Your guess is pretty spot on. The more direct and strong someone is with her, the better she respects them, to their face at least.

I explained this to my wife who feels like shes being rude when responding to her sometimes. Turns out, the more "rude" my wife thinks shes being, the more positive or clear resolve she gets from my mother.

HardDrive: That's quite interesting as I've had family members, my friends, and even her friends contact me or address in person that she is openly making defaming remarks about my wife, me, wife's family, etc...

daepp/tabs/ HnT: There are definitely addiction demons in the family. Her dad died from lung cancer as a smoker, brother died same (64), other brother dodged a bullet (at least for now) and she smokes a pack a day...used to be 2. This is on top of lots of drinking from everyone,

Every time I consider smoking a cigar or having a drink, I think about why I'm having it, do I need to be and how would my life be if I didn't. I'm always self critical in whether or not I'm having a drink to enjoy with friends/family or because I (addictively (is that even a word?)) need it...it's a mental wrestling match.

Get a copy of Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson

http://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319

It could be a real eye opener for you.:eek:SmileWavy

Here are 7 other signs of borderline personality disorder to look for:

1. Intense fear of abandonment or being alone, whether real or imagined.

2. The tendency to take risks without thinking about the consequences. Especially when the results hurt the self e.g. car crashes, risky sex or substance abuse.

3. Attempting to self-harm or thinking about suicide. People with borderline personality disorder are not usually trying to kill themselves when self-harming. Rather they are expressing feelings of anger towards the self or trying to feel ‘normal’.

4. Having an unstable sense of self. People with borderline personality disorder may often feel they are different people depending on who they are with. They often describe feeling lost and empty.

5. Paranoid thoughts and zoning out. Believing in things that are not true or sometimes zoning out so that it appears the person with borderline personality disorder is not really there.

6. Feeling intense anger — possibly over relatively trivial matters — and acting out physically in response.

7. People with borderline personality disorder are often on a kind of emotional roller-coaster. Intense anxiety could give way to intense depression, then to another strong emotion. These bouts can last a few hours or even a few days.

Update:

I've made a number of difficult decisions regarding how often, when and how my family will interact with my mother. Did this through the help of a number of sources, but gathered the strength in speaking to numerous family members all wondering/sensing the same thing about her.

I had a long and private discussion with my father, introduced him to the idea of NPD and simply asked that he educate himself on it. (I don't want to label my mother but if the shoe fits, and it does) We had a great talk which a few days later I realized was for nothing. He's so used to being my mother's puppet, he apparently went home and spilled his guts of everything I told him in confidence. I won't be making that mistake again, mistake being to trust him at his word... sad.

Turns out dad had no idea mom was "divorcing him" and they aren't going to get divorced. Instead she used this game piece to push him to the unemployment office...because she thinks he needs a new career. (He's been building homes and doing interior finish work for 32years and make great $) At 60, she thinks he needs to get a new job. Why, because she's unemployed.unemployable and was the health insurance provider... Now it's on dad and mom blames him.

I say mom is unemployable because she can't even hold a minimum wage teacher's aide job. Since the original post she's been put on paid administrative leave through the school system because she stopped a 16 year old girl in the hallway, hugged and kissed her. She told me the girl is a b**** for saying anything and because it doesn't state it in her job description, she didn't know that was bad. Plus, kids nowadays aren't love enough. (You can't make this stuff up) Passing blame...AGAIN.

Better yet, she has my dad so warped, that he is telling people the same story and victimizing my mother in doing so...guy doesn't know his arse from his elbow.

Wow, distance yourself from negative people and your life will be better. That really sucks that you can't trust your Dad either, but at least you know the score now and will be cautious in any future dealings with both of them.
I just don't understand being so negative all the time, my daughter's boyfriend has a mother the same way, and he has changed his phone # and refused to contact them for a few months now.
My wife and I have become like his substitute parents and we try to help he and my daughter all we can, I can't imagine wanting to sabotage their lives like you mother or his mother.

^It's truly unbelievable.

Latest is because I want distance, it's my fault that I'm keeping her from watching her grandson grow-up. She is going to make it hard to not completely cut her off.

This weekend was the last time I field police phone calls (my buddies who are cops calling me first) to their house for my brother, his underage friends, and the booze she supplies to them.

This is what movies are made of.

the next time I or my family would see any of these clowns..
Is when one goes nappy nap in the dirt...
your handing drunks drinks time & time again..
expecting them not to dance on your table like the last time..

so the only one that needs to change is you ..
because they are not going to ..
and why would they...
as the clan has spent years condoning / excusing same.

Rika

With the police becoming involved in their/her behavior, sounds like the usual thing of letting them/her hit bottom and facing the consequences to be the best course. She can manipulate her immediate sphere of influence, but once she gets out of that and the outside social structure doesn't acquiesce, the consequences could be productive. Let life take its course.

A) She, and your family situation are a train wreck.

B) This will not change, no matter how much you discuss it with therapists or strangers on the Internet. It may comfort you and give you insight to do so, (and therefore is worthwhile), but it will not change her or the damage she is doing one iota.

C) The only thing you can control is your own behavior and response to things. That's it.

A: Yes, most definitely
B: Don't expect it to, but does help my perspective. Love the word "iota"
C: Correct. Seems less is more.

I can empathize, except in my situation I had a bipolar/violent/con-man of a father and an enabling/selfish/emotionally abusive mother. It really was the match made in hell. When my mother cheated on my father and a divorce was imminent, they both tried to recruit me to their side and both asked me to hide money from the other. I took a step back from both of them for several years and only engaged them on my terms. When they tried to get manipulative with me, I simply physically left or hung up the phone. It didn't make them better people, but it did condition them not to behave so badly around me.

Interesting update: Was able to talk to my dad today about more nonsense with mom.

He is starting to really get wierded out by everything. Mom recently demanded he visit a psychologist as she is sure he's depressed. After a visit ending with a clean bill of health she saw red. I am doing what I can to help him see clearly that she is working to impose problems onto him so she can actualize self worth in "helping" him. It's like she has a mental version of Munchausen Syndrome.

Meanwhile, dad's 2 sisters, sister-in-law, and brother have approached him asking "what's wrong with your wife?".

It's vindicating to see that other family members are individually stepping up to express concern.

an adaptation of AA's 12 steps, but maybe fits the bill:

http://www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Misc/...f-Insanity.gif

Introduce her to your boss…...

This is great.

Wow, was this written for FP?

Psychotic Break.
 

My mother is in a full fledged psychotic break as of yesterday, soup to nuts.

Symptoms started about 3 days ago and were kicked into hyper-drive yesterday. She is convinced she's being followed, her phone is bugged, her psychologist's office is bugged, people have been stealing things from her, my dad is cheating on her/living a double life, (trying to prove this to him with random internet searches of people with his same name) she sent me emails that are incomprehensible and decided to go over her SIL's house (a 20 year reformed drinker) and drown all of her issues last night. SIL is the victim because she's been the only person to date to not put her foot down and tell her how it is.

Today's challenge: Dad doesn't seem at all phased by this and is taking the "it'll blow over" road. I think he's looking at it as a good way to be rid of her.

Psychologist is not willing to go to her and try to help...this woman should be out of practice.

Mrs Saucy thinks I need to step up and intervene with the SIL situation and get her the F out. But mom made it clear she's not going home, of course, because dad's cheating (for the record, that's false)

Suggestions?

Lastly, Sounds silly, but this thread and compiled opinions/expertise helped me take my stance with her and has since served me well. Likely why she didn't come to me in this situation.

Are there any options to have her checked into a psychiatric facility for evaluation? Obviously against her will. I would be concerned about the potential of her hurting herself or someone else.

I'd see about getting Dad to seek counseling. He'll be the one dealing with her after everyone else has "cut her loose".