|
eric, you're spot on. thank you
|
I agree with Eric to a certain extent. I agree, she laid it all on the table beforehand so she didn't mislead you. She isn't wrong for holding strong to her values, just as you aren't wrong with holding on to yours. My thing is you tried it. And obviously, you have decided that you can't continue it and she can't come to terms with that decision. Unless ONE of you gives, it isn't going to work. And by gives, I don't mean one has to become a vegan, or one has to start eating meat, it comes down to being ok with whatever you two decide because you two have decided being together is more important than anything else in the world.
And Embraer, it takes two to be in a relationship. I don't know all the details of your relationship but one thing I have learned throughout my relationships and couples therapy (a year of it before my divorce), both people in a relationship need to give and take. Don't always be the giver. You will resent the other person in the long run. Don't always be the taker. The other person will resent you. It's a dance. One person gives, the other person takes. Then it switches, then it goes back. It seemed like you gave. Is it her turn? But like I said, I don't know the details of your relationship. Did she give a little more in another area? We have very limited details here and in all fairness, the guys are just responding to the issue you thought was the breaking point in the relationship. As I have said many times before, we women are complicated beings. The vegan thing might just have been a concrete thing to place the blame on... All I know is I wish you luck on whatever you decide to do. The heart is harder to heal and figure out than any other organ. Hugs. |
Kaiden made several great points and I wish you the best throughout this challenging time.
There is , to me, no better example of "this sucks" than not being with someone you love. Please allow me to offer a slightly different slant on this ultimatum. Food is a necessity, along with water to survive. Your food preferences are choices you will make several times a day, everyday until you leave this earth. To me, a very important part of my life. I relish the diversity of my choices and the ability to make my own decisions, mostly, on what I want to eat. I make no demands on what my better half chooses to eat or chooses not to eat. All relationships are give and take, and I live by the 50/50 rule. To ask someone to give up smoking, or dirt bike riding( some will call this a deal breaker) is much different than asking for a change in a necessity of life. Just my 2 cents. Again, good thoughts sent your way. |
Quote:
BTW, there appears to be great inequality in this partnership: it's her way or the highway. Seems the subservience is really on the OP. He submits to her desire, or he can't be with her. Not a good way to be. |
Mike..it's not gonna work...
you know this.. and noted same every time you 'compromised... you let this go on to long/to far.. now you pay the price.. but you knew this day was coming.. you just hoped it wouldn't be this soon or painful.. Rika |
I will give some thoughts, take them as you will.
I feel you are both wrong. Neither of you should be trying to change the other. Does it matter if she is vegan and you eat meat? In the greater universe of being together, not really. Together, if you BOTH desire, you can work that out. The greater issue is the one of actually obtaining the vitamins and minerals required to live and reproduce on a strict vegan diet. There are some medical conditions which will require one to take into their bodies nutrients only available from animal sources (which does not necessarily include meat). We buried a friend not too many months ago who was strict vegan and who died of mineral deficiencies driven from more than a decade of veganism. Can you live as a vegetarian when eating together and a meat eater when she does not have to watch you eat that stuff? Is that truly the issue? I have gone that route previously. What is her underlying reason for actually being a vegan? What is your unerlying reason for actually being a meateater? Other than nutritional issues, does it really matter to you how she eats and is it that much of a deal breaker how you eat? Working through children is another issue. There are so many nutrients they will require that will only be found in animal products (again, not necessarily meats). For example, if she feeds them then breast milk is an animal product and her milk will NOT contain all the nutrition required for healthy brains and bodies. If you use formula then the majority of all fomulas WILL contain animal products in one form or another. Research. And pay attention to all the advice here. Some is bad and will steer your wrong. Other, like Tweeze and Eric above are closer to the mark. Life is too short to be unhappy. Work on what makes you happy!! |
rika, as soon as I saw you posted a reply, I clicked because I knew it would be something insightful. I was right.
the last few replies have definitely been aligned with my feelings. tweeze, matt, and ed have all said some nice things. I did give quite a bit. she did too. I am sad right now. I do worry that I threw something away. ...but ive had a feeling for a while now that it probably wouldn't work. I shouldn't have let it get this far. I don't think I made the mistake of trying to be something that I wasn't...because I gave it a legitimate effort. I thought at the beginning that I could change that lifestyle. I've never met anybody like her. that's not to say that somebody as lovely doesn't exist...but she was a real first for me. genuine, caring, smart, challenging, etc. ive been on lots of first dates...and it was becoming depressing meeting girls with nothing between their ears, no opinions on things, no strong convictions, etc. she provided all of that, and intellectually challenged me. I do feel blessed that I got to know her. she profoundly changed my life, and my outlook on things. ive been a very cynical person for a long time. she taught me to see the best in people. ...something I still struggle with, but at least recognize now. things might work out, things might now. but regardless, the experience has taught me a lot about myself. thanks again for the words. it does mean a lot. |
and david, her reason for being vegan: she feels that no creature has the right to hurt another creature. she feels that as an evolved species, humans should be resourceful enough to get the proper nutrients from other sources, sources that don't harm animals.
I certainly respect her outlook on that. I think it's very noble, and speaks very highly of her character. she wants somebody who shares that same passion, so that she feels like she's not promoting hurting others. if she were to be with somebody who ate meat, she'd feel like she wasn't honoring her commitment to protect living things. I know how off the wall that is for some of you guys, but you'd just have to know her to understand. it goes much deeper than just saying "well, I want to do it, but im ok if you eat meat." it's so much deeper than that. over the last few months, ive had to think long and hard out our future. kids, family get togethers, and my own dietary needs. ive struggled with weight for a long time. I feel BEST when im eating a low carb diet, with lean proteins, and lots of leafy greens. I lost 100lbs last year with diet and exercise. ive found the vegan diet to be very carb heavy and unsatisfying to myself. ive struggled with it for a while. it'll work out the way that it's meant to...but it does hurt for the time being. |
Quote:
Mark Twain said "Nothing so desperately needs reforming as other peoples habits." |
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/V3miuaOWsj8" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
|
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
|
The following has helped me through some challenges in life, be it a divorce or a death of a family member.
"I am hurt, but I am not slain. I will lay me down and bleed awhile, Then I will rise and fight again." St. Barton's Ode. It was true, especially in hindsight. Best wishes Mike. |
Quote:
|
Quote:
Marriage is a big deal, and shouldn't be entered into with concerns or false pretense. I think there are many that hope issues will simply work themselves out, when in reality they will tend to get worse as the glow of a new relationship eventually wears off. There's no perfect person, but there will be one without any significant red flags. Compromise is required in any good relationship, when one or both parties cannot then it's time to move on. Painful, but you both made the right decision. |
You better understand this situation, and learn from it. The older you get, if you don't tame this (making HER the victim of your personal life choices- and making excuses for HER) you will wind up being led around and USED. Chalk it up to pain, suck it up get back on the horse and find someone with less hangups and BS... No one, despite what they say on FB or Match.com wants a doormat for a partner, no one wants a pushover. If you are willing to be the person she wants you to be, you aren't it.
Ever notice the ass holes get the women? There's a reason for that. Not compromising yourself for HER is one of those traits... rjp |
Men marry women, hoping she'll never change.
Women marry men, hoping she can change him. (And usually neither gets their wish!) |
I'm sorry for your pain. I think breaking it off is the right idea though. To make her truly happy I'm afraid you would have to believe eating meat is wrong. Going through the motions for decades wouldn't be satisfactory to either of you.
Speaking of decades hence, and on a lighter note, there comes a time in a man's life when he's more interested in a good ham sandwich than the wife's naked butt, so there's that to consider. |
Isn't a woman who won't eat the meat pretty darn close to complete celibacy?
Then What is she good for? Absolutely nothin Say it Say it Say it |
You didn't read my post. Let me re-iterate.
A vegan is like a religious extremist. I would not want to be with either. Life is just not black and white and that's something you should have learned by your mid-20s. If you are that idealistic and naive past your teens, something isn't right. And like Onewhippedpuppy says - if things aren't 200% great during dating, don't even think about marriage. Life is supposed to be EASIER being married, as you complement each other. Marriage and having a family will bring a lot of points where you need to agree or find a compromise that works. Are you going to want to get an ultimatum at every fork in the road due to some religious belief that you don't share? I suggest to better find someone you hit it off with well, otherwise every step of the way will be a struggle. Also consider who you get your advice from. We are NOT all a bunch of bitter, frustrated and divorced mid-aged guys. Many of us have been in very successful LTRs. That's after dating and finding out what doesn't work. G |
George is absolutely correct. While we definitely have some bitter old men here, we have a lot of long time married guys as well. 11 years here (not long time yet), first marriage, no regrets. But marriage isn't always easy, and if you aren't on the same page with foundational issues like kids, how you will raise your kids, religion, money management, and career goals then you'll be SOL when things get tough.
|
| All times are GMT -8. The time now is 01:29 PM. |
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2025, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0
Copyright 2025 Pelican Parts, LLC - Posts may be archived for display on the Pelican Parts Website