The End Game
 

Springtime in Missouri. We can open the windows now and hear the birds and squirrels chirp and chatter. A renewal of life. The house has a new sound also. The steady hummm …of a oxygen machine. It’s not a really loud or offensive sound, just relentless. A soft hum, interrupted with the occasional soft ‘burp‘, like a valve or diaphragm closing/opening somewhere inside the gray plastic box that is about the size of my first Lincoln welder. A long, thin, clear hose runs across the floor to the occupant of a electro/mechanical, Hospice provided bed.

He’s ninety-two now and frail. A man who was once vibrant and a man-of-the-soil (farmer) ...now reduced to wearing Depends and being lifted to his wheel chair for the trips to the dinner table. He still, surprisingly, has quite an appetite, and nutrition is important now as ever. We weigh him every day. He was steady for months, varying from about 136-140 lbs. for several weeks, but the slipping away has begun …122 lbs. this morning.

His nights are full of dreams. Talking to strangers, brothers, relatives, his wife …all that have passed before. He was picking corn in a recent dream, and tying to get the attention of two young women in the field, asking them if they live near by. They both were wearing white blouses. They didn’t answer him. His dreams are very vivid and real to him. A few nights ago we heard him cry out, and discovered him on the floor reaching under his bed - convinced his wife was trapped under there. Even with the side rails up, he managed to somehow get out. Last night he thought it rained all night and was concerned that “the boys” had put all the machinery into the barn.

His eyes have become very sensitive to light. We keep the room in shadow and he has to wear those large, dark sunglasses when we roll him out onto the deck for some fresh air. His hearing is mostly gone. You have to speak loudly into his “good ear” for him to understand. The bedrooms at our home are upstairs and would isolate him. He can’t cope with stairs anyway, so we re-arranged the furniture in the living room, his space is now with us …close at hand.

For several years he was able to live alone (after his wife of over 50 years passed in 2003) in a condo and then onto a Assisted Living facility near us. But although his mind is relatively ‘here’ (during daylight hours), his body is failing him. He began to fall, often. His leg muscles reduced to a shadow of their former size and strength. And those type of facilities are not geared to the type of constant assistance he now needs. It was time - we had to bring him home to us.

He was about twenty-one when the “Day of Infamy” occurred. He was living in California at the time and he found work as a machinist for one of the aircraft makers ( McDonald Douglas I believe). After the war he returned to his birthplace (Missouri) and bought a farm, married and raised five children. He farmed, taught school for a time, worked in a steel plant and also ran a rural mail route. For a few years he worked at another aircraft firm in St. Louis. He drove (5 hours ) home on Friday nights, then left again on Sunday evening for work on Monday.

I met his eldest daughter a few months after I returned from the service. A friend/fellow vet. introduced us. On our first meeting, she fell asleep on my couch as we watched Monday Night Football. She snored. We got married in 1976. Thirty-five years now. She was an over-worked LPN then - later to become an over-worked RN , but her profession has certainly helped in these life-assisting situations.

My mother was with us at the end - exactly like this, in 2002. Same corner of the living room, same type bed. She never needed the oxygen machine. Cancer was her final nemesis. But she knew we were there - as does he.

Enjoy life and your family every day gentlemen. Time - it’s relentless …and not always kind.

It is great that you and your wife are able to provide comfort and a loving environment. I'm sure that your father-in-law realizes that during his periods of lucid thought. I went through this twice with my parents. It's not easy. But, it is a time to be remembered.

Best wishes to all.

how one treats the old & worn out/down..
says much..
be well..& if he hasn't told you recently..
thank you..

Rika

That's what I was thinking. Best wishes.

Mo,

He knows he's not where he is by accident.

That's why his dreams are so vivid.

That's his thanks to you.

It is what I have seen before, what I believe.

Best to you, your family and the man.

If you're not a pro writer you should be. Very moving. You're a great guy to do what you're doing.

I know exactly what you're going through as we took care of my grandfather (he was more like a father to me) in our house for the last 3 months of his life. Very bittersweet experience but I'm glad you're there with him!! Talk to him often as his sense of hearing will be the last sense to go... Take care of yourselves too!

Indeed...

Indeed.

How a society cares for the elderly, sick, and downtrodden speaks volumes about the worth, value and focus of that society.

Great job, Mo.

Mo,

Well expressed. You took me back to my Mother's passing in 2000. Mind sharp but body failing after 9 decades. In the end, she was ready to join our Dad again.

I know life seems at times to throw challenges at us at every turn, but I have learned NEVER to pass up an opportunity to tell those near and dear to me how I feel about them.

Today is all you really have. Make it count.

Les

I don't know if you'll be rewarded or not but I'm sure you're doing the right thing.
I regret not living closer to my folks at their end but knew I had siblings near.
Jim

+1

What a well written, albeit sad posting. Best wishes to you and your family.

One of the best statements every written by a member of this great board,

Dave

Very poetic. Your life must be very rich right now. Of the passages of life the end seems to be the slowest and most lonely. No parties, no throwing flowers, just waiting....

Kudos to you and your wife Mo for allowing the old boy to spend his last days at your home surrounded by his loved ones. That takes courage and compassion.

I've been down that road and know how hard it can be, and also how rewarding it can be.

My best wishes.

PS: Very nicely written.

I am sure he appreciates the care that you and your family are providing, you are all saints.

Mo, my hats off to you and your wife, most honorable.

My Mother, almost 88 is getting very close and she is still living in her own house, she has a saint niece that helps her almost every day so she can get to the Doc or whatever. She does not drive anymore and she might not leave the house for weeks at a time. She has a wonderful house keeper that shows up to clean her house every other week and since there really isn't anything to clean they talk.

I live in WA state and my only brother lives in FL state, opposite sides of the country and my Mom lives in WI. We have both tryed yrs ago after Dad died to get her to either come to my place or my brothers, nope....as she says,"I was born in Wi and I will die in WI, besides that is where your father and my parents are buried".

We can't convince her to go to a retirement place, that is were old people live, OK.

Well written, thank you.

You are a good son.

The physical body is a machine that wears out, eventually, or suddenly.
"There, but for the grace of god, go I."

My 70'ish year old father came down with pneumonia last year which triggered a rapid decline in unlerlying dementia. For weeks he was completely a blank slate, and the outlook was indeterminant.
He recovered somewhat, and returned to an average daily "baseline". His abilities to work on hobbies and projects are extremely limited, and he had to give up many of the things that brought him satisfaction.

These were replaced by smaller goals and/or distractions which he had the ability to accomplish. Regardless of the task, something is needed of him.
He keeps on moving on.


Only in my 40's, but I personally believe the most essential things in life is to know that you are loved, have accomplished something, or will accomplish somthing.

Thanks for posting. Your ability to paint a picture with words is magnificent, and your efforts to make the end game comfortable are to be admired!

What is the true measure of a man - or a woman? Perhaps that he (or she), though never attaining any national prominence or presence on the world stage, just quietly and confidently went about living life. Raising a family, serving in their community, being a good friend/neighbor,and showing others that encountered them that there is virtue in just being a good parent and fellow citizen.

A good, long life has been lived and it recently, peacefully and quietly - faded away.

So here’s to my in-laws. Two more of the “Greatest Generation” that showed, anyone paying attention, how life should be lived.

This world was a better place when they were both here - and it is diminished at their passing.

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