So my aunt is coming to visit on Thursday apparently...

[legion]

A little background...

In 2002, my parents moved from Naperville to Nashville. In 2004, they got divorced when my mom ran off with an ex-con. In 2006, my father died. I had to make all of the arrangements and clear out his apartment and his storage space. My mom and my sister helped, but I did the bulk of the work including six visits to probate court over the next year and a half.

Now my aunt, my dad's sister, lives in Rockford, IL, which is about 2 hours straight north of Bloomington. She called me up a day before the funeral and told me that she was too busy and couldn't make it to her brother's funeral. I am still pretty pissed off about this. She's a freakin' socialite in Rockford. At worst she would have had to have missed some charity function that she organized.

Add to this the fact that I only saw her maybe once every five years prior to this. She throws several lavish parties a year for her husband's side of the family, but never invites us. We'd extend invitations for things, but she was always too busy. Maybe once every five years or so she would see it fit to invite us over when her husband and my cousin (her daughter) were gone.

After she declined coming to my dad's funeral, I decided that I was done with her, as it was clear that I was near the bottom of her priorities in life. (Something I had only strongly suspected up until that point.) She only wants a relationship with me when it is convenient for her. I haven't taken her phone calls. I've tossed any mail she has sent me without reading it. I've done the same with e-mails and voice messages. I have made no effort to contact her.

My mom has remained close with my aunt. From what I gather, she feels that I have been unfair to her. In other words, she sees nothing wrong with the way she has treated me.

When my son was born earlier this month, I was sure I caught a glimpse of her standing outside the nursery at the hospital one of the days we were there. I didn't try to find out if it was her.

So my mom is coming to visit starting on Wednesday to see her new grandson. She called the other day to tell me (not ask) that my aunt was going to come down on Thursday.

I really, really have no interest in ever seeing her again. She would take agreeing to see her as total acceptance and forgiveness of her past actions. She would pretend like nothing ever happened. It's not like this would lead to some kind of normal family relationship either. I'm pretty sure that if my cousin ever gets married, I wouldn't get invited.

Still, a small part of me feels like I'm being selfish. She wants to see my son, not me after all.

[andrew15]

Sweet - You got to fight the good fight and nothing is more noble than keeping up a petty family infighting scenario for over 5 years! Just be sure to make her know she is unwelcome and that her attempts at communication were and will be ignored - maybe she will try even harder for your attention!

Seriously - when I see things like the 'Mike's 4-yr old has cancer thread' vs this? I'm baffled.
Life is too damned short to keep acting like a 15yr old high school girl. Get over it, be the better man and use her visit with your son to bury the hatchet.

[chocolatelab]

Holy cow, you just described my mother in law. Nut Job Kook

People are strange, there is no accounting for it.

She probably wants to come to check out your situation, that way at her parties and b-s get togethers she can brag about " family"

I just say hi and bye to the old wind bag and move on.

Some people are just stupid

[chocolatelab]

Seriously - when I see things like the 'Mike's 4-yr old has cancer thread' vs this? I'm baffled.
Life is too damned short to keep acting like a 15yr old high school girl. Get over it, be the better man and use her visit with your son to bury the hatchet.[/QUOTE]


There are some people who dont have the sense enough to bury the hatchet. I bet she doesnt even know she is out of line.

[daepp]

I love family - the bigger the better. But that kind of treatment deserves the alienation you have given her.

You might consider giving her a second chance, but only because you want to, not because she deserves it.

[look 171]

My wife wants nothing to do with her mom or any of her families. My immediately family is great and they took her in when we were dating like if she was one of ours. I made it a point to go see my in laws with our kids with or without her. I told her the same thing, quit acting like a little high school girl. You owe this to your little kid. Its not about you anymore. give her a chance and let them bond with your little one and made thing better for all of you. This will make it easier for your mom as well.

[Geronimo '74]

Your aunt clearly has never considered you family. It's up to you what you do, but I would not feel bad for extending her the same courtesy.

She has given you enough reasons to avoid her altogether.
I'd be honest to her and tell her what has been bothering you for all these years, and that her 'effort' (if you can call it that) is too little too late.
Two things can happen, she can come to her senses, admit that she was wrong and feel regret. Or she can get upset with you for not having her over.

In the first case scenario, you can choose to forgive her and start over or you can choose not to. (if she does show regret, I'd patch things up)
Second scenario, you tell her to F off, she clearly does not think she has done anything wrong....

Either way, you have at least made clear what was on your mind.

Your mom is not supposed to pick sides in this dispute. she has a sister (in law) and a son and she'll have to accept that those two may not get along, period.

[sc_rufctr]

Sit down and write her a letter describing how you feel and that you don't want to see here again.
Spend some time doing this. List out all of your grievances and provide her examples.
Then seal it in an addressed envelope with a stamp ready to be mailed. Put it in a prominent place on your desk for about two or three days.

After you have mulled it over and weighed up all of the consequences... Either mail it or tear it up.
The choice as always is yours but you have to consider what it may do to your mothers relationship with her ex sister in law. (my care factor would be about 0%)

If it was me... I would definitely mail it to her. I would have done it right after she didn't turn up for her brothers funeral.

I believe your own pride is extremely important. So if anyone messes with that then as far as I'm concerned they don't belong in your life.

Take it from me, letters can be very powerful.

[sm70911]

Feeling rejected is deeply hurtful. Tough talk aside this is obviously painful for you and your Aunt is clearly someone very afraid of intimacy. I think you have to decide what is right for your child and what you want in terms of extended family relationships:
You're reactions show pain, and clearly her rejection hurts you. However you are a responsible human being who has brought a wonderful life into the world. If you really want to reject the Aunt & her family then come to terms with that decision and the broad implication of it and please be upfront with her about it.
However : If in your heart you would like a relationship with her and your broader family then please confront her about that. You must tell her she makes you feel de valued and you find that hurtful. Remember Its her rejection / intimacy fear.
If she really was sneaking around the hospital it sounds out of character, but if true her fear of intimacy is so great she has some real problems. But then you already suspected this from her non attendance of your fathers Funeral. The hard truth is she will be unlikely to change. Im not sure its right to bring half a relationship of dubious merit to your child, but also extended family can be important to some childrens sense of security.

[IROC]

Regardless of how your aunt has acted in the past or will act in the future, there is nothing you can do about it. The only thing you can control is how you react in response. If your response is to be bitter and selfish, that is more a reflection on you than your aunt.

[red-beard]

Originally Posted by chocolatelab

Seriously - when I see things like the 'Mike's 4-yr old has cancer thread' vs this? I'm baffled.
Life is too damned short to keep acting like a 15yr old high school girl. Get over it, be the better man and use her visit with your son to bury the hatchet.

There are some people who dont have the sense enough to bury the hatchet. I bet she doesnt even know she is out of line.[/QUOTE]

+1

[VincentVega]

No kidding. What's the big deal? Live your life, dont sweat the BS.

[Tobra]

Originally Posted by IROC

Regardless of how your aunt has acted in the past or will act in the future, there is nothing you can do about it. The only thing you can control is how you react in response. If your response is to be bitter and selfish, that is more a reflection on you than your aunt.

This, and don't talk bad about her in front of your kid.

A lot of you guys miss the point, he is not acting like a HS kid or holding an unreasonable grudge. He is related to a bad person and he does not spend time with bad people on purpose is how I took it. Life is too short to spend time with people like that.

I lucked out on the family thing, so this is a pretty alien subject to me.

[masraum]

Based on the events in the original post, I wouldn't let her in my house on Thu.

[rcecale]

Legion, forgiveness is not for the person who has "wronged" you. Forgiveness is for YOU. As you state, your ignoring her communications, etc., probably hasn't even phased her, but it has sure found it's place in YOUR heart.

Do yourself, and your heart, a favor. Let it go!

Just sayin'

Randy

[LWJ]

I agree with rcecale. Your aunt is shallow. She messed up - repeatedly. Perhaps she is looking to turn a new leaf?

Letting an old woman oogle a newborn is harmless. She hasn't really hurt you as much as she has ignored you. Now, you have ignored her and she seems to want back in to some degree.

There might be more to this but it seems fairly clear cut to me.

Note: I posted a similar situation with my wife and her step mom a year or so ago. Most people told me to get over it. Some people are simply not as polite and nice as others. I think we need to go through our life being who we want to be. If someone else can't deal with us, so what? Locking a selfish aunt out of your life? Other than making you feel smug does it really move anything forward?

Good luck on this. These things are not easy.
Larry

[Evans, Marv]

While I understand those who are saying you would be a bigger person to be forgiving, you are the person who chooses who in you life is worth dealing with or not - family or not. While life is too short to hold grudges, it's also too short to allow negative people to continue to contribute to add unnecessary adversity to you life. I choose to minimize the effects of those kinds of persons in my life. Like others have said, LIFE IS TOO SHORT. There are two sides to the coin.

[masraum]

It's possible to exclude someone from your life without letting it turn into a dark cancer in your soul or without holding a grudge.

If you had an acquaintance, and discovered that they were a thief, liar, drug user and dealer and all other manner of bad things, wouldn't you stop associating with them? Yes, that's exaggerated to make a point. If the aunt is uncaring and shallow and essentially worthless as a relative or acquaintance, just don't have anything to do with her. Explain it to the mom in a plain, calm manner. Don't get sucked into an argument about it. Don't let the aunt anger or bother you.

[craigster59]

Originally Posted by rcecale

Legion, forgiveness is not for the person who has "wronged" you. Forgiveness is for YOU.

This right here. Sounds like she is the type of person that won't give the time of day to anyone who won't elevate her social standing. She doesn't need you till she needs you. Things have a way of coming around. As they say "The toes you step on today might be attached to the a$$ you have to kiss tomorrow".

[legion]

I think all of the important points have been hit.

I always saw my not wanting to talk to her as not wanting someone in my life that brings me down. I don't associate with most of my high school friends today because they were getting into hard drugs and petty crimes when I was in college. It was clear they were on a path I didn't want to be on, so I jumped ship. It wasn't out of anger, but more sad for me that they were headed to a place I didn't want to go. I've been looking at the relationship with my aunt from the same perspective. I've thought about writing her a letter, but ultimately decided that while cathartic, it would be more about trying to inflict some kind of emotional revenge on her, and not about choosing the people in my life.

My mother is another can of worms. She's probably the single person who causes me the most stress in my life. She pretty much automatically takes whatever side I'm not on in any dispute, and often invents a dispute just to be on the other side. I've just pretty much resigned myself to the fact that she is selfish and will do whatever she wants, consequences be damned. I just keep my mouth shut and only give her my opinion when she presses me for it, which she rarely does.

A little recent story about my mother. When my grandfather died in 2009, she promised my sister and I that she would give us some of the money from the estate once the house sold. Well, the house sold in 2010. Months went by. Nothing. I didn't bring it up, but my sister eventually did. First my mother claimed she never said that she would give us anything. Then she claimed she needed the money for her retirement (and promptly had a large, in-ground pool installed at her house). Finally, she tried to recruit me against my sister. I told her that I was staying out of it, but that she did say she would give us some money, and that I was disappointed in her for making a promise and breaking it. I said that she should have never made a promise to my sister and I if she didn't intend to keep it. She told me that she had expected me to give her some money when my dad died (never mind that she had divorced him and taken her half already), and she wasn't giving me anything because of that. She did eventually send my sister a couple hundred dollars, and banked a couple hundred thousand for herself.

I'm thinking that I'm going to give my aunt a chance. The worst that can happen is that she simply confirms what I thought all along. The last time I saw her all she talked about was how she flew her daughter to LA for a special birthday dinner at some high-end restaurant. I don't expect I'll be doing a lot of talking, just listening to her brag about my cousin (who is now apparently a news anchor for some local TV station in Georgia).