You might touch base w/this guy. ;)
.

The flip side is this. Except I was the one in the first marriage. After it was all over my ex wife's female co worker said to me " I knew it would not work. You were not suited for each other". Duh. Like I needed that comment like a hole in the head!.
Guy

I'll take "Mommy Issues" for $400 Alex...

If he doesn't have self-worth, then he'll seek it from a woman, and since he is convinced he's a POS (*cough* mom *cough*), he knows the only way that he can be worthy is by giving them everything. Then he'll get passive-aggressive since he's getting stomped on despite being such a "giver."

You might be able to talk him out of this woman, but the exact same thing will happen with the next one. imho your best bet is saying what you said in these posts and suggest he find a good therapist. He needs to get his own **** straight...

at his side,..
eye to eye..
you keep talking about him being your friend and all that..
act like one...
or get an early start on laughing at him now..

Rika

Robert, you did not lose a friend, he did.

Fred, you have to try, or you would not have started this thread in the first place. At the end, you regret the things you did not do. You will regret it if you do nothing, even if it does not help.

"Then he'll get passive-aggressive since he's getting stomped on despite being such a "giver.""
~~~~~~~
An enormous amount of resentment from "givers" when their neurotic gestures are not reciprocated.
After all, altruistic givers usually give to get.
BTDT. 20 some years ago, I found myself in a give and take relationship.
I gave and she took.
Took me a few years to unravel that psychological whore's nightmare. :eek:

So we have an older, lonely guy who's tired of being alone who's marrying someone who might not be a good match? How many of you married the girl of your dreams, Camelot-style, complete with the white dress and cans rattling behind your "Just Married" car as you drove away in front of a hundred people? And five years later, you were left holding your nuts with half the bank account you had before. Part of the deal when you get married should things go south.

Yeah, stuff happens - you don't always see it coming. I've never gone through divorce but I've seen it a few times. Life is life - let him skin his knees and live his life. It works out it works out, it doesn't, it doesn't. As friends we mean well, but it's kind of silly to have a grown man tell another grown man who he should marry. The fiance finds out you meddled in their business you can forget about ever having a relationship with him when/if they get married. There isn't anything you can tell him that he doesn't already know.

IMHO, it doesn't sound like he was really that good of a buddy.

Best mates stick together no matter what.

id add #6: if she has ever taken away sex as a way to win.

Good point.
However, the fundamental purpose of an intervention is to let the person know that you care for them and as a result of that care you would like to see them alter their behavior...for their own well being.
.
I've always thought that there's somewhat of a selfish motive for the one(s) who intervene because it seemed to me that they were saying, "You know how you are? Well, stop being that way because it causes me discomfort."
I can go both ways on this...not an easy one, for sure.

Your buddy has low self esteem,and adding another person to "cure" that won't fix it.
That is an inside job
The girl he wants to marry is an egomaniac, with low self esteem.
Really bad combination of people.
Take Rika's advice and sit him down and look him square in the eye,tell him honestly how you feel. Tell him if he moves forward, you will support him as best as possible.
Then prepare for the worst.

I say talk to him. Now is the best time given the recent weird behavior on her part. "I know it can suck to be alone but it's better than being unhappy with an evil person". "You need to work on your self esteem". "It won't get better when you are living and married to someone who will chip away at it every chance she gets". My guess is you'd lose him as a friend anyway if he marries her. She sounds very controlling and that will include who he hangs out with and when. Show sympathy, tell him you care, show him this thread maybe. I know what it feels like to feel like **** about yourself. I was there at my divorce in 2007. It's gotten way, way better since that point.

Seriously guys...all we know is that she looks like she was once hot (which means she is probably still pretty hot for her age), drinks (which an awful lot of hot women do) and was annoyed that this guy wants to marry her but wants a prenup. I can't say as I blame her. Clearly he already has reservations about "till death do us part". Unless this guy is a trust fund baby or a "catch" for some other reason, it sounds like she brings as much to the table (hotness) as he does. As soon as she is not "hot"...will he dump her like a hot rock for someone a bit younger and hotter...leaving her where she started (minus hotness)?

Isn't that is what marriage is all about. Sharing everything and planning for forever? Planning the divorce before the marriage just sorta kills the romance.

do you carry car insurance?

"She just moved in with him 3 days ago. He gave her the entire upstairs, and he moved into the basement. I dont think they even sleep together. She is mean... she drinks , was probably hot 10 years ago, but looks are fading, and she is looking to latch on to something."

I never had to move to the basement when my wife and I (26 years in July) moved in together,
this sounds more like an "arrangement" to me.

"I want half Eddie."

My friend got divorced a few years back (I posted here about it)

He got a real good lawyer, they lived together for 15-20 years, bought a house together.

She walk away $25,000

Did I mention he had a real good lawyer?

So the "she gets half" isn't always true.

I was going to say no, as he wouldnt listen anyway. ...but based on the comments above, I would actually agree that you're probably going to lose him as a friend anyway because women like that typically don't like friends hanging around for fear that they will tell him she's bad for him. So what have you got to lose, clear your conscience and hope he listens.

"She's mean...she drinks"

I just broke up with a "recovering" alcoholic. Most selfish, unreliable woman I've ever known. He needs to RUN!

respectfully:
i would not intervene.
it is none of your business.

Shoot him He'll thank you later

Only liability/comprehension (nothing to protect me from my own mistakes)...and only because I have to. Whatever is mine...is also my wife's. That is what marriage is all about.

You can't stop a train wreck, but often you have to try.

This guy obviously has self esteem issues that she is clearly exploiting. It doesn't help that you often lose the ability to think rationally in these chaotic relationships. By all means talk to him tactfully, have him make a list of the positives and negatives qualities of the relationships and see which category weighs out. It's unlikely to sway his opinion but will minimize you of future guilt.

I think we all have a friend like this. I've got a co-worker turned close friend who has to ask permission just to leave the house, much less buy something, and it drives me nuts!! He would go an entire work day without eating because she wouldn't allow him to spend $5 on a meal. While on a road trip I had to buy him a tooth brush because he feared her reaction. If his life wasn't hell before, she's now pregnant.

Feminists love to demonize men, but female predators are alive and well, looking for men with no backbone to use and abuse, or make their life long slave.

If the man is not "wearing the pants" in this relationship that is because he showed up without them, not because she took them from him. I often see this and cannot imagine the relationship working. Often he is so weak and submissive it does. And he figures it is better than being alone. Similarly women stay in abusive relationships. Not all relationships come out of story books.

Fred I think it is necessary for you to tell your friend not to marry this woman. Okay it might jeopardize your friendship but it is in his best interest not to marry this woman. If the marriage falls apart then he will likely gravitate back to you. No matter what you say he will likely marry this woman anyway.

In terms of being lonely I think a person can feel more lonely being married to the wrong person than staying single. Let us know what you decide Fred. If you decide not to say anything to him I would completely understand.

Cheers, Guy

Maybe the best idea mentioned before is to show this thread to him (maybe send the link), if you don't think he might be offended thinking you threw it out to public scrutiny. Rather than him listening to you talk, and you worrying about his reaction and you trying to remember to say everything you have to say, he can read this and realize it's value and reread comments he thinks important. Much better reading harsh analysis from impartial people than getting it from you.

I may just direct him to this thread. That is a really good idea.
I would hate to be that guy that bashed his wife, if it does ultimately work out. He has always come to me for advice in the past, but we are very different people. I live my life a whole lot different than he does.
I just could not find a tactful way to bring this up to him, so I simply told him. " I always have an ear for you if you need to talk brother" and left it at that. I can tell that he is not happy, and somewhat desperate.
Hope it works out for him .....

Has he ever been in therapy? While it is good to have a friend, he needed the ear of a good therapist like yesterday.

Actually the ultimate win would be to talk him into going for solo sessions, and that they do couples therapy before the wedding (instead of a prenup). That will likely kill multiple birds with one stone.

I'm sorry, Fred, I disagree. Sit your friend and tell him the truth. If you are wrong 5 years from now, you will give both him and his wife a humble apology. You'll tell them you were dead wrong and that you are GLAD you are dead wrong because everyone deserves a good relationship.

But you know what? I'll bet you never have to eat that particular slice of humble pie... Keep after him about the prenup, for his own good.

angela

Dude I think your friend needs to see a counselor or therapist. It's like giving your 911 a tuneup. Sometimes people need a tuneup as well.

I have a close friend who is in the same situation.

I heard an expression once that has stuck with me:

"It is better to be alone than to be with people that make you feel that way."

If they are not infatuated with each other at this point I don't see it getting any better.

I am going to guess he has had some therapy in his life, but never been spoken between us. Not quite sure how I would even to begin to bring that up . I know he always seeks approval from everyone around him, and is always asking for opinions and advice from a small crew of us guys...
Gawd, could the poor old boy use a tune up . He is one of those guys, who looks like he has it all together from the outside, but inside what a mess .

tell him a story...
there once was this guy..
a friend of mine..
and he was going to..
everyone knew how it would end ..
he will get it..
then ask ..
what would he tell his friend..

Rika

I resemble that remark. :)

Easy answer... Be a good friend by telling him what you think.
If he listens to you and does something about it then that's the best you could hope for but most likely he won't and it may cost you your friendship.

Obviously I don't know how you'd feel but I'd be alright with that outcome. Life sucks sometimes.

+1. Your friend will remember what you say to him forever, so be gentle. There's a good chance he'll tell the woman what you said too, so be sure to put a good spin on her bad influence on the slight chance they do stay together. If he's that good I friend, I think you have to risk loosing him by telling him what he needs to hear.

Be gentle? There is no way to do that in this situation. She's already moved in. (going by the OP)

The guy needs to be smacked in the head until he listens.

1. you wouldn't have car insurance unless you were forced to? um, thats a terrible idea.

2. how about homeonwers insurance? you carry that right?

Has your friend ever expressed doubts about the marriage, even humorously? I had a friend in a similar situation and I used his "off-hand" remarks as an opportunity to talk about why he might have uncertainty. I never bashed the woman involved nor gave him a figurative "smack in the head" to wake him up. I just let him talk and asked pointed questions about his feelings. This happened, off and on, over many months and each time, he revealed more of his personal doubts. Eventually, he asked my opinion about the marriage and I told him I didn't think it was right for him. This final reveal took place within a few week of the marriage. Date had been set, venue rented, invitations had been mailed out, r.s.v.p.'s coming in.

He called off the marriage.

About a year later, he did marry her. Many of his doubts came true. They remain married, we remain friends, his wife and I get along fine. I still think it was a bad match for him, but that is not for me to judge. I felt satisfied that he went into it with opened eyes, made his decision, and is O.K. with it. That's all we can hope for.

Not so simple in some cases. Like my ex had hidden her considerable wealth from me. I sold my dang near paid for house she drained my accounts and when I stumbled onto some financial records that were left out one day, the **** hit the fan. It was a terrible experience.

A rich gold digger will rob you blind just the same as a poor one.

The lack of a pre-nup is a non-starter. The comment about a gold digger is spot on.