Family heirlooms--pecking order of siblings

[Oh Haha]

My Mom is downsizing to a smaller apartment which is very limited on space. i have 5 siblings and we are starting to pack things for the move. Mom is suggesting that we take the family items that we want so they don't have to be moved. Great idea but now some issues have come up as to who gets what.

We are trying to make this as easy on our mother as we can but already some have taken issue with some decisions.

I believe that the immediate family should have first say in who gets what.

Do you think that sons and daughters should have first right to a family heirloom before grandkids?

[id10t]

If Mom has a preference for who gets an item, obviously that one should go to that kid/grandkid/gardener/whatever

When my grandma died, her 2 kids (my mom and uncle) and all of the grand kids (5 of us) drew straws to determine who went first, adn did a round robin pick. If someone picked something you really wanted, we either made a deal or it got down to drawing straws again. Seemed to work fairly well, but we've never had a lot of inter-family rivalry or competition.... I ended up with a few small ivory statues, a nice persian rug, and a set of medals from the '32 Olympics. A few other things I wanted (some art) my mom got, so I'll get that too .... eventually.

[GH85Carrera]

Just be careful that it does not rip the family apart.

I would think all the kids go before the grand kids.

[dennis in se pa]

Stuff goes to the kids first, then grandchildren unless mom says otherwise.

[vash]

mom should line up her favorite kid up first in line and go down from there.

there is a favorite..i know it

[Charles Freeborn]

Originally Posted by vash

mom should line up her favorite kid up first in line and go down from there.

there is a favorite..i know it

What could possibly go wrong with this strategy........



I say start by assigning a value to big ticket items - can be dollar value - point system, whatever. Then mom has first call (it's her stuff), then kids get to plead their case for items of particular interest, then round robin - take a turn choosing, with parents choosing on grandkids behalf. Throughout keep an eye on equitable value distribution, so if someone gets a high points item, other person gets a couple of things, or whatever system will ruffle the least feathers. That's how we did it in our family.

[wdfifteen]

Originally Posted by vash

mom should line up her favorite kid up first in line and go down from there.

^^
This.
This is a time for family honesty. Getting mom's true feelings out now will avoid resentment in the future.

[Oh Haha]

Originally Posted by vash

mom should line up her favorite kid up first in line and go down from there.

there is a favorite..i know it

I am the oldest living son so....


As always,the opinions here are appreciated.

[vash]

I was joking. Really. Mom loves us all equally. Really. Right?
I'll discuss this with my therapist.


Sent via Jedi mind trick.

[wdfifteen]

Originally Posted by Oh Haha

Do you think that sons and daughters should have first right to a family heirloom before grandkids?

In all seriousness I don't believe there is a "right" to family heirlooms. The decision as to who gets what is up to the owner - Mom.
Everyone else should stay out of it until she decides. If mom abdicates her responsibility she should at least act as referee. Fighting over schidt isn't making it easy on mom.

[asphaltgambler]

When my father passed, he was very specific about any item other than cash and the RE. All kids had to be present only - no one else allowed. Each person was dealt a card from a standard 52 playing card deck from my sister who was the executor.

Highest card got to pick first, per room, 1 item only with lessor cards in order. Then the process would start again with the next lower card being the first to pick just like round robin.

When that room was done, each item had a piece of colored tape that represented each of us so there would no 'confusion' at pick up time. Also no item was to be removed until the entire house was completed, room by room.

When each room was completed, each sibling could 'trade' items with others if all those were in agreement.

In spite of all this 1 older brother complained he was 'gipped' ...........................

[oldE]

When my mother was in her last few months, two of my sisters moved into the house to care for her. I would visit every few weeks and inevitably there would be "a box in the front hall with your name on it". One week she told me if I came up that weekend I should bring the truck.
Over the course of her last few months, my mother would keep a roll of masking tape beside her bed. She would write a name on a strip of tape and instruct one of my sisters to place it on a certain picture or piece of furniture. For example, the weekend with the truck, I took home the display cabinet I had given my parents for their 50th wedding anniversary, almost 20 years before.
By taking charge she placed things with sons, daughters and grandchildren. No one disputed her wishes.

Having said that, every family is different. A co-worker once told me he was so disgusted with his brothers' behavior after their father passed he wouldn't have been surprised if their father came back and haunted them for the way they behaved to the rest of the family.

Best
Les

[asphaltgambler]

Originally Posted by oldE

.............................................. A co-worker once told me he was so disgusted with his brothers' behavior after their father passed he wouldn't have been surprised if their father came back and haunted them for the way they behaved to the rest of the family.

Best
Les

I actually said the same about my 'former' brother who, in spite of all being treated exactly equal - he in fact said he should receive the lions share of EVERTHING..........................

[oldE]

You know what they say: You choose your friends, family you're stuck with.

I got lucky in that department.

Best
Les

[Nostril Cheese]

My sister wanted one of my dad's guitars. She doesnt play.

I play the thing every day.

[Seahawk]

That is pretty clever.

What I do know from my experience is that I learned more about my sisters on the passing of each of my parents than I really needed to.

Originally Posted by asphaltgambler

When my father passed, he was very specific about any item other than cash and the RE. All kids had to be present only - no one else allowed. Each person was dealt a card from a standard 52 playing card deck from my sister who was the executor.

Highest card got to pick first, per room, 1 item only with lessor cards in order. Then the process would start again with the next lower card being the first to pick just like round robin.

When that room was done, each item had a piece of colored tape that represented each of us so there would no 'confusion' at pick up time. Also no item was to be removed until the entire house was completed, room by room.

When each room was completed, each sibling could 'trade' items with others if all those were in agreement.

In spite of all this 1 older brother complained he was 'gipped' ...........................

[Crowbob]

My mom asked us (2) to put tags on what we wanted. I told her I only need one tag, then. She and my dad spent 20 years buying and selling antiques at flea markets and fairs all over the thumb of Michigan. Dad was even President of the Blue Water Antiques Association for a bit.

So I took the one tag she handed me and built up the excitement cuz she was dying to know which one thing was my favorite. Well I simply tied it to the doorknob on the entry door. 'I'll take everything on the inside of this door.' I said.

Any negotiation on who got what did not involve our mother. We each gladly and graciously accepted every gift she gave each of us. On those things she couldn't part with, she told us who she wants it to go to.

I consider myself a curator and I think sis thinks of herself in the same way.

[on2wheels52]

Maybe because we were just Iowa farm kids (5 of us siblings). No drama at all on dividing our parents 'stuff'. I've heard stories of squabbles while the parent was still warm.
Jim

[Dantilla]

I really appreciate my family.

Best "Christmas" ever was when my mom said it's time to sell the house, go get whatever you want.

My sisters and I spent a few precious hours "giving" things to one another. Most items seemed to gravitate towards one of us, and usually the other two made the same suggestion. No drama. No one thinking anything was unfair. No one disappointed. Not an ounce of being entitled to things acquired by our parents.
We all received gifts.

....still a special day for me.

[cabmandone]

Originally Posted by Oh Haha

Do you think that sons and daughters should have first right to a family heirloom before grandkids?

Yes, absolutely.

I felt like I should add that if Mom has a preference for who an item should go to then that should be honored. Remember to be very careful, this is family and no heirloom can replace them.