Unless HH1944 is also a women...just sayn

I think 20 years' difference is at its least important point - right now. I think it will get more important from here. I'm 48. The difference between my outlook, energy, activity level, stage of life, etc and that of the 68 y/o's I know is very large. (Well, except for that one woman I mentioned.)

She has no kids. For the record, I'm 26 right now and she's 47.
Peter, dentist and g-man. Thanks for the advice.

I'm guessing that HHI944 has a hangover this morning.

Good point...I can testify that this is true. I'm 68. Gotta pace my energy level these days. Work hard on house chores one day...but the next day I must rest.

The same with play. Learned this the hard way, tried to keep the hours of my "honorary nephew" during a weekend pool tournament. No longer can I stay up until 4:00 AM, and be back in the tournament room at 8:00 AM for the first matches.

I don't see the problem, you have to answer your head and your heart, if they both want the same thing, then gopher it. Don't worry about what others think, it isn't their relationship, it isn't for them to say what is right and what is wrong, that is for you and the woman in question.
The fact that you asked indicates you have some reservations and only you can answer the questions you have.

A year of love is worth a decade of regrets.

Be stupid, it has it's charms.

Amen to that!
 

Amen to that!

Some of you may already know this, but my wife is 21 years older than I am.

We're celebrating our 15th year together in September.

Things couldn't be better.


KT

I think you all missed something. She's married to an older guy. That's why the OP can't have her and that's why she thinks she could possibly by a user if they hook up.

I'd hit it in a flash. But I'm talking as a 26 YO. If the situation were mine, she'd be 87!

Every time you see or think about her, go to the little boys room, punch yerself in the nuts, real hard. As time goes by you will instinctively respond to her presence and runawaaaaaay.
Don't thank me just yet, try it first, then send me cash money for thanks. Whatever you pay me will be peanuts compared to the therapy i've saved you down the line.

No, she's not married. She's kinda burnt on the whole dating scene, as I am as well. She has attracted some real dirt bags and *******s over the years :( we've both made it known that the other meets and exceeds all of our individual dating requirements except for age.
Trekkor, I'm very happy to find out that this is viable, I'm really not after 'a little fun' with an older woman. If I were, it wouldn't be at all difficult to find on this island.
Trekkor, do you mind if I pm you some questions layer tonight?

If she makes you happy, I say go for it....


I'm sorta in a boat that I know won't last, but I'm happy for the first time in a while. Roll with the punches is my new motto. When it stops being fun, and I stop being happy. I will renegotiate....

Questionable life choices
 

I'm in the go for it camp. Finding a good person isn't easy. Nothing wrong with trying. If it all goes bad, she is mature enough to not be a B about it

Lots of good advice from the gallery here...on both sides of the argument. But we are the spectators; you're the player here. Only you can make the moves ;).

I am curious though - did you post here to get help to talk yourself out of this blossoming relationship OR into it? From your posts I don't think you're sure yet...so keep cruising for a while yet with this great friendship you obviously have.

If you have doubts then don't make the leap. If you dispel those doubts in your own mind (and you know she has no doubts either) then frankly nothing else matters. Not age, not race, not religion, not anything. We are here for a good time, not a long one. Opportunities for real love are rare...don't waste your life wondering "what if".

The real question is.....


How is she in the sack?

You really should consider a career as a counsellor.

I say go for it, I did. Just keep somewhere way back in a corner of your mind that it won't last. If you are questioning it now that pretty much sums it up. That being said, it doesn't mean that you won't enjoy a few months of happiness.

Feel free.


KT

I think we need photos to really make an informed decision. ;-)

Dave

Photographs can't capture inner beauty. Howz about a cat* scan?? :p



*NOT a cougar pun, BTW.

Y'know, I'm really not sure. Part of me wants to call a buddy of mine who owns a florist shop, grab a few dozen roses and go pound on her door right now. I've never felt this way about someone before. I was very close to proposing to one girl several years ago and how I felt about her pales in comparison to how I feel about this one. Of course, the other part of me doesn't want to do anything that could jeopardize the friendship.

I dunno, I'm confused and mildly inebriated. I think it's time for a consultation with my 18 year old Scottish friend, that should help get my mind off of it...

Don't know and don't give a ****. I think that means I have to send my Charlie Sheen Fan Club Membership Card back....

Charlie Sheen believes you should do whatever the F you want, regardless of what others think. As long as you show up to work, do your job, and don't trouble others. If what you want is to shack up with a woman 2 decades your senior, and you're both happy, who cares what others say? It's your life, not theirs.

Ahhhh....Grass-hop-a...google "Infatuation".

At the end of the day "age" will not be part of the equation. Give it 6-12 months of getting to "know her" compared to your present "perception" of her. Be honest with yourself...and likewise with her. If it is as good then, as it is now, then you will be a fortunate man!

Go for it!...with your EYES WIDE OPEN!

I agree with 10-911-65 on this. You are both adults, so why don't you try having a talk with her as adults and lay your thoughts & feelings out on the table as well as your concern about the danger to the friendship. As adults, you should both be able to stick your toes into the water and see how deep it gets. If it were me, I'd discuss a relationship without strings attached (assuming you progress to the kind of relationship you want) and with the understanding either of you could walk away or not as the relationship dictated. I understand your concerns though. My wife is 25 years younger than I am, and I'm unfortunately entering the "golden years" of my life, and although I can still do as much or more than people much younger there is no guarantee that will continue. In fact it won't. I knew my wife for 13 years before we were married, so we at least had the friendship as a basis to build on. At this point we couldn't be happier.

HHI944,
You're making some assumptions that perhaps you shouldn't be. What if SHE decides the relationship isn't right? Get in there, have fun and enjoy the experience. Don't plan for things that may not even happen. Life is for living, not for regretting...

Art, I'm aware of that possibility and I'd wouldn't be happy, but I'd respect that decision. I've picked up more than a few signals indicating that she's interested in giving it a shot.

I'd like to publicly thank tremor for his input and advice via pm. He made a very good point and I know whose advice I need to seek before spilling to this woman. Still very open to opinions and advice here as well.

It's pretty obvious to me that you're going to go for it...

So, good luck to ya...

Stupid phone changed trekkor to tremor.
Thanks Paul, it has become fairly obvious to me as well that I'm going to go for it as well.

Sorry Cinderella, ... midnight is coming and you know it.

Easy there, big fella -- so lemme get this straight -- you haven't even DATED this woman, yet you are ready to spent the rest of your life with her?!?!

Even if she and you were the same age, you need to SLOW YOUR MIND DOWN! You are putting the cart before the horse, my friend, and subsequently, you are putting way too much pressure on you and the potential of a relationship.

Consider these steps:
1. You are friends with her -- that's a good first step.

2. Next step would be to actually ask her out on a date. See what that's like.

3. Next step after that -- maybe go 'steady' (sorry for sounding so cliche) - but date only her exclusively. That will allow you to get to know her on a different level. And no, I'm not talking about sex -- I'm talking about getting to know her on a more intimate level - emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. But the most important aspect of this time is this: you two will get to find out what 'smells' about each other. In other words -- you get to find out those things which aren't as appealing to one other -- maybe you fart alot. Maybe she eats foods that are revoling to you. So you find out about the good, the bad, and the ugly. That allows you to paint a better picture of you, her, and the overall relationship. The first few weeks of relationship, everything comes up roses. The true test is when the roses wilt -- what's left of the relationship.
Note: I do not suggest moving in together - partly because I have spiritual reasons, but also because it can give you a false sense of commitment.

4. If you two are still dating after a year or so, maybe then you two would know better if there is a long-term committed relationship for the two of you. I say a year because I believe at your age, that should be sufficient time to get to know each other more intimately.

5. Take about a half-a-year to a year as an engagement period. This time can be the most trying time a couple goes through. If you can survive this period, including the marriage planning process, you will be better equiped to handle the future as a married couple.

6. If you last through steps 1 - 5, you will be better prepared for marriage. I'm not saying it will guarantee you a successful marriage, but it will certainly help. 1-2 years to determine if your feels are valid isn't that long, considering you want to spend the rest of your life with this lady...

Life is filled with stepping stones. There are no short-cuts, especially when it comes to developing a relationship. Build a good foundation and the future will be alot easier to handle.

-Z-man.

PS: I married my soulmate 17 years ago -- she is 4 years younger than I am. We dated for a year, were engaged for a year, and now we've been married 17 years. While the time we were together before we were married didn't reveal all of our faults to each other, it certainly helped us understand that we both aren't perfect and have flaws and issues that need to be dealt it.

Hot Dog!

Please keep us all updated so we may live vicariously through the adventure that is your life!

And don't post any "told 'ya so's", OK boys?

I've been 'exclusive' with my wife for 28 years, married for the past 19 of them. I'll update you if anything exciting happens in my world too, m'kay! :p


Edit: Wow... Zman used the term exclusive as I was composing my post. Weird.
Or 7 or 8... what's the rush?

Take heed of Z-man's advice and get to know each other before you do anything rash.

When I was very young I fell madly in love with a beautiful woman eight years my senior who didn't even know that I existed.

After a brief period of agonizing over what to do, I took the big plunge and moved in with her. Sadly, that only lasted three days before she discovered my cot in her attic, called the police and had me arrested.

dentist - what's that saying about great minds think alike?!? ;)

One more thought for HHI944 -- if you want the "warm fuzzies" then get an electric blanket! In a very practical sense, marriage should be one of the most cold-hearted decisions you make.

To clarify: don't let your emotions get in the way of what true unconditional love is about.

Unconditional love is a love that seeks nothing in return for what you do or give. It is not a love that expect to receive anything in return for what you give. "Greater love hath no man than this -- that he lay down his life for his friend." Tell me HHI944 -- are you willing to sacrifice your life for this lady? Are you willing to take care of her when she doesn't have her whits about her? Would you be willing to care for her if she was in a fire and half her face and body were burned beyond recognition? Would you be proud to be her husband if she became an alchoholic or drug addict? Or developed diabetes or MS or any other terrible disease? Or was unfaithful? Do you think she'd love you if the opposite happened?

These are not questions that people typically ponder, but these types of questions should be asked and thought about, and will ultimately help you understand what love is about.

-Z-man.

Best wishes to you!


KT

DO IT.




Unless you want to reminisce for the rest of your life about that time you didn't go for it. That should be fun for you.

Z-man, I really appreciate your replies. You make some excellent and thoughtful points. Despite my enthusiasm towards her, I definitely recognize that there should be a smooth progression. In response to your first post and the comment about moving in together: We are both fairly religious and while we don't follow the book perfectly, moving in would never cross either of our minds until there had been a wedding.

In response to your quoted questions:
To all but the first, I can answer a resounding yes. Right now, I can't answer that first question. I can't honestly say 'No' because I'm not all sure that I wouldn't, but the gravity of the question warrants more consideration than a snap non-IRL decision.

We both have our share of baggage and quirks and we're both aware of eachothers. Well, I know that I've admitted things to her that only one other person knows and she's admitted some very personal details to me as well.

Gogar, short, sweet, to the point and spot on.

Despite my misgivings, I wish you and her the very best, as friends or lovers.

How many of her prior husbands died under mysterious circumstances?