Best car ad. Evar

[widebody911]

Camper Van for Sale Pistolfeet Porter 1966 VW Split screen Turbo Buyer

Welcome to the sale of the last remaining Camper van in the world ever! (Except the others)

Forged from 'Pure Awesomeness' and glued together with cool, oh, and licked by a lucky cat named Peter. The sale of the a ride so sweet your ass will get decay driving it! So bad ass is it entitles you to 1 months free membership to a mafia of your choosing and so god damn smokin' you will give tarmac heart disease.


1966 VW Split screen Turbo



WARNING 1: This vehicle will make your wife want to have threesome sex with you and her best friend every single day!.

WARNING 2: This vehicle will make your husband so giddy and stupidly drunk on joy that he will believe WARNING number 1.




If Chuck Norris and a NASA Space Shuttle spent a week in Paris making the worlds coolest ever babies – NONE, not one, of those children would grow up to be half as cool as this van. In fact by comparison to this van those children would be considered to be, a bit manky looking!

It’s actually fair to say though that all babies are a bit manky looking to begin with. For just a moment, imagine squeezing a frog through a clarinet; now imagine what the frog would look like as it exited the clarinet – I think you will agree, it would look a bit manky!

The same applies to babies also, having been squeezed, crushed, starved of breath and then fired full force out of a lady cannon into the latex clad hands of midwife….they are bound to come out looking like an ugly, squashed up spent tea bag. No amount of people saying, “awwww she’s so cute” will actually make your baby cute.




This van on the other hand is unlike an ugly baby, this van is undeniably cute in a manly, awesome kind of way, and has never, to my knowledge, been shot from a lady weapon or a conventional weapon of any type for that matter. Though a cannon would not look out of place on the roof of this family friendly, A-Team-like camper and should you so wish, there is room enough inside to deliver a handful of babies, rear foxes or sell ice cream. All of this would pale in comparison to loading it full of guns and loose women.

Its sleek and aerodynamic looks were far ahead of its time, it looks like a large bullet to fit a bazooka that fires only camper vans with massive "Get to the back of the bus *****" attitude. I can imagine Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget rocking this ride. "Next time Gadget! Mwuhaha"

Chuck would be proud to father this van, but unfortunately his little gruffs would not make the grade.



This, as I am sure you have guessed, is no ordinary camper. In 2005 following it’s release from the FBI’s murder investigation warehouse, it had all of the blood stains, the remaining body parts and flesh bits removed before being cleaned with special murder bleach then sprayed with even more special murder Fabreeze before being wrapped up tight and posted via sea to the UK. Whilst on it's way, it was noted in the ships log that the Captain remarked, “awwww, she’s so awesome”, not in the style of a pirate though, more in the style of a new parent looking at an ugly baby. I have never wanted to be a Captain because I don't like white beards.





In 2008, sometime after lunch but before dinner, it was completely stripped down, much like a drug dealer in a police custody room, then built up again from scratch with every single component refurbished or replaced with new branded parts. The whole project was captured in detail using pictures and notes, which will be handed down to the new owner via grand ceremony including an after ceremony buffet consisting of mini cheddars and warm pop.

Also, with this being a ‘custom build’ and one of a kind camper, it has its own custom one of a kind user manual. Not that’s its complicated, just different, if it were human for example, it wouldn't need extra schooling or anything like that – but it may possibly be misunderstood by its fellow camper humans, die young then be proclaimed a genius and be studied and taught to young camper humans for centuries there after!

The VDUB (Which is camper lingo for VW, I learned this from a rock girl I was dating. I was forced to reevaluate our relationship hen I found her greasing the steeple of French Perry in our tent at Glastonbury) is finished in black and so would be suitably at home camouflaged against a black wall or row of nuns facing the wrong way, a flash light will be included in the sale of the van so that you can find it at night. It’s sheer awesomeness however; means that you probably wont leave it alone long enough to lose it. You could just live in the camper and then you would never loose it.



When it comes to security, if your name is not down you are not getting in. It is fitted with a full closure alarm system with central locking; it also has a detachable steering wheel, which doubles as a frisbee for days out in the park. I remember once throwing a frisbee and wondering to my self, why do people always turn to look at the frisbee one second before it hits the 'back' of their head? Followed by thinking “I know she is crying and holding her nose, but she will laugh about it soon lol, I hope she will, actually she looks bit mad”

To avoid theft, VW Camper vans hide the engine in the boot, which makes them exactly as fast and agile as a Porsche, only better looking and with room inside for a mini orgy or a violin lesson. Actually, if you also own a school and are short on space you could probably quite comfortably teach algebra to a class of 7 small to medium size children or possibly 8 midgets if they squish up a bit.

The van is also ideal for smuggling illegal immigrants in to the UK, no Customs Officer would dare to question the driver of a vehicle still hot to the touch from it's drive straight out of hells gates. It's so menacing even Meat Loaf would trickle in his leathers.




During the strip down the van was inspected with a torch for narcotics and hidden gerbils, since neither were discovered this seemed like an ideal opportunity to remove the original engine and replace it with a rocket, there were no rockets on eBay at the time so now fitted is a Subaru 1994 EJ20 2.0 Turbo charged engine which makes it more exciting than a fumble in a phone box.

The engine was fully stripped and rebuilt and once finished there were no bits left over except for a bit of old sandwich which leaving out has not yet proved to be a problem. The engine itself is a very clean example and has breathed a new type of life in to this outstanding chassis. It's quite like giving viagra and Red Bull to a porn star and then throwing him in to a Women's Institute meeting.


The interior of this vehicle is fabulously finished, attention to detail and functionality has been considered carefully and the finished product is brilliant. As you can see from the pictures, the inside really does exist and is not a figment of my imagination. When I was a child I had an imaginary friend called Naughty Paul, he was very good company actually and listened carefully to everything I said before proceeding to tell me I needed to do something really important like set fire to Nana. Not too long after Naughty Paul told me to break the windows in Dad's Ford Cortina he went away and didn't come back until a drunken night with my Perry's ex-girlfriend. You can see that the van has wooden flooring would be ideal for starting your own mobile tap dance school and if business gets quiet you could easily slide a coffin or two in the back for your local Funeral Directors. If you want I can make up a “Private Ambulance” sign for it.




Here is the technically bit:

The Ride:
LHD US Import (this makes it much easier to 'high five' oncoming traffic)
Creative Engineering Disc brake's all round
Creative Engineering IRS System
Adjustable BugPack Coilovers Up Front
Adjustable Spax gas shox Rear
Narrow lowered Creative Engineering beam, weedeater v1
Dropped spindles Creative Engineering
17/7J Porsche classic racer wheels &...
Brand New set of 17x7 Fuchs deep dish alloys as per pic:

These alloys are clearly better than boobs instead of balls!

The Heart:
Subaru 1994 rebuilt EJ20 2.0 Turbo charged engine
Subaru charge cooler system
Freeway flyer gearbox built by TSR
Racing cell 11 gallon fuel tank (25mpg)
Rear radiator with twin fans
Custom engine support
Straight through custom exhaust
The engine has been fully serviced and cleaned up so looks as new!



Luxuries:
Water matrix heating system (provides amazing heating compared to the original VW heat exchanger heating system).
Bluetooth CD stereo with iPod connectivity
2 door speakers and 2 rears.
400watt mini amp
Kenwood crossover

Security:
Full closure alarm system with central locking enabled
One off removable steering wheel (Losing this would be very stupid unless you have mastered the art of driving with a coat hanger)
Race bucket seats & Harness (can easily be changed, in to other seats, not in to a turtle or something weird like that)
Full front custom roll cage to spec A standards (To stop you dying)


The bodywork is beautiful, I would like to say rolled on the thighs of Brazilian super models but more likely it was hammered and mashed in to perfection by a sausage eating German named Stephan. There are a few scratches here and there but they do not detract from the overall "I want to have sex with this car" appeal.

Anyone winning this auction will be more than satisfied with their win, it’s a timeless classic brought bang up to date and offering endless hours of fun, much like the time my friend Andy fell asleep at a party and I super glued his hands to his ankles.

Unlike Andy, this van will not need to sit in hot bath for 2 hours while people around it laugh and throw peanut M&Ms.

[GH85Carrera]

I bet his mom told him a millions times not to exaggerate!

He must work as a copy writer for some ad agency. If he doesn't he needs to put that on a resume and apply for the job.

That is a great ad.

[pwd72s]

Funnier than hell...

[BlueSkyJaunte]

That ad is pure awesome. So's the Camper, for that matter.

[azasadny]

Fantastic!