Taking in a parent with cancer

[mistertate]

Does anybody have any experience taking in a parent with a terminal illness or cancer?
My mom has entered the final stages of cancer and we think we would rather take her into our home to die than spend a bunch of money to put her somewhere with a bunch of strangers. Currently she just sleeps 23 hours a day, eats 2 bites of food and hasn't pooped in 2 weeks. We're thinking it won't be that much work but if it gets too bad we can always move her later. I think it would be so much nicer just being able to go down the hall and check on her than to have to drive somewhere and see here surrounded by the kind of people we can afford. Hospice would also come to our house for their services.
We're not worried about having someone die in our house.
Let me know what you think.

[stomachmonkey]

I think if you can manage it it's the right thing to do.

Given the choice of spending hours a day at a hospice and having her pass by herself in the middle of the night or having her pass at home with the knowledge that she went peacefully and not alone I know which I would take.

Having said that the fact that you asked and considered the options means that whatever decision you do reach is the right one and the best one for both you and your mother.

My condolences.

[look 171]

I would do that in a heart beat without thinking twice about it. I am sorry to hear about your mom's situation.

[Por_sha911]

BTDT. Hospice is your friend. There were two different hospices in this area. One was run by an SDA group and they wanted to charge us some serious money. WTH? The other was free and they had great counselors to help sort through things emotionally as well.

[Laneco]

First...I'm so sorry this is happening to her and to you (her family).

Hospice is your first stop and will provide palliative procedures and show you how to administer them. This will include medications, pain management, hydration, food, and body waste.

Choose the room with care. The hospital beds take up a fair amount of space. We chose the living room for my Father. He felt part of the family life when he was awake and it turned out to be much more practical than the bedroom because there was room around the bed, for people to stand, help him, etc. We could move the bed as needed, and the auxiliary equipment (breathing apparatus, portable toilet, etc) all could be stored/moved nearby. When he needed private moments, we would leave the room and hang out in the kitchen - near but out of site. We used the couch as a 2nd bed for the person watching him, toward the end, we could not leave him alone even for a few minutes.

At the point where the person is sleeping almost all the time, not eating, and not pooping - they are in the end times. No one can tell you if it is a matter of a few days or longer. Sometimes people rally and what you initially thought would be a very brief time can turn out to be longer - sometimes even months longer. If that proves the case, then you will need respite for the caregivers. Reach out to hospice for that.

Near the end, some odd things may happen and you should be prepared for them. Each person's end of life experience is different. Many just quietly slip away. Others have weird dreams or even nightmares that border on panic attacks. For my father, the nightmares were panic attacks where he would scream and cry out for people. At first, they were only for people who were around him (me, my Mom, my Aunt, etc). In the last few days, he called out and even talked to people who were already dead, like his brother and his Mother (oddly, never his father). The last day or two, he talked to them and there was no more panic. Guess he worked it out and then crossed over.

Make a list of the duties that must be attended to after death. Hospice will help you with that and will know what the procedures are for your state to declare a person as dead. Their body must be picked up and obviously, cremation/burial details completed. The medical apparatus including the hospital bed will be picked up and the medications disposed of/destroyed. These are often regulated medications, so know and follow the procedures. Family and friend notifications must be made, and I suggest an obituary notice be made before death - hard to gather the details of a person's life later (as family members tend to choke up and be unable to give the information you might need).

When the equipment is gone from the room, vacuum it thoroughly to remove the marks in the carpet if it is carpeted, and move the furniture around in the room. I know you don't think it will bother you when someone dies in your house but you will spend weeks afterward walking past or through the room and the conspicuous absence of the person and bed remind you EVERY TIME that they are gone. Throw a table up, boxes, move the couch, whatever. Don't leave the empty space in the room that your Mom's passing will leave in your heart.

Thank you for doing this for her, and prayers/kind thoughts to you in this time.

angela

[70SATMan]

All good advice. That's what was done for my wife's grandmother who had brain cancer.

[jyl]

My father in law died at home, in his living room, surrounded by his family. It was much better that way, and you should do it if you can.

Make sure you get instructed on pain meds - the hospice did not tell us the correct way to dose him and he suffered unnecessary pain in the final days. Dying people don't have much saliva to dissolve oral meds.

[mistertate]

Excellent, thank you for the helpful responses and sympathy.
We are already enrolled in hospice and they will supply us with a hospital bed. My wife really shines in situations such as this and I have her to thank for so much as well.

[futuresoptions]

Sorry to hear about your situation... No easy way for it to go, but I hope it works out in a way that you feel that she is receiving the best care she can from those who love her, I know it will mean a lot to her....

[tweezers74]

I was a hospice nurse for several years and loved it. I did home health hospice so I am very familiar with everything entailed. I am hopping on a plane and can not respond in more detail but if you want to send me a PM about ANY questions you may have, please do so.

And I so believe passing at home is much more peaceful and intimate for the family. Your hospice nurse is your resource person and will help you with all phases. The family is our patient, not just the person with the terminal disease. So please make sure you take care of yourself otherwise you will not provide support to your loved one.

Again, PM me with ANY question. Hugs to you and your family.

[tweezers74]

And just wanted to add I have 16 years as an oncology nurse as well.

[DonDavis]

Great words from all. I think Angela's advice is top notch.

Best to you and may she have a smooth journey.

God Bless,
Don

[Rot 911]

All excellent advice. And having been in a situation where I was in the hospital, and there was a possibility I was not going to be leaving with my eyes open, I can tell you that there is nothing lonelier than waking up in a hospital bed, in the middle of the night, and there is no one around.

[Rusty Heap]

Presently I'm in this very situation.......and the end is near....be prepared to provide 24/7 care, and it's emotionally, mentally, and physically EXHAUSTING.


this morning, bed ridden in her "lived here since 1967" living room, me sleeping on the couch, hearing her mumble in her dementia, it took 1 hour, to get mom out of the hospital bed, to the portable bedside commode, and back into the hospital bed............yes, one, whole, hour.......full time Catheter was inserted today to drain thank goodness. Something about the smell of urine, but just being honest of what could be ahead of you.


Advanced cancer patients, and all the meds their on, slowly shuts down the body functions............mentally exhausting for a son or daughter, but you gotta do what you gotta do.

9 months this journey of our family has traveled.

Hospice aides are golden special people.


My favorite saying presently is "Mom is driving the bus, the rest of us are just along for the ride".


You can't have Rainbows, without Rain. May your sun shine bright on the rollercoaster of life.

[Seahawk]

I have read the OP and the responses a number of times with a feeling of goodness in my heart that such fine people are willing to ask for advice in a most difficult circumstance and receive such caring responses.

The only real regret I have in my life is that I wasn't there when my Mother passed away from aggressive cancer. She had been in and out of the hospital and died within hours of her last visit. She died while I was enroute by plane from DC.

I would have treasured the opportunity to help care for my Mother in her life's dénouement. Bless you for being willing to do with you parent what I unfortunately could not with mine.

[jyl]

My wife has cared for a few of her family in their final weeks. She's the one who responds and has the time and empathy. Last was her niece and mother of two who died in her early thirties from brain cancer. One thing she (wife) told me is that there will be a couple days near the end when the dying person feels better, and that is an important time for people to visit and sit with, talk, remember. I may have that wrong, others here will know more. I also don't know if your mother in law is past that point. I think (?) if her bowels have ceased working, it is pretty close.

[john70t]

Originally Posted by mistertate

we think we would rather take her into our home to die than spend a bunch of money to put her somewhere with a bunch of strangers.

Ask her what she wants, and listen.

Originally Posted by mistertate

We're not worried about having someone die in our house.

Good. Make preperations which will work best. Listen. Talk. Respect.

[VincentVega]

Such a nice thing you are doing. I wish your family well.

[BRPORSCHE]

Rusty,

I know it's a difficult time...but if ya ever need someone to talk to about bacon, scallops, and cast iron just give me a ring. I can't imagine the strain on your life now.

[rsNINESOOPER]

death with dignity and love is rare these days-

don't we all owe it at least to the ones who brought us into the world?

you are good people to do this.