ten best tools of all time

[johnco]

The Ten Best Tools of All Time

Forget the Snap-On Tools truck; it's never there when you
need it. Besides, there are only ten things in this world
you need to fix any car, any place, any time.

1. DUCT TAPE: Not just a tool, a veritable Swiss Army knife
in stickum and plastic. It's safety wire, body material,
radiator hose, upholstery, insulation, tow rope, and more
in one easy-to-carry package. Sure, there's a prejudice
surrounding duct tape in concourse competitions, but in
the real world everything from LeMans - winning Porsches
to Atlas rockets - uses it by the yard. The only thing that
can get you out of more scrapes is a quarter and a phone
booth.

2. VICE-GRIPS: Equally adept as a wrench, hammer, pliers,
baling wire twister, breaker-off of frozen bolts, and
wiggle-it-till-it-falls-off tool. The heavy artillery of
your toolbox, Vice Grips are the only tool designed ex-
pressly to fix things screwed up beyond repair.

3. SPRAY LUBRICANTS: A considerably cheaper alternative to
new doors, alternators, and other squeaky items. Slicker
than pig phlegm. Repeated soakings of WD-40 will allow the
main hull bolts of the Andrea Dora to be removed by hand.
Strangely enough, an integral part of these sprays is the
infamous little red tube that flies out of the nozzle if
you look at it cross-eyed, one of the ten worst tools of
all time.

4. MARGARINE TUBS WITH CLEAR LIDS: If you spend all your
time under the hood looking for a frendle pin that caromed
off the peedle valve when you knocked both off the air
cleaner, it's because you eat butter. Real mechanics
consume pounds of tasteless vegetable oil replicas, just
so they can use the empty tubs for parts containers after-
ward. (Some, of course, chuck the butter-colored goo al-
together or use it to repack wheel bearings.) Unlike air
cleaners and radiator lips, margarine tubs aren't connect-
ed by a time/space wormhole to the Parallel Universe of
Lost Frendle Pins.

5. BIG ROCK AT THE SIDE OF THE ROAD: Block up a tire.
Smack corroded battery terminals. Pound out a dent. Bop
nosy know-it-all types on the noodle. Scientists have
yet to develop a hammer that packs the raw banging power
of granite or limestone. This is the only tool with which
a "made in India" emblem is not synonymous with the user's
maiming.

6. PLASTIC ZIP TIES: After twenty years of lashing down
stray hoses and wired with old bread ties, some genius
brought a slightly slicked up version to the auto parts
market. Fifteen zip ties can transform a hulking mass of
amateur-quality rewiring from a working model of the
Brazilian rain forest into something remotely resembling
a wiring harness. Of course, it works both ways. When
buying used cars, subtract $100.00 for each zip tie
under the hood.

7. RIDICULOUSLY LARGE STANDARD SCREWDRIVER WITH LIFETIME
GUARANTEE: Let's admit it. There's nothing better for
prying, chiseling, lifting, breaking, splitting, or
mutilating than a huge flat-bladed screwdriver, partic-
ularly when wielded with gusto and a big hammer. This is
also the tool of choice for oil filters so insanely located
they can only be removed by driving a stake in one side
and out the other. If you break the screwdriver - and you
will, just like Dad or your shop teacher said - who cares?
It's guaranteed.

8. BAILING WIRE: Commonly known as MG muffler brackets,
bailing wire holds anything that's too hot for tape or
ties. Like duct tape, it's not recommended for concourse
contenders since it works so well you'll never replace it
with the right thing again. Bailing wire is a sentimental
favorite in some circles, particularly with MG, Triumph,
and flathead Ford set.

9. BONKING STICK: This monstrous tuning fork with
devilishly pointy ends is technically known as a tie-rod-
end separator, but how often do you separate tie-ends?
Once every decade, if you're lucky. Other than medieval
combat, its real use is the all purpose application of
undue force, not unlike that of the huge flat-bladed
screwdriver. Nature doesn't know the bent metal panel or
frozen exhaust pipe that can stand up to a good bonking
stick. (Can also be used to separate tie-rod ends in a
pinch, of course, but does a lousy job of it).

10. A QUARTER (now its $0.35) AND A PHONE BOOTH:
(See #1 above.)