Who hates the round Saltines?

[daepp]

And don't get me started on how you get less, and they're broken...

Dave Hill on Huffpo - to good not to share, but sorry for the "F" bombs etc:


"****ed again. Just when I thought the cracker industry was done making my life a living hell, I've just returned from the grocery store, where I was disturbed to find that the Nabisco people have gone and decided -- without warning, mind you -- to make their popular Original Premium saltine crackers in round form instead of the popular square shape that I and about 700 billion other people had been doing just fine with for pretty much as long as I can remember. I'm really not sure where to start with this one.

First off, how are these "saltines" still "original" and "premium" if this is apparently an entirely new cracker that has gone out of its way to tell me to go **** myself right there on the box? Riddle me that, Nabisco dicks.

Secondly, it says on the box that these new bull****ty round crackers have the "same great premium taste" as the old awesome square crackers even though they totally don't and now everything is ruined. Instead of enjoying a delicious salty square cracker that I could easily put in soup or something but choose not to, I am sitting here like some kind of ******* eating a round sucky cracker that tastes totally different and now my life is a ****ing mess. Why don't the Nabisco people all pile into a van, drive over to my house, and **** me in the face while they are at it?

Also, I tried to spread some cheese onto these new round sucky crackers the exact same way I would have with the old, much better square crackers I am used to and the knife slipped off the cracker and plunged deep into my leg, severing all sorts of important veins and ruining my pantsuit in the process. Now I am bleeding everywhere and soon to be dead. My carpet is getting stained too and good luck getting all that blood out unless you are some kind of goddamn miracle worker. I probably won't even get my deposit on this place back after everything that's happened. This whole thing is basically ****ed and I am tired of it.

Adding insult to injury in this cracker-based debacle is the fact that pretty much every other time I tried to buy the regular square saltines that everyone everywhere loves at the grocery store near my house, they were totally out (because- duh- everyone, even small children and pets, loves the original square saltine cracker and they are extremely hard to keep in stock no matter how hard you try, *******s). Needless to say, there was a seemingly endless supply of these new bull****ty round saltine crackers that nobody wants made by those cockteases at Nabisco. I could have bought like forty boxes of them if I wanted to. Instead, I bought just the one, thinking "Oh well, I guess the Nabisco people know what they're doing. They are cracker professionals. Why don't I give these new 'crackers' a try? The odds of me accidentally stabbing myself as a result of eating these crackers probably aren't very good at all."

The joke's on me, though, as I sit here bleeding profusely, growing dizzy, and struggling to get my money's worth (overpriced too) out of this basically ****ed box of crackers I seriously doubt I will live long enough to even come close to finishing. I'm surprised the box didn't come with a complimentary kick in the nuts or a free six-pack of Crystal Pepsi while they were at it. They might as well have written right there on the box something like "Dear Dave Hill -- Thank you for your loyal cracker patronage all these years. As a special thank you, we would like to tell you to suck our balls and eat an entire box of our new round bull****ty saltines while you are doing it." Yeah, right, Nabisco -- like that's even possible. ****ing dicks.

This consumer report has been brought to you by me, Dave Hill, a guy who has basically had it.

Whatever,

Dave Hill"

The Last Thing I Need*|*Dave Hill

[ckelly78z]

For all the "square" thinkers out there including Dave Hill, they still make them in the original shape......chill out.

[wdfifteen]

We are all victims of the cracker cartel. They are bent on monopolizing the cracker market and forcing us all to buy round saltines - an obvious oxymoron, as everyone knows saltines are square. It all started when they began weaning us onto those 1x2 squares. This took place when I was but a child, in the 1950s or '60s. It took decades, but eventually we bought 1x2s and the original 2x2s indiscriminately, unaware of the next step in their evil plan. After a few decades, maybe less, of round saltines we will someday go to the grocery store to find the only crackers on the shelf are elitist and exorbitantly expensive Ritz crackers. Saltines will be no more, and it will be too late.

[DanielDudley]

Others still make them square. Move on.

[pavulon]

Dave should consider de-caff.

[javadog]

Those of you that think all saltines are square probably never discoved Bremner wafers along the way, which are a much finer way to convey a nice chunk of blue cheese to its final destination. After I found those, years ago, my square saltine consumption plummeted to near zero.

JR

[911SauCy]

Dude.

They make round saltines?

[GH85Carrera]

I don't think I have bought even one box or package of crackers. On occasions at some restaurants they are brought out with a salad and I always wonder why. They are ok crumbled up in some soups that are way to thin or to help with crappy chilling.

[ckelly78z]

I have to say that I have never bought and ate saltines.....I do like Ritz round crackers with Peanut Butter. The only time I use saltines is if I go to wendy's and they throw a package or two in with my chili order, my grandma gave us a few boxes of leftover saltines from a big dinner/chili-cookoff that they had been part of, and after sitting for a few weeks untouched, I fed them to the chickens....they loved them.

[pavulon]

Also, Mr. Hill will only consume cake from a rectangular pan.

[widgeon13]

They're just trying to take "Ritz" marketshare.

[javadog]

Ritz. Blech. Tastes like a mealworm has previously chewed it for you, to make it softer in case you have no teeth.

Can't stand 'em...

JR

[Z-man]

I prefer trapezoid-shaped crackers myself... Hard to find these days.

[on2wheels52]

So I guess they don't make the big square ones anymore either (four of the regular size joined together)? They'd conserve waxed paper if they kept making them like that.
Jim

[daepp]

Originally Posted by on2wheels52

So I guess they don't make the big square ones anymore either (four of the regular size joined together)? They'd conserve waxed paper if they kept making them like that.
Jim

Wow - I forgot all about those.

For the record, I'm not that into the Saltines. This was one of those secondary stories at the bottom of the page. The first sentence sucked me in!

[JJ 911SC]

15 posts whithout a photo

Voilą...

[DanielDudley]

Originally Posted by javadog

Ritz. Blech. Tastes like a mealworm has previously chewed it for you, to make it softer in case you have no teeth.

Can't stand 'em...

JR

Really ? I find them dry but crisp, with a buttery finish. Peanut butter imparts a nut like air, with a lingering breathiness.

[WPOZZZ]

You just have to think outside the box. lol

[74-911]

Originally Posted by DanielDudley

Really ? I find them dry but crisp, with a buttery finish. Peanut butter imparts a nut like air, with a lingering breathiness.

Absolutely.... Ritz crackers slathered with natural peanut butter washed down with an ice cold Coke or glass of milk... good stuff.

[flatbutt]

Triscuit. 'nuff said.