married with 2 kids........He later got divorced and they married to live happily ever after?

I kept the house and didn't give up a dime of my retirement......Jim, Find some young good looking guy and pay him to chase her............

wow man its obvious you HAVE NOT BEEN THRU A DEE-VORCE. it aint like spy vs spy!


in just about ALL 50 states it is now 50/50 from the moment you are married. all assets accrued from that exact time frame become 50/50. from the moment one party the plaintiff serves the defendant , ALL ASSETS ARE FROZEN PERIOD!


that means you dont get her inheritance and she dont get yer trust fund. on the down side if ya hit it big on the market or got the corner office with a fat raise while you were married or hit the lottery.......................yer SCREWED! because THAT IS COMMUNITY PROPERTY and it will be divided 50/50 because you attained it while married. if you took a loan for 50K while married she is liable for 50% and so are you. same with credit cards.


if ya bought a house a boat a p-car had (2) kids and (2) kats in the yard it becomes 50/50.


without substance abuse, without criminal activity,without jail or prison or insanity in the equation(must be certified insane-not just feeking pyscho crazy) then kids are generally split 50/50 also as well as the cats.


so if ya had (2) porsches, she gets one and you get one. you sell the house and she gets 1/2 the bucks and so on.


the courts nor the lawyer give a ratts azz if yer caught with yer panties down boinking some midget bim bett w/44DD's nor do they care if she pulls a train with the entire NFL!

the best thing you can do is get off the lawyers clock and get it over ASAP! lawyers love long drawn out he said she said drama. it helps pay for their 2011 p-car. or race an entire season on your wallet.


dee-vorces are like wiping yer azz nowadays. it happens every day.



welcome to the club. getting dee-vorced is like getting a NEW LIFE to START OVER AND UPGRADE ON THE OPTIONS!



be like me and snag a new one with all the features yer last model DIDNT HAVE!



and one thats 12 years younger than ME!



LIFE IS GOOD NOW! like wayyyy better than it ever was. its all about finding a "KEEPER" and 12 years of being single taught me just that.

OJU, please read the original post again.

The negotiating table does not necessarily = 50/50, and if assets change during the marriage, things get pretty complicated.

You might try to be a bit less succinct. :)