Mentoring at-risk youth

[Aggie93]

Does anyone here have experience mentoring youth, especially at-risk youth?

I'm in the middle of getting vetted as a mentor. The organization matches mentors with children with incarcerated parents. I've only attended an informational meeting and have not had an individual interview, which I think will be scheduled soon since they just called my references.

This will be my first time mentoring. I do have concerns that I'm in over my head, but I think that might just be preparing for the worse.

Any questions that I should ask during the interview?

Anyone have positive or negative experiences to share?

[Aggie93]

bumping this. Anyone? Big-Brothers, Big-Sisters?

[Icemaster]

Need more information about what kind of mentoring. School? Social? Familial? Questions to ask are going to depend on what the goal is. At a minimum:

Get them to qualify what 'at risk' means. Having a parent in prison can lead to other problems. Kids act out in a variety of ways - criminal social and sexual depending on what they've had go on in the home.

You'll want to know a lot about the background of the kid you mentor, whos in and out of the picture family-wise; what's homelife like, medications, associated counseling etc.

You're going to need to know as much about what in the organizations eyes, makes a successful mentor.

You'll want to know what your limits and responsibilities are; how far you can go with mentoring the kid and when its up to you to call something in that you hear or sense is goign on thru your discussions. How accessible are you expected to be, and decide for yourself how accessible you're willing to be.

How think a skin do you need to have?

Biggest thing I learned is to listen. Most of the time kids have no one to listen to them and/or feel they need to posture. Ask them about this as well.

[fastfredracing]

No information for you, but curious to see how it goes. This is something that I thought I might like to do at some point in my life. What organization ? You are a good man for doing this.

[wdfifteen]

God bless you for doing this. Wish I could help but I have no experience. Trying to help with two step grandsons and I am in over my head.

[azasadny]

All youth are "at risk" aren't they? I know what you mean...

[LakeCleElum]

Although never a formal Mentor, I did deal with a lot of "at risk" youth during my career. A few thoughts:

Try to be paired up with as young of a candidate as possible. Young enough that you can have input to their values and before peer pressure takes over.

Be prepared to be disappointed no matter how hard you try.

Try to avoid becoming involved with a household that has a history of drug involvement.

Ask for complete disclosure of the parent(s) background.

Don't be too generous with money and gifts, you become a target to be taken advantage of. Example, maybe bring groceries to the house instead of giving cash.

Try to get the youth involved in team sports.

Mentor and be an example of traits like: Kindness, compassion, integrity, loyalty, communication, etc.

Be a friend and always there to talk thru issues/problems.

Don't be too "trusting" with the youth, his family or peers. Maintain your personal security.

Wishing you the best of luck and let us know how it progresses.

[mikesride]

This is great until the mother continually stalks you as her next great mate.......and the kid ends up burning down your garden shed........But please don't let my experiences effect your decision!
Now that I have a family in the home again I don't think I would expose them to this but if I was still single I would probably do it again......when it works out it great.
I have personally mentored 6 boys and have had exactly half of those boys go on to better things.....the other three have taken another very dark path.

[recycled sixtie]

For me it is coming up to close to 30 years ago. I volunteered for Big Brothers.
I was freshly separated from my first wife(no children) so I felt a need to give.
I was never told what the youth I was supposed to mentor had done but I am guessing it was break and enter. Even while I was mentoring him he had reoffended but I was never told what he had done nor did I ask.

I used to take "Joe" out for long walks in the country.I am guessing Joe was about 16 yo. We were walking along a country road and came across an abandoned house.
Doors were wide open. I suggested that we take a walk through the house. He responded "yeah".

I would listen to him and was very patient. He had a mother but no father around. I really don't know if I made an impression on him. After a few months he moved down east to be closer to some relatives. That was the last I heard from him. As the above says don't have high expectations of your subject. All you have to do is be a decent human being.....
G.

[Aggie93]

Thank you everyone.

My in home interview is tomorrow. I'll update this tomorrow.

Fred, the organization is Amachi Pittsburgh. It just fell in my lap. There was a thread here back in November that discussed charity work and prompted me looking for something that wouldn't be "enabling" (for lack of a better word). Found a different mentoring organization in Pittsburgh. I thought that would be a way to help that wasn't a handout. That was a Wednesday. I didn't contact them at the time. Then at church that Sunday, one of the parishioners made an announcement that Amachi was going to hold an informational meeting. Too much of a coincidence.

[Rusty914s]

I have a kid that I've been trying to help for 17 years. It seems like if there is a decision to be made, I tell him X and he does Y. He is now a 27 year old child.

It is annoying but I continue on.

I hope the best for you, I think that it's the only way for some of these kids to have a chance at something better.

[jhynesrockmtn]

Former COO/CEO at Big Brothers/Big Sisters and Boys and Girls Club here. Happy to answer questions if you want to pm me. My experience, be there, consistency, listen, patience, don't expect too much too quickly, these kids have a really hard time trusting people, know your boundaries and maintain them with him and the family. If you get in to this do some research on what it takes for kids to be successful. Paul Tough wrote a great book on how children succeed.

[Buckterrier]

Originally Posted by Aggie93

Does anyone here have experience mentoring youth, especially at-risk youth?

I'm in the middle of getting vetted as a mentor. The organization matches mentors with children with incarcerated parents. I've only attended an informational meeting and have not had an individual interview, which I think will be scheduled soon since they just called my references.

This will be my first time mentoring. I do have concerns that I'm in over my head, but I think that might just be preparing for the worse.

Any questions that I should ask during the interview?

Anyone have positive or negative experiences to share?

Good for you & VERY good luck to you tomorrow. No words of wisdom. One of my customers did the Big Sister thing. Was difficult for her. I'm not sure how it all turned out.

Originally Posted by jhynesrockmtn

Former COO/CEO at Big Brothers/Big Sisters and Boys and Girls Club here. Happy to answer questions if you want to pm me. My experience, be there, consistency, listen, patience, don't expect too much too quickly, these kids have a really hard time trusting people, know your boundaries and maintain them with him and the family. If you get in to this do some research on what it takes for kids to be successful. Paul Tough wrote a great book on how children succeed.

You guys are to be blessed. Thank you. I've thought many times of being a BB as I have no children. Just never pulled the trigger.

[john70t]

Good of you for offering a hand up, but don't overextend.
You can only show what doors are open and readily available, what doors are locked, why, and how to earn the keys for those locked doors.

With purposeful focus with youthful exuberance, more niches are available in life than many of us realize.

[Dan J]

No Experience but Good on You for doing it
Best of luck!!

[Aggie93]

Update. Sorry, this will be rambling.

Biggest take away was the ability to accept or decline a potential mentee. They conduct a detailed interview with the mentee and his family. I'll have full access to the mentee's in home interview.

There was a checklist of over a dozen items that I could select if those issues would be non-starters (ADD, smoking, lying, depression...) or okay. I indicated that the only item that would be a non-starter was family drug use. I said I thought I could handle everything else as long as they were minor. I would also have the opportunity to pass after hearing specifics. To help find common ground, there was a section for hobbies and interests that each mark off.

Age wise I selected 7-9 first and 10-12 second. Didn't select 4-6 or 13-16. I think those are the ages I'm most comfortable. From my own daughters, I learned I can only play Chutes n' Ladders so many times. I also, don't want to deal with the teenage years at the beginning.

The organization believes in strict boundaries. We set up times for the sessions and there is no "baby sitting." Siblings could come on occasion, no friends.

I am not bound to report abuse unless I see it firsthand. I'm supposed to report suspicion to the organization. They can follow it up under the guise of a standard follow up meeting.

The goals for the relationship are specific to each relationship. The mentee's family states what their goals are. I gave a pretty broad general goal of wanting to broaden their opportunities and experiences. Help them learn to make good choices. Teach life skills that I probably take for granted.

I have been told on numerous times that mentors are not parents, therapists, or bankers. Parents are told this as well as not Santa Clause.

The organization has just started a program with a low performing school district. Looks like my mentee will come from there and not be someone with a parent in prison, although the mentees that have been placed did have a parent in prison.

Now I wait.

[Buckterrier]

Thank you for the update Aggie. I lot of times these types of threads just float away into cyberspace. Keep up the good work!

[Aggie93]

Another update. Two boys have been selected and I'm to choose one.

On the surface one appears like a much easier mentee, but the other would benefit more. These are the notes from the interview with the organization.

Boy 1

• 10 years old
• talkative and outgoing
• has sister in same program
• no contact with father, but has step-father living at home and appears to be a stable relationship and a good guy. He does not have an issue with step-son having a mentor.

Boy 2

• 13 years old, 7th grade
• More shy, but warmed up
• Funny
• No contact with father, no adult male role model in his life.
• 15 year old sister.
• 5 other siblings living in foster care or similar. Mom was involved in 6 year CPS case which ultimately won and got two of her kids back (son is one of them). I don't know the status of others.
• Decent grades A, B, C. but has an Individualized Education Plan.
• I think I'd want a little more info on the reasons for the IEP if possible. My initial research revealed that they are set up after extensive evaluation. She suspected it might be due to his circumstance with CPS to get more attention at school. It didn't seem like enough to warrant from what I read. Not sure if there is wiggle room to take in to consideration the fact that he was removed from his mom for 5-6 years. The interviewer didn't see any indication of a disability during the interview. I don't think it would be in her best interest to sugar coat. She knows it is my first time and wouldn't want to promote a poor match.
• The mom indicated that she wanted the mentor to help with communication skills, which seems coincidental since I started Toastmasters just over a year ago.

Most of me is saying to mentor Boy #2, but concerned about getting in over my head and #1 appears would be an easier relationship. Does the brain trust have any thoughts?

[MRM]

My take on it is that number two is likely to be the easier mentee over the long term. He's shy but warms up, which is a good sign, and he's a little older. I think this wins out over a talkative and outgoing 10 year old.

IEPs are not necessarily a big deal. If the kid seems fine to you, I don't think an IEP would matter to you unless you're going to be working on homework with him. His grades are better than mine were at that stage in my life.

I don't think you're going to be in over your head with number two. I'd take him out and try to introduce him to the larger world. You know what had the biggest impact on changing my life when I was that age? First, I visited my father's office. We lived on a farm well outside of town, so it was a real learning experience just to see a professional working environment and see my dad functioning in it. It made me think that I could do it too if someone I knew had figured out how to get there and survive.

Second, visits to the library. The architecture of libraries is so cool that it just makes you feel good about yourself wandering the stacks. And the mystery of what is in the books can't help but get your interest. If he needs work on communications skills, he does not read well. You would do well to find some books that would interest a boy that age and start reading them to him for a half hour or so when you meet each week. My father read to my bother and me well into high school. He enjoyed it too and it lead to a lifelong love of reading for me. If there is one skill that can compensate for the lack of others, it is reading. I am proof that good verbal skills can cover up a host of other deficits. If I ever lost a finger I couldn't count to ten. I strongly recommend action-adventure books like Where the Red Fern Grows, Old Yeller, and its sequel, Savage Sam. I'm sure no one has ever read out loud to him. Once he gets used to it he'll beg you to read more. Don't insist that he read to you or read on his own until he gets the urge on his own. It's like swimming, he'll jump in when he's ready.

And finally, going out to eat in sit down restaurants. That teaches you how to conduct yourself in a middle class manner and teaches you all the social skills you'll need in life. It's a great confidence builder, opens the world up, gives you something to aspire to when you grow up and pay the check yourself, and is a lot of fun.

With that exposure I gained aspirations to make something of myself and had the confidence that I could really do it. Once I formed the aspirations, I was able to do the rest myself. Now you've got me so excited now that I want to go mentor number 2!

[vash]

My wife did. She took it serious and the kid benefitted. She wants me to try it. Maybe teach a kid to fish and hunt or something. The responsibility scares me.

Good on you aggie
!


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