Well, this sucks.

SilberUrS6 · 10-15-2014, 02:26 PM

I have been a little busy lately. It seems as though I am some sort of "go to" guy for this particular issue, and I don't know how that happened. I am a chemist, not a mental health professional. I don't know anything about mental health, and will not pretend to know.

Recently, my cousin committed suicide. While this is not remarkable in any broader sense, it was a problem for me in that he was a combat infantry veteran who had some trouble with the VA in getting treatment for PTSD. He felt as though his doctor didn't care about what he saw ans did in Afghanistan and Iraq, and that I was the only guy that actually would listen to what he said. Having never seen combat myself, I didn't understand much of what was going on with him, but I was willing to listen, and if nothing else, sit with him. We were close before he decided to join the Army, and I supported him in his choice to serve. He served four years overseas, and came back completely different. Before, he was fun and jovial, and when he came back, he was serious and frightened. He lived with us for a while, until my wife said "him or me", because she was scared of his anger. His anger wasn't aimed at her, but I understood. I found him an apartment, and tried to help him find civilian employment. He drank a lot to get to sleep at night, and then more in the morning to keep the hangover off. He wouldn't go to bed without a loaded pistol, no matter how much we begged him not to. He'd have nightmares, and we worried a little about that.

Well, a round from that pistol ended his life. Even though I never saw combat, he trusted me with what he saw and did. I don't understand some of it, but I do get that it is something no rational person would ever choose on purpose. I loved my cousin like a younger brother, and am angry that the VA couldn't provide the help he needed. After some of the things that happened after he got back, and when he was living with us, I can tell you that some vets come back very different people. I am glad that I was able to provide him something of comfort when he came back. I am sad that I wasn't able to do more. For all you guys that wear the CIB, I wish I could understand where you're coming from, but at the same time, I wouldn't wish your experiences on my worst enemy. You sacrificed a lot to wear that badge, I know that now.

It makes a lot of stuff seem kind pathetic and stupid in comparison.

HardDrive · 10-15-2014, 02:34 PM

Thank you for reaching out and helping him. There is only so much we can control. I'm sorry for your loss.

DanielDudley · 10-15-2014, 02:42 PM

The problem with drinking your problems away is that they never get processed or resolved, and then, in a while, you have TWO problems.

I'm sorry about your cousin. You did everything that you knew how to do. The problem is, that you can't help someone escape from Hell if you haven't been there yourself. My wife and I give to the Wounded Warriors Foundation, and my wife does benefit fund raisers. This year we will think of your cousin as we remember those still in need.

May he find peace at last, and may you find peace as well. Love counts for a lot. Remember the good years , and if you need someone to talk to, we are here for you. All of us.

Vipergrün · 10-15-2014, 02:47 PM

you're a good man for being supportive and helping him. I think it almost criminal the way we treat (or don't treat) our vets.

jhynesrockmtn · 03:35 PM

Very sorry for your loss. Life and it's problems seem small lately. One of my best friends went in to hospice today. 4 months ago racing cars, running and cycling like a 25 year old, now days from dying.

The last statistic I saw said 22 vest commit suicide daily. I run a small equine therapy program that serves vets. This gentleman and soldier is one of my riders. It gets a bit conspiracy theorist toward the end and that may turn a few off but it is very well worth watching.

KFC911 · 10-15-2014, 02:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SilberUrS6

....It makes a lot of stuff seem kind pathetic and stupid in comparison.

Thank you for sharing Eric. Sometimes life just sucks. Don't let this get YOU down...be well.

SilberUrS6 · 04:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jhynesrockmtn

I run a small equine therapy program that serves vets.

When my cousin lived with us, he could not be separated from our dog. He loved our dog, and would take her for walks, and feed her, and brush her - that dog was a constant companion. I almost considered letting her go with him when he moved out. But I knew he'd not be able to take care of her. Even though he doted on her and was her constant companion, he would forget some of the most basic things about caring for a pet.

And the fact that the dog was meant for my kids, and not for him. I would have got my kids another dog if I would have had confidence in his ability to take care of the current one. Yet another thing I feel guilty about. Add it to the stack.

Yeah, he'd talk to me, when he wouldn't talk to a VA professional. When he wasn't drunk, he was silent and morose. When he was drunk, he was either very angry, or weepy. And I was the only one who could be with him at any time. I really don't know why he trusted me. I wasn't in his unit. I never fired a shot in anger. I never had anyone fire a weapon at me. I never saw any of the stuff he did. But he had nightmares. Both at night and during the day.

He loved my 3.2. He loved sitting in it. But I couldn't take him for a drive. Two blocks, and he'd be freaking out. One time, I came around a corner, and an SUV was sitting on the side of the road. He went apeschitt. It was all I could do to get him home. And when we were in the garage, he apologized and told me how much he loved riding in my car. That part just kills me, even now. He loved riding in the car, but I couldn't ever get him out of the neighborhood. IEDs and suicide bombers everywhere. His hell is over now, but I am now just glimpsing the horror of it all. I have to admit, the other day, I saw a box on the side of the road, and just for an instant, I wondered. I can't imagine living that way.

My PP brothers, this hurts a lot. And my cousin was so proud of his service. And we were proud and thankful, too. And yet...

craigster59 · craigster59's Garage

Eric, thanks so much for reaching out to your cousin. The bonds made with your brothers in arms reach beyond the comprehension of those that have never served, not trying to sound elitist, that's just the way I feel. I'm sure he appreciated you being there for him, too bad our VA couldn't do the same.

I feel there's going to be a large segment of our vets that will need long term care to deal with injuries both physical and mental in the next few years, if not now. I'm sure it's not going to change overnight, but Washington needs to step up and deal with this problem.

I work with vets through Project Healing Waters. I was a Combat Engineer, but anyone can volunteer. Just getting them away and out into nature is a great thing, much less teaching them the art of flyfishing (or the frustration of flyfishing in my case

). Changes won't happen overnight, but every little bit helps. Again, thanks for stepping up and I hope you can help other vets, your cousin would be proud.
Project Healing Waters > Home

oldE · 10-15-2014, 03:57 PM

Eric,

Your cousin gave so much more than an oath in the service of his country.

May he be at peace.

My heart goes out to you and to your family.

Les

Baz · Baz's Garage

Hello Eric - that is so sad but you did a lot for your cousin as did your dog. Your wife was just trying to help in her own way, I'm sure - although I guess ultimately it didn't help your cousin making him move out.

I applaud your efforts and respect that you were willing to share this story with us.

Our VA has a long way to go, IMO to be able to properly assist our military folks.

SilberUrS6 · 10-15-2014, 04:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by oldE

Eric,

Your cousin gave so much more than an oath in the service of his country.

Les, it is my opinion that he gave everything he had for this nation. And that includes his life.

His nation did not serve him well when he came home, but I tried very hard to do so.

And failed miserably. No, I should not have been expected to do so, that is true. But I was family. And he trusted me.

My PP friends - I will ask you simply this: If you or a family member wishes to serve the USA by joining and armed service, point them toward something that does not involve actively killing people with small arms. I have seen what happens after.

jhynesrockmtn · 10-15-2014, 04:10 PM

Eric,

Where are you in eastern WA? I'm in Spokane. Again, sorry for your loss. One of the horrible things about PTSD and those proud folks it affects is they don't ask for help and the VA system is something most of them are even less likely to count on. So many have been let down.

My program will be screening a film about one vet's recovery in early 2015 that was done about a program similar to ours that is associated with JBLM called Riding My Way Back. If you get a chance to see it and want to learn more about PTSD it is worth the time.

Riding My Way Back

Be well, if you are close to Spokane let me know, happy to grab a beer.

Jerry

Chocaholic · 10-15-2014, 04:14 PM

Sincere condolences Eric. I have a 20 year old son who is in college studying to be an aerospace engineer. He's in Army ROTC and just loves it....to the point that he's talking about taking a commission. My wife and I are not encouraging him. Would rather see him switch to Air Force ROTC next year when he moves to Ga Tech. Flying drones from the comfort of an office building is much more palatable than potentially being "boots on the ground". I will ask him to read this thread. Your experience and description of the torment your cousin experienced may help influence another young man. Perhaps a small bit of "good" as a result of your cousin's story.

With deepest sympathy.

SilberUrS6 · 10-15-2014, 04:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Baz

Hello Eric - that is so sad but you did a lot for your cousin as did your dog. Your wife was just trying to help in her own way, I'm sure - although I guess ultimately it didn't help your cousin making him move out.

I applaud your efforts and respect that you were willing to share this story with us.

Our VA has a long way to go, IMO to be able to properly assist our military folks.

Baz, my wife was afraid for our children. I completely understand her concern, but it was misplaced. My cousin wasn't angry with us, nor would he have ever hurt my girls - he loved them. He found solace in them. But he was angry and violent. And he drank a LOT of booze. My wife was worried, and I have a responsibility to her more than I have to my cousin. This is the part of this that kills me so much. I know for a fact my cousin would have never hurt any one of us. But he was a grenade. A grenade doesn't have any desire to hurt anyone, but if you pull the pin...

If there hadn't been any wife or kids in the situation, I would have let him stay here for as long as it took. And if it meant that I would get hurt at some point, so be it. He's family. But my wife and kids didn't sign on for that. And let me tell you something, as much as I am broken by what happened to my cousin, my wife is shattered.

crustychief · crustychief's Garage

Eric I am VERY sorry to hear about your cousin, I think the figure is 67 of us each day take our own lives. It is shameful that there is not a better system in place for people that have severe problems stemming from combat. Once again I am sorry to hear about your cousin, thank you for giving him the support you did. Regards,
Sandy.

SilberUrS6 · 10-15-2014, 04:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chocaholic

Sincere condolences Eric. I have a 20 year old son who is in college studying to be an aerospace engineer. He's in Army ROTC and just loves it....to the point that he's talking about taking a commission. My wife and I are not encouraging him. Would rather see him switch to Air Force ROTC next year when he moves to Ga Tech. Flying drones from the comfort of an office building is much more palatable than potentially being "boots on the ground". I will ask him to read this thread. Your experience and description of the torment your cousin experienced may help influence another young man. Perhaps a small bit of "good" as a result of your cousin's story.

With deepest sympathy.

I would talk to your son in person, and be happy doing so. I will talk to him by phone, via e-mail, whatever.

Realize this: I have never been there. I have never had anyone shoot at me with the intent to kill me, and I have never shot at anyone with the intent to kill them. Since I haven't been there, I don't know anything about it. I have only listened to those who have been there. I understand in a way that only those who haven't been there understand - combat arms is not a place for human beings. You might go there, but "you" won't come back. Someone else will. And that person might not be that great a person.

I loved my cousin before he went, and I loved him when he came back. And I understand he was proud of his service. I am proud of his decision to serve. But I will tell everyone that before they become a combat infantryman, please look into some other specialty first.

HHI944 · 10-15-2014, 04:55 PM

Thank you for doing what you did.

M.D. Holloway · 10-15-2014, 05:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SilberUrS6

Les, it is my opinion that he gave everything he had for this nation. And that includes his life.

His nation did not serve him well when he came home, but I tried very hard to do so.

And failed miserably. No, I should not have been expected to do so, that is true. But I was family. And he trusted me.

My PP friends - I will ask you simply this: If you or a family member wishes to serve the USA by joining and armed service, point them toward something that does not involve actively killing people with small arms. I have seen what happens after.

Eric, the small gestures that you provided him are beyond comprehension. It is very possible that because of you, that he did not do harm to others but it is very sad that he could not rid the demons from his mind.

My father served during the battle of the bulge and was wounded. He saw many things that I could not bare to witness but he some how was able to deal with it. His younger years were a living hell and he attributes that to being able to live through hell. He also told me that there were men in his company that didn't do well. They came from great homes and families. He also sited some men who were born to fight and kill and that the mayhem had little affect on. I guess its all how we are wired...

My Daughter has been thinking of her future. While she is only 11 she does have high ambition. She wants to join the armed forces after undergrad, have them put her through med school and then serve as a surgeon to repair the wounded. Either reconstructive or ortho. High ambition and a noble cause.

M.D. Holloway · 10-15-2014, 05:43 PM

Some hole gave this 1 star...amazing the level of azzhole that this place can have some days. I bumped it up but it only brought it to a 3...

Someday I am going to go behind the scenes and find out who this person or people are...don't think it possible? Think again.

flyenby · 10-15-2014, 05:48 PM

I thank your brother for his service , as well as you for listening. I too wear the badge , being a infantryman I Nam. 69-70. I am sorry for your loss....