People are funnier than anybody

[sammyg2]

Recieved in an e-mail, thought I'd share, have not verified authenticity but who cares. It's called entertainment.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

[911_Dude]

Like!

[GH85Carrera]

Those are all funny, but I suspect they are not real. I have seen that list dozens of times over the years. They have been passed around via email for years and I bet they have been altered and changed thousands of times.

My rule of thumb is 99.999999% ANYTHING from an email is just not reality. Especially when presented as facts.

A funny joke or anecdote is still funny, but I don't think it happened just that way.

[tweezers74]

I would suspect that they are a version of the truth. I was involved in a court case and some of the questions the attorneys ask are just silly. I know there is a procedure to follow but it is so tedious and redundant that its difficult to stay serious. At one point I made some crack as well, can't remember what I said but later, my attorney told me that although I was correct, to "turn it down". He giggled and so did the other attorney.

[Superman]

Very amusing. Sure, these quotes might be unnreliable, but they are in fact probably true. I have no doubt whatsoever that humans could have, and probably in fact have, said those things.

[sammyg2]

I have no way of knowing if those quotes actually were said in court, but at least I found the book they're from:

Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History: Charles M. Sevilla, Lee Lorenz: 9780393319286: Amazon.com: Books

Book Description
Publication Date: August 1, 1999
In America's courtooms, the verdict is laughter.

Sit back and enjoy a collection of verbatim exchanges from the halls of justice, where defendants and plaintiffs, lawyers and witnesses, juries and judges, collide to produce memorably insane comedy. The Court: "The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant, sir?" Defendant: "No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

More About the Author
Charles M. Sevilla is in a private law practice in San Diego. His collection of humor in law books include "Disorder in the Court" and "Disorderly Conduct."

[Tervuren]

Probably all based on reality. With some hunting, the transcripts might be found.

Here's in interesting one.

Identifying photocopy machine poses problem for Cuyahoga County official | cleveland.com

"Patterson: -- instead of trying to make me feel stupid.

Marburger: If you feel stupid, it's not because I'm making you feel that way.

Cavanagh: Objection. "

[Hugh R]

I was preparing for a deposition once, and my attorney told me to answer the question that you were asked, not what you think you were asked.

He then asked me "Do you know what time it is?". I said "10;30", he said "Wrong Answer, you should have looked at your watch and said "Yes".