Christmas Family Drama

[msk1986911]

How do you tell someone the gift those chose and are very excited about, it not viewed the same by the recipient?

Backstory: My brother, with whom I am not that close, lost his wife about 1.5 years ago. Through a series of really bad life choices, their house was lost to a foreclosure just before his wife passed away (consistently taken advantage of by her family for handouts, when they could have lived comfortably otherwise). Since my sister-in-law died, my brother (no kids, fortunately) has been living in a trailer park and subsists on survivor benefits from his wife (he has been on disability for years…don't get me started about that), Fast forward to now: for Christmas he decided to buy each of my kids rather expensive gifts (about $140 per).

My brother was over for dinner yesterday and gave my kids (19 & 22) their gifts, which they both graciously accepted. Today I asked them if they will use their gifts and was told that they would not (no reservation; no hesitation).

My dilemma is, should I be frank and tell him the reality of the situation or let him think he did a really good thing? What I'd like to say, but am reluctant to, is that the gifts were excessive and that he should spend the money on fixing his place to make it more livable. My hesitation is I know he is really excited but I don't want to see the gifts go to waste and am also reluctant to quash someone who has self-esteem issues as well. I really wish I could have preempted this by imposing a spending limit.

Any thoughts?

Thanks

Mike

[Rick V]

Let your brother be happy in his decision, after all making someone happy is really the important thing here

[Noah930]

Agree with Rick.

You may be right, but now's not the time to bring it up.

[oldE]

What difference does it make if they use their gifts? Are they things which could be returned with refunds going to your brother?
If not, the deed is done and if you seriously want to help him, your kids might want to help him fix his place up.

Just a first impression, based upon a small bit of information.

It is hard to watch folks you love make bad decisions.
Best
Les

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by Rick V

Let your brother be happy in his decision, after all making someone happy is really the important thing here

Yup.

Since your kids were gracious (well done and congrats) I would also have the kids write a thank you card. Their Uncle did the best he could now they get to as well. OldE, as he is wont to do, beat me to my other suggestion. Have the kids help out as well.

This is a perfect lesson on grace and manners.

[Baz]

Just a suggestion...at some point before the next occasion of gift giving - maybe you could offer (drop hints, etc.) to your brother about appropriate/practical choices.

Over the years I have tried to develop my own philosophies on how to choose a proper gift - one size never fits all - but you almost can't go wrong with a cash gift - or something edible. Or flowers when dealing with the opposite sex.

For now - I agree - probably best to let it go and let your brother enjoy his generosity.

[cashflyer]

Just my observation.
Your brother has been dealt a lot of blows. He and his wife lost their home, and he probably felt like a failure in the eyes of his wife for that loss. And then he lost her also. These losses surely contribute to his self esteem issues.

Why do you want to kick him when he is down? This is probably the only way he could feel some joy in his life; to think that he was bringing some joy to others. And he may have been doing this as a means of reconnecting with the bother that he is not close to.

Just another thought; some people start giving away all their stuff before they check out. You are not close to him and he is overspending on your kids? You may want to at least keep an eye on him. Better yet, go put an arm around him and say "Thank you, brother. How can I help you?"

Christmas is a difficult time of year for those who have lost family.

[msk1986911]

Thanks as always for the input. Putting aside my inner practical side, I think letting it ride is the best course to take.

Thanks again.
Mike

[2porscheguy]

Listen to what Cash said! Now would be a great time to get a lot closer to your distant sibling. As has been previously suggested why don't you and your two kids pay him a visit and offer to help "fix" his place up? We are all DIYers here for the most part so it would be a great family project...getting the kids involved in helping their uncle would be the best way to repay him for his kindness at this time!

[msk1986911]

I agree and appreciate the input from all. Although the intent would not be to "kick him when he is down" how the message is received could be just that. I am convinced now more than ever that nothing good could come of me being frank….lesson learned for next year.

There are some truly great people on this forum; as always the help and insight are appreciated.

Mike

[Evans, Marv]

While helping him out and maybe getting more involved in his life might be a nice idea, I think lots of us here know how that kind of thing can sometimes not turn out so good. I would keep tabs on him and help out as much as you feel is constructive for him without him feeling like he can become dependent on you. I say this because of your comment about how he has made poor choices in the past. I think you can have the kids thank him for the gifts, and later on mention to him how they appreciated his generosity but also tell him they thought he maybe did too much and they would be just as happy with something much smaller in the future. Let him know it's the gesture of giving that counts to the kids, especially since they are already adults.

[pavulon]

All good advice, especially finding a way to reconnect with your brother. His low self-esteem may well be at the root of many or all of his issues. Feeling disconnected leads to isolation which feeds depression...on and on, lower and lower. I wonder why he feels so crummy about himself and when did it really start?

[vash]

Love the comment about thank you cards from the kids. Great move.

[cashflyer]

Originally Posted by msk1986911

Although the intent would not be to "kick him when he is down" how the message is received could be just that.

Right, Mike.
I knew that you would not have said anything to your brother to intentionally kick him when he is down, however that could be the way it would be received. If he is depressed and reaching out or trying to garner some inner happiness from giving, the rejection or criticism of the gift could be interpreted as a rejection or criticism of him personally.

I hate to sound all touchy-feely about this, but I do know that holiday depression can be a very difficult thing to deal with, and that it ends with tragic consequences for too many people.

[onewhippedpuppy]

The joy of giving a gift is in the giving. Let him enjoy it. Love the card idea as well, that would probably put a smile on his face.

[nynor]

what are the gifts? first time skydiving passes?

[DanielDudley]

If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is standing under it,
Do we still have to break out the heavy equipment and move it ?

Christmas Family Drama is what you make it.

[msk1986911]

My brother was never that motivated (I think due to an undiagnosed learning issue) and has always had a tough time fitting in. He has always had a pretty severe speech impediment (stutters when especially nervous) that could just not be resolved, which can make it tough for him to communicate.

The family that he married into can best be described as a family of takers for the most part. Since they readily accepted Will, he was, I think, easy picking for them. I don't doubt that he is suffering from some level of depression…wife dies; the "family" that you thought had supported you was ripping you off for years and left you high and dry after the gravy train ended. Making matters worse, he is pretty much a shut-in due to a physical disability (doesn't drive and walks with the aid of a walker) all at the age of 55. The living conditions after his wife passed away and he moved to his current home were deplorable. Since then, we have done what we can short of straight hand-outs. My wife found an organization in the County in which Will lives that does home repairs for those who cannot either do the work or afford the repairs. Will's place was chosen as a project last Spring. the work they did was astounding and very inspiring. Through that experience, Will connected with his next door neighbor which has been nothing short of great…taking Will to doctor's appointments and spending time with him when he can has helped us out as well since we were his primary mode of transportation prior to that point.

It has been tough to connect with my brother, although we are trying to get to some level of a relationship.

The gifts were a set f Bose headphones for each kid (6 in total when you add our sister's 4 to the mix). I am over this but, $900 for Christmas seems like a lot when you don't have much. I am letting that go and won’t be saying anything about this year's gift but will try to preempt any excess for next year.

Thanks again for the well thought out inputs from all.

Mike

[DanielDudley]

Your heart is in the right place, Mike.

[john70t]

Originally Posted by msk1986911

The gifts were a set f Bose headphones for each kid (6 in total when you add our sister's 4 to the mix). I am over this but, $900 for Christmas seems like a lot when you don't have much.

Cash said it best above.

One idea would be for the family kids to return the headphones without him knowing. Then use the money on a vacation with the brother, or help those helping him if his new homestead is already up to date.
Your brother sounds like a selfless giver. He helped those around him, believing that his own personal security will in turn be guarenteed in the future. But he invested in the wrong crowd. They made decisions for him, he fell back into a submissive role, and now he's stuck in that routine. This needs to change.
Now he's older, alone, and has less options. Time for a new life. Start over.
He's giving money to you so you can take over their role in making his decisions. A helping hand up is what he needs now in terms of his mentality. A goal and a sense of purpose. Things he can start doing himself, which makes him feel good and stay busy. Hobby, church, pet, card group, whatever. Even blind people can sculpt and often can do it better.

Spending some time together in a task or travel will let him know you won't be there 100% for him, but at least a solid 5% and that he is loved.
Sometimes that's all it takes.