My current SO has an ongoing friendship with one of her exes. At first this bugged the crap out of me (FWB on the side?). I saw it as a big red flag and almost chucked the relationship before it turned into anything serious, fully expecting she was going to prove to be hung up on the guy. I called her out on it and she offered a good explanation and reassurance that I was willing to accept (yes, risk of BS but I chose to believe her). In time it became obvious she wasn't interested in anything with anyone but me, so all is well. We all hang out from time to time; he's a decent enough guy and she's not the kind to cheat (she has been cheated in in the past herself and it did a number on her emotionally - independently verified so I know it's not just an elaborate BS cover story intended to get me to not be suspicious). As time goes on he's more and more out of the picture which I'm very ok with just as a precautionary thing. It's a total non-issue.

I have been dating and been married for so long that my SO has no recent past lovers (that I am aware of! :eek:) Also have been moving frequently and far, which always helps to shed friends. We don't engage in social media, so the chance of being found by an old lover is also slim. Same for me. Glad to be at this point in my life, that's for sure.

G

Big red flag.

It may be okay. I had a GF in a town so small that she ran into her significant other of 15 years maybe 3-4 times a week without trying. When she quit mentioning she had said 'hi' and I spotted her having an intense convo with him, that put it over the edge for me. There was no chance she was physically involved with him, but the change in disclosure was a signal.

So it is about trust and respect. The chances of him or her keeping the dialogue going with a past sex partner for a chance at a future tag is like money in the bank but it also has to do with respect? That you have issues with the other dufe/girl because they know of the fact that you exsist yet could care less - they are basically looking to get off and the SO continues on is a show of disrespect to your relationship

This is all the more reason to have legalized prostituation.

As long as it doesn't involve sexting! :D

I still email / text with my first serious ex from time to time...I'm pretty sure her boyfriend is ok with it (she did move across the country for him after all).

I exchange Christmas cards with my first serious ex (1975 - 77). She has travelled the world and now lives in Virginia with her Navy husband. We haven't seen each other since 1977, and a Christmas card isn't gonna hurt anyone. Both of her parents are gone now, and one of mine. Life goes on...

_

With children involved - yes absolutely.

Without children - no. Pointless and disrespectful.

Naw...leave that to male High School teachers and their female students. (A case in Oregon news lately)...

If there's no flirting or anything questionable going on, how is it disrespectful to keep in touch?

I honestly like hearing how people I know from the past are doing these days.

It's all about respecting your partner.

If you respect her or him - do what is right, whatever it is.

If you don't get the respect you deserve get out while you can. Plenty of fish in the sea and no need to be with anyone unless it's totally right. And that's not easy.....too many who don't understand the concept of RESPECT.

i think it says more about a relationship if you are afraid of someone having coffee with someone else.

When I was younger, I was never the jealous type. Still not, unless the woman means something to me.

As I became older and wiser, and grew to appreciate the value of protecting those that you value, I saw that you can not have a laissez fair attitude toward your woman. A man should protect and take care of what he values. And he should be guarded, lest some fool take them away.

For the most part, no, but it depends.

Facebook buddies with a boyfriend from college, and they send each other pictures of their kids? Yeah, thats ok.

Current, face to face dialog, going out to lunch together and such? Hell no.

He is already bangin her again!!!!!!!

He never stopped.

you'd be a fool to invest in a woman who would allow some other man to "steal" her from you.

This. I don't mind it if the guy I am dating is talking to an old girlfriend. There is a reason why they aren't with them. I don't concern myself on ways to keep my man from straying. I concern myself on ways to make him happy so that he doesn't even think of straying because he knows what he has is the best out there.

Er.. no.

My woman is more than enough for me and I'd expect the same in return. Cue the hapless BeeGees "More than a woman..."

And there's a (related) reason why he's only dating not marrying you! :D

When my ex sent my a FB friend request, I asked my SO , if I accept, will it cause any problems. SHe was o.k with it, but just for good measure, I gave her my FB password, and if there is any ever doubt , I tell her to just go have a look for herself.

I was trying to come up with a nice way of saying that you are naive, cockerpunk. Obviously you are also stubborn. Oh well....learn the hard way. And Tweezers, why would your man buy when he can rent?

if the woman i am with would cheat on me with an ex, then i shouldn't be with her in the first place. similarly, if she is so afraid and untrusting as to dislike/disprove/get mad about me meeting with an ex, then that shows that our relationship is a sham, and i should be out of there anyway.

its not naive, its being moral and truthful in your relationship.

^ Naive.

You will find out that the world is not a perfect place that fits into your theories of how it should be.

so you are proposing that you are ok with forming a lifelong moral, ethical and legal relationship, with possible children, with someone you don't trust enough to sit down and have a cup of coffee with someone, without ****ing them?

really?

have some standards my god.

Well, first the initial post seems to contemplate a continuing dialog, not a one time cup of coffee.

But second, it just strikes me as an odd thing. I guess maybe it depends on how long it's been. My wife and I have been married almost 25 years.

It just seems odd that some former sexual partner, after all this time, would attempt to re-initiate contact with my wife.

That just doesn't seem normal to me. I know I'd never do that to any of my formers. It's creepy.

And if someone did that to me, like called me up and asked to meet for lunch or coffee, I'd say to them "Umm, yeah, nice hearing from you but I'll be passing on your lunch date proposal, but hey, you take care now! Click."

I just can't fathom, even for a second, why I - as a happily married man - would ever want to take up a former on that out-of-the-blue contact. I can't fathom why anyone would do that.

Are you proposing that you can modify or control another person's behavior by modifying your own? You can "will" them to be honest with you because you expect that of them eh?

What I am saying is that your "standards" should be made clear that you are not ok with your SO hanging out with guy friends. I think to the experienced person, that is so obvious you don't even need to point that out. But you're so dense I guess I should point it out.

So here goes: Cockerpunk, don't let your lady hang out with guy friends or you might find out that some other guy is boinking her.

As far as "standards", you are the one with the double speak. On the one hand, go ahead and have a relationship outside, but don't "cheat".

a continuous dialog is even more innocuous, as the only titillating part of of talking to an ex again, is that first 15 minutes, seeing if they have fixed what was wrong with them and why you broke up in the first place. after they show they have not (cause they never do), then there shouldn't be any sexual tension at all, that is unless you have been lying to yourself for all those years.

sometimes i like to chat with old exs. one of them is married to a friend of mine, the other i spent 7 years of formative years with, its always interesting to sit down and chat with them. mostly to see how different our lives have turned out. they havn't changed one bit, and speaking to them only reinforces the reason we aren't together. on both sides i assume.

^^^^

Yeah, because I tell him I never want to get married again. I actually have the opposite problem. Every man I have dated seriously wants to marry me.

First, I would never let a man "rent" or "buy" me. Secondly, why do men assume all women do is wait around for a man to "buy" them, aka get married?

I'm good, thanks.

gotta love the subtle sexism present in these posts. women are property, can't be trusted to there own devices, all of them just want to get married, if they have sex before marriage they are giving away the only thing a man wants ..... :rolleyes:

That's great. You do know that "buy" and "rent" are a figure of speech right, which means when you play the field, don't expect your SO to be loyal.....and if your SO is allowed to mess around, or be gratified by the company of an EX, then why would he ever respect his relationship with you..... etc etc..

What you are saying is that you don't have an SO. You play the field or mess around. That's a great plan.

I do know it is a figure of speech, not a very good one in my opinion. And no, I don't play the field. You assume. And I have told the men I have been with in the past that cheating is one one of the reasons I would leave them flat out. No questions, no drama, or second chances. in fact I agree with you. You can't control other people so I don't try to. I trust and enjoy the person I am with, and well, if they cheat on me, I guess I shouldn't be with them right? No, I don't allow the men I am with to "mess around".

And you are right, I don't have a SO. I don't want to get married again as I said in my prior post. Reading this thread has been very insightful and interesting. How men assume if I am not with someone that either I am sleeping around, nobody wants to marry me, or I am a lonely spinster wishing somebody would respond to a profile on match.com. Maybe it's none of the above. Maybe I am alone and OK with that and actually having quite a bit of fun.

Actually, thanks for reminding me that yes, I am definitely OK without a man. :)

I heart you, Tweeze!
I want to be just like you when I grow up.

since when does speaking with folks of the opposite gender, while in a relationship mean you are cheating, or "playing the field?"

thats called "daily life" for me.

Awwwww, J, thanks for the love. :)

Depends on the dialogue.

If it was stuff about "their" children, then you have to tolerate that.

But if it's social or romantic???... No way but that would have to be rare. (maybe not so rare?)

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FWIW... People are people and we all do stupid things. Often the memories of a past lover are erotic and lasting/vivid. IMO we are hard wired that way.
... So how do you stop thinking about those "nice" times?

Very interesting outlooks. Very interesting indeed. I wonder how much of the speak is actual and how much is wishful thinking.

I would like to think I would be cool with my SO having dialogue with an old lover. I want to think I was mature, grown-up, secure. In many ways I would try to convince the world I was 'that guy', cool and confident. The truth is I'm not. I would not like it or tolerate it. I am insecure and frightened. The upside is, I haven't had to experience this on any significant level yet.