can we talk about overbearing (helicopter?) parents?

[vash]

i dont know what to think about myself. either i will be the most AWFUL parent, or the best and raise very independent capable kids. (moot point, since i wasnt blessed with kids)

my head is still reeling from my weekend with super protective parents. i needed "quiet time" so i put on a jacket for a walk around the snowy lake. the 4-year old girl wanted to go with me. "ookaaay". parents snapped into action, dressing the kid in base layers, mid layers, waterproof layer, windproof layers, head mitts, hand mitts, boots, gaiters..you get the point.

i said, "that kid is going to melt"

me, for reference: rubber boot, regular socks, synthetic pants, merino shirt, puffy jacket, gloves, ball cap. it was cold, but i know moving about warms a human.

the door opens, and that kid was shot out of a cannon.."SNOW!!!!!"..she ran off without her gloves. mom, pleaded.."run and catch her, get her gloves on".. i put the hellion's gloves into my pocket..and wait. first snowball, the kid comes running back..where are my gloves? saved me a run.

the kid had a good time. i showed her how her snow pants are slippery down snowy slopes for fun sliding. showed her how to trudge thru other's foot prints to make walking easier. the kid kept falling down on purpose to get me to pick her up..NOPE..she quit fake falling quickly when she got zero attention from me (her dad would come sprinting). she got tired and i relented and carried her thru some deep snow.

we get back to the cabin..and i had to rub my eyes to make sure i was seeing what i was seeing..

baby boy was sitting in a tiny toilet in the middle of the living room. some cartoon (PEPPA PIG) was on the TV. a parent was flanking him on each side. one was giving him poop pep talk..and the other was feeding him cut bits of potstickers. seriously?!!

my wife came running with her puffy jacket on and asked if i was good for another lap. yup..

oh, i met a teenage boy that got flustered opening a pack of sliced bread. the twisty thing buckled him. mom saved him, and made his sandwich. (brother's girl friend)

[flipper35]

I think you would make a good parent. I say that because we parent our kids to be self sufficient. Our 13 year old daughter made venison steaks with camp fries and a salad a couple weeks ago for everyone. Both of ours can be absent minded but out 6 year old can make a ham sandwich with mayo on it. Now if we could only get him to close the bread when he is done!

You can babysit for us anytime.

[Christien]

I know parents like that. It's interesting to see how their kids have grown, as opposed to mine. I'll be the first to admit that the instinct to protect them is very strong, but we realized early on that kids need to fall and hurt themselves sometimes to learn what gravity is, etc. I realized early on my job is to make sure they don't die and that they learn from their mistakes, rather than preventing those mistakes from happening.

[vash]

i let the 2 year old boy, fall into the sunken living room twice. that smart kid figured it out and slid down the rest of the weekend.

outside he approached a snow 3 step landing. the parents gasp!! i heard them. they said, "CLIFF! help him!!!"..i told the kid,, "remember the slide?"..he gave me a great smile and dropped to his butt and slid down the 3 steps..i was effen proud!!

mom said, "maybe we are too protective"..i didnt say anything, but she wont change.

Christien. he is my god son, so i expect to see him grow up. i hope they allow me to take him fishing and hunting when he gets older. maybe just shooting a .22. really long shot. guns are so dangerous!!

[look 171]

Introduce him to gun, get him shooting early, Cliff.

[herr_oberst]

Get 'em mountain bikes and start 'em on a steady diet of Red Bull videos.

[Oh Haha]

My wife and I are a team. She's a bit more protective than I am, though.

With me at home full-time I tend to let them figure out some thing son their own, like it IS too cold to go outside without shoes on.

Many times they have come to me after making their own decision to say that I was right about whatever it is I told them. I try not to be TOO smug.

[sugarwood]

Vash, enjoy this article..
The Overprotected Kid - The Atlantic

Here is a video that deals with the concept of "safe spaces"

[GH85Carrera]

I do understand the world is a much different place now than when I was a kid. As a non parent I am of course a total expert on parenting.

My nephews are in their late 20s but my wife has some young grand nephews. It does look like there is a contest to see how helpless the parents can make their kids.

The oldest grand nephew is 16 now. He is one of the kids that gives me hope for the future. He is smart, and does fully understand the value of hard work and education. My MIL really likes that kid. I hope he reaches his goals.

[wayner]

Why do so many parents not understand the theory of training wheels?

The living room stairs were a great positive example!

[look 171]

Originally Posted by sugarwood

Vash, enjoy this article..
The Overprotected Kid - The Atlantic

And the result once they reach college age

Fooking BS. I would suggest they go to school somewhere else if they feel that way about it but we all know that's a political disaster for the school. What are they going to do, btich about how it is unsafe to work in the city when they get a job. Big difference between school and job so they need to bridge that gap and be a little harsh with reality on those whiny little kids.

I hear it all the time, where kids (high school age) complain about the lack of info given on colleges in their school such as, how to fill out an application, apply for aide and such. No one wants to find out how to do something anymore. If its not on the net, or someone telling them how or what to do, they break down.

[look 171]

Originally Posted by wayner

Why do so many parents not understand the theory of training wheels?

The living room stairs were a great positive example!

We have a downstairs. Our kids were going down the stairs on their own by 2.5 years old. I installed a red child height hand rail on both side of the stairs for them through out the house and the deck. We had a friend visit and screamed for her mother when she saw one of our kids go down to his room for a toy.

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by Christien

I'll be the first to admit that the instinct to protect them is very strong, but we realized early on that kids need to fall and hurt themselves sometimes to learn what gravity is, etc. I realized early on my job is to make sure they don't die and that they learn from their mistakes, rather than preventing those mistakes from happening.

There it is.

My children have thanked me on multiple occasions for letting them resolve their conflicts on their own when they were young. I was always aware of the circumstances and would have intervened if necessary. It is a balance.

[DanielDudley]

That is YALE ???

Very sad. The real world is going to hit her like a ton of bricks.

[Deschodt]

It's one thing to have opinions on the subject before you have your own kids, and then to have kids and actually put those ideas in practice. Not as easy, but an interesting balancing act ;-)

I try to let them learn from their mistakes and not be a helicopter parent, and definitely not a sports-coach parent, and I hate the "everybody gets a trophy" deal... but when it comes to gravity and 2yrs old, you also want to limit the trips to the ER, the loose teeth (when applicable), the questions from the ER personnel "how did this happen? no sir, let the kid answer" ;-) Awkward !

It's a very litigious society now, doctors question every mishap, and there are seemingly more wackos and pedophiles out there in terms of not looking at the kids too closely...

There is a balance to be struck for sure ! That being said I cannot believe some of the stuff my parents let me do then (at a later age) that I would not let my kids do now without some sort of supervision (more a product of the times than anything)

[Yorkie]

Helicopter parenting is a horrible modern movement that I cannot stand but I have to confess to being part of the problem. My middle class neighborhood is full of kids but you rarely see them. All activities appear to be organized and scheduled with adult supervision. You rarely see kids in the park hanging around like we used to back in the day. I have three kids (9-17) and they just don't seem to have the sense of adventure that we did and I think his Mom and I are part to blame. You get sucked into mirroring the behavior of the "safest" parent. You think you could kick the kids out of the house and have them go and find something to do but the other parents won't let their kids out of their sight so there is nobody to cause mischief with. The media does not help with sensationalized stories about kidnapping and such but I think its such a shame that we are raising a generation of softies. These kids will have no memories of punch ups with kids from other neighborhoods or riding their bikes off into the woods for hours and hours. Its a shame.

[look 171]

Originally Posted by Yorkie

Helicopter parenting is a horrible modern movement that I cannot stand but I have to confess to being part of the problem. My middle class neighborhood is full of kids but you rarely see them. All activities appear to be organized and scheduled with adult supervision. You rarely see kids in the park hanging around like we used to back in the day. I have three kids (9-17) and they just don't seem to have the sense of adventure that we did and I think his Mom and I are part to blame. You get sucked into mirroring the behavior of the "safest" parent. You think you could kick the kids out of the house and have them go and find something to do but the other parents won't let their kids out of their sight so there is nobody to cause mischief with. The media does not help with sensationalized stories about kidnapping and such but I think its such a shame that we are raising a generation of softies. These kids will have no memories of punch ups with kids from other neighborhoods or riding their bikes off into the woods for hours and hours. Its a shame.

Kids also don't ahve any interest in going out to play in the woods or the park around here. I see many of the neighborhood empty and full of shady adults drinking beer or smoking on the grounds. Kids today are tricked to believe that everything has to be organized. I am afraid to think what's going to happen to their kids?

[wayner]

I think the training wheel analogy works so well in so many situations,

everything from gravity to dating. One of the best things I heard when our kids were small was a phycologist on the radio during an interview asking if you could imagine a kid who had never been allowed to date and learn relationship skills, having to learn those for the first time as a 30 year old in a 30 year old's world.

I applied this shocking image that popped into my head, to everything in my kids lives, with the belief that they should gain experience in everything as early as possible in an environment where the mistakes are small and lower risk. My new fear being that if I didn't prepare them they WOULD get hurt or killed and it would be my fault for not helping them learn how to make decisions.

P.S.
(I'm thinking of other experiences aside from relationships but before anyone goes all pedophile on me, let me state that I think kids should start learning relationship skills at play school with other children, not with 30 year olds, and they toys they share should be from Tonka)

BTW, as a result, my son was riding a bicycle WITHOUT training wheels AT AGE 3 and keeping up with the bigger kids. (I'll share my secret if anyone is interested).

[Tervuren]

You should see what goes on at race tracks where kids race and some of the "parenting" there.

[sammyg2]

We had an engineer fresh out of school apply for a job here, the interview went OK and he had a good shot.
But the day after the interview, his mom called and vouched for him and told us he would be a good employee.
The next day she told us the same thing.
She called 3 times in one calendar week that I'm aware of.

He didn't get a job offer.