Rant! I hate it when people KNOW I'm right but don't support me!!!

[2porscheguy]

A bit of a long story here but bare with me....

My 19 year old nephew Travis is a good kid. His father, on the other hand, is a total deadbeat dad. He owes over 10 years worth of child support to my SIL for his two kids, has many people and "agencies" looking for him because he "owes" them all big time....you get the picture! The last time he saw his dad was over six years ago and the last time he talked to him was about 5 years ago. As far as we know he is in the Bahamas somewhere but we really aren't sure if he's still alive....who knows!

As a devoted uncle, I've taken Travis under my wing as I strongly believe that boys need to grow up with some form of positive male influence in their lives. As I mentioned, for the most part, he is a good kid and has vowed to never end up like his father BUT I am beginning to see some changes in his behaviour and attitude that make me cringe a little.....is he evolving into his father? His father was very well known for living far beyond his means and so got into some deep schit with certain people. Revenue Canada had been trying to get him out of the Bahamas to face prosecution but no one knows where he is!

Travis also likes the finer things in life...dress shoes, designer clothes, etc. He loves Aston-Martins!.....thinks he'll get one when he's "successful"! He is currently in his first year at Univ. He started off in Business but found that "too hard" so he switched to Economics. Now he's "dropping" some courses there again ''cause they're too hard" and now wants to go into Poli-Sci?!?

On Saturday we celebrated my son's 20th bday and invited family over to join us. Travis came with his GF along with grandma (who he and his mom live with) along with SIL and her BF. Anyway, later in the evening Travis declares "hey guys I'm getting a tattoo on my right arm....cool, hey?" I'm no fan of this whole tattoo fad and he knows that but I also know they ain't cheap either! I asked him how much is that going to cost? About $750.... I said "WHAT!!! You're a student! Where are going to get that kind of money?!?" Travis states ..."well I've got some $ saved up so I wanna treat myself....I DESERVE it." Me: "Ok, so you've got the next three years tuition saved up as well as the costs of books, etc...correct?" T: "No, I don't." Me: "And you've got a summer job all lined up too?" T: "Not yet." Me: "Travis if you ask me that is a very poor choice to be making with your money. You're not in a position to be spending your money frivolously. Wait until you've graduated and actually have a decent job before doing that! Do you understand what I'm saying here?"

So, this is what really pissed me off......

My wife, her sister, and BF all chimed up and said "It's his money! He can do with it what he wants! He's an adult now! You're just against the whole tattoo thing!" Me: "What!?! You all know I'm no big fan of tattoos BUT I'm also even less of a fan of someone living beyond their means, spending money frivolously just because he wants it...sorry if the truth hurts Travis! If that was me in your position, my dad would have immediately demanded that I start paying him for rent and food. Now Travis, I know that in the end it is your choice BUT I also know that the advice that I'm passing on to you is correct. Save your money for school!"

Fuch! ....No one supported me.....still kinda mad at the wife on this!

Rant over!

[1990C4S]

That ship has sailed. There are about ten red flags in your post. Poli-Sci? With what career goals? Switched majors twice? $750 on a tattoo?

Lower your expectations and move on. At age 20 they are what they are.

As Jim Lahey said 'the **** apple doesn't fall far from the **** tree'....

[Mark Henry]

You're right....and wrong at the same time.

You can give all the best advice in the world, in the end the person will do what ever they want, good or bad.

[Tobra]

You were right, and you need to have a word with your spouse in private. She saw how this boy's father is, she should be concerned about how far from the tree that apple fell.

Try not to let it get you too angry. You can't make someone else care, you can only show them that you do.

[Evans, Marv]

Well, I'm certain after he's frittered away his money, they'll all chip in to subsidize him. I mean he deserves it, right? And of course you're going to encourage your wife to help him out too because he deserves it. Is this how his dad ended up going off the deep end, being encouraged by a bunch of enablers? Let them enable and support him, but if I were you I'd do my best to ensure it didn't involve any of my resources. If your wife wants to enable, make sure she can't use your money to do it. You are right, but from now on I'd keep my mouth shut about the situation. Just say, "Oh, that's great."

[Baz]

Type something up on paper...."...as your uncle I feel getting a tattoo at this point in your life is an unnecessary expense and will have financial repercussions for you down the road..yada yada" Date it...sign it...have him sign it.

Tell him you will keep this on file in case he ever approaches you for financial assistance.

As far as the wife, SIL, and Bf.....tell them you have documented this as a financial mistake and will keep this on file...they are on their own to do what them want in supporting the kid.

Tough love.....

[jorian]

I'm with you Alex. Whatever luxury item he spends it on is irrelevant. I assume your wife is the beneficiary of your career planning - she should be on board with you. Maybe she doesn't want to clash with her sister. Youth is wasted on the young.

[look 171]

Just reading your post pisses me off to no end. Why do people think like that including some of the adults? Kids, even if they are in the 30, they still need guidance. some of the folks here are absolutely correct, by the time they are in the late 20 or early 30, they are set in their own ways and will not listen and continue to make wrong decisions. I think it has a lot to do with how one's brought up. People like you and I were 60 when we turned 20. I really think with enough nagging, somethings should sink in but it will be a long fight and a lot of work.

[KNS]

Originally Posted by Evans, Marv

Let them enable and support him, but if I were you I'd do my best to ensure it didn't involve any of my resources. If your wife wants to enable, make sure she can't use your money to do it. You are right, but from now on I'd keep my mouth shut about the situation. Just say, "Oh, that's great."

I've got to agree with this. You've stated your case with the best of intentions, time to let things run their course, painful to watch as it may be.

[2porscheguy]

Originally Posted by 1990C4S

That ship has sailed. There are about ten red flags in your post. Poli-Sci? With what career goals? Switched majors twice? $750 on a tattoo?

Lower your expectations and move on. At age 20 they are what they are.

As Jim Lahey said 'the **** apple doesn't fall far from the **** tree'....

Perhaps? But I'm not giving up on him as I know he does have good intentions most of the time. He doesn't drink at all and last week he spent a full day helping his mother's exBF, who had just had surgery, move into a new apartment. I'm still optimistic that he'll heed my advice!

[craigster59]

Similar situation, I have tried to help a kid in his early 20's with advice since his dad has never been around. He's in the Air Force and a single dad (mom wanted to party instead of taking care of the kid). Tried to help him with his career path which seemed to be going okay. He was taking college classes and was doing well, wanted to "reward" himself so he bought a new Ford Raptor.

He met a girl online who also had a kid. Bam, now she's preggers so he gets married, buys a new house in Nowheresville New Mexico and trades the Raptor in for a Ford Focus (upside down by about $15k). Gets his Associates degree and feels that the Focus is too small for a family of 5 he needs another "reward" so he trades the Focus in on a new Explorer.

He now owes $56k on a 7 year car loan and posts up on FB this weekend he's thinking about getting a BMW 1000Srr or some such bike. Dude, you've got a wife, mortgage, 3 kids, a huge car loan and you want to gamble on a bike?!

No more advice from me, he's going to do what he wants anyway.

[nzporsche944s2]

Originally Posted by 1990C4S

That ship has sailed. There are about ten red flags in your post. Poli-Sci? With what career goals? Switched majors twice? $750 on a tattoo?

Lower your expectations and move on. At age 20 they are what they are.

As Jim Lahey said 'the **** apple doesn't fall far from the **** tree'....

Political Science is not a dead end. I have a Masters with Honours in Political Science. Majored in International Trade and International Conflict Resolution. I've had (and have) a very successful career.

Oh and I spent $1500 on a tattoo but I guess I can afford it...

[DanielDudley]

Men are sometimes tough on sons, so that they can handle anything life throws at them.

Women baby little boys, and ''nurture''. You don't want to be too tough, and they shouldn't be too enabling. But they are. And you can't stop a woman from being a woman.

A man says what he has to say, and says it calmly but in all seriousness. Once. No whining allowed, or you sound like a little boy. I'm with Baz. Write up the document he outlined, and present it to the boy- in private. Ditch the women, and from now on when you have a little man to man with the boy, do it in private.

IMO, it is his life to ruin, or to make something of. Taking the easy way out is the problem, not the tattoo of itself. That is the lecture I would give him, and then I would back off. They always run to mommy if they can get away with it. He can, and your acting out with the girls just dilutes your brand. Don't do it.

[DanielDudley]

Originally Posted by nzporsche944s2

Political Science is not a dead end. I have a Masters with Honours in Politcal Science. Majored in International Trade and International Conflict Resolution. I've had (and have) a very successful career.

Oh and I spent $1500 on a tattoo but I guess I can afford it...

I'd like to hear more about that.

[Otter74]

Political Science is far from a dead-end field of study if you're smart and go to a good school. A very good friend of mine, who is ferociously smart, got her masters in poli sci from Chicago and is just about done with her PhD in International Relations from Northwestern, this after a career as a journalist. She's had all sorts of opportunities, though she has chosen to continue to do work that keeps at least one foot in journalism and writing, as that is something she really loves. Opportunities lean heavily towards think tanks and the academy, so if that's not your thing your options are more limited. But I would not call them terribly limited - see the above poster's career.

Originally Posted by DanielDudley

I'd like to hear more about that.

[rusnak]

Alex, I'd say that you are right and the kid's parents are idiots. But he might turn out more like his dad and mom than you'd want. All you can do is your best. He will make his own mistakes and might have to learn that way. They don't call it the hard way for no reason. Also, having good intentions is no defense for being an idiot. In my world, you have to live up to your mistakes, all intention aside.

[look 171]

Originally Posted by 2porscheguy

Perhaps? But I'm not giving up on him as I know he does have good intentions most of the time. He doesn't drink at all and last week he spent a full day helping his mother's exBF, who had just had surgery, move into a new apartment. I'm still optimistic that he'll heed my advice!

I agree with you. He need guidance and you shouldn't give up. People give up too easily. Fight on, its worth it. I do it with my sister. My wife kept telling to back off and let them be and no more advice. She's wrong about that, its my sister, saying something they can't see before a big financial decision is never a waste of time IMO.

[HardDrive]

At 19, I was a drunken hooligan. Life is long, people change.

[Norm K]

Provide advice and counsel, then stand aside and allow the young man to make his own decisions.

[gsxrken]

Originally Posted by HardDrive

At 19, I was a drunken hooligan. Life is long, people change.

Yeah but how long ago was that? The world is different today. No one with any holes in their resume ever gets back on the lead lap, at least in the corporate world.
There's just too many other applicants without any drama.