My best friend died of Cancer recently, I want to ask his wife for something

[mikester]

So yeah, my best friend died from cancer a few days ago. It totally sucks, I flew into Florida yesterday and spent the afternoon with her and their daughter and some family and what not.

I was there today and we were just talking and I picked up his guitars and played them a bit. About 10 or so years ago I got him started by teaching him a bit of what I knew and then he went on his own and got lessons and got pretty good.

He was a couple of years older than me and basically was like a big brother to me, he gave me a lot but I don't mean stuff. I mean he helped me get on the right path, handle life, etc. While my friendship is certainly something and I know I did help him as much as he helped me in life but one thing I felt good about giving him was a bit of music through the guitar.

I want to ask her for one of them. I'm not sure if that's okay. I don't need it, I can live with out it just as much as I am sure I can live without him. I just think if I had one of his guitars to play, it might hurt just a little less. They aren't great guitars or anything, a Tacoma or an Epiphone...

I've just never been in this position before. I've had family die, my grandparents passed away and they were pretty well off and they passed things down to me but ultimately all I needed was my memories of them. I do have a few 'things' that tie to them that I do cherish. I have a reel that is identical to one my grandfather loved, I have their dining room furniture which my grandmother adored. I have things of my Dad's and of my Mom's that tie me to them (they are still alive though). I didn't really feel as strong about that stuff though as I feel about this.

I held his guitar today, I played it for a while just while we were talking and when I went to put it back in its case, it hurt.

Can I ask? Is that okay? I've never been in this position before.

I have to give his eulogy tomorrow.

[KFC911]

Very sorry for your loss Mikester. I certainly don't see anything wrong with asking for something (that isn't of huge value) to remember your friend by, and the guitar would seem perfect. Are you close to his wife? The timing is "the thing" ...don't want to ask at an inappropriate moment either imo. The worse you can get is a "no". I wish you the best tomorrow...some days life just sucks, and you're probably gonna have one of those. Be well and best wishes...

[dennis in se pa]

Perfectly normal. I am sure they will be happy to accommodate you.

[livi]

Sorry for your loss. I would tell her exactly how you feel regarding the guitar.

[VFR750]

Just be prepared for "no". She may have gotten a lot of pleasure from him playing to her. I think the way to approach this is talk about your feelings for him and how the guitar represents him. Be prepared for a similar story. Go with what happens next, she may give it to you, or she may not.

Either way it sucks. You lost a friend, she lost her husband, kid doesn't' have a father. Sorry for the loss. Sounds like a good guy.

[oldE]

Mike,

Sorry for the loss of your friend.
I've been in the same situation a couple of times. If I really wanted the guitar, I would ask my friend's widow to sell it to me, with the understanding his daughter would get it if she took up guitar.

Best
Les

[billybek]

Originally Posted by oldE

Mike,

Sorry for the loss of your friend.
I've been in the same situation a couple of times. If I really wanted the guitar, I would ask my friend's widow to sell it to me, with the understanding his daughter would get it if she took up guitar.

Best
Les

This...

Sorry to hear of your friends passing.

[stomachmonkey]

Mike,

Sorry about your friend.

As others have said, ask her, tell her what it would mean to you. She can only say yes or no.

[Rot 911]

I would show her what you just wrote. That was from the heart.

[motion]

Very sorry for your loss.

I think its the wrong time to ask for the guitar. The family is grieving. Perhaps ask if you can "borrow" it for a length of time, with the understanding that they can ask for it back easily at any time. The time you'll have with the guitar will help you, and they'll know that they won't be losing it.

[Moses]

I would never ask a grieving family for anything. Ever. Their sorrow and yours are not comparable. I wouldn't ask to borrow or buy anything.

They are overwhelmed and watching his personal possessions walk away may feel like they are losing another part of him. They may not be ready to let go. Right now all conversations should be about the family and the emotional support you can offer them.

In time, when the clouds have lifted a bit they may offer you his guitar. But I would never ask for it. That's just me.

[sammyg2]

Originally Posted by mikester

So yeah, my best friend died from cancer a few days ago. It totally sucks, I flew into Florida yesterday and spent the afternoon with her and their daughter and some family and what not.

I was there today and we were just talking and I picked up his guitars and played them a bit. About 10 or so years ago I got him started by teaching him a bit of what I knew and then he went on his own and got lessons and got pretty good.

He was a couple of years older than me and basically was like a big brother to me, he gave me a lot but I don't mean stuff. I mean he helped me get on the right path, handle life, etc. While my friendship is certainly something and I know I did help him as much as he helped me in life but one thing I felt good about giving him was a bit of music through the guitar.

I want to ask her for one of them. I'm not sure if that's okay. I don't need it, I can live with out it just as much as I am sure I can live without him. I just think if I had one of his guitars to play, it might hurt just a little less. They aren't great guitars or anything, a Tacoma or an Epiphone...

I've just never been in this position before. I've had family die, my grandparents passed away and they were pretty well off and they passed things down to me but ultimately all I needed was my memories of them. I do have a few 'things' that tie to them that I do cherish. I have a reel that is identical to one my grandfather loved, I have their dining room furniture which my grandmother adored. I have things of my Dad's and of my Mom's that tie me to them (they are still alive though). I didn't really feel as strong about that stuff though as I feel about this.

I held his guitar today, I played it for a while just while we were talking and when I went to put it back in its case, it hurt.

Can I ask? Is that okay? I've never been in this position before.

I have to give his eulogy tomorrow.

Doesn't sound right to me. Offer to buy it a year from now.

[crustychief]

Sorry to hear about your friend Mike.

[onewhippedpuppy]

Originally Posted by Moses

I would never ask a grieving family for anything. Ever. Their sorrow and yours are not comparable. I wouldn't ask to borrow or buy anything.

They are overwhelmed and watching his personal possessions walk away may feel like they are losing another part of him. They may not be ready to let go. Right now all conversations should be about the family and the emotional support you can offer them.

In time, when the clouds have lifted a bit they may offer you his guitar. But I would never ask for it. That's just me.

I tend to agree with Moses. While it's tough to lose a great friend, it's even tougher to lose a husband and father. I would give them some time and see if it comes up.

[VaSteve]

Tough call. When my dad passed he left instructions on what do with his nice stuff. Who to call etc. For the rest of it, it was a giant burden getting rid of it. It might seem as welcome to the widow as one last thing to unload.

However I have seen family fueds over some crappy violin stored in an attic for many years unused. As if it was a Stradivarius.

[mikester]

Originally Posted by Moses

I would never ask a grieving family for anything. Ever. Their sorrow and yours are not comparable. I wouldn't ask to borrow or buy anything.

They are overwhelmed and watching his personal possessions walk away may feel like they are losing another part of him. They may not be ready to let go. Right now all conversations should be about the family and the emotional support you can offer them.

In time, when the clouds have lifted a bit they may offer you his guitar. But I would never ask for it. That's just me.

I do too.

The easy thing to do is to just buy one that looks like it but not it.

I asked them about his playing and they said the last couple of years (the time they were married) he wasn't playing much if at all but spending more time on the piano. Still doesn't really matter.

Like I said, the easy thing to do is to just get one like it but not it.

I've always kind of thought that sometimes what is easy and what is right are not the same thing. In this case, I'm not sure which is which. My worry is that I won't see them again, as close as I was with my friend. The last few years while we talked often over the phone we didn't see each other much and for the last year while he was fighting cancer he fell off the map and didn't tell any of his friends what was going on and wouldn't let her tell anyone. I want to stay close to them but living on the other side of the country will make that a challenge.

I want to make sure I do stay connected and close so his daughter can at least know people who knew her father (she is 17 months old). I don't want the guitar to be that motivation.

Never once has a 'thing' mattered to me like this. I've given up things I wanted from loved ones to others in the family if there was ever a conflict of desire without a second though. Never once have I had trouble letting go of a thing. I'm kind of surprised to be honest.

[LeeH]

I do a lot of resale and can tell you that a lot of nice things end up being sold off at estate sales because the family has no connection to the vast majority of the belongings of their loved ones. Once his wife is done mourning, she may feel the need to clear out his old stuff pretty quickly. Last thing you want to find out is that she sold it off on Craigslist just to make it go away.

Honesty is the best policy. I think I'd wait a couple of weeks and write her a letter. Tell her how much he meant to you as a friend. Explain that you felt a connection to him while holding the guitar.

"Please understand that I'm not asking for you to sell me his guitar. It may be the sort of thing that YOU want to keep forever, and rightly so. I just ask that if you ever decide to part with it in the future, no matter how distant, that you keep me in mind. I'd happily pay fair market value and would cherish it for the rest of my life."

[FPB111]

Originally Posted by LeeH

I do a lot of resale and can tell you that a lot of nice things end up being sold off at estate sales because the family has no connection to the vast majority of the belongings of their loved ones. Once his wife is done mourning, she may feel the need to clear out his old stuff pretty quickly. Last thing you want to find out is that she sold it off on Craigslist just to make it go away.

Honesty is the best policy. I think I'd wait a couple of weeks and write her a letter. Tell her how much he meant to you as a friend. Explain that you felt a connection to him while holding the guitar.

"Please understand that I'm not asking for you to sell me his guitar. It may be the sort of thing that YOU want to keep forever, and rightly so. I just ask that if you ever decide to part with it in the future, no matter how distant, that you keep me in mind. I'd happily pay fair market value and would cherish it for the rest of my life."

This. /\

[nostatic]

Originally Posted by FPB111

This. /\

+2 - now is not the time to ask favors of the family

sorry for the loss of your friend

[Cajundaddy]

Originally Posted by LeeH

I do a lot of resale and can tell you that a lot of nice things end up being sold off at estate sales because the family has no connection to the vast majority of the belongings of their loved ones. Once his wife is done mourning, she may feel the need to clear out his old stuff pretty quickly. Last thing you want to find out is that she sold it off on Craigslist just to make it go away.

Honesty is the best policy. I think I'd wait a couple of weeks and write her a letter. Tell her how much he meant to you as a friend. Explain that you felt a connection to him while holding the guitar.

"Please understand that I'm not asking for you to sell me his guitar. It may be the sort of thing that YOU want to keep forever, and rightly so. I just ask that if you ever decide to part with it in the future, no matter how distant, that you keep me in mind. I'd happily pay fair market value and would cherish it for the rest of my life."

This^^

If she doesn't plan to keep it she will most likely want it to go to a friend. Let her know that you do have an interest but allow her time to grieve.