Need help with senior driver/aka time to take away the keys

[wolf76]

Hello all. My wife's father moved in with us about 3 months ago. He is 90 years old and is an overall good guy. We recently found out he let his lisence expire over a year ago in South Carolina ( we live in NJ). His insurance is also now expired. We brought this up with him and he said his insurance company extended his policy for a month but he has no proof as they are mailing him a new card ( it was over 3 weeks ago that he talked to his agent). His car is covered in dents so we feel he really should not be driving anymore. He will not give us his keys and says he is fine so we are dealing with a tough situation as we cannot trust him. Should I try to disable the car? It is a 2004 Nissan Maxima but I cannot get the keys. Any ideas or input is greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Chris

[SCadaddle]

I went through this with my Dad when he was about the same age several years ago. My siblings and I had been warning him for months that he needed to give up the car.
Then one day when I met him for lunch I noticed the car had a broken passengers side mirror, and the passengers side of the windshield was shattered. I asked him about it at lunch, he dismissed it as something that must have happened to his car in a parking lot. I could tell he was a bit uneasy. So after lunch I told him to fess up, that I didn't believe him.
He then tells me he thought he had hit a pedestrian while he was going down the road. Thought he saw two people in the curb and one of them was snatching the other out of the way. Needless to say I freaked, then the siblings freaked. I asked him if he stopped. No. It is a busy road, so I surmised that had he done what he thought somebody would have tailed him and notified the police. We called his lawyer and told him the story. Lawyer called the police to see if anything was ever reported at the specific time, date and location. Nothing reported. But that was it. He didn't like it, but that was the end of his driving career.
He's held on to his old car that has been parked now for years and finally ready to get rid of it. My Mom has since passed and her car is still at his house; family members use it on occasion, he won't get rid of it simply due to sentimental reasons. At 96, he is limited to occasionally breaking the house rules and manages to knock the belts off of the riding mower.....the next step is to tell him the old mower is in need of replacement and do what other friends in the same situation have done---get a zero turn mower that he can't operate.

All that being said, in your case since your Dad has let his license expire, you might pay a visit to the local DMV beforehand to make sure he fails the eyesight exam (wink wink) and maybe that is a good way to handle it.



It's stuff like this that can really hit home:

http://www.wapt.com/news/central-mississippi/man-charged-in-fatal-hitandrun-dies/27074962

[johnco]

as my father's Alzheimer's reached the stage he shouldn't be on the road, we worried not so much that he might hurt himself, but that he might hurt others with his erratic driving, I disabled his car. been a quite a while ago but I think I just pulled the fuel pump relay. he'd go out every morning and try to start it for a few days until I pretended to work on it and then tell him his motor had burned up. since he had always stayed moving, working 12-16hrs a day on 3-4 hrs sleep until he got sick, I couldn't take his mobility completely away. so I talked my mother into getting him a little Honda 80 scooter.. that way he could still get around and more likely to only kill himself and not others if he zoned out and wrecked. he put on about 600-800 miles before he forgot how to start it, much less drive it. I saw him a few times pushing it down the road and I took it away after I drive up to see him sitting backwards on the bike with his helmet on trying to figure out how to start it.. then he started riding a bicycle. one day he rode 30-40 miles to go visit his old relatives. didn't see anyone outside so he rides back home.. only took him 8hrs. and thats before he had his double hernia repaired. couldn't stop him from going but I stopped him from driving.

[sprio]

Chris, good luck - taking away the car is akin to removing their independence. When it was time for my 95 year old grandmother to stop driving, we enlisted the help of her physician - she listened to him, not us.

[wolf76]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. We are trying another sit down tonight, hopefully it works.

Chris

[creaturecat]

the mobility scooter is a great idea. dependent upon your location.

[recycled sixtie]

To me we start off as children and end up as children. Being an "orphan" ie having no parents or mil or fil left we have gone through the whole nine yards. Definitely in the 90 year old range they need direction. Don't feel guilty doing whatever it takes to ground him. Disable the car or get his licence revoked as the above says. For peace of mind it will bring on a large sigh of relief. You do not want your fil hurting anybody and /or himself driving. It takes courage on your part but I believe it is worth it.
You are the boss now....
Cheers, Guy

[group911@aol.co]

This. Do everything you can to keep them mobile till they no longer have an interest. Maybe even a golf cart if your town allows it. Put yourself in their position.

Originally Posted by johnco

as my father's Alzheimer's reached the stage he shouldn't be on the road, we worried not so much that he might hurt himself, but that he might hurt others with his erratic driving, I disabled his car. been a quite a while ago but I think I just pulled the fuel pump relay. he'd go out every morning and try to start it for a few days until I pretended to work on it and then tell him his motor had burned up. since he had always stayed moving, working 12-16hrs a day on 3-4 hrs sleep until he got sick, I couldn't take his mobility completely away. so I talked my mother into getting him a little Honda 80 scooter.. that way he could still get around and more likely to only kill himself and not others if he zoned out and wrecked. he put on about 600-800 miles before he forgot how to start it, much less drive it. I saw him a few times pushing it down the road and I took it away after I drive up to see him sitting backwards on the bike with his helmet on trying to figure out how to start it.. then he started riding a bicycle. one day he rode 30-40 miles to go visit his old relatives. didn't see anyone outside so he rides back home.. only took him 8hrs. and thats before he had his double hernia repaired. couldn't stop him from going but I stopped him from driving.

[1990C4S]

He does not have a license, he should not be driving, as he also does not have insurance. Period.

How you choose to stop him is your choice. But he should not be driving.

Give him a taxi card and pick up the monthly tab.

Better he looses his independence than kills someone.

[flatbutt]

To this day I feel guilty about this...a little. I disabled my Dads car when he was asleep and I went home. He called to ask for help so I go back and tell him the car is "done", that it'll cost more than it is worth. So we junked it and got home delivery for groceries, we taxied him to the Dr and the VFW hall, and fortunately the town had a senior ride service for local stuff. But it took time for him to stop being pissed off.

[1990C4S]

I got off easy. My father stopped driving at about 85.

He said 'I will ride a bike, I will only kill myself on a bike, in a car I might kill someone else'.

He is almost 90 now, still biking.

[LeeH]

Recently tripped across this article. Lots of good points:

https://www.caring.com/articles/when-should-seniors-stop-driving

[porsche4life]

Originally Posted by 1990C4S

Give him a taxi card and pick up the monthly tab.

Better he looses his independence than kills someone.

This... Except I'd get him the uber app on his phone and load my credit card in. Super easy to use and he might like having his own driver!


We got lucky with my grandma. We were stating to think about taking her keys and her insurance bill came at the same time she needed a little work done on her pickup. Didn't take much convincing to get her to agree she was better off to just sell it.

[Hugh R]

My MIL, before she died lived with us. She had trouble driving sometimes and had two incidents where she sailed through red lights, once barely missing a young Mom pushing a stroller. We took the keys away. If he lives with you and has an accident, expect the lawyers to go after YOU.

[HardDrive]

Originally Posted by Hugh R

If he lives with you and has an accident, expect the lawyers to go after YOU.

Big time. If you knew the person was a hazard to the community and didn't take action...yikes.

[Por_sha911]

Originally Posted by sprio

we enlisted the help of her physician - she listened to him, not us.

I've said this before and will stick by it. Its time for you to put your big boy pants on and do what has to be done before someone gets hurt. Asking his doc to talk to him is a good idea but do whatever it takes. My fil wouldn't listen to us but he had total respect to doctors, police, and clergy. Start by disabling the car.

Push comes to shove: He has no licence? Threaten to call the police and have him arrested for driving without a licence. Harsh? Yeah but do whatever it takes. Remember, you are the parent and your standing firm could save dad's (or someone else's) life.

[vash]

good luck.

i dont know what i will do. my mom hates to drive anyways.. ironically, she is still pretty good behind the wheel.

[NY65912]

It was hard buut my sister and I told my father that it was time to let someone else drive and hang up the keys. I also told him that it was too expensive for him to maintain insurance and repairs based on the limited milage he did. That was 5 years ago, he's 92+ now. He said he understood and relinqushed the keys. Now he relies on family members to get him around. That allows for more time with him.

My wife and I had to do the same thing for my FIL. I don't think I will like it though!!

Not an easy thing, but it has to be done gently and understanding. Good Luck

[Rot 911]

Lots of good advice. As some other's have pointed out, taking away an old person's ability to drive is like a nail in the coffin to some. It needs to be done, but try to find as tactful a way to do it as possible.

[vash]

thinking about this; i'm sure i wouldnt try anything shady. i would worry deep down inside they know i pulled some shenanigans to disable the car. i wouldnt want to go down the final stretch with a love one with a lie. a well meaning lie.but you know.