What do you wish you had done?

artplumber · 03-21-2011, 04:45 AM

First off, don't want to offend anyone - this thread is about dying, not me, my Dad. Please move on if it bothers you.

Just up right now (Pacific Time), thinking. This process has been happening for a while - we all knew it. Getting close to the end. I've been a little focused on the practicalities - probably some form of denial. Family just talked about possible arrangements, hospice care. Dad's still mentally there in short amounts time. Can't move much because of the pain. We don't have any hatchets to bury (I think). We try to visit as much as we can. I just don't want to feel like I missed doing something with him when he's gone.

rusnak · 03-21-2011, 04:55 AM

Thank him for being your dad, forgive past disputes, tell him that you love him as his son, and help him to be right with God.

Paul_Heery · Paul_Heery's Garage

I went through this with both of my parents about 3 months apart.

You will do what you can and grieve however it hits you. Will there be any regrets after he passes? I will bet that there will be a few. But, you can't dwell on them.

The little things are what had the greatest impact on me. When my mother died it didn't really hit me until the following Sunday. We had always talked on the phone on Sunday mornings. That Sunday, I really felt the void that she had left.

Best wishes to you and your family.

sc_rufctr · 03-21-2011, 05:18 AM

I watched my father die 13 years ago. It was a slow process.
Years ago I was a nurse and I helped him shower, shave and dress himself the last few months of his life.

The one thing I chose to do before he died was to show him absolute respect.
We had quarreled over the years and things could have been better between us.
I blamed myself for most of it but he could be difficult in an old fashioned way.

I called him father for the first time in many years. I feel I got through to him and when he departed we were friends again.

I still think of him daily.

Joeaksa · 03-21-2011, 06:00 AM

I wrote my father a one page letter telling him how I felt about him and how much I loved him. Just needed to let him know, as if he did not already.

When he passed the letter was one of the final items in his possession. Guess I did the right thing as it meant a lot to him.

Spend time with him and if possible take a couple of videos of him when he is in good shape. You will be glad you did later.

Super_Dave_D · Super_Dave_D's Garage

Posts like this make me extremely jealous of guys with good relationships. We don't even speak and haven't much for the past 20+ years. Enjoy the time you have and the remember times you have had!!!

rcm · 03-21-2011, 06:50 AM

My Dad and I go for a coffee and ride every Sunday morning. My mom is dieing from cancer so we have pretty intense conversations about the rest of her life and his. At 52 I respect all my father knows, is doing and has done. He knows that now. The rides have been the best thing for both of us.

Joeaksa · 03-21-2011, 07:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Super_Dave_D

Posts like this make me extremely jealous of guys with good relationships. We don't even speak and haven't much for the past 20+ years. Enjoy the time you have and the remember times you have had!!!

Then its time for YOU to get back in touch.

You cannot imagine the feeling of one of your parents passing and not having made peace with them.

azasadny · azasadny's Garage

Spend as much time with him as you can... Just holding his hand will mean a lot. We went through this a few years ago with my grandfather and it's not easy by any means...

Zeke · 03-21-2011, 07:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Joeaksa

Then its time for YOU to get back in touch.

You cannot imagine the feeling of one of your parents passing and not having made peace with them.

Sure you can. It's all in how you were raised. If they didn't give a rat's ass about you and didn't extend themselves much, it's just as easy letting go as for a neighbor that you didn't like much.

But, let's hope that isn't the case. Even if the relationship wasn't great, it's always a good thing for you to try to move closer.

See all of the above.

lisa_spyder · 03-21-2011, 08:04 AM

Peter,

Firstly I am very sorry....I feel your pain

.

Please don't beat up on yourself for taking care of the practicalities. Someone needs to do this and you are stepping up. Doesn't mean you are not focussed on your Dad and his needs, or that you have lost sight of how much you love him.

Sadly I have been through this. When Dad was dying I was focussed on ensuring Mum's health did not deteriorate further due to the stress and sheer will she mustered to care for Dad...and I focussed on the practicalities. I had to - I held enduring and medical powers of attorney for both my parents. They both placed their trust in me to do whatever was necessary for them and I hope I delivered.

Quote:

I just don't want to feel like I missed doing something with him when he's gone.

I'm sorry to say that you will... the little things (as Paul has said); you will miss those. For me it was the good morning kiss and hot cup of coffee that Dad would have waiting for me at work (and the 10 minutes every morning on my arrival where he would stop what he was doing to share the coffee with me and have a chat). You will miss the small things like crazy and it is those little things that will bring the tears...let them roll and savour the memories. I don't mean to cause you more anguish by telling you this...just be ready to be thrown by the smallest of things

Spend as much time as possible with your Dad now. Whether he is lucid or not; makes no difference...he will know you are there and he needs to have his loved ones with him. Just spend the time with him; hold his hand; give him a hug if he is up to it. Stay close...that's all you have to do...and all he needs from you. And keep looking after the practicalities...your Dad will know that you are doing the best for him this way too.

Prayers sent...

Laneco · 03-21-2011, 08:15 AM

In the short amounts of time that your father is "mentally there" have him tell a story and record it. Maybe a funny story about you growing up, maybe one about him, a military experience, whatever. The content is not as important as the voice of the story teller.

When he is gone, his voice disappears forever except for your recording. If you want to hear him, you can, anytime. If you have children, they can hear their grandfather's voice.

angela

lisa_spyder · 03-21-2011, 08:21 AM

^^^ this...if you can...

Superman · 03-21-2011, 08:23 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Super_Dave_D

Posts like this make me extremely jealous of guys with good relationships. We don't even speak and haven't much for the past 20+ years. Enjoy the time you have and the remember times you have had!!!

I strongly suggest you set aside whatever BS you might be harboring, and make a connection with this man. Nobody will understand him as intimately as you can, and vice versa. Do nothing, wait for him to pass on, and you will regret it.

rusnak · 03-21-2011, 08:33 AM

I'm trying to get my dad to video tape more stuff, so I have more of the world as he sees is on video. I already have videos of him and my mom.

artplumber · 03-21-2011, 09:25 AM

Thks for the thoughts ladies & gents. We're going to do some kind of recording. Trying to get some of the repeatedly told stories. We've done a couple of weekends this month - whatevr call schedule allows

Zeke · 03-21-2011, 09:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Superman

I strongly suggest you set aside whatever BS you might be harboring, and make a connection with this man. Nobody will understand him as intimately as you can, and vice versa. Do nothing, wait for him to pass on, and you will regret it.

I'm all for you guys, but don't impose your beliefs on Super Dave. I had more than one father other than my own that made a "connection" that I never had with my natural one.

As far as a mother, John Lennon said it better,

"Mother, you had me but I never had you,
I wanted you but you didn't want me,
So I got to tell you,
Goodbye, goodbye.
Farther, you left me but I never left you,
I needed you but you didn't need me,
So I got to tell you,
Goodbye, goodbye."

Forget the rest of the song, this is the message to me.

Oh Haha · 03-21-2011, 02:43 PM

I'm sorry for your pain.

Spend as much time with him as you can. Cherish the good times. We all grieve in different ways at different times.

scottmandue · 03-21-2011, 03:08 PM

Sorry to hear of your pain.

My dad and I fought like cats and dogs... I was the youngest of three boy family... I was never as good as the first... and never as bad as the second.. although at times I felt I was being punished for the sins of the second.

In time as I matured I realized he was not an infallible god but just a guy doing the best he could. His dad died when he was very young so he didn't have much to go from.

Now that he and mom are in their 80's I try to have a meal with them at least once a week.

I love the old guy.

Not sure that that helps much but just my two cents.

Super_Dave_D · Super_Dave_D's Garage

Quote:

Originally Posted by milt

I'm all for you guys, but don't impose your beliefs on Super Dave. I had more than one father other than my own that made a "connection" that I never had with my natural one.

Thanks! My stepfather is more of a dad than my father was or ever will be. There is a limit to when you can just forgive and forget.