Hey Crackhead:

[daepp]

From CL SF Bay Area

Hey Crackhead
Date: 2004-03-27, 3:36PM PST


Yes, you. You sick ****er. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my girlfriend's building by U.N. Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Muni to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet.

Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.

Crackhead, it was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home from the shop with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I figured the next time I parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how ****ed up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night.

But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman through the window of a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more.

This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the shop, I found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a 73-piece toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now."

OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't understand is,

YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE?

I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the Loin for a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the ****ing saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you?

Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy crack. Even a stupid crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that stupid.

I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically California Street. You have come onto my own street and you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of engineering ****, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you dude.

Here are my options as I see them:

1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Tim for that one, it was his idea.

2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and ****, but it's not like anyone is going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.

3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.

In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favor and buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault charges. Think about it.

Sincerely,
Matt

[Jim Bremner]

Sorry.

[126coupe]

*******s!

[Oh Haha]

Awesome!!!

Maybe THAT dude should take a second job as a writer.

[icemann427]

I feel your pain...But just take the plugs out when you park it.

[Mark Henry]

I can see one problem with this....crackheads can't read.

[Noah930]

Nor can you count on them to have regular internet access.

[Hugh R]

I like the rat poison option. I always that that a wonderful name for a brand of rat poison was "Hey, I can't believe its not butter!". I mean we told you it wasn't butter!!

I heard that from some comedian once.

[icemann427]

You guys just "crack" me up!!!

[Gretch]

The rat poison Idea, THAT has merit though!

[john70t]

I had two old Krayco tape-deck stereos stolen, in a nice neighborhood.
The second time he removed half the dash wiring with it.

The perp could have been a gay scientologist co-worker who happened to be stalking me, though.

[masraum]

I used to work at a retail parts place in a low income part of Tampa, FL.

We used to sell battery testers that were basically an eye dropper full of little balls to test the specific gravity of the battery electrolyte. The normal cost of the testers was 19 cents. My boss marked them up to $1.99. You'd see someone come through and buy a couple of testers, a few cheap, disposable lighters, and a pair of cheap pliers. Yep, instant crack kit, (pliers so you wouldn't burn your fingers on the hot glass).

You'd always see them biting the eye dropper in the package to make sure that it wasn't plastic.

[UconnTim97]

It almost sounds like a jilted ex of his girlfriend would be going to that to his bike.

[scottmandue]

Originally Posted by DAEpperson

From CL SF Bay Area

Hey Crackhead
Date: 2004-03-27, 3:36PM PST

Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping ticket that night. Sincerely,

Matt

Uh, you can't push your motorcycle?

[Mark Henry]

Originally Posted by john70t

The perp could have been a gay scientologist co-worker who happened to be stalking me, though.

Well it couldn't be Tom Cruise, who is not gay....John Travolta?

[TimT]

Sounds like a well crafted "urban legend"

[HardDrive]

Originally Posted by TimT

Sounds like a well crafted "urban legend"

Yeah, i get that feeling too.

Perhaps someone did mess with the guys motorcycle. But 'crackheads' isn't the only possible explanation. Maybe someone simply didn't like the guy. Angry neighbors do some odd things.

[Joeaksa]

There is a reason why we have "tent city" over here in Arizona... and it works very well with people like this...

[ZOO]

Originally Posted by scottmandue

Uh, you can't push your motorcycle?

Or install your own sparkplugs in a motorcycle?

[vash]

i'm not buying it.

this was written well. should have had this word craftsman put together my craiglist ad.

how would the crackhead saw thru a sparkplug? no crackpipe, but he has a saw capable of cutting ceramic? and i am pretty sure the street sweeper ticket is much closer to $80 by now.


it was a good read.