The Man Code
 

I was digging around in my computer archives and found this. It has probably been posted before but it is worthy of a repost.
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The Man Code

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
3. When you are interrogated by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
4. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50% without accusation; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to yell "liar!" (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate is raised to 400%)
6. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.
7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is five minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait ten minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.
8. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddy's refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
9. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friend's birthday is strictly optional and slightly suspicious.
10. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.
11. Before dating a buddy's "ex," you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.
12. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
13. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
14. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
15. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but may never ask who's playing.
16. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you're able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about
joining the priesthood.
17. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're lying on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel ..... and it's free.
18. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
19. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
20. If a buddy is outnumbered, out-manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours, his actions have led you to think, "What this guy needs is a good a ass whoopin'," then you may sit back and enjoy.
21. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while weightlifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"
22. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be referring to his beer.
23. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.
24. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: Either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
25. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not.

That's hilarious. I especially like 19 and 20. :D

I take #24 to the point that all conversations cease immediately when crossing the threshold into the men's room.

I am sure that others will want to add to the list, so here goes my contribution:

26. A man must never acknowledge there are more than the following colors: red, green, yellow, blue, and black & white. The color purple may be referred to only if speaking of a sports teams uniforms, as in the Minnesota Vikings. Words like lavender and topue and eggshell must never be spoken of as colors, or acknowledged as being anything other than an herb, hairpiece, and the outside of something that can be scrambled, or hard-boiled.

-Z-man.

Lol, great list!

Thanks for posting!

By writing #26 didn't Z violate rule 26?


Whats his punishment?

That fact that you recognize those as colors makes you a violator as well.

I have updated #26 to more properly reflect the man code - and have removed any references to non-colors being colors.

-Z

Who would even consider doing #1?

Z-Man, I think he meant taupe, not toupee.

AFC-911: I think you need to turn in your man card. :D

-Z

I like 10. Sex with the beast, rofl. :D

Hey! I'm just making sure the Code is perfect! :p

I'm guilty of breaking two of them . . . 6 and 14 . . . but not at the same time. And what's the ruling on visiting a gay bar during a bachelor party?

i violate #18 often

Lane, so you would strip down if you were challenge to step out of a bar & fight? Hahaha!

I don't see anything wrong with breaking #6.

#14...I'm more of a dog person, but cats love me. I'll never own one, but I will like a gf's cat just like I would expect a girlfriend to like my dog.

Wrestling ain't fightin'.

#27. A man may not beat a women, its not a fair fight.

#28. One man may not hold another guy so that a third guy can beat him, its not a fair fight. Unless the beatee has violated #27, in which case he already doesn't believe in fair fights.

24.01- when in a public rest room you are not to have phone conversations and all 2 way radios are to be turned off even when in a stall and you think you are alone.

yes, as a consequence i have been in very few bar fights. something about touching a naked man makes straight man rethink his actions. this strategy will not work in a gay bar.

when i start manipulating joints you will change your thoughts on that.

What's the man rule on crying? That needs to be included.

Can you cry at a movie? When reading a book? How about if your best friend is snippy to you? You botch your ballet audition?

Okay then. Suppose your wife leaves you? Your Porsche is totaled? Your arrow misses the hog? (be honest, vash)

Or can you only cry when there's a death? And - what deaths? Do dogs and cats count?

Assuming crying is permitted, what manner of crying? Do you have to be in private? Can you weep in the midst of your buddies, and are they expected to bawl and hug in reponse?
May you employ a hanky?

List cut, pasted, and emailed to friends.

I am guilty of violating #14, I like all kinds of critters but cats seem to make the best low maintenance pets.

Speaking of email...

#26 No man will forward a chain email regardless of whatever good or bad luck it promises you.

Yes! Especially dogs and cats.

Best,
Tom

29. Any man caught watching a "chick flick" may be optionally given one or more power wedgies by another man or men. Unless he can conclusively prove that watching said "chick flick" directly resulted in his getting laid, in which case other men should (but are not obligated to) buy him a beer.

30. No man may own a car that a 2/3 majority of a 12-man panel classifies as "cute". If one is willed or given to him, he must dispose of it by the most expeditious means possible.

31. A man MAY however drive a "cute" car (as defined in #30) for the sole and exclusive purpose of testing it after repairs for a girlfriend, spouse, significant other or female friend, only. Such vehicles may not be driven - even for short distances - for errands or any other purpose, a man must walk, ride a horse, thumb a ride, whatever in preference.

32. No man may use Jiffy Lube. Ever. Although he can work there. Mandatory 30-day card suspension.

33. No man may ever ask another man "do these pants make my ass look fat?" Mandatory 30-day card suspension.

No crying allowed. C'mon guys, it's fundamental. :p

Phew... guilty of 29 but fortune I qualify for the disclaimer... a pointer for the new guys out there RENT the chick flick rather than go to the theater... not only saves you money but when the lady is all hot and mushy and ready to get busy you can jump right on it... in extreme cases you may even get lucky before the movie is over.

#6- friend must have at least one HOT sister ....... #34- must visit Pelican Off Topic 'Chest Thread' at least once a week

Second best thing to watch two hot women kiss...watching two hot women fight (nakid)!

Try tussling naked with your sig other some time - it spices things up to a new level!

I may have to print this off and hang it up in our Son's room! Never to young to learn the Man Code!

A man never EVER plays with dolls... especially the life size ones!

Perhaps you should revise the punishment, because I propose another rule:

34. No man shall ever touch another man's undergarments. Undergarments include underwear (boxers or briefs), jockstraps, and even undershirts.

And I don't care how much satisfaction a man gets from giving a nerd a wedgie -- that's just not a place a man should be reaching for on another man!!!!
-Z-man.

You gotta make an exception for GI Joe.

i just bursted out laughing at #33.. that's a classic.

Crying at a movie? Depends on the movie.

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Actually, as a former Cooper S owner, I cried at the Italian job when the dumped the Minis out the back of the bus.........

you just lost your card for 60 days for posting not 1 but 2 clips from a chick flick.

Viewing of chick flicks for research purposes only.

you just lost another 30 days for trying to defend watching and posting clips from a chick flick.

:rolleyes:

That sister rule is a little excessively punitive. Some of the rest are funny, though.

I would amend this to no man make comment or solicit comment on another mans clothing.

#34 - A man shall never write a check at Home Depot, Lowes, or any hardware store.